toself Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I wrote this topic about our relationship earlier. It explains pretty much everything that has happened between us in detail, but you don't necessarily have to read that to understand this situation. Like the title of the previous thread suggests, things have been very complicated. I'm quite confused now. I'm not confused by my own thoughts though, only by her reactions to everything. A week ago or so, we decided to go to the hairdresser together. She went there and got an appointment. Just recently, we broke up though. The thing is.. we were very close for several months before the actual relationship. The relationship ended after a month or so, but I can see why she did it, as things were getting really difficult to handle for both of us. She did it for OUR good, not for herself. We broke up though, but she says she still wants to see me. So we have to let our parent's think that we're still together, so we're allowed to visit each other - we're parted by a 20-minute drive or so. So she still wants to go to the hairdresser, and she asked if I wanted to go to the movies with her this sunday (it's wednesday here now). I said yes, but I don't really know what it will turn out like. When she broke up, she asked me "Do you remember how nothing changed when we got together?". I did remember, of course. So I say "Yes". Then she says "I want it to be the same way now, as we break up". She also said that, wherever I go now, wherever she goes - she'll find me sometime. When things can and will work out. She also said that, even though I'm not her boyfriend anymore, she definitely loves me. With those words she left me. I was extremely sad, but I also felt relief. And an incredibly strong feeling of love towards her, after hearing her say those words. It sure meant alot to me that she had just said that, and I was happy to hear that she wants things to stay the same even though we're not officially boy- and girlfriend anymore. We've been talking a lot on the phone after the break-up. This is where I'm so damn confused. Sometimes she barely says a word. I tell her that "Hey, if you don't wanna talk, we'll hang up - that's fine". She doesn't reply to that. Then after some more talking (mostly from me), I decide to hang up. So I try to make it quite polite and formal, like "Bye then, take care". Then she hangs up without saying a word. She has done it this way two or three times. I can't really see what I did to make her be like that, so I guess it must have something to do with her and her state of mind, maybe. I've tried asking her, but she says nothing's wrong. Then we have the rather normal conversations. We talk about most everything, and we're still very open towards each-other. She has nothing to hide, and neither do I. When we talk like that, it feels alot like we're back together. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. We'll hang up like usual, after a very friendly talk and a casual "Goodbye". Our phone conversations seems to vary between those two types. I feel really good after the second one, but the first type kind of confuses me - and it often leaves me depressed and in deep thinking afterwards. I just want to know what she's thinking, and whether or not I should keep seeing her. I do miss her a lot, but I don't know how to show her. I told her on the phone that I missed her (the last time we had the #2 conversation), but she only replied with "Mmh". Then the conversation kind of ended. She was very tired. So was I. So we both got really quiet, and she fell asleep after a while. (I know it sounds silly, but she did this several times during our relationship. Guess we just enjoy talking to each-other). :-P I've talked a little to her after this, and have only had those #2 conversations. I am glad with that, but again.. what is she thinking? And what should I be thinking? Is this worth another try? When I first met her, I never though I had any chance of getting her. I decided that I'd try until I could do it though. And I did. Remembering that kind of forces me to not give up this time either. I don't know if that's natural or just silly. Help me, please.
Weezy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I don't mean to sound harsh.. But your getting played like a fiddle. She's having her cake and eating it to. I can't even imagine being in a relationship like your in right now. You gotta go NC if you want to gain any respect at all. I'm guessing you won't be strong enough based on your post, but if you are strong enough to go NC, make her chase you, and all that Jazz, I'm pretty confident you'll get her back.
justletgo07 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Agree with Weezy. RUN
samspade Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Do you two go to the pharmacy and buy tampons together, too? Geez, dude. Drop this woman like a rock. Unless you really like being her girlfriend/ego booster, which is all you are to her, right now. I suppose if you two are still having sex (I'm not clear on that), then you're also her dick supply until she finds a new man. It's really not complicated at all - everyone comes here thinking their situation is "complicated." Stop telling her you miss her. Stop talking to her on the phone when she wants to talk and asking her permission to hang up. Stop telling her you love her. And for the love of God, stop going to the hairdresser with her. She did it for OUR good, not for herself. Wow, that was really generous of her. Kind of like destroying the Vietnam village in order to save it, huh? You need to worry about more than getting her back. You need to start improving yourself from within and not letting yourself get played like a Stradivarius. This girl currently has next to no respect for you as a man.
bubblegum Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 We broke up though, but she says she still wants to see me. So we have to let our parent's think that we're still together, so we're allowed to visit each other When she broke up, she asked me "Do you remember how nothing changed when we got together?". I did remember, of course. So I say "Yes". Then she says "I want it to be the same way now, as we break up". We've been talking a lot on the phone after the break-up. This is where I'm so damn confused. Sometimes she barely says a word. I tell her that "Hey, if you don't wanna talk, we'll hang up - that's fine". She doesn't reply to that. Then after some more talking (mostly from me), I decide to hang up. So I try to make it quite polite and formal, like "Bye then, take care". Then she hangs up without saying a word. She has done it this way two or three times. I can't really see what I did to make her be like that, so I guess it must have something to do with her and her state of mind, maybe. I've tried asking her, but she says nothing's wrong. That's because she doesn't want to say goodbye, as in, goodbye forever. Now she's not doing that because she isn't worried about losing you from her hook, her backburner, however you want to say it. Start removing herself from her life and see how she responds. As for the rest I've quoted above, of what you've said, she really does want her cake and too sit there slowly eating it too. Not cool. You are being used.
Author toself Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I think I can handle going NC. I have a few questions though. First, she'll probably wonder why I'm not making contact. If she asks me about that, what do I tell her? Second - Should I just tell her now that I'm not coming for the hairdresser's appointment when I already told her I'm coming? I think I should go there. If I do, how should I act around her?
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I think I can handle going NC. I have a few questions though. First, she'll probably wonder why I'm not making contact. If she asks me about that, what do I tell her? Second - Should I just tell her now that I'm not coming for the hairdresser's appointment when I already told her I'm coming? I think I should go there. If I do, how should I act around her? Seriously? why in the heck would you go? As others have stated- you're making yourself WAY to available to this girl. I'm cringing as I am reading your posts. Of course she'll wonder why you are not making contact- that is what it's all about. You want her to wonder! She's broken up with you but wants to drag you to a hair appointment? Honestly- you need to grow a pair and bolt from this girl. She's playing you and you're allowing it.
Author toself Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I'm just saying that if she calls me sometime, and asks why I haven't called or contacted her, what do I reply with? I can't say like "Hey, I've decided not to contact you so you'll wonder why I didn't". Neither should I make up excuses about not being able to, 'cause it wouldn't change a thing if she believed me. That was basically what I was asking for there. As for everything else, I really need to think through this.
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I'm just saying that if she calls me sometime, and asks why I haven't called or contacted her, what do I reply with? I can't say like "Hey, I've decided not to contact you so you'll wonder why I didn't". Neither should I make up excuses about not being able to, 'cause it wouldn't change a thing if she believed me. That was basically what I was asking for there. As for everything else, I really need to think through this. I think at this stage- you don't owe her any explanation at all. She broke up with you, but is so obviously stringing you along. If you feel the need to explain yourself, just tell her that you want time away from her to think things through. In all honesty- you do need that time. It's really unfair to break up with someone and then expect them to be your buddy. You love this girl and she is throwing you scraps. I'd start by telling her something came up and you can't go to the hairdresser with her. When she questions this- then I'd tell her "it was your decision to break up and I respect that, but I can't be your friend, it's not fair to me". If she gets mad or upset at you for breaking the date and not wanting to be her friend- don't fall for the guilt trip. Stand strong and do not give in. If things are going to work out, the most important thing you can do is take a stand and distance yourself. The only way she can understand what it is like to miss you is if you aren't there anymore.
samspade Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I'd start by telling her something came up and you can't go to the hairdresser with her. When she questions this- then I'd tell her "it was your decision to break up and I respect that, but I can't be your friend, it's not fair to me". If she gets mad or upset at you for breaking the date and not wanting to be her friend- don't fall for the guilt trip. Stand strong and do not give in. If things are going to work out, the most important thing you can do is take a stand and distance yourself. The only way she can understand what it is like to miss you is if you aren't there anymore. Great advice. It's not your problem if she is wondering or confused. And if she calls, just ignore her.
WiseOne1 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 This is certainly the worst case of "back burner" i've seen you probably are not so sure about nc but give it it atlest 4 more weeks and you'll see what we were talking about. So do you think she means well by this friend/bf approach?
Author toself Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 To be honest I have no idea about what she's doing or why she's doing it. I would like to know, but I guess going NC is good, 'cause it doesn't leave me so curious about what she's doing. Not that curiousity always is a bad thing, but it keeps me up at night. So I guess I should try and focus on other things (than her) meanwhile?
samspade Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Yes. Quit focusing on her. Also, don't try to decipher what she means when she says this or that. Her behavior IS her message to you. Examine that. It's pretty simple.
BigRedBoss657 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Yeah, all this advice is really sound. Believe me, I tried decoding and deciphering all of her little things on facebook and behavior. It's just stupid. Most of the time, you usually overthink things and make yourself feel a lot worse about really nothing. Unfortunatley, for me, I did piece together something quite intersting. But, you know what? It doesn't matter to me anymore. After 4 months, I have certainly moved on with someone else. It's hard not to think about my ex at times, but try to control how you think about her.
Author toself Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks for all the good answers. I'm feeling better, and it's definitely because of you people. She is still texting me asking me to call her. I can't help but call her occasionally, but only when I feel like it - not because she asks me to. You get anything out of that?
samspade Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I can't help but call her occasionally, Yes, you can, and you know it. but only when I feel like it - not because she asks me to. You can justify it all you want. And obviously this proves that you CAN help yourself, since you are doing it "only when you feel like it." So stop feeling like it. Quit letting your emotions control you. You get anything out of that? I'm getting that she still has you hooked.
sedgwick Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you "exactly" what she's thinking. It would be great if we all had the power to read each other's exes' minds, wouldn't it?
Chinook Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'm just saying that if she calls me sometime, and asks why I haven't called or contacted her, what do I reply with? I can't say like "Hey, I've decided not to contact you so you'll wonder why I didn't". Neither should I make up excuses about not being able to, 'cause it wouldn't change a thing if she believed me. That was basically what I was asking for there. As for everything else, I really need to think through this.You dont have to give her an excuse and you don't have to explain. But...if she does call or text you again, your reply is simple "YOU broke up with ME, why should I call YOU...? Why should you feel entitled to know what's going on with me...?!" Then leave it at that. As the others have said, you're leaving yourself open to more hurt. She isn't interested in YOU or YOUR needs. All she is interested in is not feeling lonely and right now, until another guy comes along, you fill that place best and you're doing it in such a way she doesn't have to make any effort or commitment to a relationship to you. That is wrong. Stop it now. No contact means NO CONTACT. No emails No IM No Facebook/Myspace etc No snail mail No smoke signals No carrier pigeons Nada Zilch Zip Nothing Period.
BCCA Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Let me tell you EXACTLY what is going to happen. Your situation is CRYSTAL CLEAR to those of us who have been through and seen it on here time and time again. Right now, youre getting used. She has no interest in being with you. She wants to go back to being friends because she'll feel less guilty, and she'll have company until she finds someone else. Once she finds someone else, and she will, youre going to be out in the cold. She probably wont even answer your calls at all at that point. YOU are getting nothing from this friendship. Zip zilch nada. She is the only one getting any sort of benefits her, and any and all contacts and visits are 100% on her terms and at her discretion. The hairdresser, really? She dumps you and expects you to go to the hairdresser with her? Most guys IN relationships would pass on that. Like sam said, thats like her asking you to pick up some tampons and take her to the Sex in the City movie. 100% for her, 0.00% for you. Sadly, she doesnt care that shes being selfish and is going to keep hurting you. Shes being extremely selfish, and youre playing into it. But it can get better for you...just completely dissapear. What do you do when she calls? Dont answer, dont call back. Ditto for texts, emails, letters, notes, etc. Ignore her. Shes ignoring your wants and needs right now, why are you the only one obligated to be giving some effort here? Do you like how you feel right now? No, so do something about it.
D-Lish Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks for all the good answers. I'm feeling better, and it's definitely because of you people. She is still texting me asking me to call her. I can't help but call her occasionally, but only when I feel like it - not because she asks me to. You get anything out of that? Have you called her back? See how when you don't call or pay attention what happens? I hope you haven't called back. This may be a good time to text her and tell her you can't make the hairdresser appointment. Just say something came up and you won't be making it- leave it at that.
Recommended Posts