curiousnycgirl Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 To call his best friend's wife. She and I are/were (?) friends. She always told me she had not allegiances to him, blah, blah, blah. I am just dying to know what he is saying to people and what is going through his head! The not knowing is killing me! UGH if only he had been a man and told me, then I would just be in mourning, not wondering too. So far I've stayed strong, but it is so damn hard
Trimmer Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 To call his best friend's wife. She and I are/were (?) friends. She always told me she had not allegiances to him, blah, blah, blah. I am just dying to know what he is saying to people and what is going through his head! The not knowing is killing me! UGH if only he had been a man and told me, then I would just be in mourning, not wondering too. So far I've stayed strong, but it is so damn hard OK, it's good that you're staying strong, but your next job is to let go of caring what is going on in his head. And what he is saying to people is a part of that. I know it won't happen all at once, but just like we advised you to go NC with him to not get dragged back into the relationship dynamics, trust us that trying to do an end-run on NC by investigating "how he feels," "what he is saying," or "what is going on in his head" will still be damaging to your recovery, will still drag you back into the bad feelings swirling around the relationship, and will be counterproductive. Really, think about it: anything you discover will have some painful edge to it. If you find that he's pining for you, you will be mystified as to why he won't call If you find that he's trash-talking you, you will be pissed off at that. If you find that he seems to show no sign of caring, you'll be hurt as to how he could discard you. NOTHING you learn about him will help you in your process of healing and letting go, assuming those are really your goals. And ANYTHING you learn will probably only hurt you somehow and drag you backwards. This is your next step - continue showing that strength and don't do this investigation. Tell yourself that you need to let go of this, too. It won't happen all at once, but trust your strength to carry it out and it will come along, and you will continue progressing. Turn forward and look to your future; don't get dragged back.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks Trimmer - in the end the point was moot as she called me in an attempt to make plans for the weekend. Apparently he hadn't told anyone anything. Last night he called me, there's a thread on it. Basically I'm not holding my breath that he will step up, but after 4.5 years I'm willing to hear him out. I AM however standing my ground - either my need gets met, or we move on.
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