we had a tearful "moment" last night

[sinkerswim]

I know you are all going to yell at me for this...

but I felt I REALLY needed to do this...for myself and for him. I truly wanted to do this for him.

Well, his birthday is next month (the 25th) and I have ALWAYS got a cake or baked a cake for him..even in our long distance relationship. We managed to see each other around that time. He told me that is something he always thought was so sweet..because no girl had ever done that for him before. He thanked me.

 

So..since I am moving on the 30th to go back home to PA..I felt I had to get him one last cake.

I got a tiny little one...and after dinner I told him I Had something for him.

I put a candle in it..and came over singing happy birthday to him on the couch..

 

HE CRIED INSTANTLY. I CRIED. He said he was very touched and thanked me.

It was hard to do..knowing it would be the last time.

He made a wish..and blew out the candle..and kissed me...

I then told him..(while crying so hard)..

"I want to always remain friends with you...and I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in your life..."

He said OK to the friends part

and then wished me the same in my life.

I always said "I hope and pray you find your way back to me again one day

Keep the doors open for me"

 

We both cried. It was a moment and the first time I saw him break down since he broke up with me and wanted me to move out.

I hope he will ALWAYS remember that moment..like I will.

 

I have been waking up so horribly depressed in the morning you guys. I shake..and I cant stop thinking of never seeing him again.

My life is going to so hard without him. How do you get used to not seeing or talking to someone after 4 years???

I HURT.

[nature]

OK, now his ego is the size of this planet.....STOPPPPPPPPPP please!!! You are trying to "nice" him into wanting to be with you. It doesn't work that way. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

I'm sorry, but what you are doing is sooooooooo not the right thing to be doing. you are setting yourself up for more pain. That's why the depression is getting worse.

[Geishawhelk]

I think I'm going to vomit.

Sinker, what the heck are you doing?

You are going to be back on here after the 30th, I guarantee it, posting a new thread each and every day about something slightly different.....

 

I think you need to go to the city dump and spend a few days looking through all the mountains of trash, amongst the diggers and whirling seagulls, and somehow try to locate your Dignity and Self-Respect, because you threw them out long ago as worthless, useless and redundant....

 

Jeesh. I'm speechless.

Words truly fail me.

[sinkerswim]

I think I'm going to vomit.

Sinker, what the heck are you doing?

You are going to be back on here after the 30th, I guarantee it, posting a new thread each and every day about something slightly different.....

 

I think you need to go to the city dump and spend a few days looking through all the mountains of trash, amongst the diggers and whirling seagulls, and somehow try to locate your Dignity and Self-Respect, because you threw them out long ago as worthless, useless and redundant....

 

Jeesh. I'm speechless.

Words truly fail me.

I know..I just felt I had to do that. I know he was truly moved..he wouldnt have cried. I know him.

 

I guess you guys are right...WRONG THING TO DO...it is only going to bother ME.

Im not a bad person you guys..

Just someone who is so scared of losing the guy who once loved me and thought the world of me and wanted to marry me.

I WANT HIM BACK....I WANT THE SAME GUY WHO WALKED INTO MY LIFE 4 YEARS AGO.

I guess I am clinging to anything here.

Ok..keep yelling at me.

I need to hear this..because then I know not to do it anymore.

[neverlost]

I guess the only real answer is time.

 

There's going to be tears, pain, anger, regret and questions. But one day you'll get past them.

 

But by doing those things, yeah, I think you will be making the pain worse. Maybe when you both cried YOU though you had "connected" again and a flicker of hope for you began to grow. And saying he hopes he finds his way back to you, is kind of saying "go do as you please because I'll only be waiting here for you IF you decide you ever want to come back"

 

Even though people will shout at you, I'm sure they understand... let's be honest... it is so hard to treat someone who you really loved as a stranger but by nice and chasing them, you just drag your pain out longer. So it is really in your best interests, and you are what counts right now.

 

Your life is going to be so hard without him for a while. Please remember that, just for a while. Not forever.

 

I wake up in the morning depressed, I manage to shake it off a little by later in the day, but then as night falls it all comes back once again.

 

I hope someday soon you can smile again

 

-neverlost

[nature]

Ok, i just posted this on your other post, "His Way of Dealing with Things"...but I'm copying it to this post. It's confusing when you have two posts going, so maybe stick to this one?

Here it is:

 

You feel so desperate because you are acting and behaving so desperate. And desperation is the biggest turn off to men. And to women, for that matter.

 

Of course you see things different than the way other people do. Because you have concocted this "fantasy" in your brain that tells you, if you stick around and be nicey-nice to him, he will change his mind. Not going to happen.

 

Keep doing this, and the next thing you will hear is he is dating a vixen who made him work for her. A woman who's a challenge. A woman with self-worth. Nobody wants someone with no self-worth.

 

Ever heard of the book "Men Love Bitches"? Go buy it. It explains very clearly that men do not like needy, desperate, insecure women. You do not feel like a prize to your ex, because you do not act like a prize. We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You're acting like a doormat, so he sees you as a doormat. Not exactly appealing, is it? His tears aren't because he is in love with you and is changing his mind. His tears are because you are acting so pathetic and making him feel guilty that he's turned you into such a doormat. Seriously. He wants out even more now. Not kidding.

 

Who wants some clinging, pathetic, desperate person? Not me. And obviously, not your ex either. So even if you don't feel like a prize, teach yourself some acting skills, and fake it. Because this nicey-nice little act is probably making him as turned off as we all are. Being nicey-nice to him is not being nicey-nice to you. And he sees this.

 

Why would a man want some insecure, needy woman pining at his feet, when he can chase some intelligent, hot woman with self-respect who makes him work for her? Be that woman, if not for him, then for yourself. Or at least for me. lol

 

Go pack a bag, muster up some self worth, and be a woman that a man would feel proud to be with. Stop being a pathetic, clinging doormat. PLEASE. I'm sure you weren't like this when he first met you? So stop being like it now.

[sinkerswim]

I guess the only real answer is time.

 

There's going to be tears, pain, anger, regret and questions. But one day you'll get past them.

 

But by doing those things, yeah, I think you will be making the pain worse. Maybe when you both cried YOU though you had "connected" again and a flicker of hope for you began to grow. And saying he hopes he finds his way back to you, is kind of saying "go do as you please because I'll only be waiting here for you IF you decide you ever want to come back"

 

Even though people will shout at you, I'm sure they understand... let's be honest... it is so hard to treat someone who you really loved as a stranger but by nice and chasing them, you just drag your pain out longer. So it is really in your best interests, and you are what counts right now.

 

Your life is going to be so hard without him for a while. Please remember that, just for a while. Not forever.

 

I wake up in the morning depressed, I manage to shake it off a little by later in the day, but then as night falls it all comes back once again.

 

I hope someday soon you can smile again

 

-neverlost

 

Thank you Neverlost...

I hope and pray I dont feel this way forever.

But how do you think I should keep contact with him while he was my cat?

Once a week or every 2 weeks?

He knows I am getting him in May..and he will take good care of him..I know that.and am not worried..hes not a malicious person..

But I still gotta see how my cat is doing.

 

OMG..I am so prone to depression and now have no health insurance to help me when I go back. My last break up in 2004, I had help with medication and a therapist.

Now I feel alone with that. I AM SCARED.

I actually ache from depression.

[Geishawhelk]

I know..I just felt I had to do that. I know he was truly moved..he wouldnt have cried. I know him.

 

I guess you guys are right...WRONG THING TO DO...it is only going to bother ME.

Im not a bad person you guys..

Just someone who is so scared of losing the guy who once loved me and thought the world of me and wanted to marry me.

I WANT HIM BACK....I WANT THE SAME GUY WHO WALKED INTO MY LIFE 4 YEARS AGO.

I guess I am clinging to anything here.

Ok..keep yelling at me.

I need to hear this..because then I know not to do it anymore.

 

No.

I'm sorry, you're just going to keep doing it because you're an attention seeker.

You're turning into an Emotional vampire.

You keep coming on here in desperation, looking for support, and guidance, but you either do nothing we advise, or you go and do the complete opposite.

And you will keep repeating this pattern of behaviour, until nobody will talk to you, because you will be a hopeless case.

 

Then - and only then - will you realise that your only way out of this will be for you to start digging your way out of the pit.

And it will be hard going, on your own.

 

Unless, of course, you miraculously prove me wrong and finally start acting the way you should.

[sinkerswim]

No.

I'm sorry, you're just going to keep doing it because you're an attention seeker.

You're turning into an Emotional vampire.

You keep coming on here in desperation, looking for support, and guidance, but you either do nothing we advise, or you go and do the complete opposite.

And you will keep repeating this pattern of behaviour, until nobody will talk to you, because you will be a hopeless case.

 

Then - and only then - will you realise that your only way out of this will be for you to start digging your way out of the pit.

And it will be hard going, on your own.

 

Unless, of course, you miraculously prove me wrong and finally start acting the way you should.

 

Im just sad Geisha...I am SCARED. I dont want to do this ALONE.

I am sorry. please dont hate or desert me in this time.

I need you guys. I DO Listen..and your posts are helping.

[nature]

But how do you think I should keep contact with him while he was my cat?

Once a week or every 2 weeks?

He knows I am getting him in May..and he will take good care of him..I know that.and am not worried..hes not a malicious person..

But I still gotta see how my cat is doing.

 

Your cat should either be going with you (no matter how difficult it is for you to take him/her)....or you should be leaving your cat with a friend). It is just sillyness leaving your cat with him, and is just one more desperate move you are pulling to keep connected to him.

 

There is no excuse for this. If he didn't exist, you would have to figure out how to take your cat with you. You are using excuses to leave your cat with him.

 

How are you going to feel calling him about your cat the next few months when you hear thru the grapevine that he has a new girlfriend who made him work for her? You're going to feel like an a**.

 

Because I sense something is going on with this guy. And something is "up". And you won't find out about it until after you leave. Muster up some dignity, please.

[Hersheys]

I know..I just felt I had to do that. I know he was truly moved..he wouldnt have cried. I know him.

 

I guess you guys are right...WRONG THING TO DO...it is only going to bother ME.

Im not a bad person you guys..

Just someone who is so scared of losing the guy who once loved me and thought the world of me and wanted to marry me.

I WANT HIM BACK....I WANT THE SAME GUY WHO WALKED INTO MY LIFE 4 YEARS AGO.

I guess I am clinging to anything here.

Ok..keep yelling at me.

I need to hear this..because then I know not to do it anymore.

 

 

I think he'll get back together with you...out of pity.

[sinkerswim]

I think he'll get back together with you...out of pity.

OK..I see where you guys are going.

No..of course I do not want him to come back to me out of pity...because its not reality.

I know that

[neverlost]

Your last break up in 2004, you managed to get past it then?

You probably thought you'd never meet your ex now.

 

Just as in you wont know who you will meet next.

 

Did you not learn any lessons from the therapist after that break up? Even without seeing them now, can you not remember those lessons?

I don't recommend medication though, you'll be dependant on it everytime you are sad then. And a lot of medication for these kind of things is because you are simply sad, and for no reason. But you have a reason for being upset now, and that reason will heal itself.

 

And the people here have something a therapist doesn't... they are going through the same thing as you. When someone says "I understand" it sure isn't a lie.

 

I am scared too... but I know people are going through the same here... I guess we should start the break-up club

 

 

But regarding the cat, as people have said, the cat should be going with you if anyway possible or make other arrangements. Or if it comes to it, you might just have to not see how the cat is doing for a while.

 

The cat will be used so you can talk to your ex, and you're going to end right back at stage 1 everytime. It will be like going through a break-up once every 2 weeks

 

Cut all contact and just hold on, the light really will show

 

-neverlost

[sinkerswim]

Your last break up in 2004, you managed to get past it then?

You probably thought you'd never meet your ex now.

 

Just as in you wont know who you will meet next.

 

Did you not learn any lessons from the therapist after that break up? Even without seeing them now, can you not remember those lessons?

I don't recommend medication though, you'll be dependant on it everytime you are sad then. And a lot of medication for these kind of things is because you are simply sad, and for no reason. But you have a reason for being upset now, and that reason will heal itself.

 

And the people here have something a therapist doesn't... they are going through the same thing as you. When someone says "I understand" it sure isn't a lie.

 

I am scared too... but I know people are going through the same here... I guess we should start the break-up club

 

 

But regarding the cat, as people have said, the cat should be going with you if anyway possible or make other arrangements. Or if it comes to it, you might just have to not see how the cat is doing for a while.

 

The cat will be used so you can talk to your ex, and you're going to end right back at stage 1 everytime. It will be like going through a break-up once every 2 weeks

 

Cut all contact and just hold on, the light really will show

 

-neverlost

 

Yes..I will start applying what my therapist has said. I think that will really sink in after I move back home to PA.

I WISH I can say someone can take my cat...but nobody can. I have tried. TRUST ME ON THIS. By May I should be back on my feet again. I HOPE.

I wish I can take him with me RIGHT NOW..I would rather.

 

Believe it or not..alot of people that know us..just say.."the cat will be fine..leave him there for now and take care of YOU.

You will get your cat back again..even if we have to help you.

But hes not a malicious person where he would keep him"

Go home and take care of you right now

and ONLY contact him once in awhile about the cat..not about HIMSELF"

 

they tell me to just say...(preferably in an email)

"just checking in about Jiggy..please let me know how he is doing".

[Geishawhelk]

No.

Never.

What you do is ask him to contact you only if - AND ONLY if - there is a problem with the cat.

If everything is fine, do not contact him, and tell him to not contact you at all. period.

The only other thing you contact him about is to say:

"I will be in..... to pick up the cat on....... please let me know if this is NOT convenient."

[neverlost]

Ahh Geishawhelk got there before me,

 

Yeah, you should just ask him to contact you if there is any problem with the cat.

 

If you ask every so often how the cat is you're only going to get an "ok" or "good" reply.

The temptation will be too great to not stop yourself from saying things such as... sooo.. how are you?

Or you'll come off feeling terrible thinking "why didn't he ask me how I am".

 

 

You're just walking back into the flames everytime, stop it! it hurts

 

You can do this,

 

-neverlost

[sinkerswim]

Ahh Geishawhelk got there before me,

 

Yeah, you should just ask him to contact you if there is any problem with the cat.

 

If you ask every so often how the cat is you're only going to get an "ok" or "good" reply.

The temptation will be too great to not stop yourself from saying things such as... sooo.. how are you?

Or you'll come off feeling terrible thinking "why didn't he ask me how I am".

 

 

You're just walking back into the flames everytime, stop it! it hurts

 

You can do this,

 

-neverlost

 

Oh god..it does hurt.

Yeah you are right about that..about getting a response like the cat is good..and then you are right..I would probably WANT to ask how he is.

Yep true. I know it.

I will do this though. I can get through it. I have to.

Shaking, depressed, heart in my throat....

I hope it all goes away someday.

[audrey_1]

Im not a bad person you guys..

Just someone who is so scared of losing the guy who once loved me and thought the world of me and wanted to marry me.

I WANT HIM BACK....I WANT THE SAME GUY WHO WALKED INTO MY LIFE 4 YEARS AGO.

I guess I am clinging to anything here.

Ok..keep yelling at me.

I need to hear this..because then I know not to do it anymore.

 

 

Of course you're not a bad person. But realize you're not going to get the "same guy" back. Yes, you are clinging. You have to WANT to move on, and right now you don't. Scratch that - even if you don't want to move on, you have no choice but to do just that. You're holding on for dear life. This only hurts you. As soon as you left, he was glad you were gone. You were too dramatic and too complicated.

 

 

 

I guess the only real answer is time.

 

There's going to be tears, pain, anger, regret and questions. But one day you'll get past them.

 

Your life is going to be so hard without him for a while. Please remember that, just for a while. Not forever.

 

 

This is a very thoughtful shortened version of what you will be going through for a while. Feel the pain, then let it go and make conscious choices to get busy and put yourself out there to see what's around the corner. Depression will isolate you and make your world all about this guy in your PAST. Don't do that to yourself.

 

 

Ok, i just posted this on your other post, "His Way of Dealing with Things"...but I'm copying it to this post. It's confusing when you have two posts going, so maybe stick to this one?

Here it is:

 

You feel so desperate because you are acting and behaving so desperate. And desperation is the biggest turn off to men. And to women, for that matter.

 

Of course you see things different than the way other people do. Because you have concocted this "fantasy" in your brain that tells you, if you stick around and be nicey-nice to him, he will change his mind. Not going to happen.

 

Keep doing this, and the next thing you will hear is he is dating a vixen who made him work for her. A woman who's a challenge. A woman with self-worth. Nobody wants someone with no self-worth.

 

Ever heard of the book "Men Love Bitches"? Go buy it. It explains very clearly that men do not like needy, desperate, insecure women. You do not feel like a prize to your ex, because you do not act like a prize. We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You're acting like a doormat, so he sees you as a doormat. Not exactly appealing, is it? His tears aren't because he is in love with you and is changing his mind. His tears are because you are acting so pathetic and making him feel guilty that he's turned you into such a doormat. Seriously. He wants out even more now. Not kidding.

 

Who wants some clinging, pathetic, desperate person? Not me. And obviously, not your ex either. So even if you don't feel like a prize, teach yourself some acting skills, and fake it. Because this nicey-nice little act is probably making him as turned off as we all are. Being nicey-nice to him is not being nicey-nice to you. And he sees this.

 

Why would a man want some insecure, needy woman pining at his feet, when he can chase some intelligent, hot woman with self-respect who makes him work for her? Be that woman, if not for him, then for yourself. Or at least for me. lol

 

Go pack a bag, muster up some self worth, and be a woman that a man would feel proud to be with. Stop being a pathetic, clinging doormat. PLEASE. I'm sure you weren't like this when he first met you? So stop being like it now.

 

 

This is a great post. Print out several copies and post it everywhere, on mirrors, next to your computer, on random walls. Any thoughts of clinging? Read how it works against you, not for you. I am working on this, also.

 

 

No.

Never.

What you do is ask him to contact you only if - AND ONLY if - there is a problem with the cat.

If everything is fine, do not contact him, and tell him to not contact you at all. period.

The only other thing you contact him about is to say:

"I will be in..... to pick up the cat on....... please let me know if this is NOT convenient."

 

 

I think you should just find someone else to keep the cat, or take it with you. This will only prolong your healing process and is grasping at straws for a connection to remain. Not a good thing.

[durotto]

OK sinker .. I too would have done the same thing that you did .. I really would ..

 

and I know what the others are saying and I know that they are right .. but because we are blinded by our love for them we think that by doing these acts of love that they will come back ..

 

but they won't .. but we still give ourselves false hopes of love, of getting back together .. of us as a couple again ..

 

but that will never happen again .. and we need to show them that we are strong ..

 

we can live without them .. that is why NC is so important .. because it shows them how strong you are ..

 

be strong .. you CAN DO IT .

[stray_cat]

now be honest, are you leaving the cat coz you cant really take it with you or your leaving it to him so that you still have a good reason to keep in touch?

[nature]

now be honest, are you leaving the cat coz you cant really take it with you or your leaving it to him so that you still have a good reason to keep in touch?

 

I agree. This is the worst possible move you can make right now. I would leave behind clothes, before I'd leave the cat. It sounds like you are moving home? To your parents house? Take your cat. Leaving your cat behind is unfair to the cat, unfair to yourself, and unfair to your ex. He broke up with you. It hurts, but it is the reality.

 

Leaving your cat is, yet again, showing him you are not a strong, independent, strong-willed woman. It comes across as very needy and very weak. And I don't think any man wants that in a woman. No men I know, anyways. And from the way your ex talks to you, it sounds like this neediness is what turned him off in the first place, and caused him to break up with you.

 

So why are you continuing this behaviour if you want him back? The only possible way you will ever get him wanting you back, is if you take a deep breath, muster up that strength you have inside, and stop the neediness.

 

This sounds terrible, but what if your ex had died? What would you do then? Because you should be doing the same thing now.

[not_a_happy_camper]

I know..I just felt I had to do that. I know he was truly moved..he wouldnt have cried. I know him.

 

I guess you guys are right...WRONG THING TO DO...it is only going to bother ME.

Im not a bad person you guys..

Just someone who is so scared of losing the guy who once loved me and thought the world of me and wanted to marry me.

I WANT HIM BACK....I WANT THE SAME GUY WHO WALKED INTO MY LIFE 4 YEARS AGO.

I guess I am clinging to anything here.

Ok..keep yelling at me.

I need to hear this..because then I know not to do it anymore.

 

sinker, hate to break it to you, you know this already, you're not listening to anyone, and you're refusing to accept the gravity of the situation, you are wallowing.

 

you want him back. you're scared of losing him.

 

it's too late. you've lost him already. stop talking about losing him, and him being your "soon to be ex". he IS your ex. if he wanted you back, you wouldn't be in this situation. i understand this is hard. i've never been with anyone that long. but your indecision about moving home at the very start of all this is what now has you in this situation. i know it's a difficult decision to make, but it comes from the fact that you haven't accepted things as they are. and now you can't change the past, but you have to change the way you see things. Accept the situation. if you have so many friends there, why dont you move in with one of them now until you go home? you're only making this harder on yourself. the sooner you make the break, the sooner the healing will begin, because all you're doing now is hurting yourself, it's not even him hurting you anymore. STOP.

[lonelygurl]

you need to move out of that place now!

why can't you move back home now...why are you waiting until the end of the month??? are you moving into your own place??? do you have family back home??? if you have family back home, move your stuff into storage until you get your own place.

 

you are only torturing yourself. He isn't going to change his mind while you are there no matter what you do. The first time my X dumped me we had a "trial" run six months prior where he thought he might want to break up, but said he/we would work on things well he never really tried and it was a waste.

 

take your cat with you and move out now. Why are you doing this too yourself???????

[D-Lish]

Why are you waiting until the end of the month? I agree that the cat should be coming with you. You're not going to be able to heal or move forward by leaving that loose end.

[PinkToes]

I can't add anything to the advice everyone has given, but I would like to share a story about the time I was on the other side of this situation. A guy I'd been involved with broke up with me, and I eventually moved on. Then he came back.

 

I was in a new relationship by then, so I would have been fine with the idea of being friends. Except he wanted more than that; he wanted to pretend we still had that familiar intimacy between us. That was his definition of being "friends."

 

And to be honest, it started feeling a bit creepy. I had to watch everything I said, to make sure he didn't get the wrong idea. I couldn't be too "nice" or he might think there was a chance for us. The longer it went on, the more I tried to push him away. When our paths crossed, he would start a conversation very casually, and then it would inevitably turn into something else -- usually his demanding an explanation of why I was acting so "cold." Sometimes, he even started to cry.

 

I got annoyed and angry that he couldn't seem to get it through his head that we were no longer a couple. And one day, I ended up screaming at him -- in public -- to leave me alone. I kept thinking we could be friends, because I liked the guy. But nothing I said or did seemed to sink in with him. And one day I just snapped.

 

In a way, I was angry that he had destroyed any chance we might have had to be friends. But I had lost all respect for him -- along with any desire to have anything to do with him. I really hope your situation ends better than this.

 

I know it's tough, but these people are right. If it's too hard to muster up your self respect at the moment, at least try to fake it. Act strong and keep your emotional distance, even if you're falling apart inside. Don't push this guy so hard that he ends up lashing out the way I did. It isn't pretty!