long distance relationship + parents = ?????

January 21, 2009

I am in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is from India and I am from the Philippines. We met online and I've known him for over 7 years now, and we are an "official" couple for almost 4 years. He is 24 and I am 21. He has already come to visit me in the Philippines twice.

The last time he was here (January 2008), we had a talk with my parents asking if I can come visit India this summer after I graduate from college (btw I will be 22 then). My parents said "we will see. only time will tell" and my mother said that she cannot let me go without either her or my elder sister accompanying me.

It is almost my graduation and I wanted to get started on planning our trip to India. I talked to my mother a few nights ago and she told me that she cannot go to India with me for 2 weeks. Because she cannot afford to leave the house because of our family business and financial issues. I asked her if it had to be her that should come with me, and she said yes, only her. I asked why and she said that India is different and she wants to be there when I face it, if I can handle it. I said, can't I go alone? She said no because I am not responsible enough yet.

So I am at a stand still here. I feel stuck. I understand why my mother really can't give 2 weeks or so to come with me. She even said that she wanted to really, but that she cannot. So I am really stopping myself from being an irrational spoiled brat for seeing this as unfair. And for her not letting me come alone, is not a big surprise. Philippine culture is really just different. I was thinking about cutting the trip short then, but my boyfriend is saying there is no point of coming if it is only for a few days (haha).

I asked her how can I show her that I am responsible enough. And she gave me vague reasons like helping with the kitchen and stuff like that or cleaning my room. Haha Even if i cleaned my whole room with bleach, she still would not let me go. She said that as of now, no, she won't let me go on my own.

Now I'm upset, my boyfriend is upset. He thinks that I never really wanted to go to India, and that if I really wanted to, I wouldn't let my mom get in the way. Oh how I really want to play the rebel, pack up my bags and just leave.

I am doing my best not to be angry at my mom for being "unfair". Am trying my best not to break down from missing my boyfriend whom I haven't seen for over a year. A boyfriend who says that he can't wait much longer and just end it all because our relationship doesn't seem to be working out. That it seems like I would never be able to go to India. That even after a dozen "rebirths" I wouldn't be independent enough still. He even says that he wants to get married already.

My sister advised me to get a job quick and earn money on my own and go there with my own money and my parents can't say no. Well they still may say no, but they can't stop me. But as I mentioned, my boyfriend is already at the end of his rope and doesn't know how much longer he can wait. I don't know what to do. I want to make this work.

My boyfriend and I really do love each other and have been trying to figure out ways for us to finally be actually in the same timezone as each other. He said that ideally, he would pick the Philippines to live in rather than in India. But that it wouldn't be practical because he says he can't just quit his job and come here to go searching for one. Economy is bad and for each month that goes on without a job, he would be thinking about the salary he could've been making if he had stayed in India. We also are waiting on results if he got into the college he wanted to get an MBA, but right now, the competition to get in is really feisty. We really are trying to figure out ways.

I feel as if facing a dead end. I really love him and I do see him as being my husband some day. I want to keep fighting for this relationship because I believe in it and I know that all the struggles would be ten thousand times worth it! And already so close to the finish line... I don't know what to do to have my boyfriend gain some "steam for his engine" (his words, not mine) and not be too frustrated with our relationship. He sees it as not progressing. He also says that he won't come visit me anymore unless I go visit him in India, because coming here again would be pointless and would cost a lot of money. He says that he has done his part, and it is my turn to do mine.

I plan to work asap and earn my own money and finally get my ass there for a visit. But that would be months from now, and maybe even would take me a year for my parents to see me as "responsible". My boyfriend is so upset that he says "I'm all talk", that I shouldn't have brought his hopes up about me coming for a visit this summer. I really want to make this work, but I don't know how anymore.

What do I do?

January 23, 2009

Honestly he doesn't sound very understanding.... It sounds like he's blaming you for this and doesn't get that it's your PARENTS that are stopping you from going to India...

January 24, 2009

Hi kimflute 26 thanks for replying!

I understand why he is upset over this. Because we have been together a long time and he feels that there is no progress.

He understands it, but can't help but be upset about it... don't know what to do about that. Or atleast to compensate for now.

Any suggestions?

January 24, 2009

I don't understand all the cultural differences, but if I were in your position, this is what I would try...

I would go to my parents and talk to them at least one more time. I would point out all the responsibility I showed by staying in school and putting my education first. I would point out the responsibility I showed by now partying, and the responsibility of having a long distance relationship that has lasted as long as it has. (This assumes what I say is true for you)

I would mention that my boyfriend has made the effort to travel to spend time with me, and that it is not unreasonable to make the effort to see him in return. Relationships are two-way streets - it would be IRRESPONSIBLE of you to make him go through all the effort.

I would ask if Mom could perhaps come to India for the first week, since she cannot stay two weeks, or if Older Sister is still an option.

If they are still putting up resistance, I would plainly ask why. If a reasonable answer is not given, I would move on to Plan B.

Plan B requires a discussion with the boyfriend. I would tell him all about my discussion with my parents and that because of my education, I was not able to earn money by working without sacrificing my studies. I would tell him that I do not want him to come see me until I have seen him, but that my plan is to get a job as soon as possible in order to earn the money to see him because he is very important to me. I would also tell him that unfortunately this means putting off the summer visit because I will not have enough money saved up. Hopefully he understands that I am serious and will give me encouragement and support while I save my money.

Hopefully your parents will speak reasonably with you about this situation and it gets resolved in your favor. I hope I've been of some help.

January 24, 2009

Wow! That sounds SO much like my mum that I just had a moment of deja vu. Seriously, I don't get what's with Asian parents and thinking that the best way for their daughter to prove that they're mature/independent enough is by doing housework. Yeah, like knowing how to scrub floors is gonna help me when I'm alone in a bar and a creepy guy approaches me....

I feel for you, I really do. I think in this case your bf should be more understanding, as you really are caught in between. It may be hard on him but if he truly does care for you that much I believe he will try. You can help him too, by maintaining contact and brainstorming with him about how you two can meet.

My parents would never let me go visit my bf either... even if I paid for it myself. Pretty much the only way I'd be able to do so is if I just deliberately ignored them and went, with all the consequences that'd have on my relationship with them (they'd probably severe it).

January 24, 2009

I don't understand all the cultural differences, but if I were in your position, this is what I would try...

I would go to my parents and talk to them at least one more time. I would point out all the responsibility I showed by staying in school and putting my education first. I would point out the responsibility I showed by now partying, and the responsibility of having a long distance relationship that has lasted as long as it has. (This assumes what I say is true for you)

I would mention that my boyfriend has made the effort to travel to spend time with me, and that it is not unreasonable to make the effort to see him in return. Relationships are two-way streets - it would be IRRESPONSIBLE of you to make him go through all the effort.

I would ask if Mom could perhaps come to India for the first week, since she cannot stay two weeks, or if Older Sister is still an option.

If they are still putting up resistance, I would plainly ask why. If a reasonable answer is not given, I would move on to Plan B.

Plan B requires a discussion with the boyfriend. I would tell him all about my discussion with my parents and that because of my education, I was not able to earn money by working without sacrificing my studies. I would tell him that I do not want him to come see me until I have seen him, but that my plan is to get a job as soon as possible in order to earn the money to see him because he is very important to me. I would also tell him that unfortunately this means putting off the summer visit because I will not have enough money saved up. Hopefully he understands that I am serious and will give me encouragement and support while I save my money.

Hopefully your parents will speak reasonably with you about this situation and it gets resolved in your favor. I hope I've been of some help.

Hi kikiw!

I appreciate you taking the time to think up of not one plan, but two! hehe I do plan to talk to my parents again soon, but for now I have to let my mom "cool down". Part of her reasons is probably that she freaked out about me leaving so soon.

In Philippine culture, the kids don't leave the house until they are married. They study from age 3 to 21-22. At age 22 they are still seen as kids haha It is not usual that we work while we are in high school or in college like in Western cultures. And it is our parents who pay for our education, unlike in other places wherein you get student loans sometimes and stuff. The "pattern" is to study, graduate, get a job. Get married when you've saved enough, and with parents' approval. And while you're still in the house, you do everything your parents say. Still very conservative and traditional. Very rare that people move out at 18 or even 21.

I'm actually thinking of writing a letter (I'm better with written than speaking haha) and then we can talk after. I mean, it really is just 2 weeks, and I will be safe with him for sure. I just need to talk to them again. But not right now, timing is CRUCIAL when it comes to my parents. We're not big talkers haha and things tend to be SO SERIOUS. When I really just want to show them that it is something inevitable and will happen someday. Serious, but not so crazy panic serious hehe

My boyfriend did suggest that she could stay for a week and then go home. I don't know yet how my mom would react to the idea. Possible... I hope! Will let you know

And as of Plan B, yes definitely I have thought about that. Definitely I would start work this year. But it just is more perfect for me to spend some quality time with him in India while I don't have to worry about leaves I have to file or anything. When I come back to Phil I can seriously start working and the serious saving up for the future begins!

That's the basic plans... but still it really would be great to see him again (soon). IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR ;( The brat in me is begging him to come again for graduation which perfectly coincides with his birthday as well. Would be great... it would also boost our morale and "rekindle" the love again.

Thanks kikiw I really appreciate your advice.

January 24, 2009

Wow! That sounds SO much like my mum that I just had a moment of deja vu. Seriously, I don't get what's with Asian parents and thinking that the best way for their daughter to prove that they're mature/independent enough is by doing housework. Yeah, like knowing how to scrub floors is gonna help me when I'm alone in a bar and a creepy guy approaches me....

I feel for you, I really do. I think in this case your bf should be more understanding, as you really are caught in between. It may be hard on him but if he truly does care for you that much I believe he will try. You can help him too, by maintaining contact and brainstorming with him about how you two can meet.

My parents would never let me go visit my bf either... even if I paid for it myself. Pretty much the only way I'd be able to do so is if I just deliberately ignored them and went, with all the consequences that'd have on my relationship with them (they'd probably severe it).

Haha I know exactly what you mean about household chores being a "stamp" for independence! Are you asian, too?

My bf has been very patient after all these years and has been understanding. But can't take out the fact that it also is frustrating. Especially since we havn't had physical contact fo over a year. All I can do now is talk to my parents again, keep trying. With his support.

Actually his best friend offered to pay for his airfare to get him here. Just as a gift because he sees that we are going through a rough patch these past couple of weeks. Isn't that sweet? And I have no shame and want to take it , but my boyfriend doesn't. He's being "tough" trying not to "spoil" me and letting me get my way all the time. Fair enough.

But it's really tough. I need to see him again soon. When I think about it, even if I work for a few months and save more than enough for my trip, I wonder if my mom would let me go. It's frustrating.

And yah, can't just pack up my things and go. That would be seen as stupid and immature. I've never been the rebellious kind if I do something like that, they'd probably think he was a bad influence on me.

We have been talking a lot recently. But ever since I had that talk with my mom and prospects of me coming to see him in the summer getting crushed, took a toll on our relationship. Right now he doesn't want to talk about plans on how to see each other again. Says it's been so long. And I get that, I do. I want to make things work. I want to see him soon! Haaaay

He says that all the planning we've been making is going no where.

Thanks for replying to my post Are you in a LDR as well?

January 24, 2009

I'm not trying to throw a spanner in the works here, but - how do your parents feel about the fact that he's Indian....?

January 24, 2009

I'm not trying to throw a spanner in the works here, but - how do your parents feel about the fact that he's Indian....?

They don't mind about that.

January 24, 2009

Well something's bugging them......

January 24, 2009

Well something's bugging them......

Any idea what it could be?

January 24, 2009

Yes. You've grown up and looks like you could be flying the nest.

parents hate it sometimes when kids grow up.

It's unreal to them and they are reluctant to let go.

Maybe.

But I could be wrong......

January 24, 2009

Well something's bugging them......

Probably that in pinoy culture girls just don't pack up and go. Parents have to be informed of a daughter's marriage up to the age of 25. Very, very few have the financial power to get up and take a trip to India, if the OPs family has that kind of money then she has most likely been raised by nannys, the family has drivers, cooks and maids to go along with the nannies. And the housework demand is like basic training shock treatment were most of her life she had directed the household staff, especially if she is the ate and mom worked outside of the home.

It might be different if she was one of the one in ten adults who are OFWs, working outside the country to send money back to the Pinas. But she is a single girl and the man is expected to come court her

Edit to add. The chaperone tradition is still alive in the Philippines, especially when a foriegner is invovled. Someone will be expected to go with her doubling the trip price.

January 24, 2009

I'm not trying to throw a spanner in the works here, but - how do your parents feel about the fact that he's Indian....?

I wouldn't discount this. Indians in the Philippines carry an image much like anti-semites give Jews for being money changers.

January 24, 2009

Yeah I'm Asian as well. Yeah good point taiko, here the guys are still expected to be the ones doing all the work, because the parents MUST NOT LET the precious daughter's reputation and purity be smeared in the slightest.

January 24, 2009

My wife is a pinay. I have the advantage of an outsider who has taken a very long look at your culture.

January 25, 2009

Hi everyone!

I decided to write a letter to my folks first.

I need your opinion on this Please let me know if it's reasonable, and I don't sound too emotional/aggressive/attacking/demanding. hehe

I hope to achieve a responsible and mature tone!!

Suggestions, criticisms, corrections = GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!

It's still a draft though hehe

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Dear Mama and Papa,

I decided to write to you because I find it easier to communicate this way. Shows that I've thought about what I was going to say, and we can talk naman afterwards. I just wanted to write because I think more clearly and to not forget the points I have in my head.

I've known Lavin for such a long time now and he has already come here twice. It's enough to show even from the outside how much we mean to each other. We've lasted this long, and you must know that it wasn't easy. We all know that nothing in life is easy, and even when it's hard, it's worth fighting for.

Lavin and I are serious about each other and I hope you know that, too. I am aware that there are still a lot of things that we need to figure out, and we are taking it one step at a time. Right now what is important is me finally meeting his family and to spend more time together. Just like how you did not know much about Lavin, his parents don't know much about me either, and it is time that they do see how fabulous I am. I think it is the right time to meet them. I think that the summer would be a perfect time because I don't have to worry about things like taking leaves for once I start a full-time job. And will allow me to just fully enjoy the sights and sounds of India. It can also be a great way of celebrating 18 years of schooling.

I know that Mama wants to protect me and make sure that I don't face any hardships, but I feel that this is something that I am capable of facing on my own, too. Nothing bad can happen to me in India. Lavin won't let that happen either. 5 minutes nga lang na wala ako, hinahanap na ako. hehe It would be great to have Mama come along, even Lavin says so, so that she can meet his mom and "make kwentuhan" daw.

I understand that Mama can't give up that much time to be away from the house and the business. It would be even greater nga sana if the whole family could come! Family trip!! But financially and time-wise, I know it's close to impossible at the moment. Maybe we can just stay for a few days lang, or maybe mama can accompany me for as long as she possibly can, and go home earlier than me if she would allow it. At least that way, she can be there with me and see how things are. To make sure that everything is okay.

Pagdating ko dun, di naman ako gagawing kusinera o labandera haha I know that house hold duties are important and I do know how to do those things. I clean up when I eat at (mid)night or when I have breakfast sometimes in the morning. I cook my own food when I'm hungry and nothing is available. I take myself to school everyday safe and sound. In more ways than one, I am responsible. Kahit mga simpleng bagay lang. I even got a job for myself, even though it is part time only for now. It's a great start.

I also believe that being in a long distance relationship takes a lot of responsibility, too. Not a lot can say that they have lasted as long as Lavin and I have, given in a situation like ours. I waited a while before I let you know about Lavin, until I knew it was real. I hope that you can see just how much it really takes to make a relationship like ours work. I know that it may be difficult to understand how a serious relationship can form through the internet, and being far from each other. It takes a lot of honesty, communication, and trust from both parties. But you have seen for yourself that it has stood the test of time and developed even further.

I was able to balance things naman. My grades aren't perfect (but I never really was one to excel in school) but I never failed a class or went astray. I have a world outside my relationship with Lavin. I kept it pretty well-balanced. This is something I worked really hard for, and something that is very important to me. This trip is about moving forward with Lavin. It's me getting to know him more and seeing where he comes from. We take it step by step, and we both know that we can't do it without both our family's support.

Going to India and meeting Lavin's family is something I have to do. I honestly think that I am responsible enough to go to India for a short visit. To meet Lavin's family, to spend time with him again, get to know his family better. To me, responsibility is being able to take care of yourself, and I know that I can. It's only 2 weeks. I will survive!

I know I grew up sheltered and comfortably, and I have you to thank for that. But I did not grow up weak, you raised me strong. I know that I am young but I'm asking for you to trust me in making decisions on my own. I mean, syempre you will always be there to guide me , but there are also things I have to do for myself. You both raised me up very well and fully equipped. If it weren't for you both, I wouldn't have been mature enough to have such a good relationship with Lavin in the first place.

P.S.

It would be the best graduation and birthday gift ever!

January 25, 2009

My wife is a pinay. I have the advantage of an outsider who has taken a very long look at your culture.

Hi taiko!

Thank you for replying to my post and I really appreciate how you understand my situation

It's great that you have a pinay wife! Aren't we just the best? hehe

January 25, 2009

Yes. You've grown up and looks like you could be flying the nest.
parents hate it sometimes when kids grow up.
It's unreal to them and they are reluctant to let go.

Maybe.
But I could be wrong......

Oh parents... LET GO!!! hehe We won't go far! hehe

January 25, 2009

sorry that i have to post this again. the forum won't let me edit

just added a few more lines

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