luverly Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I broke up with my BF, but there is something I just found out that he did that I hate him for. Backstory: We knew each other as kids and reconnected on myspace when he was deployed to the middle east. We started talking and within 3 months I was falling for him and he asked me to be his GF and wait for him. I thought he was a good guy...he would walk a mile to the phones to talk to me...he told me we had a future together...he was falling for me..etc. I was loyal the whole time and then we dated when he got home and moved in together. We broke up recently and I found out some hurtful stuff. Apparently he was talking to other people too in Iraq. He admitted he was talking to an Ex telling her he loved her, missed her and wanted to be with her. He talked to another Ex as well and his ex-wife. The whole time I thought he was the one and it was just me and him. His excuse is: he was in war and he needed attention from anyone that would give him notice. He says I have no idea what it's like to hold a dead body in your arms...to see your friend die in front of you and have people try to kill you everyday...and that I should understand that he was going through hell and needed anything he could get (I sent him packages and letters and was there everytime he called and waited by the IM to talk to him whenever I could. He had 100% of MY attention). He now says that what he did there shouldn't matter because he chose me and was with me and that's all that matters. My question is...how much of a bastard do you think he is? I freaking hate him for this. Do you think hatred is warranted or I'm just being irrational? And he and I are definitely over 100%, so you don't need to tell me not to be with him...I am just asking your opinion on how you would feel given you were in my shoes.
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Read my signature. hatred eats you up. But if you can afford to subscribe to a corrosive, destructive and utterly pointless, useless and unproductive emotion, go right ahead.
Author luverly Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I was just curious as to how others would feel in my place that's all.
JackJack Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I'm sorry that happened. I understand you're hurt and angry and maybe you should be. I do think though that once you let the anger and hurt go, you'll be able to move on sooner. Anger and "hate" get you no where and is a waste of time to dwell on things we can not change. I also understand we all can not help how we feel, and I think its ok for you to feel the way you do, as long as its not continual. Good luck.
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Actually, whilst I think his actions were....inadvisable, to say the least - I can see his rationale. From a soldier's POV, he's in an unnatural state. He's firing bullets, often at an unseen enemy or non-visual targets, but the problem is, they fire back. he's given some good examples (if 'good' can be said to be the right word) of how difficult, challenging and miserable his life is out there. WE cannot know - we can never know - how isolating, and lonely such a life can be. And he's surrounded 100% by testosterone. Other big, macho, step-up-to-the-plate, lay-your-life-on-the-line guys, all with families, parents, loved ones at home, all wondering if they'll ever see them again. You say you gave him 100% attention, but frankly, that's not true. You were also living a normal daily life, doing whatever you were doing, so you had social distractions and other things to take your mind off flying bombs, explosions, night-time attacks and armour-piercing bullets. And let me tell you, the ratio of cheating aprtners back home, is higher than the ratio of wandering squaddies, out there. He probably did want to know that people where thinking of him back home. it makes facing the reality of being killed painfully, a less lonely prospect. So yes, I do think your feeling of hate is way-over-the-top and irrational. I think it's insensitive and unfeeling. I think if you could have put yourself in his shoes for even an hour during high combat, you'd be sh*tting yourself and take it all back. I'm not saying what he did was right. I am saying that your response is disproportionate.
Author luverly Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Actually, whilst I think his actions were....inadvisable, to say the least - I can see his rationale. From a soldier's POV, he's in an unnatural state. He's firing bullets, often at an unseen enemy or non-visual targets, but the problem is, they fire back. he's given some good examples (if 'good' can be said to be the right word) of how difficult, challenging and miserable his life is out there. WE cannot know - we can never know - how isolating, and lonely such a life can be. And he's surrounded 100% by testosterone. Other big, macho, step-up-to-the-plate, lay-your-life-on-the-line guys, all with families, parents, loved ones at home, all wondering if they'll ever see them again. You say you gave him 100% attention, but frankly, that's not true. You were also living a normal daily life, doing whatever you were doing, so you had social distractions and other things to take your mind off flying bombs, explosions, night-time attacks and armour-piercing bullets. And let me tell you, the ratio of cheating aprtners back home, is higher than the ratio of wandering squaddies, out there. He probably did want to know that people where thinking of him back home. it makes facing the reality of being killed painfully, a less lonely prospect. So yes, I do think your feeling of hate is way-over-the-top and irrational. I think it's insensitive and unfeeling. I think if you could have put yourself in his shoes for even an hour during high combat, you'd be sh*tting yourself and take it all back. I'm not saying what he did was right. I am saying that your response is disproportionate. Is it also justified that he kept talking to them when he got back behind my back? That he has cheated on every woman he has ever dated including his ex-wife? Or that it's justifiable to tell more than one woman you love them and want a family with them? Or that he had had phone sex with his ex-wife atleast 3 times while he and I were living together? I feel like he's using it as an excuse to do whatever he wants. If it were anyone else that had a history of NOT cheating and being a good guy I would look past it.
AlektraClementine Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Luverly, let's be fair here. - you failed to point out any of the post war cheating in your original post. That might have some bearing on the advice people are giving you.
Jo78 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Hi luverly, You are with an *******. Plain and simple. If he is traumatized from being down range, tell him to get counseling. Don't accept it as an excuse to treat you like that.
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Is it also justified that he kept talking to them when he got back behind my back? That he has cheated on every woman he has ever dated including his ex-wife? Or that it's justifiable to tell more than one woman you love them and want a family with them? Or that he had had phone sex with his ex-wife atleast 3 times while he and I were living together? I feel like he's using it as an excuse to do whatever he wants. If it were anyone else that had a history of NOT cheating and being a good guy I would look past it. Yes, indeed, thanks for the update. It would have helped. However, as you are careful to point out that he is most definitely your ex-, and there is no way you are getting back together - then this hate is now your responsibility. You need to drop it and move on. If you are perpetuating the hatred, anger and resentment - more fool you. It doesn't have to be this way, and you are in control of you. If you go on with it, you have no-one to blame but yourself.
JackJack Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You are now aware of what kind of person he is. Its not fair that he has done this, but just take it as a life lesson, know that you're a better person, and try to move on the best you can.
Author luverly Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Yes, indeed, thanks for the update. It would have helped. However, as you are careful to point out that he is most definitely your ex-, and there is no way you are getting back together - then this hate is now your responsibility. You need to drop it and move on. If you are perpetuating the hatred, anger and resentment - more fool you. It doesn't have to be this way, and you are in control of you. If you go on with it, you have no-one to blame but yourself. You're right. I need to let it go, but how?
EnigmasMuse Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Hopefully with time, and try to keep yourself as busy as possible. Go out with family or friends when you get the chance, and take one day at a time.
soconfused01 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 you're broken up. ask yourself why it matters? don't waste more of your time thinking about him. you dont' want to become bitter and it seems like you're well on your way. just let it go
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You're right. I need to let it go, but how? Just know that some guys are like that., They crave attention because whilst they compete man-to-man, they feel confident. but when women are concerend, they need to feel they can be the rooster in the henhouse, or their ego takes a battering. The dumb thing is you fell for it. The bright thing is you got yourself out of it. He is SEP* now. You are a free agent, you know you won't suffer fools gladly and you know you have standards. Lucky is the guy who can come up to them, and get the medal. But the more you let hate and anger govern your decision-making, the more you will seem a gal with attitude. And guys don't like that. Mind you, we're not keen on an arrogant guy either, so you could see their point - ! (*Someone Else's Problem)
Trialbyfire Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yup, you're lucky to be free of him! Anyone with the attitude of "I'm not responsible, everything and everyone else made me do it", deserves to be alone! Victimhood is so unattractive. It's going to take you awhile to move forward from this betrayal. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, bleed it all out until there's no more to bleed, in tears, anger and if necessary, hatred. Just make sure you don't get trapped in each negative cycle. Take care of yourself. Focus on moving on. You deserve it!
Author luverly Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks everybody! it helped a bit to vent.
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