sweetestgoodbye Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Ok so this is my situation...maybe a little longer...sorry My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. We met in Germany when he was stationed there (he is in the army) He got orders to come back to the states and I went with him and left everything behind for him (I was born and raised in germany and I had never been to the states before) We were really happy back in germany and I thought things were not gonna change but I was wrong. Almost immediately after we got to the states in oct 07 things changed...or he changed. At first I thought that Im just being too sensitive because Im homesick and I had to get used to my new life and home. It was really hard because I was stuck at home, couldnt go to work yet (my greencard was in process) and he was gone most of the times. When he was home we would argue all the time. He said and still says words that really really hurt me. I always try to think of what I did wrong to upset him or why he is so mad at me all the time. I always played it off...thought he was just stressed at work.... Well today again...in the car. I had to give him directions, which I did but he made a wrong turn. he got upset really quick, he is not patient at all. He said "**** it im just gonna drive around...." I told him to calm down and to get on that and that street. he just said well ****ing help me out. do something bla bla....I hate it when he gives me commands or uses the f word. So I didnt react. then he said: "ur an idiot, a dumbass, a retard" yelling at me. I was really hurt and didnt even wanna look at him. So I just put on my Ipod because I didnt wanna hear what else he would say. As soon as I put it on he called me a stupid bitch...I pretended not to have heard it. The first months I always argued but now I just hear what he has to say and shut up. It hurt me yea....but (i know it sounds horrible) Im just kinda used to all that and numb. He insulted me many times, told me I make his life miserable whenever we fight or tells me he cant stand me and he would buy me a ticket back home if I dont stop my behavior. he told me 10000 times to just shut the F up. After he calmed down he apologizes all the time, says he was wrong and all that. I just dont know what to do anymore. I really love him and I know he loves me... And when we dont fight its really great. I just hate that it has to come to that "abusive" level. We talked about it many times. He tells me what he wants me to change and I do, but he never keeps his words. It doesnt matter if we're at home, in the car, grocery store...he is so impatient and whenever something doesnt go fast enough, good enough its always my fault... I always was a selfconfident woman...but not since Im here in the states...im not happy. I wish he would still be the same...I dont know what do to...I really love him and I dont wanna leave him. I also noticed that he treats his mom just like he treats me. Same demeaning words, yelling and all that stuff. I dont know why. I feel like Im at the end of the road
desertmoon Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Why does he do that? because he can. Because he is in his home turf. Because you need him more now than he needs you (at least, in his mind he believes that). This is a horrible situation because you are away from everything that is familiar to you. He is abusive because he thinks he can abuse you.... When do you get your green card? and how important is it for you to get a green card? Do you want to stay here in the US? because you are not desperate..you do not need to be here in the US for economic reasons-- I say, leave him...pack up your bag and leave your abusive husband! If you choose to stay, know that you will have to learn to adjust your life and live with that kind of verbal abuse...it's not a pretty future....
Author sweetestgoodbye Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 ur right I dont NEED to be here in the US. I got my greencard 2 months ago actually. And I know he would come back to germany with me in a heartbeat... The thing is....I wanna work on our marriage and he says he does too. I just dont wanna give up because I really love him. I know he loves me and I know he feels awful after he calmed down and realized what he said to me... he needs a way to manage his anger and not leave it out on me....or is this just wishfull thinking??? I dont just wanna leave him
desertmoon Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 ur right I dont NEED to be here in the US. I got my greencard 2 months ago actually. And I know he would come back to germany with me in a heartbeat... The thing is....I wanna work on our marriage and he says he does too. I just dont wanna give up because I really love him. I know he loves me and I know he feels awful after he calmed down and realized what he said to me... he needs a way to manage his anger and not leave it out on me....or is this just wishfull thinking??? I dont just wanna leave him Ok...then you need PROFESSIONAL help...is he willing to do that with you? Oh mein liebe...all abusers feel sorry and bad after the damage and then blame you for causing them to get angry....it's classic. Do not fall for it. you might not WANT to leave him, but you may NEED to leave him...
You'reasian Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Anger management is in order. Perhaps the two of you could look up anger management techniques online and work on them - what else does he do to cope under stress? If he is still in the Army, he should have access to family support services as well. Tell him you love him and that he should seek assistance. Does he get regular PT? Is he able to get to his hobbies?
Rebellious Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Do you have the money for a ticket back home? Do you have friends or family here to support you? Germany is a more civilized country, why would you prefer to live in the US? I bet getting your greencard was the first time in your life you were ever fingerprinted like a criminal, yeah?
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