Dazed and confused

[Asami]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new to loveshack and I'm in need of some advice. I'm sorry, but my post is about to get really long here but I feel like I should explain it all so you guys have the full story. Here goes, 6 months ago, I met someone through a co-worker, we hit it off right away, we have a lot in common but here's the thing, our relationship is long distance we live in the same state, but we live about 7 hours apart.

 

his divorce was final a few months before we met and after a couple of dates he told me that he was interested in me, he likes me a lot but he dosen't want anything serious right now. He asked what did I want from him, and I told him lets see what happens as time goes on. We have travelled back and forward to see each other quite often, we talk all the time pretty much every day, and we would see each other about 2-3 times a month. When the holidays came about, he visited his family out of state and on his way back he stopped by to visit me. He was supposed to leave prior to the new year which I was a little sad about, but he ended up staying with me new years eve and he ended up leaving new years day.

 

Here's where it got sour..after he went home I noticed that he wasn't calling very much so me being honest and up front, I asked him if there was a problem he said no so I left the situation alone...his birthday is this month and several weeks prior, the topic came up. We decided that we were going to see each other for his bday weekend well as his bday weekend approached, he never brought it up! when the weekend finally got here, I had trouble getting in touch with him we went from talking every day to brief 2-5 min chats:confused:, I spoke to him briefly on that friday 3 mins, sat 2mins he seemed to be at some event because of the noise in the background.

 

I wished him a happy bday that sunday via text and a phone call I never got an answer, I tried that monday morning and his phone was off then at noon that day he answered but he seemed short abrupt and cool I polietly asked if he can call me when he got the chance and he never did..I'm really hurt, I like this guy a lot, and I'm not sure where to go from here.

 

I tried calling him to discuss it and to let him know how I feel about the whole thing and he won't return my calls ...what do you guys think? am I being needy? any suggestions on how to handle the situation? any advice would be appreciated. thanks for listening

[Island Girl]

Something is up and whatever it is short of him being in a coma in the hospital he needs to be in the dog house.

 

The dog house means he gets NC from you and it is his responsibility to make reparations. That means HE has to contact you and boy does he have a lot of explaining to do - and he has to back those words up with actions.

 

If he doesn't contact right away I'd start working on replacing him.

 

At this point he has completely checked out of the relationship.

 

Calls from you may eventually get a response but it makes you appear desperate and needy which is not respectable. So you will be devaluing yourself by doing that.

 

He knows he has scaled back the conversations. He knows he did not spend his birthday with you. He was out somewhere during the weekend - so he made time to get ready, get there, and have fun doing whatever it was - but he couldn't call you?!! Uh uh. That should be enough to set your jaw and draw the line.

 

He has been mistreating you and you have been chasing after him to ask him why.

 

Apparently he is not mature enough to let you know what is going on and instead is avoiding you and has put you on a shelf so to speak.

 

You deserve better. You shouldn't allow yourself to be put on the back burner when I am quite sure you have a lot to offer.

 

Stop calling him. I know it seems tough but you have to regain your self respect.

 

It is his move to contact you, apologize, give you a full run down of what happened, and a plan about how he is going to regain your trust and reestablish a relationship with you.

 

Until that happens I'd start dating other people. Don't wait around for him to pull his head out of wherever it is stuck.

[D-Lish]

Island girl always gives the greatest advice.

 

At this point I would stop contacting him. For whatever reason, he has chosen to withdraw. I suspect that he found himself getting too close to you the last time you guys were together and got freaked out.

 

Same thing happened to me. I was seeing someone- things were going amazing, then the topic of spending the holidays together came up- and he shut down after that. I broke up with him and stopped talking to him, but he is back to being persistent again.

 

I think it's pretty important to cut the contact. He doesn't deserve your focus or attention. Any further attempts to reach out will only come off as looking needy or desperate.

 

If you take a stand and back away, you're showing him you respect yourself.

 

I have always struggled with listening to someone's words as opposed to their actions. Many people will tell you to observe actions- but I now feel that words have more meaning from men. My ex told me when we met he wasn't looking for anything serious. Then, he went and got all intimate, affectionate, loving, wanted to see me all the time! I started paying attention to those actions, then got screwed in the end. What excuse came out of the break up? That he had told me on the first date he wasn't looking for anything serious. I guess that disclaimer is supposed to let him off the hook.

 

It's going to be hard, but let him be. He obviously has a lot to work through. Believe me when I tell you that you don't want to date this man while he is working through his unresolved issues.

 

You deserve to be with someone and have their full attention. You deserve so much more than this guy is capable of giving you right now.

 

Hugs to you. I feel your pain- I actually took off and went to Florida alone for the holidays because I was upset about my break up. Now? a month later- I think he's a douchebag, and he is contacting me citing regret. I won't go back.

 

He got too close the last time he was with you. He associates "close" with pain. His divorce is his reference for how love can screw him over. He's not ready yet.

[KikiW]

All in favor of Island Girl getting an advice column that leads to a nationally syndicated talk show?

 

*raises hand*

 

When this happens, I only ask for 15% royalties.

[Asami]

Something is up and whatever it is short of him being in a coma in the hospital he needs to be in the dog house.

 

The dog house means he gets NC from you and it is his responsibility to make reparations. That means HE has to contact you and boy does he have a lot of explaining to do - and he has to back those words up with actions.

 

If he doesn't contact right away I'd start working on replacing him.

 

At this point he has completely checked out of the relationship.

 

Calls from you may eventually get a response but it makes you appear desperate and needy which is not respectable. So you will be devaluing yourself by doing that.

 

He knows he has scaled back the conversations. He knows he did not spend his birthday with you. He was out somewhere during the weekend - so he made time to get ready, get there, and have fun doing whatever it was - but he couldn't call you?!! Uh uh. That should be enough to set your jaw and draw the line.

 

He has been mistreating you and you have been chasing after him to ask him why.

 

Apparently he is not mature enough to let you know what is going on and instead is avoiding you and has put you on a shelf so to speak.

 

You deserve better. You shouldn't allow yourself to be put on the back burner when I am quite sure you have a lot to offer.

 

Stop calling him. I know it seems tough but you have to regain your self respect.

 

It is his move to contact you, apologize, give you a full run down of what happened, and a plan about how he is going to regain your trust and reestablish a relationship with you.

 

Until that happens I'd start dating other people. Don't wait around for him to pull his head out of wherever it is stuck.

 

Island girl and d-lish, thank you so much for taking the to read this, you guys have some very valid points. I have not called him since that Monday afternoon and I have not heard from him since. I am really hurt about the whole thing since I have been nothing but good to him, but I'll be okay..

[D-Lish]

Island girl and d-lish, thank you so much for taking the to read this, you guys have some very valid points. I have not called him since that Monday afternoon and I have not heard from him since. I am really hurt about the whole thing since I have been nothing but good to him, but I'll be okay..

 

I know you'll be okay. Everyone has had this kind of thing happen before! Over the years I have been duped a few times by guys that have pulled this sort of behaviour.

 

I think it's obvious he isn't ready to face anything that resembles a commitment right now. As soon as he recognized the possibility of being vulnerable, he bolted.

 

His issues have nothing to do with you. He's not even in the right frame of mind to accept a good woman into his life.

 

In my experience, these guys always come back at some point. Sometimes it's a short time later, sometimes it's months later. However, if the've pulled the disappearing act once- they will almost certainly do it again!

 

It's been about a month since I left my guy. It was really hard at first- but I feel so much better now. You will feel better too. I don't get that sick feeling in my stomache when he contacts me anymore- I just feel indifference.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Hold strong to the NC.

[Island Girl]

Island girl and d-lish, thank you so much for taking the to read this, you guys have some very valid points. I have not called him since that Monday afternoon and I have not heard from him since. I am really hurt about the whole thing since I have been nothing but good to him, but I'll be okay..

 

 

First -- thank you to KikiW and D-lish. You guys made my day with the compliments -- and I had a very, very hard day.

 

KikiW - if you can find a place for it I'd love to do a column. And I am looking for a job right now...lol

 

Asami -

 

You will be fine. I know this guy probably showed a lot of good qualities. But unfortunately they were a facade.

His true self is someone who could casually disregard someone who has invested in him emotionally and is completely innocent.

That spells BIG trouble.

 

You now are doing the best thing you can do which is taking care of YOU and putting yourself first.

 

I hope you are telling yourself over and over "this is HIS problem. Not mine. This has to do with HIS inadequacies. Not mine."

 

Because the danger is internalizing it and saying in some form "what is wrong with me?! Why would he do this?!"

 

But there is NOTHING wrong with you.

 

As D-lish said - he has major issues. They are not issues you can help him resolve either.

 

Just ask this question. If he can treat you so badly with absolutely no reason at all, how would he behave if he felt he HAD a reason to be angry? How would he treat you during a disagreement?

 

My guess is he could be really cruel and vindictive. Possibly abusive.

 

You are just seeing the shades of gray right now. Scary, right?

 

Remember that courtship is when people put their BEST face forward. If this is his best just imagine...

 

And YES you deserve better. You bolded that statement and that is absolutely true. You have done NOTHING to deserve the cold - coldest - shoulder that he is giving you.

 

People treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Now that he has shown you some of his true colors (and that black part of his heart) you have a reason to push him and thoughts of him aside.

[D-Lish]

First -- thank you to KikiW and D-lish. You guys made my day with the compliments -- and I had a very, very hard day.

 

KikiW - if you can find a place for it I'd love to do a column. And I am looking for a job right now...lol

 

 

Well you deserve the praise! You do have great advice and insight!

Sorry you had a bad day.

 

I just know from having dated guys like this in the past that they can really do a number on your self esteem. As Island Girl pointed out, it's really important to embrace that it's him with the problem, not you.

 

What kills me is that they'll tell you they don't want anything serious, yet go on to proceed as if they do. When they pull the plug after you've responded to those green light actions, they fall back on the disclaimer "hey, I told you I didn't want to get involved..." That's convenient isn't it?

 

I just went through the same BS as you, and I understand how confused and shocked it can leave you. I know it's not me, I know it's him. It really helps to embrace that.

 

It's been about a month for me, and I am over him. You will get over this guy too.

 

I concur that what you saw was a facade. It's natural to look back and cling to the small moments of intimacy and fun times... But, he showed you who he really is when he bolted without explanation.

[Asami]

First -- thank you to KikiW and D-lish. You guys made my day with the compliments -- and I had a very, very hard day.

 

KikiW - if you can find a place for it I'd love to do a column. And I am looking for a job right now...lol

 

Asami -

 

You will be fine. I know this guy probably showed a lot of good qualities. But unfortunately they were a facade.

His true self is someone who could casually disregard someone who has invested in him emotionally and is completely innocent.

That spells BIG trouble.

 

You now are doing the best thing you can do which is taking care of YOU and putting yourself first.

 

I hope you are telling yourself over and over "this is HIS problem. Not mine. This has to do with HIS inadequacies. Not mine."

 

Because the danger is internalizing it and saying in some form "what is wrong with me?! Why would he do this?!"

 

But there is NOTHING wrong with you.

 

As D-lish said - he has major issues. They are not issues you can help him resolve either.

 

Just ask this question. If he can treat you so badly with absolutely no reason at all, how would he behave if he felt he HAD a reason to be angry? How would he treat you during a disagreement?

 

My guess is he could be really cruel and vindictive. Possibly abusive.

 

You are just seeing the shades of gray right now. Scary, right?

 

Remember that courtship is when people put their BEST face forward. If this is his best just imagine...

 

And YES you deserve better. You bolded that statement and that is absolutely true. You have done NOTHING to deserve the cold - coldest - shoulder that he is giving you.

 

People treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Now that he has shown you some of his true colors (and that black part of his heart) you have a reason to push him and thoughts of him aside.

 

Island girl Dlish,

I'm sorry I didn't even check back on the responses! first before I give you guys an update, let me say that you've said everything that I have been thinking, I'm not going to lie for a bit, and somethimes I think what did I do wrong? why did he do this to me? let me tell you NC has been hard I did break NC the day before yesterday to let him know not to contact me ever and I mailed the few article of clothing he did leave at my house yesterday. To be honest, what he did and his reaction scared me and It reminded me of my relationship with my ex husband who was emotionally abusive towards me to bordline physical..sometimes I feel like what is it about me that attracts these type of men? anyway here's the update, he contacted me that thursday afternoon almost going on the next weekend..

 

me: I tried to contact you since saturday without a response, why did you do that? you made me feel like some beggar of some sort, why couldn't you answer my phone calls? why did you feel the need to ignore me? last month you could have just said that you already had plans

 

him: girl,OMG noboby's ignoring you( to me I felt like he was trying to make it seem like it's all in my head)

 

me: that was unacceptable, rude and uncalled for since I did nothing to you..I have been nothing but good to you

 

him: yeawell, that was rude I apologise and I don't really apologise so...

 

his response made me I couldn't believe it. I t was like you bump into someone, and they "sorry". I couldn't understand what made him suddenly so nasty mean, hateful and spiteful...it really sent shivers up my spine that he can be so cold, and then a few days after that, he spoke to me as though NOTHING had happened and that was after I contacted him for his address! to which he replied don't send me a bomb in the mail..he has not contacted me since he sent me an email saying something along the lines of he told me when we first met he told me he would not be speaking to me everyday( not true) since we spoke everyday! and how sometimes he dosen't feel like being bothered or he's busy and me calling him and texting after isn't going to make a difference...IDK I'm glad to send his clothing to him via mail though. I have deleted him from my electronic contacts and phone as well...Also, I am getting a sickening feeling that my co-worker knew what kind of person he was because he mentioned to another co-worker that he was a "dog".(this was prior to the incedent happening) This person who told me no longer works there, and they only told me about it..after I mentioned what happened with no details I feel like the laughing stock at work...and I didn't give this guyor the co worker the satisifaction of what i know either..sorry this is so long thank you for listening...

[Asami]

Well you deserve the praise! You do have great advice and insight!

Sorry you had a bad day.

 

I just know from having dated guys like this in the past that they can really do a number on your self esteem. As Island Girl pointed out, it's really important to embrace that it's him with the problem, not you.

 

What kills me is that they'll tell you they don't want anything serious, yet go on to proceed as if they do. When they pull the plug after you've responded to those green light actions, they fall back on the disclaimer "hey, I told you I didn't want to get involved..." That's convenient isn't it?

 

I just went through the same BS as you, and I understand how confused and shocked it can leave you. I know it's not me, I know it's him. It really helps to embrace that.

 

It's been about a month for me, and I am over him. You will get over this guy too.

 

I concur that what you saw was a facade. It's natural to look back and cling to the small moments of intimacy and fun times... But, he showed you who he really is when he bolted without explanation.

 

Dlish, I agree on all those points, Island girl is awesome and yourself as well, this community is really great! it nice to know I have somewhere to go as I have no one to talk to really ..and I agree on what you said, now thinking back on this, he has been playing mind games with me you guys are right, he knew exactly what he was doing...I just can't believe he went from nice to this nasty..

[D-Lish]

Dlish, I agree on all those points, Island girl is awesome and yourself as well, this community is really great! it nice to know I have somewhere to go as I have no one to talk to really ..and I agree on what you said, now thinking back on this, he has been playing mind games with me you guys are right, he knew exactly what he was doing...I just can't believe he went from nice to this nasty..

 

People do that...and it sucks,

Are you alright? How are you doing?

[Island Girl]

I am sorry he has become another one to forget about for your sake. But he's the moron loser who misses out.

 

I am so glad you now get yourself ready to meet someone GREAT.

 

There are bad guys out there just like there are bad girls (I used to be one).

 

People are sometimes just really messed up.

[Asami]

People do that...and it sucks,

Are you alright? How are you doing?

 

I was doing okay until I recieved his response this morning after breaking NC a few days ago...

 

Hello Asami,

Yes, I can not dispute the fact that you have tried numerous time to contact me and I have not made the attempt to reciprocate. With that being said, I'm a freakin dirtbag and I know it. Just so you know, I will be in your town probably tomorrow and probably should stop by and drop off a few things that you should have back that you gave me. I will give you a call or something to let you know when I'm there so we can coordinate the drop off. I just want to let you know I appreciate you as a person and apologize for not keeping my portion of the friendship. Hope all is well with you.

 

This really sucks!!

[Island Girl]

I was doing okay until I recieved his response this morning after breaking NC a few days ago...

 

Hello Asami,

Yes, I can not dispute the fact that you have tried numerous time to contact me and I have not made the attempt to reciprocate. With that being said, I'm a freakin dirtbag and I know it. Just so you know, I will be in your town probably tomorrow and probably should stop by and drop off a few things that you should have back that you gave me. I will give you a call or something to let you know when I'm there so we can coordinate the drop off. I just want to let you know I appreciate you as a person and apologize for not keeping my portion of the friendship. Hope all is well with you.

 

This really sucks!!

 

If it were me I'd use it as an opportunity to look fabulous and meet up with him without a care in the world.

 

I'd make it short and be really smiley -- translating into "I really do not care about you - you have proved yourself worthless".

Make the exchange and then "I've got to go! See you around! :D"

 

If he tries to make conversation just listen to him and then say, "well good luck with that" or some kind of flippant "I don't know why you are telling me this like I care" and have a look on your face of kind of a cross between bewilderment and amusement - no matter what it is.

 

I wouldn't give him your address just because this guy needs a good kick in the scrotum. A personal appearance will get him as good as he can be gotten. Especially since his flippant no accountability attitude leads me to believe he has got a pretty big ego.

[Asami]

If it were me I'd use it as an opportunity to look fabulous and meet up with him without a care in the world.

 

I'd make it short and be really smiley -- translating into "I really do not care about you - you have proved yourself worthless".

Make the exchange and then "I've got to go! See you around! :D"

 

If he tries to make conversation just listen to him and then say, "well good luck with that" or some kind of flippant "I don't know why you are telling me this like I care" and have a look on your face of kind of a cross between bewilderment and amusement - no matter what it is.

 

I wouldn't give him your address just because this guy needs a good kick in the scrotum. A personal appearance will get him as good as he can be gotten. Especially since his flippant no accountability attitude leads me to believe he has got a pretty big ego.

 

I have been thinking about this and I'm really thinking about just telling him to donate my "stuff" to good will...just so I don't see him at all, this has been very difficult for me from an emotional standpoint...I'm having a hard time dealing with the jeykll and hyde personality thing...I'll let you guys know what happens..

[Island Girl]

That works too.

 

That is a good kick in the pants for him.

 

Just message him and say whatever you have of mine I don't need back. Just give it to good will or throw it away, your choice.

 

End of story.

 

I am sorry this has been so hard on you. It totally sucks but at least you aren't wasting any more time on a person like him.

[Asami]

If it were me I'd use it as an opportunity to look fabulous and meet up with him without a care in the world.

 

I'd make it short and be really smiley -- translating into "I really do not care about you - you have proved yourself worthless".

Make the exchange and then "I've got to go! See you around! :D"

 

If he tries to make conversation just listen to him and then say, "well good luck with that" or some kind of flippant "I don't know why you are telling me this like I care" and have a look on your face of kind of a cross between bewilderment and amusement - no matter what it is.

 

I wouldn't give him your address just because this guy needs a good kick in the scrotum. A personal appearance will get him as good as he can be gotten. Especially since his flippant no accountability attitude leads me to believe he has got a pretty big ego.

 

He knows where I live since he spent time with me at my apartment:o and to make things worse I am probably going to have a meet him to get my key back ...forgot about that sigh..but again Island girl, you are dead on since my sister thinks he's a misogynist,egotistical jerk..I had to email him to get a time he's supposed to be in town so I can meet him somewhere, I can't wait to get this over with so I can begin no contact.

[Asami]

That works too.

 

That is a good kick in the pants for him.

 

Just message him and say whatever you have of mine I don't need back. Just give it to good will or throw it away, your choice.

 

End of story.

 

I am sorry this has been so hard on you. It totally sucks but at least you aren't wasting any more time on a person like him.

 

I just wanted to give an update. I contacted him and told him to give my co-worker the keys. He did and I received them when i returned to work. I have noot had any contact with him since..

[Island Girl]

I am glad you are moving on. You sound better and having that source of angst gone from your life must be a great relief.

 

Good luck to you.