2sure Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Their divorce is pending (supposedly), but what pending divorce has a status court date in 3 months? Does that mean it's on hold for reconciliation? and but I want her to find out because he's been living a lie to her for 22 years and I'm sure life with him is hell on earth.... Its pretty clear from the first quote that you have your doubts yourself that his divorce is even in the works...I mean, you would KNOW if it was - if you dont KNOW , it isnt happening. Divorce proceedings come with lots of paperwork at the very least. Most states also have a requirement of separate residences for a length of time before the D is granted. Does he have his own place or not? If life with him must have been hell on earth for his wife...why do you want him? Who does that to another person, make life hell on earth, for 22 years? And who puts up with it that long? Really, its been that bad...he must tell you how awful it is, then go home? You believe him? Like you do about the "pending" divorce?
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I don't think that this is splitting hairs: Oh don't sound so disappointed in me. Yes, talking. I'm sure some would split hairs or say I'm splitting hairs, but the affair is over. Told him I'd only see him again if he ends his marriage. But yes, I do talk to him on the phone if he calls. But I do think this is: All that's different now, and it feels something of a relief. She knows he's a cheater. So if she chooses to stay with him now, I feel less guilty about talking to him. Mr. Lucky
frannie Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I am disappointed. I was really happy for you whn you ended it. Why? Why Frannie? and you are really kidding yourself by assuaging your guilt saying she knows he cheated so you don't feel guilt. No Frannie she thinks he's a former cheater who finally reccommited to his marriage. You will compare evry man to this lying loser if you kep talking to him but hy you could gt lucky and she'll find out and you'll get your prince. Well I've talked a little about it in passing on other threads, but the gist of re-contact: when in NC I was also in group and IC, and my counsellor pointed out that I was still hoping to 'get my prince', as you put it. I realised that despite myself, she was correct. After one too many glasses of wine I 'decided' (if you can call it that) to call him and get a dose of reality, or something. I can't say exactly what the hell I thought I was doing. All I knew is I had to kill off this monster HOPE that, despite NC, was dragging me down and preventing my healing/moving on. Other people may have done it differently, but this is what I did. I don't attempt to assuage my guilt by any means, I merely commented that since d-day, knowing that she knows what went on feels better for me in terms of my personal guilt. I don't like deception, and part of her knowing is that I feel less ****ty about what was/is happening to the woman. I wrote that within the context of the OP's question. I do feel that if the BS knows about the affair it will potentially ease the guilt of an OW. Not all, admittedly, and I'm not saying it's 'right', but its a fact. So sue me. I don't know what she thinks of what he's doing. She has written to me a few times, but she didn't have a lot to say about him, strangely enough I was the evil whatsit who upset her marriage. If she chooses to think that way I'm not going to argue. She knows more than she ever did, and I feel better about it - that's information the OP might like to know (to stay on topic). If he chooses to keep talking to me after d-day, that's on him. And if she chooses to take back a known cheater, that's on her. I'll accept all that's on me, and I'm my own worst critic. As for 'getting my prince'; my main reason for contacting him again, and the whole precipitated d-day, was to get rid of the hope. It happened in a way I wasn't expecting, but the result is the same: I no longer look forward to a future with him. I don't want it. My feelings for him have changed, which is something I prayed for for a long time, but now it's happened I'm actually quite sad for something lost. But there it is. That's what five years of being yanked around does to you. Eventually, you get over it and want a different future for yourself. NC worked for me, and now LC is working for me. IF she found out and decided to throw him out it wouldn't change my life significantly any longer. Sorry if all this offends or upsets people, but it's the truth, or my truth, of my story, and was offered to help the OP, not to thread-jack. If I'd wanted advice on my situation I'd have posted a thread oh, ETA: as you said you were happy for me when I'd 'ended it'. Yes, I might have ended it in the sense of not seeing him, but I wasn't done, not in the way I feel now. I might be still in contact with him, but in my heart, the hope is gone, and I'm completely ambivalent or... well, I don't really think anything about him leaving. It's a non-subject, non-question for me. So you could say that it's really 'ended' now. NC isn't an end, often, its just more agony. You only have to read a few threads of OW in NC to know that.
NoIDidn't Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Frannie, that guy isn't a prince, he's the frog. After posting on this site and all that other crap he put you through, he is still married and STILL cheating on her (just without the sex). I'm glad the hope has died on your end. Eventually the contact will too.
frannie Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Frannie, that guy isn't a prince, he's the frog. After posting on this site and all that other crap he put you through, he is still married and STILL cheating on her (just without the sex). I'm glad the hope has died on your end. Eventually the contact will too. YEP. That's what continued contact showed me. I suppose it's what I needed to see and experience. Thanks
overandout Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Oh don't sound so disappointed in me. Yes, talking. I'm sure some would split hairs or say I'm splitting hairs, but the affair is over. Told him I'd only see him again if he ends his marriage. But yes, I do talk to him on the phone if he calls. But the emotional affair is not over for you is it? Despite contacting him at home and forcing a D day he is remaining where he always wanted to be. You still want him and I think that contacting him at home when you were the one who broke NC was not a very nice thing to do. You "ended" the affair and as adults you should both have walked away. He did walk away and didn't bother contacting you, so out of some desperation and annoyance, after a few glasses of wine you contact him at the matrimonial home. I think you are hurt that after all these years he decided to stay married. The contact with the bs just prolongs your agony because of the intrusion into their lives. I hope you get over your obsession because your posts show that he is still very much in your thoughts despite what you say. A bit like the happy OW stance which no one really believed......
sadintexas Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 To the OP: As an OW we tend to think that when an A is over, the MM's life goes on as if nothing happened. This isn't true in most cases. The MM most likely did develop feelings for you and is hurting in his own way about the loss. They still have the issues in the M and within themselves that allowed the A in the first place. Don't feel you are alone in the pain of the ending of your A. In a way, we are the lucky ones. We can move on, change our lives, find new partners, and better ourselves without all of that. They still have to fix what's broken together (read the dynamics and problems of TWO people) and it's a harder road I think than it is for us. You don't know what the consequences of her finding out would be, but not only would you lose his trust, you could make your own situation worse by driving them together. It's rare that a reconciliation works, but it could be a LONG time before you found that out. Go read the betrayed spouse forum at surviving infidelity. A lot of people fight like h**l to save their marriage when someone else steps into it. It takes a lot of them a very long time to realize they didn't want their spouse anymore anyway. If you're doing this to try to accomplish a final break up of their marriage, it will most likely backfire on you and I say stay out of it. If you're doing this because you honestly feel that it's the best thing for all and you're ready to end this relationship with him and let them figure it out then I say do it. Only you know your true motives for doing it, just realize that once you do it, it can't be undone.
Confused4Now Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 If you're doing this to try to accomplish a final break up of their marriage, it will most likely backfire on you and I say stay out of it. If you're doing this because you honestly feel that it's the best thing for all and you're ready to end this relationship with him and let them figure it out then I say do it. Only you know your true motives for doing it, just realize that once you do it, it can't be undone. This is so true...I had my D-day a while back and even though my MW says she was okay with it. She always feels I took something away from her. So right now she's not with H or myself. She's just figuring out what she's going to do next....looking back I should have just walked away.
Mino Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 To the OP: As an OW we tend to think that when an A is over, the MM's life goes on as if nothing happened. This isn't true in most cases. The MM most likely did develop feelings for you and is hurting in his own way about the loss. They still have the issues in the M and within themselves that allowed the A in the first place. Don't feel you are alone in the pain of the ending of your A. In a way, we are the lucky ones. We can move on, change our lives, find new partners, and better ourselves without all of that. They still have to fix what's broken together (read the dynamics and problems of TWO people) and it's a harder road I think than it is for us. You don't know what the consequences of her finding out would be, but not only would you lose his trust, you could make your own situation worse by driving them together. It's rare that a reconciliation works, but it could be a LONG time before you found that out. Go read the betrayed spouse forum at surviving infidelity. A lot of people fight like h**l to save their marriage when someone else steps into it. It takes a lot of them a very long time to realize they didn't want their spouse anymore anyway. If you're doing this to try to accomplish a final break up of their marriage, it will most likely backfire on you and I say stay out of it. If you're doing this because you honestly feel that it's the best thing for all and you're ready to end this relationship with him and let them figure it out then I say do it. Only you know your true motives for doing it, just realize that once you do it, it can't be undone. Great Post , Tex! your so right, everyone will be in pain, but like you said, its really about the op motives, and cannot be undone...
KismetGirl Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I can't stop thinking about what would happen if MM's wife found out. Their divorce is pending (supposedly), but what pending divorce has a status court date in 3 months? Does that mean it's on hold for reconciliation? Either way, I just keep wishing she would find out about me. That way there would be no question on whether or not they should reconcile and everything would progress as it should be. And I also wonder... if he does dump me to stay with her and work it out, I might as well tell her anyway. What else have I got to lose? I might be doing her a favor by telling her. Why should he get to carry on living a normal happy relationship when here I am broken and damaged from his lies? Curious to hear everyone's opinions... Sometimes I wondered if I should tell my MM's wife about what he's been doing on and off with me four more than half the time they've been married, but at the end of the day, I don't see any positives from it other than my own selfish desire for revenge. I totally feel you on the whole "why should he get to carry on a happy life while Im miserable" thing. Ive been sitting here tonight staring at photos of him, his wife and his kids on facebook, jealous that she has him and his kids, that they SEEM so happy on the outside (though, obviously, something is missing if he's cheated on her with me so long) But at the end of the day, I don't think telling the spouse is normally a good idea. If he ends things with you to stay with her, let them have their happy life. Why ruin another woman's life who hasn't done anything to you? Lick your wounds and let them be if that's the case. At least one person can be happy. If he is going to leave her to be with you, you don't want it to be because she told him to go eff himself after finding out about an affair. This will most likely make him resent you anyway. I think the only instance in which it might be good to tell the W that her husband is cheating is he is one of those serial cheaters, who will jump from one woman to another. In my case, I'm the only person my MM has ever cheated on his wife with. If he left her to be with me I'd be overjoyed, but I don't see it happening, if anything because of his kids, and his wife isn't a bad woman so if she wants to live in blissful ignorance I guess I'll let her. It's their marriage....if they want to work on it that's their decision, not mine. I know some people out there will say that I've pushed myself into their marriage by having an affair with him, but really, even though his W has suspected on several occasions, its obviously not been enough for her to really make a stink about it. My opinion: stay out of it. If he leaves her to be with you, great. If he doesn't then leave it alone.
feelingused Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 [ Don't waste your time waiting on a man who is on the fence. True! I did -- I just broke off an 8 month relationship with a separated man. Things were good at first but then -- I felt his ambivalence and he started pulling away.....I ended it right then and there. No use waiting around while he figures out what he wants to do....he will respect you more (even if you are not together ) than if you sit around and be endlessly supportive when he is sure what he wants. Then you will be free to find a man that is completely free and able to give you the relationship you deserve!
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