stace79 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yet another sad story for you all: My boyfriend and I have dated off and on for nearly three years. We have lived together for one and a half. R started off on the wrong foot as he was not over his ex yet. We broke up over her, and after a very physically and mentally grueling tug of war (I ended up losing 30 pounds and in the hospital once), he "realized" I was the one he was supposed to be with. Against my better judgment (no surprise), I went back to him even though I'd had two dates with a very nice, very caring new guy. After these few years of loving my boyfriend to death, crying my eyes out over arguments, working extremely hard to compromise, etc., I have just come to think that maybe we aren't meant to be after all. Additionally, we have broken up at least half a dozen times since we've lived together (since Sept. 07), and he has on more than one occassion said he does NOT know that I'm the one for him or that he can see himself married to me. I got laid off in October 08, and we have been preparing for the fact that due to money I will have to move home with my parents (20 minutes away). We agreed up until the past week or two that the move would be good and that we'd take a break to figure out what both of us really want. Again, he said within the past month that he thought the odds of us getting back together were 25% or less. I sort of agreed. Now that I am actually packing and moving stuff out, he has done a 180 and said that he loves me and will do anything to get me to stay. He wants to go to counseling. He is allergic to dogs, and so I had left my dog with my parents -- before he said he would be okay with the dog here but not bringing him upstairs b/c of the allergies. Now he says I can have the dog AND bring him upstairs. He keeps saying I am his teammate and he wants me in his life. He even brought up the idea of a more serious commitment which I took to mean engagement. Ugh but anyway, I still feel like I have to move for monetary reasons, and I am just afraid we are not right for one another still. I also feel he's doing this because he is afraid of losing me and of a major life change. At the same time, I feel horrible for hurting him. He's crying often, telling me how much he loves me and how he will miss me. I just wish he would have stuck with "our plan" of taking a break and seeing how things go. I wanted this to be mutual because we both care about each other. I guess I am not going to get that though. I wish he could look beyond the high emotions and see that we are doing what we had planned and that minus the emotions it is a smart decision and by no means permanent if we do in fact decide we really and truly love each other. Any thoughts or support would be much appreciated.
awesomeallalone Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I was in a situation much like this one.... my one regret was not being the one to break it off... instead i felt that we would eventually work it out.... against my gut feeling and better judgement.... i allowed it to continue even when we were both clearly not happy anymore.... so i say stick with your gut feeling if you think you need a break to figure out what you really want then do it and he will just have to understand.... if not you might be sitting here in pain like me
Author stace79 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I was in a situation much like this one.... my one regret was not being the one to break it off... instead i felt that we would eventually work it out.... against my gut feeling and better judgement.... i allowed it to continue even when we were both clearly not happy anymore.... so i say stick with your gut feeling if you think you need a break to figure out what you really want then do it and he will just have to understand.... if not you might be sitting here in pain like me That is what I tell him... wouldn't it be awful if I stayed here because we are afraid of change or being allone, and then 20 years down the road we are married and still miserable and we've wasted our lives being unhappy? I am still planning on moving next week. It is just so hard knowing that I am hurting him. Like now he is downstairs watching TV upset.. he wanted to be alone so I left him alone. I guess I am just having to accept that the situation sucks no matter how you slice it and just live with it.
awesomeallalone Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yeah no matter what its going to suck for both of you because obviously you still care and so does he but i think its better to end it and get on with it.... or else it just turns into this loooong goodbye and it just gets harder and harder to walk away... sadly sometimes love just isnt enough... and although hes upset right now he must feel deep down that this is what needs to happen and is just scared.... i know i was super scared...
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Additionally, we have broken up at least half a dozen times since we've lived together (since Sept. 07), and he has on more than one occassion said he does NOT know that I'm the one for him or that he can see himself married to me. Why did you two break up all those times? Was it him breaking up with you? I am assuming so, since you cried your eyes out a lot of the relationship. And why on more than one occassion did he tell you that you were not the one? Either he felt it, or he was being mentally & emotionally abusive, to try to control you and hurt you. Bring you down to his level. So while he had you there, it sounds like he did not treat you that well and took you for granted. But now that you are actually mustering up the strength to follow thru and leave the relationship, he suddenly does an about face? Again, I would start to question his "word" and his sincerity. How do you go from so many times telling you he does't know if he wants to be with you or know if you're the one, to suddenly knowing you are, just because you've finally gotten strong enough to follow thru on his words that he doesn't know if you're the one? He's speaking out of desperation at the moment. You have to leave. This guy needs to work on himself. He needs to get healthy mentally and emotionally before he can have a healthy relationship. He also needs to grow up a lot. He's still at the stage of playing games...at the expense of your heart and feelings. That will only drag you down. You must leave to save yourself right now. If in the future you get back together, it needs to be done under healthier pretences.
Author stace79 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Nature, I somewhat agree. I think he is wanting me to stay and saying all these things out of desperation. I don't think it is malicious. I think he is hurting and trying to stop it, even if what he is doing to stop it is manipulative. I agree with you that the break and me moving out would be good time for BOTH of us to work on ourselves. And as I told him, if when things are financially better for me we still feel in love, then we will know we are making the right decision, rather than a decision out of fear of change or abandonment. I just wish he could see past his emotions to understand what I am doing is the right thing, even though it hurts us. I hate hurting anyone!
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