lovely321 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 First of all let me say that my HB is a very nice man. He's caring and compassionate, always tells my I'm beautiful and is a good provider. He can also be selfish, naggy and bitchy. Sometimes I wonder if I married an old fishwife. He needs to have everything his way....whether is be the remote or hogging the bathroom. He has to control it all the time. The house always has to be in perfect order. He will clean it, even though we have a housekeeper (you wouldn't believe how hard I had to fight to get her!) and bitch about how he had to do it. He gets so stressed over simple chores. Don't get me wrong, I am a very clean person, but he is almost neurotic. So, we are financially stable have a great home, but I don't think I want to be with my HB anymore. Lately I have been feeling like I really miss the passion in my life and I used to have more fun when I was single. After a few years of marriage my life is about laundry and dishes and I can't stand it anymore. We have no fun. I beg and beg my HB to take me out. He is like a bump on a log and won't ever do anything. I feel guilty to go out and when I finally can't take it anymore and do, he refuses to come and stays home. He has no trouble hanging out with his own friends, but won't make the effort when it comes to me. I am so bored. Our sex life sucks and is virtually non existent. He witholds sex from me because he'd rather go to bed at a reasonable hour. He sucks in bed and has no idea how to please me. It's always the same old boring positions. Not sexy. I am tired of this ****ty domestic life....I want more. I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but I'm blue in the face. He doesn't take me seriously. We've been to marriage counselling and I sit there and tell all, while he charms the therapist, acting like nothing is wrong. I am at the point where I am so close to an affair. I need something to make me feel desired and I need to have fun again. I just don't want to lose my lifestyle and upset the stability of my home life and quite honestly I don't have the time. I don't think I have it in me to make such a huge change-the stress would kill me! I used to look at people and say "how can you settle" but now I get why. It's too hard to leave. I just don't want to look back at my life and wish I had lived it. At the same time stability is important to me. Is this really what marriage is, or is it only mine? I need to know if I am alone or if others are going through similar things. I can't talk to my friends or family about this. They would freak out because they think my HB is a saint. They don't live with him, so they only see the outside. Is all this petty? Maybe I am the selfish one? If I am the one being selfish, what should I do?
Reggie Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Look, you have a very viable option if this is unfixable- divorce. You cannot have it both ways, an affair and a marriage, at least not ethically. Here's what I hear from most betrayed husbands whose wives have similar complaints to yours: " I wish she had told me she was so unhappy that she was contemplating cheating." You may think you've made the urgency of this known to your H. But, unless you have actually told him about not just your dissatisfaction but also about how close you are to cheating, you are not acting honestly or responsibley. If this news does not motivate him, divorce. Then, despite a drop off in your lifestyle, which may be temporary, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you did everything you could and that you remained true to your vows. This cheating thing follows you through life whereas divorce does not, so much. Folks will disregard what may have been legitimate gripes you have about the deficiencies in your marriage and assume you were at fault, entirely. And, you would be as regards the breach of the fidelty. But, chaeting will aslo cast a lot of doubt on your role in causing most of the pre-A problems, as well. And, if you are a person that takes pride in her integrity, you will have lost a great deal of that,as well. Most betrayed spouse will tell you that while a spouse divorcing them is traumatic, it causes nowhere near the damage to t person as does betrayl. It sounds like you do not hate your H. So, please don't hurt him in one of the worst ways imagineable. You may be surprised by the extent of the damage this does to a betrayed spouse. It is not at all as we see portayed in movies, novels or on TV. This type of act is considered by most marital therapists as the worst form of emotional abuse to a spouse. Check out Willard Harley's vidoe onthe marriagebuilders site about this. It is a free 30 minute clip, right on the sight. It's good you are looking at this prospectively as you can avoid making a huge mistake. You have the other option.
Trimmer Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I am at the point where I am so close to an affair. I need something to make me feel desired and I need to have fun again. I just don't want to lose my lifestyle and upset the stability of my home life and quite honestly I don't have the time. I don't think I have it in me to make such a huge change-the stress would kill me! I used to look at people and say "how can you settle" but now I get why. It's too hard to leave. I just don't want to look back at my life and wish I had lived it. At the same time stability is important to me. To me, this paragraph stands out from your post. I get being bored, unfulfilled, etc. Heck, apparently it happened to my own wife (who is now my ex-wife...) But the things I get from this paragraph are that you like being comfortable and stable, and at the same time you have a drive to go out and "live life." Here's the problem with seeking out an affair as a solution: it's pretty likely that it won't solve either one. As far as stability and comfort go, yes, you will get to live in your house and benefit from what your husband provides, but you will be living in fear of discovery, paranoid that your every move might be scrutinized, that every ring of the phone could be him, his wife, your husband's co-worker or friend who happened to notice something odd... And right from the beginning, you will lie to cover it up, so you will have to remember the lies you tell, so you can weave a consistent web of deception to avoid being discovered. And even if you manage to juggle all this, you will still never escape the constant burden of knowing that with one slip, one twist of fate or chance, it will all come crashing down in grave pain for everyone involved, especially those who have been lied to and betrayed the most. Does that sound like the kind of comfort and stability that you seek? Now, as far as "living life" I could pretty much repeat that same whole story, emphasizing different points, the idea being that what you think will make you "alive" will have to be hidden, kept under wraps, covered with lies to your husband, family, and friends. You will learn to lie, perhaps getting pretty good at it. You won't be able to share it with almost anyone, and anyone you do risk sharing it with just adds to the risk of discovery, and may well react with repulsion and rejection anyway. Multiply that by the fact that your prospective partner may have a wife as well (which multiplies the deception, lies, and risk by 2 - God forbid she finds out...) and so if you do ultimately decide he is "the one" (there's no predicting this kind of thing, when emotions are running high,) you probably won't ever be able to fulfill that dream. On the other hand, if you seek out a single partner, intending to keep him at arms-length to preserve the "stability" of your home life, you will be always beholden to his keeping your secret. If he then falls harder for you, and you have to back away, beware the reaction of a lover spurned. Go look on the OM/OW board here and see if you don't find a number of people in that position wondering: Gee, should I reveal all? Do you really think you can thread that needle? Do you really believe it will all be under your control, once the ball is rolling, the lies are in place, and emotions are peaking? So, what is "living life," when it is done without honor, and the thing that you think makes you feel alive carries with it the ultimate shame, and has to be hidden to preserve your stability? And what is "stability," when you maintain it through the ultimate act of deception and betrayal, walking a bouncing tightrope that could shake, snap, or toss you off in the breeze at any moment?
Sands_of_time Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 First of all let me say that my HB is a very nice man. He's caring and compassionate, always tells my I'm beautiful and is a good provider. He can also be selfish, naggy and bitchy. Sometimes I wonder if I married an old fishwife. He needs to have everything his way....whether is be the remote or hogging the bathroom. He has to control it all the time. The house always has to be in perfect order. He will clean it, even though we have a housekeeper (you wouldn't believe how hard I had to fight to get her!) and bitch about how he had to do it. He gets so stressed over simple chores. Don't get me wrong, I am a very clean person, but he is almost neurotic. So, we are financially stable have a great home, but I don't think I want to be with my HB anymore. Lately I have been feeling like I really miss the passion in my life and I used to have more fun when I was single. After a few years of marriage my life is about laundry and dishes and I can't stand it anymore. We have no fun. I beg and beg my HB to take me out. He is like a bump on a log and won't ever do anything. I feel guilty to go out and when I finally can't take it anymore and do, he refuses to come and stays home. He has no trouble hanging out with his own friends, but won't make the effort when it comes to me. I am so bored. Our sex life sucks and is virtually non existent. He witholds sex from me because he'd rather go to bed at a reasonable hour. He sucks in bed and has no idea how to please me. It's always the same old boring positions. Not sexy. I am tired of this ****ty domestic life....I want more. I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but I'm blue in the face. He doesn't take me seriously. We've been to marriage counselling and I sit there and tell all, while he charms the therapist, acting like nothing is wrong. I am at the point where I am so close to an affair. I need something to make me feel desired and I need to have fun again. I just don't want to lose my lifestyle and upset the stability of my home life and quite honestly I don't have the time. I don't think I have it in me to make such a huge change-the stress would kill me! I used to look at people and say "how can you settle" but now I get why. It's too hard to leave. I just don't want to look back at my life and wish I had lived it. At the same time stability is important to me. Is this really what marriage is, or is it only mine? I need to know if I am alone or if others are going through similar things. I can't talk to my friends or family about this. They would freak out because they think my HB is a saint. They don't live with him, so they only see the outside. Is all this petty? Maybe I am the selfish one? If I am the one being selfish, what should I do? Lovely...take a step back for one second and step outside yourself if you can. Your hubby nags a bit, likes an ultra-clean home and hogs the bathroom. Not to knock you down a bit but...those things are not a big deal in the grand scheme of your life together. He has faults...what are yours? Please post your faults in this forum--would you? Just like the other poster said, tell him this: "you aren't giving me what I need." (you may even have to tell him 2 or 3 times but don't give up until you get through to him). That statment should be powerful enough to jolt him right out of his britches. But don't just say it once and expect perfect results. Work on him until you get through to him. The cheating path will be the worse path for you, your husband, your immediate family and if he finds out he may tell your employer and all your friends what a cheating wh*re you are. You'd be surprised at what cheating does to a betrayed spouse (BS). Please take the high road and be the woman he thinks you are. Marriage is work-I have faith you can do it!
65tr6 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Is this really what marriage is, or is it only mine? I need to know if I am alone or if others are going through similar things. Question for you 1) do you believe in fixing things on yourside first before you can ask your husband to do your part ? If not, start believing in that. I never believed much in MC anyway for that same reason. As a couple you both have more power to do than what an outsider can tell you. Whatever you do, DONT have an affair. You have no idea how damaging that can be to a marriage. Start by reading up on books. Example . His Needs Her Needs, 5 love languages etc. Talk to your husband and ask him if he can set aside one hour a day to talk to you on one-on-one basis. No TV, no distractions. Are you not doing that already given that you are in MC ? Are you meeting his needs ? Did you tell him about your needs ? Ask him what is that he would like you to see change or focus on ? There are questionarries that you can print off and fill out.
Author lovely321 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Thank you all for the great advice posts and for helping me to see from another perspective the devastation an affair will cause to my whole life. There's no way I could handle hurting my husband or my family that way. I really needed to hear what it would do to my life overall and I can see that it would totally wreck it. I do love my HB, but I think all these domestic issues have made me fall out of love with him. Gone are the days of feeling sexy and being courted-the replacement is laundry and nagging...great way to put out a flame. I have decided that I am going to go to therapy alone. I do need to talk to someone about all this who will not sit in judgement. I know I have flaws of my own, so if I start to focus on myself more maybe I can get my feelings in check to deal with my marriage troubles. I am also just going to start going out with my friends more, whether he decides to grace me with his presence or not. I refuse to waste away my life without fun. When I got married I stopped doing so many things that I love because I didn't want to leave him at home. I used to salsa dance 4 days a week before I met him. Dancing made me feel alive-it was truly my passion and I was very good at it. I really miss that part of my life and that has to change no matter what. I think I need to take more control over my happiness and accept the fact that he's likely not going to take me out. I will sit down with him yet AGAIN and tell him how I feel. I'm hoping to get some good advice from my therapist on how to best get through his thick skull. I am afraid if I tell him I was thinking of an affair he won't trust me anymore-even though I havn't done anything.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I think a bit of shock and awe is what would give the both of you proper perspective. You should clean out your belongings, get an apartment, and make a go of it on your own. This wake up call will give the both of you the dose of reality you need to understand what type of limitations you should accept in a marriage as well as giving him a feel of life without you. Somewhere in this experience you'll come to understand yourself better and just how hard it truly is to "live your life to the fullest" without the financial and emotional support of your husband while giving him a chance to re-evaluate what he really needs to hold onto unto himself and what petty nuances he needs to let go. If you are meant to be together then you'll rejoin in time but if not then at least you'll no longer have the opportunity to take each other for granted and the time of your life that you perceive to be so precious is no longer wasted!
Owl Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I'd also suggest that you consider marriage counseling as well as individual counseling. I know...you're about to tell me that he'll refuse to go. That's fine...then you need to INSIST that he go. Set a boundary...if you're already considering divorce/cheating...then tell him point blank that his options are either marriage counseling/and working on rebuilding the marriage, or you follow PP's advice above. Seperation, pending divorce. If you feel that strongly about all of this...don't be afraid to SHOW him that. Odds are, he's refusing to see that this is the state you're in. Let him see that. Let him know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt. He'll either realize what he's doing and work to change...or he won't. But YOU will have done all that you could to save the marriage, and can exit with your head held high for having done all the right things.
lkjh Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Try for marriage counseling instead of individual. Also, first see if you can get your H to take part in your hobbies. It hard to reconnect with someone when you live different lives. Talk to him and spell it out. Tell him you are not happy and the reasons why. Do not talk in code, say it plain and simple
Dexter Morgan Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Our sex life sucks and is virtually non existent. He witholds sex from me because he'd rather go to bed at a reasonable hour. He sucks in bed and has no idea how to please me. It's always the same old boring positions. Not sexy. You make it sound like all the effort here lies with him. Is he the only one that can move around during sex and change positions? Maybe he is thinking the same of you that you might be a cold fish. And to say he sucks at sex is to imply that you are fantastic. Rather conceited. I am tired of this ****ty domestic life....I want more. I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but I'm blue in the face. He doesn't take me seriously. We've been to marriage counselling and I sit there and tell all, while he charms the therapist, acting like nothing is wrong. I am at the point where I am so close to an affair. I need something to make me feel desired and I need to have fun again. Then get a divorce. I just don't want to lose my lifestyle and upset the stability of my home life and quite honestly I don't have the time. Well thats the real problem with cheaters isn't it? They would rather hurt someone else than be inconvenienced. I don't think I have it in me to make such a huge change-the stress would kill me! I used to look at people and say "how can you settle" but now I get why. It's too hard to leave. I just don't want to look back at my life and wish I had lived it. At the same time stability is important to me. Make a decision, sex with other men, or stability. Something tells me if this is your mindset, that you'd like to cheat, but are in the marriage only for comfort, that it says something about maybe why you aren't having sex now. I can't see someone being loving and caring with a mindset like that. Is this really what marriage is, or is it only mine? I need to know if I am alone or if others are going through similar things. I can't talk to my friends or family about this. They would freak out because they think my HB is a saint. They don't live with him, so they only see the outside. Is all this petty? Maybe I am the selfish one? If I am the one being selfish, what should I do? You should make a decision. Get him into counseling. If he refuses and nothing changes, then get a divorce. If you don't want to get a divorce so you can stay in a comfortable lifestyle, and go out and cheat, then all you will have become is a skank.
Sands_of_time Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 After a few years of marriage my life is about laundry and dishes and I can't stand it anymore. We have no fun. I beg and beg my HB to take me out. He is like a bump on a log and won't ever do anything. how to please me. It's always the same old boring positions. Not sexy. I am tired of this ****ty domestic life....I want more. Lovely..I have to say that after reading your post I thought you were talking about me and my wife. Our domestic/fun issues were almost identical to yours. This comes from a wise woman 30 years my senior and really put it all into perspective for me. I hope this helps you: Parable #1 (can bust out #2 if you need it): An old woman and old man lived together for 30 years and each of them had a cloth sack that they carried with them wherever they went. Each time they would get into an argument/squabble they agreed to put a small rock in their sack no matter who started or finished the argument. At the end of each month it was up to each one of them to dump their sack of rocks behind the house, never to be seen again. The husband, who had this habit of sneezing exactly three times a day (his wife thinks it's annoying and no person in their right mind sneezes exactly three times everyday) was diligent in dumping his sack of rocks at the end of each month. So, when next month came along he had room in his sack again. But his wife never bothered to dump her own sack. Overtime her bag became so heavy she couldn't carry it anymore. And pretty soon she stopped carrying the bag altogether because HER sack was too heavy. She finally divorced her husband and went to find a new sack/an empty sack/a lighter sack that she could carry. Finally, she was free of that old heavy sack! What she never realized is that she continued the same behavior with husband number 2 and all along it was because she never looked deep inside herself. She never realized that it was HER sack that was weighing her down. Your husband does have faults/annoyances--no doubt. Who cleans after the cleaning lady cleans? But look deep inside yourself and change YOUR outlook. It's not easy to look at yourself but have faith that you can do it.
LakesideDream Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Sands of Time, From the other "male" side I might have a couple of observations for you. I was married to a good gal for 25 years. We fought through all the problems on can in a marriage, raising two kids to adulthood, finances good and bad, the whole deal. I had habits she hated, she had hers I hated. The marriage ended when she needed "space, to find herself" which predictably was code for wanting to be with her long term affair partner (23 years off and on, unknown to me) who was her H.S. boyfriend. While we were married I tried to listen to her complaints and problems. I tried hard. I adjusted my life and lifestyle to accomodate her "issues" (hate that word), I believed the marriage was forever with the difficult times behind us and did what was possible to make it better. After D day she claimed I NEVER listened, or attempted to change behavior to accomodate her. I believe she was sincere in her belief. My efforts had been wasted because she was unable to hear, or see the results of those efforts. There are real perception differences between men and women. I am convinced that most women assume that a man, mate can anticipate emotions and problems. I believe they assume that their man can "read" them, and chooses not to. This is tantamount to a belief that your spouse can read your mind and chooses not to. Unless you honestly believe that your husband is ignoring you, I suggest you try harder. Maybe write things for him on paper (something I requested and never received). Don't leave the "terms" of the relationship open to discussion. If there are deal breakers for you let him know what they are in a way that cannot be ignored or misconstrued. My two cents.... Good Luck.
Sands_of_time Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Sands of Time, From the other "male" side I might have a couple of observations for you. I was married to a good gal for 25 years. We fought through all the problems on can in a marriage, raising two kids to adulthood, finances good and bad, the whole deal. I had habits she hated, she had hers I hated. The marriage ended when she needed "space, to find herself" which predictably was code for wanting to be with her long term affair partner (23 years off and on, unknown to me) who was her H.S. boyfriend. While we were married I tried to listen to her complaints and problems. I tried hard. I adjusted my life and lifestyle to accomodate her "issues" (hate that word), I believed the marriage was forever with the difficult times behind us and did what was possible to make it better. After D day she claimed I NEVER listened, or attempted to change behavior to accomodate her. I believe she was sincere in her belief. My efforts had been wasted because she was unable to hear, or see the results of those efforts. There are real perception differences between men and women. I am convinced that most women assume that a man, mate can anticipate emotions and problems. I believe they assume that their man can "read" them, and chooses not to. This is tantamount to a belief that your spouse can read your mind and chooses not to. Unless you honestly believe that your husband is ignoring you, I suggest you try harder. Maybe write things for him on paper (something I requested and never received). Don't leave the "terms" of the relationship open to discussion. If there are deal breakers for you let him know what they are in a way that cannot be ignored or misconstrued. My two cents.... Good Luck. Good points Lakeside. I can empathize with your situation in that the WS says how you never listened, tried to change...etc. That is gaslighting at it's best. After reading so many similar threads/therapy it seems that gaslighting is a standard coping mechanism for the WS. They committed a horrendous/torturous act by cheating and they know they did but they simply justify it by telling you about your faults. This might sound odd but the gaslighting helped me turn the first corner in recovery. It was about 40 days after D-DAY that I saw her face to face. She gaslit the h*ll out of me for 40 minutes. I was astounded at some of the things she was saying to me. I just listened though. I didn't yell back, scream or kick. Just listened. After she was done, I asked her, "Well what are your faults?" She stumbled a bit and spit out a few but for some reason the very next day I turned that first corner to recovery. I can still pinpoint it to that day. I can't put my finger on it but the bizarre way in which she told me about my faults/issues and things of that nature just told me that I didn't want to be with this woman and that I no longer respected her. And that was that. For me--done. December 11, 2008. 41 days after D-DAY. Don't mean to hijack this, but Lakeside do you feel that your marriage to your XW was a sham? I couldn't figure out why I felt that way but some of the research I've done shows it's fairly common for the BS to feel the relationship was a sham after being cheated. That stings like a son of a b*tch. It almost feels like there is a "hole in time" during the period we were together.
Reggie Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Sands, same for me. I lost all respect and love for my XW after having been gaslit and blamed. I could see her clearly for the first time, a pathetic creature, in love with only herself and incapable of taking any responsibilty for her actions, never mind apologizing. Now, I do realize my wife never loved me. So, the marriage was a sham. I was a good looking guy with a good income. That is all I meant to her. Once you are out for a while(been almost 3 years for me) , you will see how much more pleasant life is away from these abusive a-holes.
reddog63 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 First of all let me say that my HB is a very nice man. He's caring and compassionate, always tells my I'm beautiful and is a good provider. He can also be selfish, naggy and bitchy. Sometimes I wonder if I married an old fishwife. He needs to have everything his way....whether is be the remote or hogging the bathroom. He has to control it all the time. The house always has to be in perfect order. He will clean it, even though we have a housekeeper (you wouldn't believe how hard I had to fight to get her!) and bitch about how he had to do it. He gets so stressed over simple chores. Don't get me wrong, I am a very clean person, but he is almost neurotic. So, we are financially stable have a great home, but I don't think I want to be with my HB anymore. Lately I have been feeling like I really miss the passion in my life and I used to have more fun when I was single. After a few years of marriage my life is about laundry and dishes and I can't stand it anymore. We have no fun. I beg and beg my HB to take me out. He is like a bump on a log and won't ever do anything. I feel guilty to go out and when I finally can't take it anymore and do, he refuses to come and stays home. He has no trouble hanging out with his own friends, but won't make the effort when it comes to me. I am so bored. Our sex life sucks and is virtually non existent. He witholds sex from me because he'd rather go to bed at a reasonable hour. He sucks in bed and has no idea how to please me. It's always the same old boring positions. Not sexy. I am tired of this ****ty domestic life....I want more. I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but I'm blue in the face. He doesn't take me seriously. We've been to marriage counselling and I sit there and tell all, while he charms the therapist, acting like nothing is wrong. I am at the point where I am so close to an affair. I need something to make me feel desired and I need to have fun again. I just don't want to lose my lifestyle and upset the stability of my home life and quite honestly I don't have the time. I don't think I have it in me to make such a huge change-the stress would kill me! I used to look at people and say "how can you settle" but now I get why. It's too hard to leave. I just don't want to look back at my life and wish I had lived it. At the same time stability is important to me. Is this really what marriage is, or is it only mine? I need to know if I am alone or if others are going through similar things. I can't talk to my friends or family about this. They would freak out because they think my HB is a saint. They don't live with him, so they only see the outside. Is all this petty? Maybe I am the selfish one? If I am the one being selfish, what should I do? It is definately easier to have an affair. At least at first when it is fun and exciting. But it is much better to go for divorce first if you are that unhappy. The affair will turn into more headache then it is worth, they always do. You are not alone........ the divorce rate is at least 50%..........a large portion of the remainder are anywhere from miserable to not happy........a select few have that great marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'm trying to reconcile this: First of all let me say that my HB is a very nice man. He's caring and compassionate, always tells my I'm beautiful and is a good provider. with this: He can also be selfish, naggy and bitchy...He needs to have everything his way....whether is be the remote or hogging the bathroom. He has to control it all the time...He gets so stressed over simple chores. Don't get me wrong, I am a very clean person, but he is almost neurotic...He is like a bump on a log and won't ever do anything. I feel guilty to go out and when I finally can't take it anymore and do, he refuses to come and stays home. He has no trouble hanging out with his own friends, but won't make the effort when it comes to me...Our sex life sucks and is virtually non existent. He witholds sex from me because he'd rather go to bed at a reasonable hour. He sucks in bed and has no idea how to please me...He doesn't take me seriously. It's almost like you're describing two different people. As others have said, it would be interesting to hear his side of the story... Mr. Lucky
Sands_of_time Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sands, same for me. I lost all respect and love for my XW after having been gaslit and blamed. I could see her clearly for the first time, a pathetic creature, in love with only herself and incapable of taking any responsibilty for her actions, never mind apologizing. Now, I do realize my wife never loved me. So, the marriage was a sham. I was a good looking guy with a good income. That is all I meant to her. Once you are out for a while(been almost 3 years for me) , you will see how much more pleasant life is away from these abusive a-holes. Reggie--3 years-good for you. I noticed you said your marriage was a sham. Do you still feel that way today--after three years? I wholeheartedy feel that about my marriage (only 2.5 months after D-Day for me). There is this blackhole where my marriage used to exist and it's filled with dark, black matter. It was a sham. Terrible.
Reggie Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'm positive, sands. Once , in therapy, I told my counselor something my wife said to me after I disclosed i was feeling upset with the way she was treating my son, her stepson. She said" I don't care at all about what you feel." My therapist said "for once, she was telling you the truth." I know with certainty that my XW looked at me as a paycheck. Not once in 10 years of marriage did she tell me she loved me.
Sands_of_time Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'm positive, sands. Once , in therapy, I told my counselor something my wife said to me after I disclosed i was feeling upset with the way she was treating my son, her stepson. She said" I don't care at all about what you feel." My therapist said "for once, she was telling you the truth." I know with certainty that my XW looked at me as a paycheck. Not once in 10 years of marriage did she tell me she loved me. Wow-that's crazy. Did she have a problem expressing affection? Did she have a childhood issue that she didn't resolve? Or was she simply selfish?
Reggie Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 NPD or ASPD. Her family, after the discovery. came forward with lots of info re her past. HEr mom and dad have bothe told me she is a habitual liar and has no conscience. Some of the stuff I found out that was going on both before and after our marriage was incrdible. Mutiple stints as an OW, flasifying college transcripts so her folks would believe she was still enrolled in college when she had quit to shack up with a married guy. Stuff is min boggling. She came in a very good looking package, though. Once you are out and away from the abuse and craziness, you wonder how yoy took it so long. But, the disordered spin your reality and wear you down.
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