msjules Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 We were very good friends for four years and dated the fifth. He broke up with me in late September because he lost his job and wanted to work on getting another one and solving some other problems in his life. He said he desperately needed to remain friends with me. After several weeks of NC, I gave it (friendship) a try. I hoped beyond hope that after he got another job he would want to try again. Well, he still hasn't gotten a job, and he has been giving me mixed messages. He has wanted to talk about how great our sex life was. He has continued to tell me he loves me. He called and/or texted almost every day. He will not, however, see me in person because he is afraid we would end up in bed because neither of us has resolved our feelings for the other. (Whatever.) Last week I asked him if there was any chance that we might ever reconcile. He got very irritated with me and said "no", in no uncertain terms. It is just too hard for me to be friends with him, it hurts too much as he is not the person I fell in love with. Not having a job has turned him into an @$$hole and to be honest, if I can't have what I want (my relationship with him back), then he can't have what he wants (to be "friends" and to keep stringing me along). I told him I couldn't do the friends thing anymore. He begged me to give it 30 days and see how I felt then. I agreed to do so but now I am not so sure. My question to you, dear readers is this: I want to go completely NC and never speak to him again. I want him to hurt 1/10 of what I hurt. I know in my heart that I cannot do this friendship thing. Should I let him know now, in 30 days, or just do NC and never talk to him again? Your thoughts are much appreciated.
cabarc1 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Let him go NOW!!!! Do not wait!! Don't give him what HE wants!!! Be firm with him. And if he tries to get back with you, make him suffer for a little while and don't give in right away, or at all!! Sorry, but he sounds like an A$$ who is stringing you along!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I think you are 100% justified in what you want to do, and should pursue it. My epihpany this am might help you. You have stepped off of planet "it's all about him" and onto planet "it's all about you." Who cares wha the says he needs? He no longer has the right to expect you to meet his needs - just like he appears to feel not responsibility to meet yours. Go NC heal thyself!
Author msjules Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Okay, my plan is to go NC (again). But I KNOW myself. I am way too nice and although I need to make this about me, I am so in the habit of meeting his needs that I just know I will get in touch with him eventually. Like I said, though, I want him to HURT. His father died when when he was very young and because of that he has real problems with loss. This has been helpful. Give me pep talks, peeps. I want to be a cold @$$ b***h and never speak to him again. I really need help. There is a part of me that wants to unload on him, but I know it will be more devastating (and will help me maintain my dignity) if I just go cold and do the NC thing. I love this place. For those of you who have a hard time with NC, for those of you who think you can be friends with an ex, LISTEN to the folks around here who tell you it can't be done, that NC is the only way to go because it truly is. Now if I can only get myself to believe it.
cabarc1 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yeah everytime i get down, i just come on here and read some posts and feel better. Yeah you have to be strong, because right now it seems like he is only thinking about himself and not at all about what you want or need. I know what you mean about wanting to just unleash on them and tell them off, i've wanted to sooooo bad but just stay nice because trust me, you will feel way worse. I've gone almost 4 weeks NC, since the last time, which he broke. It really is the best thing to do, there are so many options, but this really is the best. It really will drive them crazy!
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 i'd have to say something to him now, because it would irritate me to no end, that for the next month he'll still think that you're going to be in his life as his friend. ASAP, I'd resort to an email to him, so as not to open a dialogue or even give him a voice in your decision. I'd be polite and matter of fact, and simply say: "I've thought at great length about the relationship we had, as well as the possibility for us to continue with a friendship. In considering my needs and happiness, I feel that you have a great deal of work to do on yourself before you can meet my needs as even a friend. Currently, you are unemployed, spinning your wheels, and not giving off a 'vibe" that I enjoy being around. The negative energy that eminates from you at this time, does not appeal to me, even as a friend. I apologize if this hurts your feelings, but I do think I need more in my life from both my friends, and a boyfriend in the future. I do wish you the best, and sincerely hope you can make some positive changes for yourself in the future. I hope you do not take my words in a bad way, and know that I mean no harm to you." Twist the whole situation around on the arrogant f*cker, so it looks like you are dumping his sorry a**!!!!!
Author msjules Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I love that idea. Love it. And I agree, it chaps me to think that he still thinks he has one over on me and he will continue to think that for three more weeks. It will have been a week since I went NC tomorrow night. This is why I came here to get some advice. Both the NC idea and yours are great ones. I am still weighing my options. My best friend said that in the short run the immediate email is a great idea, but if I go NC forever and ever, that will ultimately freak him out more. I am a very nice person, I am in the helping profession for God's sake, and yet I want MAXIMUM PAIN for him right now. That is tough for me to admit, but it's what I want and it's what I'm angling for. As much as I love the idea of hurting him now, I can just imagine how hurt he will be in three weeks as he looks at his cell phone and his email (much as I have done for the past four months) waiting for word from me that will never come. I will have to be strong, because I KNOW that he is going to contact me again. It is hard to come down like this on someone who is going through such a rough time. I may or may not take your advice, but what you say in the "potential email" is so very true and gives me a lot to think about. Thank you very much for responding.
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Speaking the truth, is not coming down hard on him. What he has done to you, is coming down hard on someone. And right now, you do not want to be pushed to the bottom of the totem pole, into "friends" position. Speak from the heart, and you can do no wrong. then go in to NC so he knows you mean business. This is obviously hurting you a great deal, and until he truly appreciates your kindness and love, he does not deserve it. Not even as a "friend" as he says. Save your love and kindness for others for now. He will just bring you down right now. Over and over. Selling yourself short is not being loving and kind to yourself. And if you don't look out for yourself, then you can't healthily look out for others. Don't make somebody a priority, who sees you as an option.
Author msjules Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 No, I do not want to be friends. Well, actually it would be nice if we could one day return to the place we were before we messed it all up, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I miss him as my lover and I miss him as my friend. I have found myself bargaining with myself today.....telling myself that maybe I CAN do this friend thing, maybe if we just didn't talk about our past relationship, maybe if I could talk him into having lunch with me like we always used to do as friends, maybe we could get the friendship back on track. Then I get furious with myself. All he has done is take, take, take, and all I have done is give, give, give. How can I be so stupid? It is very disheartening, this roller coaster ride I am on. I feel as though I am losing my mind, and he is NOT WORTH IT. It makes me incredibly sad to think of life without him in it at all. I could make the sadness go away if I just tried a little harder to be friends. Maybe. Probably not. At least I don't have the urge to call him or email him or text him or send him smoke signals or anything else right now. I have that going for me. I hate this.
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