Peter_pan Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Hey guys n gals, was recently going down memory lane and i know thats a bad bad idea but i did, anyway... For some reason i feel like i am searching the ex's approval, its like she meant so much to me and what she said i felt was correct and the right thing, we always made decisions together and i am missing that security i guess. I feel like i seek validation from her and feel like i wont get it with anyone else. is this a good or a bad thing? at times i guess it felt like she was being controlling like a mum. but i appreciated her decisions and realise how independant she was being of me at the time, like buying cook books and cooking me new meals. i cant lie and say i dont miss her. its still an uphill struggle no matter how much beer or whatever you have going. sigh
Surfer Dude Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I will provide you with a link to my other post about the whole grief thing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2008714&postcount=21 There are so many great women out there with whom your could experience amazing connections. Why not give them a chance? My good friend always says "once you sleep with 10 new women, you won't even remember your ex's name!" Not saying you need to sleep with 10 women, but I hope you get the idea. Don't do this sh*t to yourself all over again.
Author Peter_pan Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 good reply there matey, im sure your right, but i dont feel like im the type of guy who can sorta easily sleep with a girl :S id want it to mean something. sometimes i do feel like i had it made with my ex and i blew it. i didnt know things would be like this. i doubt ill find another girl with a good personality and the looks dept or the "icing on the cake" as its put but i totally see where your coming from.
Surfer Dude Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 i dont feel like im the type of guy who can sorta easily sleep with a girl :S id want it to mean something. This is a wrong mindset altogether. You can meet nice girls, establish a meaningful and deep relationship with them and have meaningful sex. After all, the word "meaning" holds value only in your mind, it objectively has no meaning at all. i doubt ill find another girl with a good personality and the looks dept or the "icing on the cake" as its putFor every great woman you know, there are hundreds out there even better, you have just never met them. It is completely unwarranted to assume your ex is the only perfect woman for you out there. And not to mention this pessimistic attitude will completely bring you down (it already has). Optimism enables you to see opportunities everywhere, while pessimism blinds you to them. Opportunities exists, it's just a matter of perspective whether you'll see them or not. World belongs to unfaltering optimists. Now get out there and snap out of this self imposed prison and punishment
alwayssme Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Peter you are right... and one thing...its perfectly normal to still miss an ex...from most people i know you dont FULLY get over an ex in months...( some people do but most i know dont)...when u think about it, this is someone you truly loved who at one point promised to love u forever..now thats gone...so u deal with the pain..it lessens but it doesnt go away overnight...everyone heals at different times...and get to know people but dont try to get over ur ex by FORCING yourself to like another girl because thats what most people will tell u...dont feelw rong for missing her, it is perfectly normal...you will get over this at ur own pace.
Author Peter_pan Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 oh right, well i know that to be true i guess. but thats rubbish. I mean when and where and at what time do you put a time limit on this kind of thing? I cant get my head around that she lives with him now, and went out with him straight away, she can do much better in terms of looks but i know that dosnt really matter its whats underneath but that really eats me cause it means she likes him deeper than she did with me and i thought i meant the world to her when i last saw her and said "i cant believe you left me for someone you knew for 3 weeks and i stuck by your side for 3 years" her reaction was no word, she just cried and ran off... why would i have got that response from her if she didnt care? i feel i have let go but it still stings time to time, remising on the past and what we had. makes me sad that its gone and i cant undo anything. she was my best friend not just lover. am i being immature by not speaking to her? its been a year... when it all happened she deleted me from fb bebo and all that jazz so i del her from my msn, then there was little communication while she was off with her new bf and i was dwelling and hurting over the whole thing when she seemed not to give a flying sheep, and would say, "its nothing serious" did that mean i shouldnt back off, stick in there and fight to the death? to late now anyway. you cant live in the past i know. but i do think about her a lot.
Surfer Dude Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You can nullify those thoughts by focusing on other women. It is possible to establish even better and more amazing relationships with others. It took me a while to realize this: we lost nothing. We gained a valuable experience and hopefully profited from it, it made us who we are. Now it's time to make more nice experiences!
steve9417 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 to late now anyway. you cant live in the past i know. but i do think about her a lot. Hi Peter ..... like you i think of my ex a lot and wonder .......... why did she cry when we said goodbye ..... why she said she never loved anyone as much as me in her life (and she's no spring chicken ) ......... we could talk and share so much together ....... we had fun ....... sex was great etc ........ however its over and she's with someone else now unless we ACCEPT its over then we'll only perpetuate this type of thinking ......... i accept that i love her with all my heart and with the full awareness that its over at her request ......... if i can be honest with where i am right now then i tend to drift off to a place which come from deep down inside ...... we were never really truly matched ........ my heart wanted us to work but my head knows we couldn't ..... else she'd be still with me i've just realised that all the time writing this reply is time lost investing in myself and my dreams ........ and boy she so ain't worth it !!! if only i could blank her out of my head then i know that would be more helpful than occasionally thinking of her and why it ended and what i did wrong and why more i could have done and whats she doing right now and does she still think of me and will she come back and ........... blah blah blah this ain't a straight line process but healing to me is about awareness (to my unhelpful thinking ), acceptance its over for a reason (and that reason is a good one) and that we get what we focus on (and that by focusing on the ex we're forgetting #1) the good news is we're getting there .......... even though we occasionally make the mistake of looking in the rear view mirror
foxh1234 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Hi Peter ..... like you i think of my ex a lot and wonder .......... why did she cry when we said goodbye ..... why she said she never loved anyone as much as me in her life (and she's no spring chicken ) ......... we could talk and share so much together ....... we had fun ....... sex was great etc ........ however its over and she's with someone else now unless we ACCEPT its over then we'll only perpetuate this type of thinking ......... i accept that i love her with all my heart and with the full awareness that its over at her request ......... if i can be honest with where i am right now then i tend to drift off to a place which come from deep down inside ...... we were never really truly matched ........ my heart wanted us to work but my head knows we couldn't ..... else she'd be still with me i've just realised that all the time writing this reply is time lost investing in myself and my dreams ........ and boy she so ain't worth it !!! if only i could blank her out of my head then i know that would be more helpful than occasionally thinking of her and why it ended and what i did wrong and why more i could have done and whats she doing right now and does she still think of me and will she come back and ........... blah blah blah this ain't a straight line process but healing to me is about awareness (to my unhelpful thinking ), acceptance its over for a reason (and that reason is a good one) and that we get what we focus on (and that by focusing on the ex we're forgetting #1) the good news is we're getting there .......... even though we occasionally make the mistake of looking in the rear view mirror Great post, very well said. Once we accept things it gets a whole lot easier.
alwayssme Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You can nullify those thoughts by focusing on other women. It is possible to establish even better and more amazing relationships with others. It took me a while to realize this: we lost nothing. We gained a valuable experience and hopefully profited from it, it made us who we are. Now it's time to make more nice experiences! i disagree with that statememnt....you dont need to focus on other women...you need to focus on you..yes it may sound stupid but its the truth...and u cant put a time limit on this, nope sorry... the most important thing is to be around people and make new friends or even acquantances...im in college so that helps alot...and remember another thing dont pressure yourself to "get over her" or force yourself to like anyone else because ur tired of being lonely...there is nothing worse than that...love will come to you in one way or another...dnt let anyone tell u, "oh you need to get over this its been too long" (most people will say it because they want you to feel better) but truth is you cant control for how long you're going to love somebody...we're all different and the level of love is different for everyone (yes its the truth)...as long as your ex is not taking over your life completely then you're good...you will get over this at your own pace..
alwayssme Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 and the thing about accepting reality is soooo true..once you accept...yes i loved her..i still love her and it still kinda hurts but it has gotten better than before...i made mistakes, she made mistakes...but now its over and there is nothing i can do about it...being honest with how you feel helps alot...also journaling or writing her whatever you feel (but not giving it to her of course helps alot)...i also write poems and thats my way of coping...at times im okay, at times im hurt, at times i miss him....i'm okay with that because i pray that someday i will find happiness and love again!
Surfer Dude Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 i disagree with that statememnt....you dont need to focus on other women...you need to focus on you..yes it may sound stupid but its the truth...and u cant put a time limit on this, nope sorry... Both is true. He needs to focus on self work AND meeting other women. Self pitying solves nothing. I know this was harsh, but it's a fact. Once he talks to 10,15,50 girls, he will realize how many great and amazing ones are out there, with whom it's possible to experience things far better and greater than with his ex. I rest my case. Let's leave it to the OP to find out what works for him the best.
EmperorR Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I already met a girl better than my ex, trust me they are out there. The quicker you drop the old baggage teh quicker you will see.
steve9417 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 ...at times im okay, at times im hurt, at times i miss him....i'm okay with that because i pray that someday i will find happiness and love again! and we will alwayssme .......... and in the meantime lets not forget to smell the flowers on the way
Author Peter_pan Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 thinking of adding her to msn. but at the same time i know its pointless. but tbh its been pointless for a long time and i got to a point where there dosnt have to be a point, the point is i want to. not sure why. apart from she is the only girl i ever opened myself up to truly and knew inside out. i dont think this pain will ever leave. it just hurts to deep i havnt cried in a long time but tonite tipped me over the edge
Surfer Dude Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Pain certainly does go away and it can serve as a catalyst in your metamorphosis into something new and better. Anyhow, I think it would be advisable for you to date women. That should fix your problem. We have already concluded that.
foxh1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I am going to do a complete 180 here and say, go for it PP. Add her, contact her, call her, whatever it will take for you to get the fact that she is long gone man. She lives with another guy!!! She is living and loving life and your still wallowing over her. When you contact her, she will think it is pathetic that you are still hung up on her. I'm not saying this to hurt you PP, you know me and you know I say these things for your own good. Maybe you really need to talk to her to get over her, I don't know. You are still stuck in what if land and you need to get over it. I agree with dating women and getting out there more. The more you withdraw and live in the past, the longer this thing will hurt you. You know my story, I wallowed for a long time too, but I finally had enough and made the decision to get over it. Only you can do it. Sure she was great, so was mine, but they are GONE!!! and they ain't coming back. Keep your self respect and forget her. Life is too short man. You know I'm behind you 100%, just feel bad that your torturing yourself. Take care man
Author Peter_pan Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 cheers man. your right i know. as is surfer dude. its like im almost looking for pain to make me realize and except the cold truth.
foxh1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I know you know it, that's what is so frustrating pete One key word got me to the point that I am at. That word is acceptance. Once you accept that it is what it is and nothing you do or say will bring her back, then and only then can you let it go and get on with it. Your young man, get out there and live, I'm in my early 40's and take it from me, life flies by. Don't waste anymore time on a memory. Peace
Author Peter_pan Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 im off snowboarding soon, so i will enjoy that to the full. i do think she has something for me since she got upset when i spoke to her in person. whats that about/? im going to give myself till im 25 if i havnt met anyone remotely as good as she was i will do everything in my power to try and get her again. mission impossible i believe. i hate that she had allll the power at the end. that sucked more than anything
me1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 i pray that someday i will find happiness and love again! you can't just pray to find love and happiness. these things generally don't just fall into your lap. as surfer dude pointed out, you need to be proactive about meeting people. im going to give myself till im 25 if i havnt met anyone remotely as good as she was i will do everything in my power to try and get her again. mission impossible i believe. i hate that she had allll the power at the end. that sucked more than anything you shouldn't set a timeframe like that - especially one where you're already expecting failure. if you are proactive and focus on meeting new girls, good things will come. with regards to her having "all the power" - she doesn't. you need to accept responsibility for yourself and your happiness. you can't use her as a crutch by saying she somehow has control over you.
Author Peter_pan Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 well i am pro actively going about it! and just havnt meet anyone tbh. you seen the film yes man? thats me. i dont turn many things down. I will do things in hope of meeting someone. im saying i am spending all my time and effort looking as when you look you do not find. I meant all the power at the end of the re when i was clinging on. I am trying to except responsibility for myself and happiness, I just find it a struggle at times. just i realise what i did wrong and how i could have kept her if i changed my ways and mindset. and it hurts that i couldnt correct that in time and she left for good. i carry a lot of regret and that dosnt help at all. just plain sucks
foxh1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 well i am pro actively going about it! and just havnt meet anyone tbh. you seen the film yes man? thats me. i dont turn many things down. I will do things in hope of meeting someone. im saying i am spending all my time and effort looking as when you look you do not find. I meant all the power at the end of the re when i was clinging on. I am trying to except responsibility for myself and happiness, I just find it a struggle at times. just i realise what i did wrong and how i could have kept her if i changed my ways and mindset. and it hurts that i couldnt correct that in time and she left for good. i carry a lot of regret and that dosnt help at all. just plain sucks I remember a song and one line was- living in the past, is not living at all. I think that is so true. We all made mistakes in the past and regret them but life must move forward. Stop looking back pete, there is nothing there for you. Look forward and things will take care of themselves.
Author Peter_pan Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 ok man i know thats true. i guess im very attached to the memories and security of my past i think thats why im not coping to well in the whole letting it go. its so ****e that its gone and thats it, nothing i or anyone can do about it.
northstar1 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I remember a song and one line was- living in the past, is not living at all. I think that is so true. We all made mistakes in the past and regret them but life must move forward. Stop looking back pete, there is nothing there for you. Look forward and things will take care of themselves. Good point Fox. Eventually you just have to say "enough". It took me months to finally get to this point of realizing living in the past and hoping isn't going to change the future. Don't get me wrong, I still do think of my ex, but not with the same gut wrenching pain, and I've been out meeting new girls, and having a good time doing it. I don't know where it will all lead, but the prospects are exciting and being able to be out there is ultimately giving me back my confidence and optimism for the future. I've met a pretty cool girl, and although it's very new and early, it's nice to be able to actually think about being with someone other than my ex. It's a much better headspace to be in. Living in the past is no way to live. Life is too short.
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