electric_sheep Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Pardon me for putting adult in quotes. Does it seem like developing genuine friends as an adult is next to impossible? Most people your own age seem absorbed with career and kids. Many of the opportunities you once had to make friends are no longer relevant (like school, for example). The circle of work social contacts can get exhausted pretty quickly, particularly if you don't have a very social job (or one dealing with the public). I sometimes make acquaintances at cafes, bars, or bookshops, but they seldom extend outside that venue (partly my own fault, no doubt). I'm single with no kids. Been dating my gf for 3 years. She makes friends easier than me, but sadly most friends in her social network just aren't my cup of tea. I think in general it's easier for women to make friends. Men have isolationist tendencies, generally put to much emphasis on work, and when they do relate to each other at all it's often mired by the inevitable male "competition". Men talk in facts too, which I can find tedious. Honestly, I'm much more feminine in my communication habits than most men. Whenever a man and women attempt to strike up a friendship, there is always the "danger" of sex lurking in the air, however. The partners can become jealous. Sometimes I myself get confused if the woman is particularly intelligent and attractive. For all these reasons intersex friendship can be problematic. At the risk of being overly drammatic, is seems like friendship has become a causality of the modern, post-industrial, dispersed and "homeless", materialistic, world. At least the Western world. Makes one long for the tribe again, in some ways. Maybe I'm just being defeatist. Anyway, being more social is on my New Years resolution list. Anyone have any ideas? Real, in person, friendship is what I'm interested in, but I'm not opposed to computers if it's in this goal.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Ok. A freind of mine is a child Psychologist and a Juveniles counsellor, and she truly despairs for the next generation. She sees young people of today being launched into the big wide world with zero communication skills. Thye truly have no idea how to hold a conversation, express themselves fluently, or put ideas, opinions or views across constructively or effectively. If we want to change this, we have to act now. I hate to say it, but I'm going to be completely honest with you. The men I have found who are capable of being open, frank, honest, candid and sympathetic have all been - Buddhist. Or Yoga practitioners. It seems to me that the only way men seem to be able to expose this supposedly vulnerable side of themselves, is to find some kind of spirituality. I am not for one moment suggesting you should do likewise. I'm merely pointing out that by and large, I agree with you. The other way I have found guys to be accommodating, sympathetic, receptive, kind and generous - is on here.
wierdmunky Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I totally agree with the 0 communications skills. It's hard trying to make friends at school sometimes. Everyone is already in their own "bubble" and I even find myself less expressive to people now than before, and I use texting to "avoid" having to get into a conversation because it's convenient.
carhill Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Having conversations is easy. Starting them is harder. IME, practice makes for more comfort and confidence. Personally, I honed my skills by striking up conversations with strangers on airplanes. I've made some acquaintances and a few friends by that method alone. It really is a small world. OP, the trick is finding men with a similar mindset and communication style. Again, the more exposure, the better. Two examples....of all people, I found my lawyer to be of a surprisingly similar mindset and emotional style as myself. Perhaps that's why we clicked. I learned a lot from him about how lawyers manage their emotions when arguing in court or negotiating for clients. Another example is an older gentleman I met while flying standby on a mileage run. Turned out he was a retired United Airlines IT manager (managed the systems that run their reservation system) flying NRSA (non revenue space available) and we ended up getting off into esoteric subjects of philosophy and engineering and all sorts of things on a 4 hour midcon, which ended much too soon. I gave him my business card, shook his hand, and thanked him for making an otherwise boring flight enjoyable. I knew about his wife, his kids, his grandkids and he invited me to look him up the next time I was in DEN (Denver). Those example were just from a month-long period in November and December of last year. I didn't include my flirtations with flight attendants because those were just harmless fun, but there were plenty of those too. These were all people in my age group (45-65). The only thing stopping you, OP, is you. Get out there. I was an introvert for years and didn't relate well to men. The good news is, as men age, they can become more open, less competitive (in that juvinile way) and more aware and expressive regarding their emotions. Hope it works out for you. Remember, just like with finding a girlfriend, finding male friends is a numbers game. Good luck
El Scorpio Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I keep thinking about this and I'm not sure either. I always said it's so easy to make a million friends but impossible to make the first.. I meant if you got one really good friend, it's easy to make more. But if you got ZERO, it's almost impossible to make one. But yup as an adult it's pretty hard. I mean, to give the best example, I'm on the same exact boat as you. I've written same questions almost word for word (I saw the subject and was like, wait, did I write that? I don't remember..) Yet despite us being in the exact same situation, would WE be friends?? Probably not. Even if us being friends, even if just "temporarily", would lead to more friends?? Cause think about how you made friends as a kid.. you were probably a kid, riding your bike round the block, see some other kid, you guys go ride bikes together (that's the "first" friend).. so now that you got a riding buddy, you go out, you run into more people, things happen. So you make some new friends. You seem to connect more to the new friends then bike buddy. So you and bike buddy drift apart. But as adults, we don't want to go through that first bike buddy, because we already know bike buddy isn't what we're actually after. Dang I'm blabberin now.. I mean, as an adult, we want to skip ahead to that "friend we really want".. which is why people like knowing that someone "knows someone they know" or grew up in the same place, same lifestyle, culture etc.. it's a way of skipping past the trial and error process of those "first" friends. Wow I sound like a geek.
nana yaw II Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I often think that when finding friendships, look for places places where people similar you hang out. If a person likes books, then it's best for them to hang out in a bookshop or a library. if a person likes sports, then it's best for them to go to a game in their neighbourhood, or join an amateur league. Similarly, what are your interests? What are your passions and likes? Find a group or place in your area that is based on what you like, and perhaps go and check it out? And as for online/computers, well why not? i don't think it's sad or geeky as such. are you on facebook, or have a favourite message board? if so, then why not search for a group on facebook that shares your interests? or message a poster on a message board who you like the sound of? Making friends online may lead to the prospect of deceit, in that a person isn't how they say they are online. But I think this is also true in the real world too, since we can readily befriend a person only to later find out they're being somebody they're not, or have deceived us about who they are. anyhow, I wish you luck in making friends, since life can seem crappy without anybody to relate to, share things with or to just hang with. making friends isn't necessarily easy, but everything in life comes through hard work. If you seek out people who shares similar tastes/values to yourself, then it should be easier.
monkey00 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I think as an adult, forging friendships often require more time and patience than when people were younger. People lead busy lives and in larger cities, they also live fast paced lives where relationships may be built on a thin line where acquaintances are wide and readily available, but few close friends exist. Circumstances. I think it has a lot to do with circumstances also - If someone had just moved to a new city or country they are alone and likely will be in the search for new friends. If you match 2 of these together, it might be common they will seek each other out for friendship. Regardless it takes 2 to tango, and if someone isn't on the same boat nothing's going to happen. The friendships that I managed to forge during college had the height of its moment and is dwindling down, I guess it's part their fault and my fault. It took time to forge those acquaintances, and even more attention to nurture the bond/friendship. But even so, as life goes on people change and so does your social circle. Friends come and friends go, and the end it's up to you what you make of your life. I think you should take this one step at a time and build rapport and just see where it goes. If you live in a big city, I'd suggest looking up craigslist for activity partners which is a great way of finding others with common interests.
Author electric_sheep Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 But as adults, we don't want to go through that first bike buddy, because we already know bike buddy isn't what we're actually after. Dang I'm blabberin now.. I mean, as an adult, we want to skip ahead to that "friend we really want".. which is why people like knowing that someone "knows someone they know" or grew up in the same place, same lifestyle, culture etc.. it's a way of skipping past the trial and error process of those "first" friends. Wow I sound like a geek. No, that makes perfect sense. The difference is as a kid you had all the time in the world. As an adult you have so little free time, and hence suddenly get really guarded and protective of your time. Hanging out with the bike buddy to meet another buddy seems like a waste of time.
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