gamo1985 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It started about 2 years ago when my wife had a miscarriage, she went into a downward spiral sucking all of her feelings in with her and refused to talk about anyof them. then she started coming home later after work. started drifting further away, spending less and less time at home and more time by herself. well i started gettin suspicious of things after about a month of her staying out and taking all that time to herself, and i knew when she was home she spent all her time talkin to ppl online. So one night when she was out i downloaded a key logger onto her laptop, for those of u that dont know what that does, it logs everysingle keystroke made on your computer into a file and automatically emails that file to an email adress that u want all the while running in the background of the computer and virtually un noticable. but anyhow by using the key logger i was able to get the passwords for some of the sites that she frequents and was able to look back at the history of her chats. I found numerous messages all to one guy that were fairly racey and descriptive of things that they would like to do to each other. the next night i confronted her with these and as expected she denied that they had ever done anything. now it might not have been my place to request what i did but anyways i requested that she stopped seeing him, but she agreed and said she would stop. over the next couple weeks things were going alright at least i thought until her paycheck came in the mail and it was alot lower then normaly. so i took a vacation day from work and followed her and found out instead of going to work she was going to his house. so again i did something i probably shouldnt have, i went to the court house and got paperwork for a retraining order and told her if she didnt sign them we were over. she finaly signed them after the weekend was over and we moved on at least for a few more months. now christmas time has always been a horrible time for her. every christmas she gets so depressed because her parens had split in a very brutal divorce and she lost her mom and hasnt been able to talk to her since (her dad kept her sheltered and kept moving around) and when she turned 18 her dad disowned her and refuses to speak to her too, so she has no family to spend christmas with other than mine which just makes things worse. the christmas after she had a miscarriage was exceptionally bad, it was our daughters 1st christmas, and her dad got in contact with her only to say he wanted to have some time with his grand daughter. i had never seen her so depressed before. her dad had just said he wants to be a part of our daughters life but not hers. she started seperating herself from me again, this time she had found another guy to go to a guy that is a regular at the store she worked at. with the trust still not there from the 1st icident a few months prior i was ready for the worst again. she started staying after work again. coming home 3 sometimes 4 hours after she was supposed to get off. i drove past her work a few times on my way hom from work, she normaly got off before i did and it wasnt too far out of the way, but her car was always there. so i thought maybe nothing was going on. one night i stopped in to see if she wanted to go out for dinner with me that night but she wasnt there, her car was but she wasnt. i found out from one of her coworkers that this other guy was showing up just before she was supposed to get off and they were leaving together in his vehicle. wheni confronted her about it she denied anything at happened. now i dont know for sure if anything had happened but i cant help my mind from wandering and drawing its own conclusions. this time when i askedher to stop seeing the guy she actually did stop as far as i know. that was all over a year ago, i thought things were going alright now we get to the present.... this last week her grandfather who she had lived with for 9 years while her dad traveled with the military was just moved out of his home where her grandma cared for him and put into a nursing home because his condition was gettin to be too much that she couldnt handle it anymore. he has been bedridden for over 4 years now and only gettin worse. the doctors said he probably didnt have much time left. well as soon as my wife found out this she has already started drifting into her depression. and now this morning we found out he passed away last night and just the look on her face i know whats going to happen... well i tried talking to her a couple days ago about it and she blew up on me, just ranting raving crying and finaly left the house. now the town we live in is small it doent take long to get through it and it takes even less time to find a car that ur looking for on the streets. she went to another guys house. this time the guy she went to is a long time friend of hers they share a very deep history, dated on and off, they were so close at one point he felt necesarry to tatto her name on himself. we sat down and talked about things last night and i brought up this other guy. she said she sitll loved me but she loves him too. she has feeling for him she cant explain and always has. the last 2 years she has been acting happy just to pacify me. but when she isnt around the house she spends alot of time with tis guy either on the phone, online, or at his house. when i asked if her feelings for this other guy were greater then the feelings for me all she would tell me is i dont know. I DONT KNOW!!! we have been married for almost 6 years now have one daughter almost had 2 children and now i find out she has alwayshad feeling for this other guy and she DOESNT KNOW.... i guess she has had feeling for him even before we were married and he just moved back to the area last christmas thats when they hooked up i dont want our relationship to end but i dont know of anyway to climb back out of this rut. i suggested counseling but she never answered me with that one. on the same note i dont even know if i want to fight for our relationship, everytime something bad happensin her life she runs to someone else and now this guy that she has feelings for is around, i dont know that even if we did patch things up this time it would last a round 4
Enema Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 What I see here is: - A continual pattern of apathy to your relationship - Disrespect to you, your feelings and your marriage. - Perpetual liar - Takes no responsibility for her actions - No desire to change or fix things You can chase around other guys, put restraining orders on them and give your wife orders, but you can't control the real problem: HER She doesn't want to change and probably never will. Cut your losses and get the hell out. You and your child deserve far better than this.
Author gamo1985 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 i have tried workin on our relationship time and time again for the sake of my daughter, wisconsin is a mommy state the only way for a dad to leave a relationship with the child is to prove the mom is not fit to be a mother, or to get her to give up custody I cant nor do i want to prove she is an unfit mother and i know she wants to be a part of our daughters life as much as i do. i care for her too much to take my daughter from her but to leave would tear me apart being away from my daughter that much ive been preparing for the worst for a while now, ever since after the 1st incident but i would hate myself if i gave up without exhausting every option to make it work if i could only get her to agree to counseling
Enema Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You can't make her agree to counselling, she has to want it herself - and she doesn't. Think about what kind of morals your daughter is picking up from your wife. Not divorcing yourself from this situation is telling your daughter that this behaviour is OK. Don't be fooled, kids are very perceptive - she knows what's going on and you're going to raise another generation of cheating, unhappy, messed up women by doing nothing.
JennaGennaro Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I agree with Enema. She doesn't want counseling. She sounds like one of those people that just likes to be miserable all the time. You mentioned her depression time and again. Does she take anything for this? Has she been diagnosed? I understand she has a bad family history, but everyone has their share of problems - hers are no different and do not give her an excuse to act the way she does. She should be ashamed for her behavior, especially since you have a small child. If she is unwilling to go to counseling, then it says she is unwilling to work on your marriage. It is unfair to you and your child. I know you don't want to prove her unfit, but what is best for your child? I would recommend staying and working on it, but you cannot if she isn't willing to. Therefore, you need to get out and take your daughter with you. Do you really want your daughter to live in a household the way her mother is? She will bring guy after guy after guy into her life, all the while being a bad influence on your daughter. I think you have a very good case against your wife. While she might not be having a physical affair, she has had numerous emotional ones. She sounds like she neglects her daughter too.
Author gamo1985 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Well... i finally just did it sent our daughter to a babysitter today so we could sit down and see if both of us are on the same page with wanting to fix it.... i guess we are in completely different books she refuses to stop talking to the OM so we can work on things and i found out she went through counseling as a child over her other issues and refuses to go through counseling again. after we were done talking i packed my stuff told her id help with the light and gas bill for this month but after that she is on her own, i dont think she expected me to actualy do it. but now i feel like crap, but not for reasons i would have imagined... here i am a 24 year old back to living with my parents for the time being. but that aside i actually feel pretty happy, never thought i would say that after going through this kind of stuff but i do. i hope the time apart will make her realize a few things, if not then i guess no loss i figure ill stay here at my parents for a while though give her some time for the light to come on, dont wanna rent another place and be stuck in another lease. but if things dont look like they are comin around so be it thnx for the advice guys... keep things comin
JennaGennaro Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'm happy for you that you took one last stand and tried to talk to your unreasonable wife. If anything, it proves she doesn't want to work on it and at least YOU tried. Don't feel bad about being 24 and living back with your parents. You have your whole life ahead of you. Would you rather be 44 and living with your parents and having put up with this all that time? Of course not. Now you just need to get your daughter out of that house. I think your staying with your parents would be a good influence for your daughter because she would have consistent family there instead of an absentee mother, but I'm sure you know what is best. The thing to remember during the time apart and your hoping that she will realize things is that you cannot cave. You need to stand your ground and don't let her manipulate you. Counseling for her should be something she wants to do and if she doesn't it's a deal breaker. The last thing you want to be is the guy that keeps taking her back only to have her repeat these things over and over again. She will know that she can do this to you and you will have lost your leverage. Good luck and let us know how things go!
mark982 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 gamo, you're one of the few men on here,that confronted her, and didn't take her crap. good for you.i wouldn't even help her out w/ this months bills. wants to play---you gotta pay. i wish you all the best.
Author gamo1985 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 thanks guys ill keep ya posted, dont exactly have much of anything better to do at the moment. that wasnt a complaint . i mean for goodness sakes... i love the women, but i wish i had remembered how much i loved being a bachelor too. the longer she waits the less likely im going to want to go back. kind of sad but ive been strapped down for the last 4 yrs, and it felt good to be able to hit the streets tonight. and mark i wouldnt have helped her with the light and the gas bills except for the fact they are still my bills from this month. but the new month starts soon and after that they are hers. i would feel horrible if she ended up losing the place... but hey then it will be up for rent again, i liked living there. either way if things do end up into the big 'D' she more then likely will have child support to help her out so a little helping hand this month isnt too far of a stretch from her future. BTW i have a meeting with a lawyer on monday to see where i stand as far as custody and belongings, and any other rights i might need to know of. im not looking at the big 'D' in the too near of future but "knowledge is power". before anyone asks why i moved out instead of kicking her to the curb, one simple answer. she actually has nowhere to go. not many ppl can say that and mean it... her dad disowned her, she doesnt know where her mom is, the OM is in a relationship atm and she doesnt have any money of her own. after the 1st EA i got my own bank acct and thats where my money sits . she isnt going to like paying the bills when she finds out how much i used to take care of. peace out, thanks for the advice, keep it comin
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Gamo, you did great. She needs to see if she can live off the emotional support of this other guy. I am sure when she explains that to the bill collectors they will cut her some slack. Expect to see her at your parents door when the bills come in. Stay strong.
Heroic Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You deserve better. Plain and simple, she doesn't love you. She isn't a fit mother and she isn't a fit wife.
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