ivy777 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I wrote in a few months ago about this issue and the thread was mostly deleted so I wanted to touch base for opinions. I have been engaged for 8 months to a man I have been with for 3 years. We have had a very good relationship except for one issue. In a not very smart move, I asked him if he had been with anyone else at the beginning of our relationship and after some hedging he admitted that he had a one night stand a month after we started dating. I did not have the exclusivity talk with him at that point so I realize that it was "fair game," and he didn't break an agreement. However, I am very concerned about the marriage now. I didn't expect a fairy tale but I cannot understand how he could have slept with someone else right at the point of falling in love with me. In my mind, it ruins the beginning of the relationship and bases us on something pretty unstable. He said that it was simply a drunken mistake and he didn't know where things stood with us, and that he regretted it after and that it reinforced his feelings for me. I believe him but I don't know if we should get married at this point. I know some people have even dicier beginnings (met while in other relationships, etc) but (and this might sound silly) I feel cheated out of the great love that I thought I had. If I were not special enough to keep him from a one night stand in the first month, isn't it a logical conclusion that he never fell that hard for me? I get when people get bored of the sexual routine and cheat (not that it is right) but when they are just starting out, it seems like sex with someone else is an indicator that he didn't fall that hard for me. And if that is correct, I think maybe I was wrong about agreeing to go forward with marriage. I feel like, so what he "figured it out," and logically decided I was the right choice. If I was so riveting to him, he would not have slept with someone else while I was brand new to him. I'm just not sure how to reconcile this fact with a future together. I'm scared that I will always wonder whether our relationship ever had the "honeymoon" phase where you really fall in love, or whether it was simply a practical decision he made. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.
Adri Ana Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Actually if you were already committed , if you had this "great love" with him as you mention it , then it`s just obvious that he really cheated on you in the very first month . Had it happen any more ? Are you sure you can trust on him that he wont lie you telling the truth you need ? I would take some time more before marrying him. _______ In the very start ,in the very beginning any relationship is just so beautiful,so romantic,so warm , even if after some time the Two will find out that they did not match that much, anyway at the start of the relationship all is just like a fairy tale . And now knowing that he cheated on you at that very "fairy tale" while moment, it makes me doubt what he will do in 3-4 years,in 6-7 years ,in 9-10 years of your marrige ... Think over this carefully .
Author ivy777 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks. It has not happened since then - I am pretty confident about that. I agree with you that it FEELS like cheating and without getting too much into semantics, I am trying to be logical and take responsibility for the fact that I didn't have a "talk" with him about the exclusivity back then. So technically, it was not cheating. But yes, it is definitely in the same genre.
Adri Ana Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 We can define words the way we like .But facts stay facts. And I see in you a real optimistic mind . It`s good, but you are never too old to start a new game ,to set a new fire and to be really happy . So do not enter a relationship which you are not in wholly emotionally . You will regret afterwards . Wishing you best of luck !
clv0116 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 ..... it is definitely in the same genre. No it's not at all the same. If a woman I'm dating asks if I see other women I tell her simply that I'm not presently in an exclusive relationship. If she doesn't ask I don't feel it's my chore to inform her of all the details of my life. You both had different understandings of the relationship early on and that's all there is to it. You have to decide how to deal with it for yourself but I would strongly suggest better communication before making assumptions in the future.
Author ivy777 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks, C. I understand that I made the mistake of not setting boundaries early on that I was comfortable with and definitely will not make that mistake again. The real question is whether it is possible for a person to think that casually of a woman they are dating and sleeping with and then "poof!" she becomes more important - for really no reason except the guy's time frame. How can I believe that he ever felt that strongly for me if he did this when the romance was new and we'd just started sleeping together?
clv0116 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks, C. I understand that I made the mistake of not setting boundaries early on that I was comfortable with and definitely will not make that mistake again. The real question is whether it is possible for a person to think that casually of a woman they are dating and sleeping with and then "poof!" she becomes more important - for really no reason except the guy's time frame. Yes. It's easily possible in my experience, particularly if he's a guy who has always had dating options in the past. At some point you are one of the girls he has been dating and then later you grow on him to the point where he is willing to forgo all those other options to be with you. In the time from point A->B he's still mulling it over. Don't let Hollywood and their BS soulmate love-at-first-glance myths ruin what might be the best thing to ever happen to you both. Keep your eyes open of course but unrealistic expectations are good things to avoid.
Enema Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I think you're overreacting a bit. Been together for 3 years, that's 36 months. He did this in the first month when you weren't exclusive. So, you've had a great - monogamous 35 months together since it happened, and yet you still feel the need to hold it against him. Wow. He trusted you enough to tell you the truth about it - I wouldn't have! You should be giving the man blowjobs because of his honesty, not thinking about dumping him!
Author ivy777 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks again, Clv. It definitely logically makes sense that one could sleep with more than one person and narrow it down and get serious with the one he connected with the best. And I am REALLY trying to take the whole Hollywood BS out of it. Of course not everyone falls in love at first sight. Enema, blowjob comment aside, I get the viewpoint that it was a long time ago and he hasn't done anything like this since. That is his view: he made a misstep early on when he was drunk and then realized how important I was, blah blah blah. The problem is that I cannot mentally reconcile the imbalance that this has caused in our relationship. We will forever be in a situation where he was very casual with me in the beginning, I was less casual with him (stupidly as it turns out), and then he "picked" me. Only I didn't know I was in that position to be picked from a litter. If I had known at that time that he'd slept with someone else, I would have simply left him to his dalliances and focused on finding someone who was less conflicted about me. Forget about the "exclusive talk," or any agreements. He just wasn't into me enough to forego other options and later changed his mind. How can that possibly be a good foundation for a long term relationship?
Enema Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Many relationships start out casual like yours, it is not an indication of the future success of the relationship. Trying to label the initial casual part as the "foundation" of the relationship is just pandering and building your insecurities. Focus on what you have now and have had for the vast bulk of your relationship - A solid, honest, loving relationship that made you say Yes to his marriage proposal. Dwelling on who was more invested in the relationship years ago before it was serious is senseless.
clv0116 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 He just wasn't into me enough to forego other options and later changed his mind. How can that possibly be a good foundation for a long term relationship? The fact that he took his time to get to know you and be around you before deliberately discarding his other options should be a plus in my opinion. He invested time and effort and made a worthwhile choice to be with you. Sounds pretty solid.
Author ivy777 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks En (nice name btw :-) for your comments. This brings up an interesting aspect (not just for me but in general). Do you know a lot of couples who have started out casually and then turned into a happy long term relationship? Most of the long term couples I know have relationship stories that fall into two categories pretty squarely: - non-casual and often messy beginnings - e.g., one person was cheating on someone else to enter the relationship or they were friends first and started hooking up or they worked together and didn't want anyone to know, etc. - casual beginnings where the people waited months to sleep with one another - i.e., the more traditional way that people used to date (get to know eachother and spend a lot of time on dates and have sex only after fully knowing that you are both committed). I don't know a lot of people (except maybe much older and divorced, which seems like a different ballgame) who rush in no holds barred to relationships without some external limitations to how serious they could get (like other relationships or shared offices) and not had it blow up in their face. I also don't know many who started out casually, dating & sleeping together, seeing other people, and then it "evolved," and had that work. Maybe in the former types there is too much of a spark and maybe in the latter there is not enough?
Enema Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Well with a 50%+ divorce rate in the US at least, I'd say that adhering to the "traditional" way of dating isn't necessarily a ticket to happiness However, even though this is suspiciously coincidental - my wife and I were similar to your situation. While we were in the initial, casual stages of dating I slept with an ex-gf (no emotional attachment). It was just once and I got more serious and moved on to marry my wife 5 years later. I have been perfectly faithful and our relationship is great.
Author ivy777 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 First off, thanks, Clv for your comment. I get where you are coming from and you sound very level headed. I am probably driven a bit more by my emotions than you are even though I can definitely see the value in your logic. It's just getting it to translate into actions that will make everyone happy (including myself) that seems tougher for me. En, thank you again too. That is pretty interesting (and suspiciously coincidental :-) Does your wife know that you slept with the ex while casually dating? I am very interested in what her experience was and how she dealt with it if she knows. For the record, I believe in openness and honesty but I so wish that I did not know this about my fiance. That doesn't matter now obviously in my situation, but no judgment if your wife doesn't know (or maybe positive judgment if you saved her from that knowledge).
Enema Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 She knows. She knew from close to the time it happened, rather than years down the track too, not sure if that would have affected things. I'm trying my best to remember how she handled it, but for the life of me I can't. Maybe it was traumatic to me and has been blocked At any rate, she's fine about it now... realizes that I'm all about her and the past is the past.
clv0116 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 First off, thanks, Clv for your comment. ... For the record, I believe in openness and honesty but I so wish that I did not know this about my fiance. I agree, in his place I wouldn't have felt at all guilty and I would never have said a word. Things that happen are one thing but grabbing you by the back of your neck and rubbing your nose in it is sort of bad judgment. Not that I advocate keeping secrets but there are secrets and there are things that really don't matter. No need to pointlessly bring up the latter.
Author ivy777 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Very much agreed that there is no point in bringing up things that don't matter. However, this is where I take full responsibility because I am the one who brought it up. Although I wish I didn't know, I am not going to fault him for being honest when I asked him directly about it, or read negatively into the fact that he was honest. I really don't think he intentionally hurt me by telling me. I think he was just being kind of weak. En, you say that you forget what your wife did and it was early on when she found out. I think if I had found out early on it would have been a totally different story for sure. I more than likely would have stopped dating him. That's why in this case it feels worse. I thought I had this untainted relationship for 3 years, and now I realize I was wrong the whole time. Maybe that can shed some more light on where I am coming from.
AlektraClementine Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 That does sound like quite a mental struggle. I totally understand. I recently found out that my boyfriend of a year was dating quite possibly 3 months into the relationship. Mind you, we hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet. However, I made up my mind about him rather quickly and he continued to weight options for some time. All I remember is that sometime in April, he introduced me to someone as his girlfriend. At the time, I was thrilled to hear him use that word. Now I kinda feel like this all happened on his terms. HE decided when we were exclusive. I realize that he did nothing really wrong here other than omit information from me at a time when we weren't exclusive. I just sort of feel like I wish I hadn't assumed so much. Like... "wait a minute. you mean I could have been dating other people!!! And we were only boyfriend and girlfriend once YOU made up your mind!!" Nonetheless. It's in the past. He chose me in the end. I can either get over it or not, you know?
Author ivy777 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Totally know, and I'm sorry that you went through that Alektra. How are you dealing? Are you guys having problems or are you able to get through it while staying with him?
clv0116 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 He chose me in the end. I can either get over it or not, you know? I suppose this is a fundamental man/woman difference again maybe but for me the fact that a lot of time and careful consideration went into the final decision is a good thing.
Author ivy777 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Maybe a man/woman difference. But I think the issue is that it's hard for some of us to see how sleeping with someone else is equal to the "careful consideration" you are talking about to decide on a person. I think in Alektra's case, from what she describes, the problem is that he made the determination about the relationship status and she didn't speak up about where she thought things were, so she feels kind of imbalanced about it. It's hard to see that a person can have very strong feelings (encompassing mental and physical) when they were screwing around with others early on. There's no question these guys eventually made a decision to be with one person. The question is whether that decision is "too little too late."
AlektraClementine Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Totally know, and I'm sorry that you went through that Alektra. How are you dealing? Are you guys having problems or are you able to get through it while staying with him? Haven't really dealt with it yet. He volunteered this information last week. No segue or reason. Just tells me he ran into a girl he dated in Feb and that she was acting strange around him. I said something like, "February. When we were dating?" He got very confused and seemingly didn't remember the overlap. The next day, he left for work in the Caribbean and we've had no contact. My "dealing with it" has been very solitary:laugh:
Author ivy777 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Well, I would definitely think it through before you talk about it and see how much it bothers you after a few days. Since you weren't exclusive (technically) he did nothing "wrong." But I totally understand you being upset about it and relate to you on that.
iceis44 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I think you're overreacting a bit. Been together for 3 years, that's 36 months. He did this in the first month when you weren't exclusive. So, you've had a great - monogamous 35 months together since it happened, and yet you still feel the need to hold it against him. Wow. He trusted you enough to tell you the truth about it - I wouldn't have! You should be giving the man blowjobs because of his honesty, not thinking about dumping him! Funny post, I agree to many people place, but this happened 3 years ago!!!! Huh motor on, life could end tommorrow, communication is the key he could have slept with 5 women before being commited to you, so what, get over self insecurities.
iceis44 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 The next day, he left for work in the Caribbean and we've had no contact. My "dealing with it" has been very solitary:laugh: I wanna leve for work in the caribbean!!! waaah
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