techfan Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Hey guys, I've posted here a few times but never gave the whole story. Apologies if it is long, I just want to type it out and get it off my chest as well as ask a few questions to the great people on this board. A little over 2 weeks ago my ex ended it with me. We were in a 2 1/2 year long relationship...maybe closer to 3 years... anyways, we were great together. All our friends thought so too. Never fought, always had a great times, etc. We just fit together so well. And we just enjoyed being together no matter what. Cut to a year ago, she brought up the topic of moving in and possibly having a future together. I was a bit hesitant as kids/marriage is such a huge deal, and her being my first heavy duty girlfriend brought up stupid questions in my mind (no frame of reference or anything to compare to).... She really wants kids and at the time i was unsure because of the HUGE commitment required, etc. I think she started pulling away then. After a few weeks I did tell her i would want marriage and kids down the line. This fixed things a bit but she still had her quiet doubts.... Things seemed okay, not quite as powerful as they had been in the past though. At this point we were 1 and 1/2 years into our R. And the honeymoon period was probably waning as well i am guessing. She isn't one to talk about whats going on in her head very often, so i never really knew there were these doubts forming. And to top it all off, apparently two of my friends told her i said i never wanted to have children. This was not true, i expressed to my friends that I was hesitant about having kids because of the fiscal responsibility and time and just being able to provide for a family. It is not a responsibility I take lightly. But that doesn't mean I dont want it. Anyway after hearing that from both of our mutual friends she never told me. And she emotionally pulled away more. In september i flew to NY for a job, she flew out once to visit and things seemed fine. I flew back once for a week and we hung out then too. Things seemed find as well then too. Except for a comment I made which apparently bothered her a lot. A friend of mind got engaged recently and had to go into deep debt to buy an engagement ring. I apparently made a comment about how I thought the prices of engagement rings were stupid and that the whole idea of the diamond, etc was a racket. I screwed up big time as she apparently took that to heart without telling me. I flew back to NY and sadly we talked less because my job required me to work 14 hour days and when I didnt work i slept. We still talked but not like we used to. I finally got back from New York right before the new year and she brought up all these issues to me. We started talking about them. I reemphasized that i wanted kids and explained my feelings about the engagement ring comment. At this point i think she had already pulled herself completely out of the relationship. She said she didn't feel the 'spark' that one feels when they get into a relationship anymore. Like it was missing. I tried to explain that love evolves and changes, that it morphs into a more caring and loving deep love. Sparks can't hang around forever. I told her that lately I had been having visions of her and me getting married. Which was 1000 percent so true. She started crying and broke up with me. The breakup was hell. We both expressed i love yous and there was no anger involved. She told me I was the best relationship she'd ever been in and that she might regret this but she had to do it. I told her I would be fine (tried to be strong in doing so) and that I just want her to be happy, even if its not with me. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I walked her to her car, kissed her and she drove home. It was the last time i saw her. I read about NC via loveshack and immediately applied it to my situation. I didn't call her for a week or any contact whatsoever. Deleted her number, etc. The only way i could contact her was via email. So after a week I decided to write her one email. I basically said that emotions ran really hot the night of the breakup and that I wanted to talk. That I thought the relationship was worth fighting for. That true love is effortful and not just about 'sparks'. I said i could not walk away without letting her know that i wanted to work the problem out. That way, years down the line I know I tried at least to make things work. I didn't abandon the relationship. We both made mistakes, and we both admit it to each other. We're human. We never had any real issues together, things were solid. But this ran deeper than I thought. And i wish she would have brought it up more. I sent the email, breaking NC but wanted to at least let her know that I thought we were something worth fighting for. Two days later I got her response. She said she thought the 'spark' was the foundation of the relationship and that she has been doubting it for awhile now. she said "i believe that you are supposed to know 100 percent in your heart if that person is the one for you and I don't think you are. I can't fight to make something work that I don't believe is meant to work" She apologized and said she was sorry. She said she never wanted to hurt me and that she should have been more open but she wasnt and there is nothing she can do to change that now. That was it. It has been about a week since her reply and I am on pure NC now. I love her more than anyone I have ever loved before. She was my best friend. And now she is basically out of my life forever. Instantly. It is hell. She was a great one and she got away, and i'm hurting bad because of it. And to be honest, i haven't felt the 'spark' myself with her for awhile but i have LOVED her so much. Such a deeper love than the original 'falling in love' spark but she doesnt feel that way i guess. I know that i will live and things will be okay like they always are in time, but i feel like i missed my only chance with something great. If she cheated on me it would have been more logical to see why it wouldn't work. Its just hard for me to deal with it the way this went down. I blame us both but I feel like it was my fault and I beat myself up about it. I am a positive and hopeful person. So much that in this situation it might be hurting me more. Even with the pretty blatant email I still have a false hope that things could work out between us. I keep thinking that something could flip in her mind and she would realize it too. But I know thats not true. How do i kill this hope? How do i truly move on? I am finding myself lately in the 'bargaining' stage, wanting to contact her and try and talk her into getting back together because i know it can work. I miss her more than ever. Part of me believes if i can just talk to her and tell her a few things she'll give me one more shot as proving that I can be the one..... ugh. I love her and she loves me and there are no ill feelings at all between us. We are both good people, just maybe we mistimed each other somehow. How do i go about moving on entirely? Total NC? If there was a way to get her back at all would it be NC? I just can't seem to kill this hope. Even though the email says it pretty plain as day. I keep thinking, maybe its a test to prove how I really feel and I can show her and get her back. Mind games im playing on myself. So I need some perspective from you great LS'ers out there. Something to help me focus and stay committed to moving on. I want her back so bad but can't live on false hope. I feel like this false hope is delaying my healing because whenever i think of the 'possibility' of getting back together in a week or a month or a year, the pain goes away a bit. And i know this isn't right. So what do i do? Like i said its been a bit over 2 weeks now and it feels like its getting tougher. Thanks my story. For any of you who read it all, i thank you very much. Apologies for the length, i just wanted to get it all out. One last thing, i don't want to come off as bitter with the NC but her bday is coming up... i should totally not even send a email wishing her a good day should I? If she is out of my life altogether, i suppose an email wouldn't be smart? I just want her happiness more than mine, even if that means im not the one. But it's a struggle. Advice would be loved. Thank you.
nature Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I'll tell you from a woman's perspective, after going through something similar with a guy once upon a time. She has her walls up. You hurt her terribly by saying you were unsure about marriage, kids, etc. Most women see that as a huge red flag, if that is something they want. Especially after she gave how many yrs of her life to you. You were still being hesitant about it. Even tho you later said you did want it, you still didn't act on it or make any move forward to secure the relationship. then when you trashed the whole idea of engagments rings, you crushed her dream. Probably a dream she'd had since a little girl. To have a man fall in love with her, think she was so worthy, that he presented her with a beautiful ring. Intead, you talked negatively about the whole aspect. You crushed her dreams with the wishy washiness about marriage, kids, and then you hammered the nail on the coffin with putting down engagement rings. She probably just saw you as negative, negative, negative....and it turned her off. Sure, we all know engagement rings are over-priced, etc. But it's still the tradition, and obviously, the idea of an engagement ring mattered to this girl. You really squashed her dreams by talking negatively about it. A lot of sports cars, etc are overpriced, but it doesn't stop people from still dreaming about having them. To her, the thought that you see engagement rings negatively, just made her say, "forget it...this guy is so un-chivalrous and so un-romantic...what a bafoon." Sometimes old traditions need to be cherished. There is a reason they became traditions in the first place. The engagment ring became a symbol of a man's love for a woman, and the ring signifies eternal devotion and love. To speak negatively about it, even referring to the cost, just turned her right off. This is why she's lost the spark for you. She's thinking, this guy can't even be bothered to go thru the courtship process with me, has spoken negatively about marriage and kids in the past, and now even speaks negatively about engagement rings. That's why the spark went flat. You crushed all of her idealism and dreams. And when you do that to a woman, she loses interest. You need to romance her. Obviously romance and courtship matter to this woman, whether they matter to you or not. Go buy her a gorgeous engagement ring. Get down on one knee, tell her you were sorry, you were trying to sound cool, and that you think she is worth every bit the price of the ring, and more. The ring is a symbol of your love. And she wants to wear it proudly to show her love for you. You basically shat on her quiet dream. So now she's thinking, what's the point. This guy is so jaded. This guy is lazy. Be old fashioned. Be a gentleman. It obviously matters to this woman. It doesn't matter to all women, but to yours, it obviously does. So act appropriately and give her the old fashioned courtship and romance she's dreamed about. You can change this situation. But sitting around sending her emails isn't going to help. Go watch one of the old movies like, I don't know? lol Maybe Rob Roy or one of the movies where the man treats the woman like a prize. Oh I know...watch The Notebook. That will show you what she wants. Real love where you are willing to go to no end to show her.
Author techfan Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Nature, Thanks so much for the response.... its not at all what I expected. It is hopeful sounding from what you said but i would love to hear what others think as well about the subject. I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a second even though i love what you had to say which makes me happy and hopeful but i'm not sure if thats what i need. We've been broken up for over two weeks and while thats not a long time at all per se, she has been detaching herself for the past few months for sure. Even by showing her with action that I want to be with her, opposed to just saying it to her face and via email, is great but i can't force her to feel different about me. She said in the email back to me (the last i ever heard from her) that "i know how much you love me and i love you too but i don't think its the same way and i'm so sorry about that. I should have been more open but i wasnt and there is nothing i can do to change that now. i dont know if it would have made a difference though." It seems pretty cut and dry and to this extent. I want to prove to her my love but am not going to get down on one knee to try and 'fix' the problem. That seems desperate to the point of pathetic in my opinion. I messed up bad with the comments about the engagement ring and my hesitations I know. But your comment on 'real love' interests me. As i see it and from what I know, real love takes effort. On both parts.... Love takes work, anyone married for a long time will tell you this. Work is the foundation of good relationships. Our relationship was so great that we never really had any issues.... we were so good together because of it. And now this issue comes along and I wanted to work on it but she obviously pulled away without telling me as a defense mechanism it seems. And she doesn't want to work on it because at this point she feels differently. Isn't that kind of a test of the relationship waters to begin with? I feel like a relationship is not tested in the good times but in the bad. And if she's not willing to try and work it out then maybe she isn't the fighter I need. Or do you think that this all falls on my shoulders and that she really wants to see effort on my part alone to prove my love for her despite both our mistakes? At this point it seems like a bit of a game which makes it much harder and more confusing. I'm sticking with NC while i think about this a lot and talk to others, but in the meantime I would love to hear other peoples thoughts on the matter. I love the idea of hope, but should i hang onto it at all? It seems to dull the pain but im not sure if this possible false hope will delay my healing. Or is there someone out there that i need to bitc*slap some sense into me? Thanks for reading all my ramblings. Much appreciated.
Author techfan Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Tom?, Trialbyfire?, Geisha? BCCA? Any of you guys or others have a few minutes to help me out and offer thoughts and advice?
nature Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I'm a little scared to say this, because i don't want to hurt you. But I get the intuitive sense that there is somebody else. You say you were in NY all Fall, until NY's. And during that time, you had made negative comments about marriage, engagement ring, etc. Regardless of whether you apologized or not, I just sense that she opened herself up to mtg new people. Especially since you were out of town. She won't tell you this, because she doesn't want to hurt you. It's just my gut instinct. I hope I am wrong.
Author techfan Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Nature, Again thanks for the response... Im happy at least you are helping me talk this out even though i could use others advice badly. As for another person i doubt it. If that was the case i WISH she would have told me cause then i could move on easier knowing that it was a dealbreaker.... We have always been totally honest with each other and promosed each other if that were to ever happen we'd let the other know... And when i asked her she looked me dead in the eyes and told me no so i dont feel it was that. If it was i think the pain moght be harsher and quicker bit at least i wouldnt cling to false hope. So assuming it is a definite no, so you really feel like what you said in your first post? Thanks. And please anyone else throw me some advice. You all rock.
lonelygurl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'll tell you from a woman's perspective, after going through something similar with a guy once upon a time. She has her walls up. You hurt her terribly by saying you were unsure about marriage, kids, etc. Most women see that as a huge red flag, if that is something they want. Especially after she gave how many yrs of her life to you. You were still being hesitant about it. Even tho you later said you did want it, you still didn't act on it or make any move forward to secure the relationship. then when you trashed the whole idea of engagments rings, you crushed her dream. Probably a dream she'd had since a little girl. To have a man fall in love with her, think she was so worthy, that he presented her with a beautiful ring. Intead, you talked negatively about the whole aspect. You crushed her dreams with the wishy washiness about marriage, kids, and then you hammered the nail on the coffin with putting down engagement rings. She probably just saw you as negative, negative, negative....and it turned her off. Sure, we all know engagement rings are over-priced, etc. But it's still the tradition, and obviously, the idea of an engagement ring mattered to this girl. You really squashed her dreams by talking negatively about it. A lot of sports cars, etc are overpriced, but it doesn't stop people from still dreaming about having them. To her, the thought that you see engagement rings negatively, just made her say, "forget it...this guy is so un-chivalrous and so un-romantic...what a bafoon." Sometimes old traditions need to be cherished. There is a reason they became traditions in the first place. The engagment ring became a symbol of a man's love for a woman, and the ring signifies eternal devotion and love. To speak negatively about it, even referring to the cost, just turned her right off. This is why she's lost the spark for you. She's thinking, this guy can't even be bothered to go thru the courtship process with me, has spoken negatively about marriage and kids in the past, and now even speaks negatively about engagement rings. That's why the spark went flat. You crushed all of her idealism and dreams. And when you do that to a woman, she loses interest. You need to romance her. Obviously romance and courtship matter to this woman, whether they matter to you or not. Go buy her a gorgeous engagement ring. Get down on one knee, tell her you were sorry, you were trying to sound cool, and that you think she is worth every bit the price of the ring, and more. The ring is a symbol of your love. And she wants to wear it proudly to show her love for you. You basically shat on her quiet dream. So now she's thinking, what's the point. This guy is so jaded. This guy is lazy. Be old fashioned. Be a gentleman. It obviously matters to this woman. It doesn't matter to all women, but to yours, it obviously does. So act appropriately and give her the old fashioned courtship and romance she's dreamed about. You can change this situation. But sitting around sending her emails isn't going to help. Go watch one of the old movies like, I don't know? lol Maybe Rob Roy or one of the movies where the man treats the woman like a prize. Oh I know...watch The Notebook. That will show you what she wants. Real love where you are willing to go to no end to show her. I like how you say about the romanace. My X always told me the first time around seven years ago how romantic he was. When I was thinking about stuff the other day I realized ya he was romantic until he moved in....which was both time fairly quick and that was the end of romance. I also realized and remember how he never really did any of the little things like went to the movie store to rent movies for us to watch like I always did, or asked to go to dinner, or out to a movie.....it was always me. His idea was lets run around and shop, which for me wasn't fun and not exactly spending "quality" time together since I worked retail. He once planned a weekend away. I had planned more than one. I had also recently offered for another weekend but by then he had already lost interest and couldn't be bothered. He followed all the same patterns as the first time. I realize I don't think he knows what is really involved in what it takes to keep a long term relationship going.....maybe this is what has happened to OP as well. Eventually women give up too.
Narf Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hello, Just my opinion... I think you need to move on... The damage was done over the space of the whole relationship, i think her priorities and yours didnt match and she took all your words about marriage and kids as if you were saying never... Even thou that isnt what you ment... I totally agree that she distanced herself over a long period of time... I dont think this is totally your fault she needed to talk to you about it before it got this far.. However that isnt always easy... If she honestly felt you were anti marriage and kids with her, it wouldnt be a good topic for her to bring up... I think the NC is good and you should stick to it... You sent the email to try one last time and she replied not with maybes but with she doesnt feel that way anymore... Decision has been made even if it was made on a misunderstanding
Truly Lost Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I know the feeling you are going through. Its really painful to have someone you love so much just let you go. Its good that you are aware of all the details that led to the break up. She probably can't help feeling the way she feels. She said she might regret her decision, but you really should give her time alone to make that assessment. Unfortunately it will probably take a few months if not longer. Her decision to break up with you wasn't a spur of the moment thing. I'm sure she thought long and hard about it. You have to admit that you learned something from this. Women are really sensitive to things like marriage and having kids. Especially if its something they really want. Its never a good idea to simplify that type of need. Its what completes some people. I think that maybe she never really grasped the fact that you do want those things, only because she is just thinking about when you initially down played the consept of marriage/having kids. Or your friends did that for you. I wouldn't send any message to her on her birthday. Why? It will only upset you when she doesn't respond or responds with just a "Thanks". Its not going to get her back. Give her time, but don't expect that it will rekindle your relationship. You have no way of knowing for sure if that will happen. I'm exactly where you are. I feel so hopeful and at the same time feel like a reconciliation is hopeless. Give yourself time to heal. If she wants you back she will contact you. Besides, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
Author techfan Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 You guys are right and thanks for the advice....im sticking with NC.... i need to heal and if nothing else at least i feel i can walk away knowing i wanted to make things work.... i was the committed one who wanted to work it out through thick and thin.... even though I am to blame for the issues, most of them at least. It's just tough to kill all hope and thats the problem i am having. On a side note anyone know how long it takes before you are allowed to send private messages to other users of this board? Thanks for the advice all and anymore would be appreciated as this is really hanging me up and I'm trying to move on..... good words help me focus, so thank you all for that.
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