Owl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 So there you go...he's cheating on her...he's just not had the chance to "hook up" with you again. Ergo...it's still an affair, and you're still the OW. Simple stuff when you get down to it. The question is...are you ok with being the person he's cheating with?
Author babycakes112 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Well no, i don't want to be responsible for possibly breaking up a marriage. I guess thats wht would happen if the wife realised. I guess knew deep down the conversations weren't 'normal' but i was telling myself it was ok because he didn't call me at home like everyday or anything maybe only once a month even less sometimes? What do i do? I don't want to ruin our working relationship, making things difficult at work so i don't want to have to say anything to him. Do i just not pick up when he calls at home? Or reply to his messages asking if i'm free to talk? I just hope im strong enough, because even though i know its not right i still am so attracted to him
Owl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What you DO is simple...it's not easy, but it's simple. And...it's very likely going to be critical to your career...or his. You need to have a one-time, very VERY firm conversation with him. And you need to tell him point blank, without any hint of caving in, that it's OVER. The relationship between the two of you needs to go back to being BUSINESS ONLY. It HAS to...for his marriage, for his career, for your career. Tell him that what's gone on is WRONG, and you will no longer participate. You don't have to get mad in this, but you have to be FIRM. And crystal clear in what you're saying. In other words, set a boundary. Make it clear that things between you have crossed that line, and you are now "bringing them back" to where they NEED to be at. Tell him that there will be NO further contact between the two of you other than work related ONLY. That's ALL forms of communication...calls, IM's, emails...and there will be NO contact between the two of you outside of work...in any fashion. And...you no longer want to be put in a position where this could happen again. No business trips, after hours work togethers, etc... Again...you don't have to be mean...but you do have to be VERY firm. Very BUSINESS-LIKE. And it's up to you to make that stick as well.
JustBreathe Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Ooooo this is what I get for browsing over on this board. B-cakes, sit down and ask yourself what the heck are you doing. Call up your mother, your older sister, your auntie, anyone you can trust and ask what you should do, then listen to the advice given. Babycakes: The man is old enough to be your father. He's been around women alot longer than you've been around men. He knows how to play this game very well. HE needs to feel younger, sexier, smarter, more virile, a nicer guy than he really is, adventurous, hansome, daring and powerful. He's getting older and he can't get it any other way except from a young woman who hasn't been used by an older cheater like himself. He knows you need to feel self confident, alluring, beautiful, mature, sexy and powerful. He knows what to say to make you feel that way, not because he cares about YOU, but because he needs you to feel those things so that you will be better able to shore up his own aging, sagging ego. So while you really feel for this man, he does not truly feel for you in the same way. It's all about HIM, babycakes, not you. The man is married. He HAS a family. You and he will never have anything real together unless he gets divorced and it doesn't sound like he's going to be doing that anytime soon. The most that can happen is you will have sex a few times and then it's done. He will tire of his seduction game and dump you as you have no future together. It'd be nice if it ended there, but it won't end there. THEN you'll have to run into him at work functions. He may tell his buddies on the job. It may get around to other people you work with. Are you ready to deal with that? Maybe it's time to get another job and get away from this man.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I don't think he'd tell anyone at work he has too much to loose he is very high up in the business. He told me when we had the 'oh so guilty' talk right after it happened that if anyone at work found out it would be because i had told them. Just lately i can't get him out of my head no matter what i do he is on my mind. I've been longing for him to call after work but he hasn't apart from Monday night which was our first real out of work chat since 'that night' Thats something i don't get if he was into me i feel like he would make more of an effort to be in touch more regular. I know you are all right that i just need to walk away from this situation. I don't know how i have managed to let myself get so into him when i have no real reason too...
JustBreathe Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Oh, babycakes, you do need to walk away. You are setting yourself to be deeply hurt because he will only use you, then dump you once the chase is over. Maybe he knows you won't tell because he's higher up than you. He sneaks around behind her back. What makes you think he won't do the same to you later on down your relationship? Sweetie, at your age, there are lots of single men to choose from. Go that route instead and you will be much happier and feel better about yourself in the long run. Go cold turkey, babycakes. Just tell him you're not feeling good about things and please to not call you anymore. Then stick to it no matter what. In time, he will only be a memory and you will be glad you didn't reduce yourself and stuck to your true beliefs about yourself. This is the time in your life to have fun, go dancing with your girlfriends, party a little, go on some dates with single available men more your age, to discover who you are, not to sit around mooning over something that is destined to fail.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I think part of the reason i keep dwelling on it is me thinking that he has already gotten bored with me because we haven't talked so much since it happened because although we didn't sleep together that night we got pretty close to it and now maybe he thinks i was too easy a conquest or something, the first time we are alone we end up in bed. Maybe im just looking too far into it, maybe he is trying to distance himself from me if he is genuinally sorry for it happening, or maybe its because its been the holidays, or maybe there hasn't been many convenient times.... Agh, i need to get a grip!
JustBreathe Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Work on babycakes. Go cold on him. Cold turkey. Older men want to chase women and once they have them, they disrespect them. Go cold turkey and in a few months, it won't matter to you anymore and you'll be glad you didn't go there with this man. Go out, have some FUN, do something that makes you feel GOOD, not that makes you feel sad and confused. Enjoy being young because t doesn't last forever. I wish I was 22 and had my whole life ahead of me. I did some things i regret when I was young. Later in life you look upon your mistakes and sorrow for them and wish you had done things differently. Screwing around with this man will be one of these regrets if you go there.
jj33 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Well at least now you know its your ego talking. Do not under any circumstances let this go further just to prove to yourself that he still wants you. You are 22 - and single and fun and great - he is old enough to be your father - of COURSE he wants you if he can have you no strings attached. Just leave it at that - know in your heart that you are attactive and wonderful. Dont prove it to yourself by getting involved with this guy - it will only end in tears - yours. Havent you read the posts here?
Lucky_One Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 He could be worried about his career or his reputation at work. He's very high up at the company? Yep - the director of HR or the CEO would NOT like to hear about him seducing a 22 year old new employee. Hopefully, you stop this dangerous behavior before you get caught, and you become "the trampy admin from the third floor".
2sure Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Thats something i don't get if he was into me i feel like he would make more of an effort to be in touch more regular. He isnt going to be in touch "more regular" now for 2 reasons: 1. He has already chatted you up, given you enough attention and compliments to get what he wanted. You've shown him nothing more is required. Your OK with him being married, your OK with not dating...you'll put out for flirty conversation. Why on earth would he make more effort?? 2. Its possible he sensed you may be very interested in him or and may have felt you might tell someone and now thinks you are more of a risk than he did before. I cant understand why anyone wants to be involved with a MM - but honestly, why be involved with one who so clearly will do nothing to make it to your advantage?
jj33 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I don't think he'd tell anyone at work he has too much to loose he is very high up in the business. He told me when we had the 'oh so guilty' talk right after it happened that if anyone at work found out it would be because i had told them. And if you believe that.... Some men talk. Men who cheat are far more likely to talk. They break rules. And they see themselves as studs and players. And if he sees it as naughty which he does (guilt etc) there is something to share. He may not tell anyone. But he might. Dont even go there. Just tell him that it was a mistake that he is married and you cant get involved. When he calls dont pick up. If he texts tell him you cant have any involvement with him outside of work to please stop contacting you outside of work and SAVE the text. In case you need it in the future. Even if he doesnt tell anyone, people will know. You are unlikely to be the first woman in the company he has hit on. (sorry but odds are you are not). People may be used to seeing him flit from one to the next but you would have no way of knowing that. You are playing with fire and HE is the one who is high up in the company. Unless you are some sort of whiz kid, if things get uncomfortable who do you think would lose their job? Not him... Do you WANT to put your job on the line in this economy? Do you want to leave without a reference? Do you want to have to explain that you lost your job beause you slept with a married hotshot who was high up in management? Hes a player plain and simple. Stop it NOW.
bluebayou Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Just reading your first post, it certainley seems to me that, although he felt guilty initially, he wants to do it again. You cannot be certain or not whether he is a player or an expert at this. What you do next is entirely up to you, but make sure you know the consequences to expect if you go for seconds...
jj33 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Have to disagree with you there Blue. Married man looking for flirty conversation and sex on the side with a 22 year old who is young enough to be his daughter? player or pathetic written all over it. Its that simple.
KismetGirl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hi, The MM that i spent a night with a few months ago was speaking to me last night. Its the first time we have spoken out of work for a while mainly because of the holidays. If you want to read my situation with this guy its in this link - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174767/ In short, it is a man from out of town who i know from work. We have had a flirty friendship for a long time over e mail and phone. He started phoning me out of work hours in secret etc etc. Im 22 he is 44. In i think it was November, we went out for drinks. We ended up an a hotel room where he was staying and did everything but sleep with each other. The next day he tells me he is guilty for his wife, it can't happen again. Obviously i totally understand but if he told me he wanted a casual relationship when he was in town, i would of agreed. Anyway, we were talking last night, he tells me he is attracted to me and he likes me then something was said about the night we spent and he mentioned 'next time'. I didn't know what to say. Why tell me nothing more can happen with us, then mention a 'next time' a few months later. I don't know if it was meant jokingly, or seriously. I can't decide if this man does want me, and has decided he wants something to happen or if he is just playing with me and my emotions. I know i should be keeping well away, but i can't get the man out of my head, i am very much 'in lust' with him. speaking from personal experience, stay away. you don't have a vested relationship with him, or a history. you're just attracted to him alot. It'll be alot harder if you fall in love with him. And besides, he's a little old for you....not that there's anything wrong with certain age gaps, but let's be honest, a 22 year old and a 44 year old are at completely different phases in their lives. the man could be your father. Im only 26, so dont think im some old fart telling you you're being naive. Just speaking from experience how hard it is to break off a relationship once you fall for the person....my MM is only 8 years older than me, but its been four years and ive fallen in love with him and it gets near impossible for me to stay away from him. it's heart breaking.
jj33 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Im only 26, so dont think im some old fart telling you you're being naive. is there any reason you need to take pot shots at posters who are more mature than yourself? Our experience and views are certainly at least as valid as yours.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I saw the guy on Monday. He was up visiting this office with some of the other people that work in his office in NJ. I might as well have been dead to him, he barely acknowledged my existance. He said hi to me and that was all and flashed a few quick smiles when we caught each others eye. When he works at this office his desk is a few metres away from mine so we normally have a lot of conversation when he is here. But this time, nothing. We didn't even go get a drink like normal. How can he phone me the other night and be so friendly, flirty, talk about 'next time' tell me how he likes me, but when he sees me barely say a word. I know its not to happen again, i know that, and if i believe what he says he doesn't intend it happening again but he did say one thing, that if nothing more goes on we would still talk and be friends. My only friend i have told about this says that he is probably just staying away from temptation while he is around me, or he feels shy/nervous but still talking on the phone to me because while there is distance between us nothing can happen. I can't understand why he didnt say more than hi. Even when we were just work friends before we started getting close he spoke to me a lot more.
Owl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 He didn't say anything more than "hi" because he doesn't want to get caught sleeping around on his wife with co-workers. He's afraid that if the two of you start spending time together, he's going to get busted. You can bet that the flirty conversations will resume the moment he gets that quiet opportunity to get away with it. I'd even further bet that the conversations will resume with him apologizing for his coldness, or telling you how hard it was for him to act cold when it's not what he really wanted to do (gag!). You can bet it WILL happen again unless YOU are the one who takes active measures to prevent it from doing so.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I can see what you are saying but does he think that now if he speaks to me in company i would rip his clothes off right there in the office or something I would just be as normal as i always am whenever he has had a conversation with me. Why would he think people would all of a sudden start guessing now, if they haven't guessed in the past two years of us knowing one another
Lucky_One Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I remember walking into a hotel when I was having an EMA; MM was already upstairs waiting for me. I thought everyone in the five surrounding counties was watching me, and knowing exactly what i was doing. It was a horrible 3 minutes of my life! I go into hotels all the time traveling for work. I check in, and then am in and out all day for a few days. Big deal. No one cares when they see a single woman walk through a hotel lobby going to the elevators without a suitcase in hand. I was paranoid bc I was guilty of doing something wrong. This guy is, too. He's been f*cking around on his wife, and now he is scared to death that he will get busted at work and get a sexual harassment lawsuit or get fired for fraternization. Like I said before, damnif I am going to be intimate with someone and then they tell me that they regret it, and then don't stay in contact, then I sure would have enough self-respect to not become their repeated booty call.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Like I said before, damnif I am going to be intimate with someone and then they tell me that they regret it, and then don't stay in contact, then I sure would have enough self-respect to not become their repeated booty call. Im not intending on it happening again but i just want to at least be civil with him. Have conversations at work and have a joke with him like i used to, but if he doesn't even have the decency to do that then he really is not the man i thought he was. Don't worry, i won't give him the satisfaction of having me as a booty call who he thinks he can treat like trash when he feels like it!
jj33 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Babycakes as other said dont be surprised if he starts the flirty calls again and explains that he cant be seen to be too friendly to you at the office or there could be problems. He doesnt want to be found out. But welcome to OW land. This is what its like. Its not fun. Its not good for your self esteem. Its just not good. Sorry you had to experienc that but good for you for deciding its not what you want for yourself. You deserve much better.
Author babycakes112 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I have had this going round in my head since monday. The only reasons i can think of him not speaking are 1 - Like some people have said, because something has happened he doesnt want to get found out. Not that he would. If we stop talking like normal then people will think something is wrong? If we carried on as normal it would be less obvious... 2 - He got what he wanted now he wants nothing more to do with me 3 - He really does feel bad for what happened so is trying not to put himself in the situation again, distance himself from me if he really does have feelings. Not that there is any chance anything would happen in the office..If he doesnt want it to happen again, dont ask me out. I wish he would just be honest. If he had a problem with me or what happen i'd prefer he tells me rather than does the cold shoulder approach. If it was the other way around i would be honest with him.
jj33 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 It does suck to get the mixed signals. But be really careful. You are already falling into the trap of wanting to know what he thinks why he is doing this. Dont let him reel you in. It hurts to be cold shouldered, but if he does come back and explain just tell him uh huh and dont dont dont get sucked into it all again. Its a slippery slope.
MSUE Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 You seem to have develop a strong attachment to MM in your head...He is just playing games...whether this is the first time he's done this or not who's to know? but what positive could come out of a next time besides a couple of orgasms? Granted those are great but seriously?!?
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