kizik Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Do you need these things? How do you get through life without them? Let me tell you where I'm coming from. I'm a great guy, but have few friends, and no girlfriend. Sometimes it's hard to keep thinking of myself as great, though, when I get easily depressed and have no one to lean on.
ruggy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Nope. I prefer no one knows about me or who I am. Makes things easier. I prefer the You Can't See Me Coming way of life.
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I think I do. I think perhaps a person thats truly faced and conquered a lot in life possibly can find true and constant validation and approval from within...but I don't think that's common to be honest. We don't exist as secular beings in a vaccuum and usually when we do retreat to that way of life, we lose esteem. I've been depressed and agrophobic and completely cut myself off from people and my self-esteem has plummetted. I think you do need validation and approval from others. It's kind of like if at work you do a good job and you KNOW you're doing a good job - you can still validate yourself for doing a good job but you do need now and then for someone to say "you did a great job" - otherwise you don't feel appreciated.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Hmm Kizik, I don't know if anyone is supposed to think of themselves as "great". I have some left over slices of the humble pie you gave me. Hope you like your own cooking Approval and Validation is very basic, and desired by all. Some have re-routed their emotions and ways of thinking in order to avoid the desires for those, usually because of fear/insecurity that they'll just be repeatably turned down if they try. That's whats up with Mr. ? up there who said he'd rather no one knows him. He may truly be happy (or think he is) by being a mystery. Such things usually lead to NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) when they're allowed to grow and fester. Why you feel you need those though? It could be insecurity. Doubts about yourself. Probably something that happened while growing up. Why do you think you do not have a girlfriend? Have you TRIED looking instead of the attitude some people seem to talk about of "letting them find you"? If you HAVE tried, where are some places you generally look? (Such as libraries, starbucks, etc).
bubblegum Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Contentment does come from within Kizik, you're right. But what feeds contentment is not solely internal, it is a meeting of the internal and the external. Contentment is about choosing to be satisfied with the level of approval and validation that one is currently getting from life (the external), be it from achieving work/educational/financial goals, working toward and maintaining a certain level of physical fitness, etc etc... and listening to and accepting the feedback of those we value in our life. The choice is internal, what we are making choices about is external. When we talk about the narcissists, the borderlines, those who are empty inside, we are talking about people who have not chosen to accept that enough is enough to leave them feeling validated. That is why they suck up all the love and kindness one person can give them and then declare that person is now useless to me, they don't give me enough, I NEED MORE!!! They want it all. They are the horders on the table of fulfillment. The so-called perfectionists say they are only content and valid when what they are doing is exactly right. In reality, nothing is exactly right... thus they are chasing their tails and are never actually content. They are actually depressed and insecure. Lately you get easily depressed I guess, because you are not meeting the level of validation and approval you've chosen as what you need. Maybe you aren't looking around and finding enough sources of validation? A significant other can be a great source, as can friends. But they are not the only sources. Perhaps widening the scope a bit, increasing the opportunity for other sources to satisfy that need will help. Perhaps at some time in the past you've concluded that a guy having a loving SO inherently says something about the value of that guy on this earth. I'd argue that's a false conclusion. Further, don't confuse lonliness with discontent and feeling invalid in life.
ruggy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 To each there own Tommy. We all go to hell in our own special way.... Some choose to depend and rely on others, a few choose to only depend on themselves for everything.
Author kizik Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I think you do need validation and approval from others. ...you do need now and then for someone to say "you did a great job" - otherwise you don't feel appreciated. Yes, I don't really get a "good job" from too many people - it's hard to know if you're making a difference at all, you know? Hmm Kizik, I don't know if anyone is supposed to think of themselves as "great". I have some left over slices of the humble pie you gave me. If you read my post at all, you will understand that I am at a tough point in my life, and that I'm calling myself great b/c no one else is. It could be insecurity. Doubts about yourself. Probably something that happened while growing up. Tom, while you've got a good sense of humor, a lot of the time you come off as a condescending @#$% who pretends to know psychology and doesn't. The result is a retarded half-analysis that doesn't help me or anyone. You've got an ego the size of a blimp. Maybe I should be more like you? Why do you think you do not have a girlfriend? Have you TRIED looking instead of the attitude some people seem to talk about of "letting them find you"? If you HAVE tried, where are some places you generally look? (Such as libraries, starbucks, etc). What a totally ridiculous question. Based on your posts, you are just as guilty of needing validation as myself and anyone else out there. You basically need a girlfriend yourself, to feel worthy. Do you think I care about finding a girlfriend? And do you think that's the ultimate goal in life? Lately you get easily depressed I guess, because you are not meeting the level of validation and approval you've chosen as what you need. Maybe you aren't looking around and finding enough sources of validation? A significant other can be a great source, as can friends. But they are not the only sources. Perhaps widening the scope a bit, increasing the opportunity for other sources to satisfy that need will help. True, great words. I've been working on making friends with some folks I know. Friendship is actually the most important thing to me right now. Perhaps at some time in the past you've concluded that a guy having a loving SO inherently says something about the value of that guy on this earth. I'd argue that's a false conclusion. Sure, I've probably concluded that. I don't believe it anymore, but yes it is hard to see the whole world in love, and knowing I'm a great guy and don't have anyone. Thanks for the helpful words (some of you).
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I'm sorry my friend I don't mean to come off as condescending or anythin. I am an egotistical ass though. Yeah dude we are definitely tight
Author kizik Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 PS. The reason I don't "look" for a GF is b/c is makes me feel desperate and pathetic. Right now, dude, I am working on myself. And it's hard to work on yourself when you're always on the prowl for something.
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