Chinook Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 DSM - I've been on Loveshack for a while and I've seen you give pretty good advice. So I'm going to take the risk of giving you this straight. 1. It doesn't really matter whether she's dumb, stupid or heartless. 2. You don't actually care whether she texts you or contacts you or not. 3. I suspect, whether you admit it or not, that her contacting you gives you as much of an ego boost as it gives her. Therefore... 4. For this situation to change you need to take control of it. You have both become a habit to each other which neither will completely break. If you care about the new girl as much as you say you do and you care about your self respect, you would cut off this ex girlfriend and make sure it stays that way. When it comes down to it mate... it doesn't matter how much psychologising we do, or how much analysing and navel gazing we do... it doesn't change the situation. What changes the situation is doing something about it. If she's having a negative impact on your life (and not all exes do) then cut her off. It's really simple. No emails. No text messages. No phonecalls. No smoke signals. No carrier pigeons. Zero Zilch Nada But... If you're not sure and you think there may be a way back some day... keep doing what you're doing and allow her and the situation to wreak havoc. Not meaning to sound derogatory there but, sometimes our exes only continue the way they are because they sense and feel that something inside of us which they know they can use to their advantage and in replying and responding, you're feeding that avenue of contact for her. So your recent no contact is a good thing. Keep it up.
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Yes, being trained in psychology changes how we communicate. And I think it can come off as arrogant and critical when we try to talk to people we love. WE know the DSM is simply a way of categorizing behavior, not defining an entire person, but the language we use is a short-cut to describing groups of behavior, and can sound quite judgmental. I always laugh when I see you respond to someone's post with a quick and to-the-point response like "research Borderline PD." I get where you're coming from with your responses. But I can see how others might see them as labeling and judgmental, when really what you're doing is trying to direct the poster toward understanding how when a person displays a group of character traits, the traits are impervious and hard-wired...not a random set of actions that accidentally occured, and won't likely repeat themselves in the future. Deeply understanding the DSM is a gift and a curse... and I do think it can cause us interpersonal strife if we are lazy about how we communicate. I think when you first study the guide... it's a bit of a thrill to play the diagnostics game. I know when I first started counselling, I had people labelled within 15 minutes (in my mind) of them coming into my office for a consulation. I was a student then- and totally over-zealous. On the other side of the coin- we'd recieve clients that had spent an hour with a psychiatrist and come into our program nicely packaged and labelled. We'd work with them on a daiy basis, then see a different picture that contradicted the initial diagnosis. BUT- once in the system, and having that label- these people were pigeon holed. I have a copy of Vitality (1904)...that talks about masturbating as a mental disturbance that causes hives, blindless and eventually madness. It is illustrated:). I should have a lumpy scabby face if the masturbation thing is true:p Psychology is still young, still a lot of things to understand. Now we are adding pharmacology into the mix- so there is much to be figured out in terms of progressive treatments. You can have a complete understanding of the catagories, criteria, symptoms, links, triggers and manifestations explained in the maual. But, you can't responsibily diagnose anyone after reading a few posts from strangers. That's just irresponsible. So... after that rant- back to the original question. Is your ex heartless? No, probably more clueless. Is she stupid? Hard to say- does she take the short bus to work? That would be a dead give away.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Lmao some of your guys replies are just awesome... such a D-Lish. Some of your replies are also very intelligent... such as Chinook. Some of your replies are just down to the point and good at what they aim to do. (thegoodguy, bubble, and my dude knight). Thank you all. I get no ego boost when she txts me though, because she isn't txting me asking for reunions or to hang out. (She has before though, and that gave me no ego boost either. Her plans fell through every time though, cuz she'd change her mind). She txts me to provoke me (or did with that Obama txt). That gives me NO ego boost in the slightest... and believe me, I don't want an ego boost. I am content (overly so, perhaps) with myself, and don't need her to boost it. How can anyone say though that her intention is to get back together? I WANTED HER back, and she would make plans that FELL THROUGH EVERY TIME, or just turn me down. How can you say she wants or plans in any way to get back together? I wish that were the case, because I loved this girl so much I'd have walked through the fires of hell while being stabbed repeatadly and shot. But she told me VERY clearly: "I dont want a relationship for I dont know how long. A long time, I can't see myself getting into any relationships for a long time." That lead a pretty clear picture. I never replied to that txt message and I've ignored her ever since...
Chinook Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Tom, just keep walking away from her. You'll feel better for it. I know you loved her, but even those we love are capable of consistently hurting us if we only allow it. Trust me, I know.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Oh I do trust you chinook, you are clearly very intelligent and know what you're talking about. I'd be an idiot to ignore that. I will keep walking away from her until and UNLESS she SPECIFICALLY says she wants to get back together and/or she made a mistake... and is genuine. As for D-Lish, I wanted to comment on your comment on psychology, but I forgot. Psychology is not a proven science. It in its ENTIRETY is a few steps short of USELESS as far as labels and stuff go. When I start to label people, it is usually to shock them into seeking help in the subcategories that make up that label. I know full well that it takes MANY sessions if not months, with full access to the persons past, to diagnose them. And even so, it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to diagnose someone with narcissistic PD. I've also read that histrionic pd, Antisocial pd, and borderline pd, are just different types of narcissistic pd. But in any case, psychology isn't far from useless. The labels do nothing, and our society is going to crumble by clutching on it. How ironic that I'd be the one to say this...
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 ! I think I just had some kind of revelation...... Ok, I think we can all agree that Toms ex is trying to maintain some kind of power over him, and ANY reaction from him (or any of us in that same situation) would yeild a result confirming that she still has the ability to make him...feel. Good or bad. I think my ex is doing the same thing to me by coming into my place of work randomly. And it just hit me that anything short of 100% outwardly not giving a **** is going to show her that I still care...and while obviously I do, I think that we need to take this NC one step further. NC is fantastic for the healing process and I back it 110% but at the same time were my ex to come strolling into my job right now, and I were to take off wouldn't that show her that I still think....ANYTHING of her? Because to me right now she is the lowest of the low. I think I'm going to just try and ignore her when I can but when I am foced to be around her I'm going to be cold, unrelenting, and just straight up unintrested in anything about her... I dunno I could be confusing myself, what do you guys think.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 ! I think I just had some kind of revelation...... Ok, I think we can all agree that Toms ex is trying to maintain some kind of power over him, and ANY reaction from him (or any of us in that same situation) would yeild a result confirming that she still has the ability to make him...feel. Good or bad. I think my ex is doing the same thing to me by coming into my place of work randomly. And it just hit me that anything short of 100% outwardly not giving a **** is going to show her that I still care...and while obviously I do, I think that we need to take this NC one step further. NC is fantastic for the healing process and I back it 110% but at the same time were my ex to come strolling into my job right now, and I were to take off wouldn't that show her that I still think....ANYTHING of her? Because to me right now she is the lowest of the low. I think I'm going to just try and ignore her when I can but when I am foced to be around her I'm going to be cold, unrelenting, and just straight up unintrested in anything about her... I dunno I could be confusing myself, what do you guys think. you're absolutely right knight. indifference towards her. even if it's fake for now (which I'm not sure if it would be fake or not!) it's what will get you through
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 That's whatsup knight you know you're my main man. Keep it real, and act indifferent around the psycho *****.
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I love you guys so much, I feel like I've got some armor to wear today while I'm working (you can tell my job is real hard by how much time I spend on LS lol) oh well.....I think I might not run to my car if she comes in today....bitch doesnt even deserve my rage, or any other emotions I can show her.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 You're right. ***** deserves a bat to the head. I'll show you where the ocean is. Btw, if anyone is wondering what the hell I'm talking about when I say "I'll show you where the ocean is", download the song "What's the difference" by Dr Dre and Eminem. One of the verses goes like this: Dr. Dre: "Slim, I don't know if you noticed it, but I've had your back from day one, **** let's blow this bitch!" Eminem: "If you ever need somebody offed - just tell me, who's throat is it?" Dr Dre: "Well if you ever kill that Kim bitch, I'll show you where the ocean is" God, I love Eminem.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Why's that Jenny? Similar experience? Do tell
thegoodguy Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hmm... I guess I missed some of what you were saying (which I gathered from your replies). I guess she is just messing with you now. No need to analyze it anymore, just cut her off completely. No texts or calls or anything.
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