Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Damn, that's rough nature but sounds accurate. I believe it. And no she doesn't know I have a new gf. She SOMEHOW found my myspace I made after her and saw a bunch of girls talking to me though and she furiously sent a txt mssg saying things like "Oh so you're talking to a ton of girls again? Ok, cool". I replied "Weren't you talking to other guys? Don't gimme that guilt trip, you broke up with me". That was a stalker move on her part, finding my myspace like that and even using a special HTML code to view my HIDDEN comments. I put my myspace on private immediately after, and about a month and a half later started dating this new girl. So no, she has no idea I'm dating her. No reason to tell my ex either. Her ego would deflate real fast though if she knew. But I'm not going to take the path of revenge and pwn her by telling her. It's funny she thinks the ball is in her court, but really she's playing alone.
nature Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Yikes...breaking in to your MYSPACE account? That is insecure behaviour. How long ago did you two break up?? I think what happened here, is she said she "wanted a break" and "some space". Then told you she wants to get back together, but not until after she is finished the "busy time" she has to go through. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. There are always going to be times wherein a relationship is probably not the most convenient, or you cannot devote as much time to it as you like, but it doesn't mean you walk away from the relationship. You have to learn to cope. Somehow brain surgeon's and rocket scientists manage to keep relationships going, and I'm sure they are under as much stress as anyone could be. So "being busy" is no excuse, in my book. Especially when you were there for her and would have done anything. However, by she telling you she wanted to get back together eventually, she assumed you would still be waiting for her whenever that time came. So in the mean time, she throws you out a few tid bits to keep you biting. To make sure you are still there. You disappearing is not at all what she expected to happen. Especially when you had been devestated at first. She figured you'd be waiting on baited breath for her to swing back into your life. Instead, you have done the opposite. And it has shaken her up. That is why her fishing now. Men do it too...what your ex is doing. My girlfriends and I joke, "oh, he's on a fishing expedition"....tossing out an email or text to you, just to see if you're still there". I've recently experienced this with my ex. I wrote about it under "My Painful, Awful, Sad, Experience". I don't know how to clip in another forum post??? lol But here is the link if you're bored. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t176782/ My ex broke up with me, but still continued to email me. At first I bit. Emailed him back. Even tho he'd ended it with me, he was angry that months after he broke up with me, I ran into my ex-ex and had a brief convo with him. They don't want us, but they dont' want us to move on either. But since before Xmas I've gone in to NC. And haven't heard from him since. It's insulting when someone says they don't want you in their life, yet continue to toss you a few crumbs every now and then. And i think often times, the Dumper dumps the Dumpee, but assumes the Dumpee will be there for them if they should ever decide to come back. This explains your ex. By doing the opposite and moving on and going NC, you have rattled her world. She felt in control of the situation by being the one to break it off. She felt in control by seeing you hurt. But she started to feel less in control when you stopped biting her crumbs. That is why the check-in on your myspace, etc. As much as you like this new girl, do you still have residual feelings for your ex? Or are you at the point wherein you would never go back to her? I sense she is possibly going to get desperate and come to you, once she realizes her fishing isn't working? How long have you been broken up now???? Or should I say, "taking space"??? lol
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 This sounds so much like my situation so I've kept following this thread. You're right about how they react when the tables are turned on them, and you go NC without warning. My ex was a Bud Light model and was used to having men kiss her feet. She also claimed that at age 30 she had never been dumped by any man. I just happened to be the latest "victim", and I got the "let's be friends" speech. I too got the occasional text or phone call for about two months until I had enough and went NC without warning. Amazing how they react when they can't have their way. I've been NC for almost six months now and have absolutely no intention of ever talking to her again.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Nature, very wise. Very interesting observations. Very intelligent. We have been broken up a few months now. About 3. Do I still have some feelings for her? Yes. But do I have stronger feelings for the new girl? Yes. But would I go back to my ex if I knew she changed? Even though my new gf looks better and is better, my new gf has a past of short relationships. My new gf says I'm different and we'll last for so long, though, but I'm somewhat insecure due to her past. So I honestly don't know what I'd do. The truth is I'd have to see how I felt at the moment my ex said it, and I'd sum up what was good or bad at that moment with my current gf. I wouldn't just drop her though most likely. I can be pretty damn cold but I can't **** over someone who cares about me. So I'd think long and hard. It'd depend if I really felt and believed my ex had changed, and also, if my current gf and me weren't going to last. As for you gere... I'd love to laugh at your ex. She brags about being a bud light model? And she's never been dumped? Right. She's an insecure narcissist. Tell her to come brag when she is an Emporio Armani model. Or a Calvin Klein model. Damn narcissists.
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 DSM-IV Tom, you're right on. Amazing how some people have this inflated opinion of themselves. When you made the comment about your new girlfriend having a series of short relationships, I thought you were talking about my ex (lol). From what I wa able to determine, she always did the leaving before she was left, or was picking "losers" that would never leave her because of her looks and/or sexual prowress. I once read that if someone has a series of abrupt breakups, that's an indication that they're a psycho and no matter how you treat them they'll find a way to sabotage things. Not saying your new girl is that way at all since I don't know her, but my ex was. I just happened to be the latest "victim", however, I slammed the door shut for good by going NC. You're exactly right; my ex is an insecure narcissist. They way I see things is that eventually they'll get what they deserve.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Damn Gere that upsets me that you got put through that. She will (and is everyday) getting what she deserves by being trapped in the cell of narcissism, which arises from DEEP insecurities. Everyday is a hell for her, and there is no hope in sight. (And there never will be). Narcissism is a death sentence, and what she's living is only a condemned, prisoners life out in our world.
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks DSM-IV Tom. I've come to realize that she's not worth it and has left every single man she's been involved with. She's been divorced twice (before age 30) so that should've been a flag with me from the onset. She also told me a couple of "breakup stories" with a sense of twisted pride and arrogance about how she ended it with a couple of other guys. One which really sticks out is how she walked out of a restaurant when one proposed to her (almost a runaway bride thing). I think to women like that the whole thing is a game, but you're right about the torment they go through everyday dealing with their narcisstic "demons". It's taken a while for me to realize this, but I'm better off and she may have done me a favor. Pity the next poor guy.
bubblegum Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Gere51 -- you mean it's as if she takes pride in the fact that she always leaves other people? Even if it's heartlessly?
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 She also told me a couple of "breakup stories" with a sense of twisted pride and arrogance about how she ended it with a couple of other guys. This will catch up on her one day. Karma. Also...remember, there are two sides to every story. You are only hearing her version. And it may be very far from the truth. I know people who have gotten dumped, couldn't handle the ego blow, so they twisted the story around in to their version, and to the world, they talk about how they did the dumping. Someone who feels the need to speak about how they dumped someone and hurt them, is usually hiding something. They are still trying to convince themselves that they weren't the one who got dumped. So they "overly" talk about it years after, claim they did the dumping, to still try to build their ego up from the fall it took. And she was doing this to you, to make you believe she was this heavenly creature that every man wants. That she is a heart breaker. Men fall in love with her all the time, and she dumps them. I don't believe it. If it were the truth, she wouldn't talk about it.
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yep, it was almost as if she were bragging about that fact that she's left every man she was ever involved with. I'm sure she's talking about me the same way after I went NC, which is not the kind of treatment she's used to from men. I'd love to know what impact, if any, my NC had on her. I'm sure I've been painted as the "bad guy" even though she broke it off with me.
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 She also told me a couple of "breakup stories" with a sense of twisted pride and arrogance about how she ended it with a couple of other guys. This will catch up on her one day. Karma. Also...remember, there are two sides to every story. You are only hearing her version. And it may be very far from the truth. I know people who have gotten dumped, couldn't handle the ego blow, so they twisted the story around in to their version, and to the world, they talk about how they did the dumping. Someone who feels the need to speak about how they dumped someone and hurt them, is usually hiding something. They are still trying to convince themselves that they weren't the one who got dumped. So they "overly" talk about it years after, claim they did the dumping, to still try to build their ego up from the fall it took. And she was doing this to you, to make you believe she was this heavenly creature that every man wants. That she is a heart breaker. Men fall in love with her all the time, and she dumps them. I don't believe it. If it were the truth, she wouldn't talk about it. I fully agree with you. In my opinion, it's all a game to her; i.e., gets what she wants from men in regard to attention, then leaves abruptly. I know I'm better off without her but it still bothers me that I actually bought into what she told me about how much she loved me, thought about me all day, couldn't wait to see me, etc. Makes me feel like an idiot sometimes.
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Gere, how long were you two together? What was her reason for breaking it off with you? Don't feel like an idiot. Yes, she probably is going around talking that way. But who cares. Honestly. LIke I said...karma
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 We were together about 8 months, and she didn't hesitate to inform me that she had "stayed with me" longer than any other man prior, with the exception of her two marriages, both of which lasted about 3 years. She broke it off with me because she claimed that I did not have what it takes to be a father to her two girls. That really caught me off guard because we had never discussed marriage. When we met, she was adament raising her children first, then leaving marriage for later on in life, which sounded like a mature decision to me. However, she was not opposed to having a relationship. She broke it off the day after Memorial Day after having spent the entire week with her mother, and I'm sure that was a BIG influence. Yes, I don't care what she's saying and I've gotten to the point where I do not want her back, even if the opportunity presented itself. The sad part about the situation is that her daughters will be exposed to someone she'll marry for the sake of having a stepfather, and who knows how that will work out? I do understand the importance of children having that positive male influence in their life, but they have a father that spent time with them and from what I could tell was very loving, as he did pay his child support and wanted to spend time with them as much as possible, so I have to credit the guy for that, even though I heard nothing but bad things about him.
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 We were together about 8 months, and she didn't hesitate to inform me that she had "stayed with me" longer than any other man prior, with the exception of her two marriages, both of which lasted about 3 years. Red flags and waring bells, but alas...we always want to believe we will be the one special enough to make it different. How old is this woman? Married twice already? She broke it off with me because she claimed that I did not have what it takes to be a father to her two girls. I almost spit out my drink reading this!!!! This woman is a mother, and this is how she behaves? She claimed you do not have what it takes to be a father? I'd say it's the other way around. She doesn't have what it takes to be a mother. These poor children, having men bounced in and out of their life. What a selfish woman. No she is not being a mother first. She is being a hussy first. Gack, how gross. Those poor children.
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 She just turned 31 and has been divorced twice. At times I think the "father thing" was just an excuse because she met someone she thought was better, but part of me believes that her mother convinced her that she needed a man to help her raise her kids. BTW, her mother is a total flake and cheated on her stepfather thus leading to divorce, but that's beside the point. As for me, I'm only the average guy, but I do not drink or smoke, I attend church regularly, have a solid career, am debt-free with the exception of my home mortgage, am very athletic and work out almost everyday, so it didn't add up. If I were drunk, abusive, fat and out of shape I could see where those things would be a negative influence, so the entire thing still mystifies me. I was also her best friend and always made time for her, at least she told me so.
nature Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 As for me, I'm only the average guy, but I do not drink or smoke, I attend church regularly, have a solid career, am debt-free with the exception of my home mortgage, am very athletic and work out almost everyday, so it didn't add up. It is amazing what people will take for granted when it is right under their nose. An amazing, wonderful person who has values, morals and ethics. I know a lot of women who could only dream to meet a man as committed as you. At 31, she has already been divorced twice? Very sad. I don't think she takes relationships seriously. Clearly not. She bails at the first sign of things not being "honeymoon-stage-perfect". Isn't it amazing how one person out of billions on this planet can affect the way we feel so immensely? I always find it incredible how much affect one person can have on another. Are you determined to get over this woman? You are doing NC, which is good. Is she doing the "let's be friends" thing? I hope you know you deserve so much better, it's not even digestable. But of course, the one's who reject us, often make us question our worth. It's horrendous. Good for you for standing strong. She is the one who loses.
Gere51 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yes, I'm absolutely determined to get over her. I've been dating, only casually, but still I'm getting out there again. You could not be more right about her bailing out after the "honeymoon" phase. When she broke it off I didn't yell, scream, call her names, etc., which is what she is accustomed to with other guys. I did not chase her at all and calmly replied, "OK, you're the Mom, you know best", then walked away. She gave me the bogus "let's be friend's", and I will admit that for about six weeks I did answer her calls and respond to her texts but finally had my "revelation" and cut off contact completely, without warning. Of course, I got the token, "where are you; I'm worried about you, let me know you're ok, etc", and never replied to anything since the first week of August. I believe I'm rid of her for good since I've heard nothing since then, so she's probably figured it out. Remember, she's extremely arrogant and full of herself so in her mind she's "punishing me" by not contacting me anymore. lol
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Why do people care if they were the ones broken up with or not? The break ups are subjective, and just because someone broke up with you doesn't mean someone else will. I broke up with my first gf. My second gf broke up with me. WHO GIVES A DAMN? People and their egos...
bubblegum Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Why do people care if they were the ones broken up with or not? The break ups are subjective, and just because someone broke up with you doesn't mean someone else will. I broke up with my first gf. My second gf broke up with me. WHO GIVES A DAMN? People and their egos... We're talking about a twice-divorced, experienced 31 y.o. woman who claims never to have been dumped. That's significant information, that's why it's interesting Tom. Get back to your Core Issues thread dude, if you actually want to engage in something meaningful. Or do you?
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I replied to you in that topic just now bubble But I wasn't referring to this specific situation, as far as breakups go. Everyone is afraid to say when they've broken up. I wasn't being specific. It's like seriously everybody... and I don't know why. It really, really doesn't matter unless like 10+ people have broken up with you.
You'reasian Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Yes neverlost. So true. There's no easy answer to these questions we pose. Are we crazy? Or are we merely suffering from low self esteem and we take our mistakes too heavily in our minds? Because we all DO make mistakes. No ones perfect. We tend to focus on ours though... is this low self esteem? Narcissism? No... not narcissism... narcissists do not have the ability to accept fault or acknowledge problems... so what the hell is wrong with us? Need to pick our heads up I think you've been in Pittsburgh too long and need to get some sun
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Lmao are you calling me pale? Where should I go though? Florida? California?
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 meh, who cares man. personally I like pale. If you really want to be tan move somewhere warm that isn't in America, otherwise you'd be surrounded by redneck.
bubblegum Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I'm on the west coast... I see no rednecks here, and believe me, I've lived in the land of the f-ing rednecks...
thegoodguy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I don't know if she's stupid or heartless, I honestly think she still thinks she has a chance with you. Based on what I read (I could be wrong) you guys took a break. Usually a break signifies that the relationship is on hold for a while, but it will get back in order eventually. Now what happened was that you fell for someone else while on break (sometimes it happens) and I'm guessing your ex still thought the relationship was due for a reunion. So now, I guess if she does know you're moving on, she's probably jealous or still wanting to get back together with you. It's understandable.. what you have to do is talk to her about it, tell her you found someone else and she should do the same. Simply ignoring her texts will just make things sour for both of you guys.
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