EX's: Stupid, or Heartless?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Let me tell you what's going on with mine.

 

We dated a year. I loved this girl so much I'd willingly take a death bullet to protect her. In fact, I'd take a whole clip from a machine gun if I had to. She was sweet, kind, and everything. (Or so I thought. How cliche).

 

Well, around month 10, she started complaining about a lot of things (Some of which were VERY justified-- like my focus on looks. That's my major flaw. I am vain. I will be up front about that). Well, I started to have an overview on things and I realized she was always selfish and/or apprehensive and standoffish, and this is who she really was. She seemed to almost be missing something in her head. It's tough to put a specific label on this, even knowing psychology's DSM disorders.

 

Alas, I still loved her. (of course). I stayed with her for another 2 months.

 

Around the 12th month, we broke up. She said she wanted a break. It was extremely painful, no joke. Every day was a nightmare, and even night when I was asleep was a different type of literal nightmare. I felt like I had post traumatic stress disorder at this point because it was so horrible. And no, it actually wasn't for another guy. This may be the first "break" in history that didn't involve another guy.

 

Well, anyways, she would keep txting me maybe 1-2 times a week saying she misses me and stuff. I said I missed her too and loved her. But when it became clear things were going nowhere, I truly enforced NC and told her "Don't contact me. I love you and it hurts too much. Contact me only when you want to get back together."

 

She disappeared for a while.

 

Then she contacted me again with a semi long txt talking about how she misses me so much and she can't get back together til she's finally done with this ton of things she has been having to do (And this is legitimate. She truly is busy as hell, and I knew almost 5 months in advance that this time would be so busy for her. So I understood the break).

 

Well, I stuck to telling her to go away since she started being wishy washy. Saying she could hang out and we could have sex but she doesn't want a relationship for a long time now. I told her she knows full well if I wanted to simply have sex I'll go have sex with girls. I basically told her this disgusts me and to disappear and have some respect for herself.

 

Well, low and behold, a new girl came along that changed everything. She wasn't a rebound, she was different. She had the thing my ex never seemed to have. This girl wasn't selfish. She was kind, considerate, outgoing, cared, and was even better looking. (Hey its icing on the cake). After talking to this girl for 2 months I asked her out and we've been dating since.

 

But my ex, even after the repeated times I told her to disappear, continues to txt me. (Which started today).

 

She said "Are you ready for Obama"

 

I wanted to reply "F Obama, he's a tard, and you aren't much above him".

 

But I didn't.

 

So I wonder, is she heartless for trying to keep contact me? Or is she just STUPID.

[bubblegum]

Ha ha that's a great question! Does she know you're seeing someone else now?

 

If she does, she seems arrogant to think keeping in contact is ok, leading me to the heartless side. If she doesn't she may be stupid, because if someone kept telling me to go away, I would.

[DSM-IV Tom]

LOL. Maybe she's a little of both.

 

Here's what really drove the nail into the coffin for me as far as she goes.

 

I told her after she kept txting me useless txts, that she's playing games. One day she wants to hang out this weekend, then the next day, she isn't sure what she wants. I said this is bs, and she's playing games. I told her I'm bout to change my number.

 

She told me maybe I should, because she is having fun without any guys in her life. She said she was happy with her girlfriends. I never replied to that txt, and she txt me new years eve saying happy new years. Never replied to that txt.

 

Then she txt me today, talking about Obama.

 

Never replied to that txt, but told my gf she txt me. (Gotta be honest).

 

It kills me.

[bubblegum]

Ok, I've decided... based on her reactions to what you've said to her, she's heartless! Trying to see if she can use you to entertain herself here and there...

[DSM-IV Tom]

YES bubblegum. You are really intelligent. I give you many props for noticing what I've noticed, even though you've never met either of us. You deserve much praise for your ability to notice that.

 

That's exactly what I felt. But I didn't know if I was so sure about it, til you just said what you said. Now that you see what I suspected, I feel like it's true.

 

I also think she's a little stupid, though, too.

 

But alas, let me tell you something lastly that drove me away throughout the relationship. She has a problem with being annoyed very easily. Short temper. She had the problem with all her ex's, and her own family, and everyone in her life. Sometimes, I was indeed actually annoying. But other times, she'd practically flip for nothing. This pisses me off. I think she's crazy.

 

 

Anyways, thanks bubblegum for the replies and once again, good job noticing that.

[pushforward]

A day late and a dollar short eh?

 

She's incredibly selfish, her wishy washyness pushed you away. Now that you're gone for good, guess who comes around?

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lol yes pushforward. Alas, though, I can never shake that feeling of guilt. Sure, she has problems, but damn if I don't have a lot too. I was distant as well to SOME degree during the relationship, and depressed still from my ex of 2 yrs ago. I told her all this. She was never really understanding though.

 

It's like this. You talk about something painful, and the girl comforts you usually. You told my ex about something painful, and nothing really happens at all. Not even a hug.

 

So weird. Don't know why I stayed with her.

 

But I cared enough about her to drive 100 miles a week to see her. I feel like dr jeckel and mr hide though, because half of me knows I did everything I could, but the other half of me thinks I screwed something (or many things) up somewhere along the line.

 

Do you guys feel like this too, or am I just guilty?

[bubblegum]

Whoo-hoo keep the praise coming Tom! My ego isn't quite full yet....

 

Well, doesn't stupid go along with being heartless? A stupid person doesn't see enough incoming info to treat others with empathy and compassion. Or is it that a heartless person is too stupid to know others aren't objects? Hmmmm...

 

Short temper = some level of insecurity, I suppose, and immaturity.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Bubblegum, very interesting observation. I think your right.

 

I don't turn my knowledge of psychology around on the people I love(d). (At least I try not to, but sometimes my conceited ego tells me that I have the ability to help them by showing them how they can fix the problems they don't even know they're suffering from). See, stupid realizations like this of myself show me that I am not as good of a guy as people think/I like to think. That then leads me to wondering if it was all me who messed it all up, and then that furthers my curiosity of a mr jeckel and dr hyde complex within my head.

 

Is this how multipersonality disorder begins? LOL

 

Anyways, thanks again.

[neverlost]

But I cared enough about her to drive 100 miles a week to see her. I feel like dr jeckel and mr hide though, because half of me knows I did everything I could, but the other half of me thinks I screwed something (or many things) up somewhere along the line.

 

Do you guys feel like this too, or am I just guilty?

 

Half of me thinks I did everything I could... always there for her, look after her, cook her meals, make sure she got anywhere ok. The opposite of her past partners.

 

Yet I'd get a little annoyed when she dragged me around shop after shop looking at almost the exact same things, I'd act a little off when she was going out to a club with friends. Maybe I screwed it up there.

 

But I'd give anything now to walk around them shops again and again, all day long, just to be with her *sigh*

 

 

-neverlost

[pushforward]

Everybody feels that way whether you're the dumpee or dumper. It's called being human. Unfortunately, because things didn't end the way we wanted or pictured, it all boils down to broken dreams and promises. No future with this person and because you don't have a shared vision anymore. You start to wonder, wonder about the past because that's all you have. You don't have a future. You look in the past to find answers, what if you did this, or what if you had done that.

 

Sometimes you need to get a little lost before you find your way.

[bubblegum]

Yes, being trained in psychology changes how we communicate. And I think it can come off as arrogant and critical when we try to talk to people we love. WE know the DSM is simply a way of categorizing behavior, not defining an entire person, but the language we use is a short-cut to describing groups of behavior, and can sound quite judgmental.

 

I always laugh when I see you respond to someone's post with a quick and to-the-point response like "research Borderline PD." I get where you're coming from with your responses. But I can see how others might see them as labeling and judgmental, when really what you're doing is trying to direct the poster toward understanding how when a person displays a group of character traits, the traits are impervious and hard-wired...not a random set of actions that accidentally occured, and won't likely repeat themselves in the future.

 

Deeply understanding the DSM is a gift and a curse... and I do think it can cause us interpersonal strife if we are lazy about how we communicate.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Yes neverlost. So true. There's no easy answer to these questions we pose.

 

Are we crazy? Or are we merely suffering from low self esteem and we take our mistakes too heavily in our minds? Because we all DO make mistakes. No ones perfect. We tend to focus on ours though... is this low self esteem? Narcissism? No... not narcissism... narcissists do not have the ability to accept fault or acknowledge problems... so what the hell is wrong with us? Need to pick our heads up

[Knight_Ctrl]

Let me tell you what's going on with mine.

 

We dated a year. I loved this girl so much I'd willingly take a death bullet to protect her. In fact, I'd take a whole clip from a machine gun if I had to. She was sweet, kind, and everything. (Or so I thought. How cliche).

 

Well, around month 10, she started complaining about a lot of things (Some of which were VERY justified-- like my focus on looks. That's my major flaw. I am vain. I will be up front about that). Well, I started to have an overview on things and I realized she was always selfish and/or apprehensive and standoffish, and this is who she really was. She seemed to almost be missing something in her head. It's tough to put a specific label on this, even knowing psychology's DSM disorders.

 

Alas, I still loved her. (of course). I stayed with her for another 2 months.

 

Around the 12th month, we broke up. She said she wanted a break. It was extremely painful, no joke. Every day was a nightmare, and even night when I was asleep was a different type of literal nightmare. I felt like I had post traumatic stress disorder at this point because it was so horrible. And no, it actually wasn't for another guy. This may be the first "break" in history that didn't involve another guy.

 

Well, anyways, she would keep txting me maybe 1-2 times a week saying she misses me and stuff. I said I missed her too and loved her. But when it became clear things were going nowhere, I truly enforced NC and told her "Don't contact me. I love you and it hurts too much. Contact me only when you want to get back together."

 

She disappeared for a while.

 

Then she contacted me again with a semi long txt talking about how she misses me so much and she can't get back together til she's finally done with this ton of things she has been having to do (And this is legitimate. She truly is busy as hell, and I knew almost 5 months in advance that this time would be so busy for her. So I understood the break).

 

Well, I stuck to telling her to go away since she started being wishy washy. Saying she could hang out and we could have sex but she doesn't want a relationship for a long time now. I told her she knows full well if I wanted to simply have sex I'll go have sex with girls. I basically told her this disgusts me and to disappear and have some respect for herself.

 

Well, low and behold, a new girl came along that changed everything. She wasn't a rebound, she was different. She had the thing my ex never seemed to have. This girl wasn't selfish. She was kind, considerate, outgoing, cared, and was even better looking. (Hey its icing on the cake). After talking to this girl for 2 months I asked her out and we've been dating since.

 

But my ex, even after the repeated times I told her to disappear, continues to txt me. (Which started today).

 

She said "Are you ready for Obama"

 

I wanted to reply "F Obama, he's a tard, and you aren't much above him".

 

But I didn't.

 

So I wonder, is she heartless for trying to keep contact me? Or is she just STUPID.

 

If I was sexy I'd be vain too , but seriously. I would have to vote both on this man. Shes heartless for doing it, and stupid for not thinking about how it can just make everything worse.

 

Unless I'm mistaken you've recently started hanging out with another girl right? Me too, and right around then is when my ex decided to start coming into my work. I think girls have a radar of when we are starting to get over them and then are required to do something to try and F**K our healing process all over again.

[kizik]

I think it's a mistake to lump your ex into one of two categories. Suffice it to say she's confused and in need of an ego boost. Best to ignore her and keep boning the new girl.

[DSM-IV Tom]

First off, to Bubblegum: I didn't know you knew the dsm. You are probably more intelligent than me. But I agree, understanding it is a gift and a curse. And I know I come off as arrogant and it pisses people off. But it also makes the people on the other side of the spectrum love me. That's what everything really boils down to, so I don't care about coming off real like that. The middle ground usually breeds no emotional attachments. So I am like I am. Kinda like Eminem, but not as viscious. I don't want to kill girls or MOST people.

 

As for knight, I'm sure you are sexy man. Don't sell yourself short. The only difference between you and me is you probably are normal, and modest. Whereas on the other hand I'm vain. Damn vainness I wish I could flip a switch and remove that character trait about me. I would so fast.

 

But damn knight, how are things with that girl though?

 

And I understand about how girls have a radar and try to talk to you when you are moving on. I believe in psychic connections.

 

And to kizik: Whats up my friend? You are the most evil person on this site in my opinion, and that's just plain awesome. You're so negative that you're almost positive. You make my harsh, upfront attitude look like a fairytale of rainbows and ponies in comparison. You are just plain awesome.

[Knight_Ctrl]

First off, to Bubblegum: I didn't know you knew the dsm. You are probably more intelligent than me. But I agree, understanding it is a gift and a curse. And I know I come off as arrogant and it pisses people off. But it also makes the people on the other side of the spectrum love me. That's what everything really boils down to, so I don't care about coming off real like that. The middle ground usually breeds no emotional attachments. So I am like I am. Kinda like Eminem, but not as viscious. I don't want to kill girls or MOST people.

 

As for knight, I'm sure you are sexy man. Don't sell yourself short. The only difference between you and me is you probably are normal, and modest. Whereas on the other hand I'm vain. Damn vainness I wish I could flip a switch and remove that character trait about me. I would so fast.

 

But damn knight, how are things with that girl though?

 

And I understand about how girls have a radar and try to talk to you when you are moving on. I believe in psychic connections.

 

And to kizik: Whats up my friend? You are the most evil person on this site in my opinion, and that's just plain awesome. You're so negative that you're almost positive. You make my harsh, upfront attitude look like a fairytale of rainbows and ponies in comparison. You are just plain awesome.

 

 

heh, yeah I'm not bad looking =p. Gained a little weight since I broke my ankle but nothing I cant lose. As for that girl..........hm, we sorta put things on hold for a bit. I think we both felt like things were moving to fast. We like each other but she said she "needed to get some things straight first" which is respectable. I think I still have to get myself in a better possition to be with someone else.

 

Also I agree kizik is evil. He knows it though, still sometimes we need that kind of help. I like it =D

[kizik]

to kizik: Whats up my friend? You are the most evil person on this site in my opinion, and that's just plain awesome. You're so negative that you're almost positive. You make my harsh, upfront attitude look like a fairytale of rainbows and ponies in comparison. You are just plain awesome.

 

What are you talking about? It's not my fault that people on this site are a bunch of p*ssies who don't want to hear the truth. I'm not evil, dude; in fact I resent that. Nope. Just a guy who wants to help.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lol I'm with you mostly kizik. You know I enforce the harsh realities too. Some of these people are really good people though.

[kizik]

Of course they're good people. Never said they weren't. But there is waaay too much sugar-coating that goes on here, and ultimately it doesn't help anyone.

 

If you're going to ask for advice - be prepared for it.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Damn straight. That's why I say the things I do. We should be on the same team.

[bubblegum]

Of course they're good people. Never said they weren't. But there is waaay too much sugar-coating that goes on here, and ultimately it doesn't help anyone.

 

If you're going to ask for advice - be prepared for it.

 

Ehhh.. some people's sugar-coating is just a little hand-holding. It's all good. That's why it's a forum; multiple opinions and multiple ways of delivering them. Some like the arrow of information driven straight to the heart, some like it gently slipped into their jacket pocket.

[Knight_Ctrl]

word. When I got here hand holding is what I needed. And its what I got. Now I need support (real support). And no **** advice. I need to be told exactly what I need to hear, even if its not something I want to hear.

 

 

DSM and Kizik are pro at it.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Thanks knight you're a cool dude. In fact, most people here are. But you are amongst my favorite. Bubblegum seems intelligent as well. We got some good people here.

 

I skip the hand holding step always... I think we all need to face the facts and pain as soon as possible so we can recover as soon as possible. No one WANTS to face the pain right off the bat, but in the end they'll think back, maybe not even remember me or you, but be happy that they faced everything as early as possible, so they could heal as fast as they do.

[nature]

Does she even know about your new girlfriend? I'm assuming not?

 

She is arrogant. She did the dumping. She knew you were devestated. Thus, her ego is huge right now. In her mind, she thinks she still "has you" hooked on her. That's why her little trivial texts. Just to see if you are still there. Testing you. She's fishing...throwing out the bait to see if you'll still bite. I know exactly what she's doing, as I've disgustedly watched many of my girlfriends do it to ex's. They get bored, don't have anyone else in their life, so look for a little ego boost from their ex...see if he's still pining away over them. If they find out he is, then they're fine for another few wks.