kzed79 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I have been married ten years to the woman I love. We dated since we were 15 yrs old and got married when we were 18. I have been in the military since graduating high school ten years ago. I work a lot of shift work in the military frequently long hours. I recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me with another man. She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her the last few years. I am probaly guilty of that but she never said that she felt this way. She now says she loves both me and the other guy although she says she is not in love with me anymore. I knew that she spent a lot of time with the guy, but I had met him a couple of time before. Both him and my wife told me that he was gay, which was totaly believable since he lived in a house with 2 other gay men. I worked nights and my wife worked day shift. She likes going out to clubs and playing amateur poker. So I figured who better to go out with than the gay friend, that is as safe as you can get right? Well the whole thing turned out to be a lie. I guess I should have seen it coming and put my foot down long ago. What I can't figure is the other guy is such a loser. He was kicked out of the marine corps for robbing old ladies, and ever since has bounced from one minimum wage job to the next. I really can't see what my wife sees in him. I don't want to get divorced as I love my wife very much and cannot see how I will go on without her. I have asked her repeatedly if she is willing to work on our marriage. Sometimes she says yes and other times she just says she is done and wants a divorce. She talks to the other guy on the phone for hours every day and sits there right beside me and tells him that she loves him! This just kills me and she wonders why I get angry and try to hang the phone up on him all the time. What makes me even more confused is she still wants to go out on dates with me and we have been having more and better sex than ever since this all came to light. Its like she is giving me what I need at times then kicking me in the gut a few minutes later. We have no children so I guess that is good but I really do not want to get divorced. I want to fix our problems. Any advice would be great. I am so confused I don't know what to think anymore.
Curmudgeon Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 She's playing you. She has no regard for you. She doesn't value you. What more does she need to do in order to open your eyes? I'm a firm believer in leaving no stone unturned to preserve a marriage, to include counseling. However, I draw the line at emotional abuse and total disregard and disrespect, such as telling her lover she loves him while you're right there beside her. For so long as you continue to "support" her in her affair with another she'll continue to belittle and diminish you. One person alone cannot save a relationship. Only if she's willing to give up her "fling" while the two of you concentrate on counseling and trying to resurrect a relationship will it have the shadow of a chance to survive. Staying with someone who treats you so shabbily is a personal choice, but it's certainly not one I would make. If you can, more power to you and I hope the memories of her behavior, visions of her with another man and resentments you will eventually have if you don't already don't follow you forever.
Reggie Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Sorry you are going through this. Your wife is acting extremely cruelly. In any case, seems like the first step is to try to halt the affair. Exposure is said to be the best tool. Tell her folks and the remainder of her family about the cheating. Then, you have to do what is known as the 180. Protect your money and do not give her any to subsidize the affair. Get a seperate bank account and do not let her access your funds. See a lawyer asap and see where you satnd in terms of how you will make out in a divorce. Never plead , or cry or berate your wife in an effort toi stop the affair. Just go dark on her. I cannot understand why you are having sex with her. You are putting your health at risk as she is a potential incubator for STDs. Stop it right away if you value your health. The best thing you can do is let her feel the consequences of cheating. Exposure and cutting off finances is a good start.
Athena Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 She is disrespecting you big time! Telling the other guy in front of you that she loves him? Wow. You absolutely have to give her a shock. She cannot continue to have the best from you and continue her affair. Then why would she want to pick one over the other? Personally, I think you should kick her out immediately. She will go live with OM for a while, then start to rethink her position as she realizes she doesn't have you too. You cannot continue to play nice with her and expect her to give up the status quo! If you treat her as she deserves to be treated at this point, she will get a much needed 'wake up call' and you will feel better for not having given up all your power and control in this marriage. Don't accept her crap. React strongly and negatively and do not back down from your stance until she is completely willing to give him up and do ANYTHING to get you back. Human beings are funny creatures -- what comes easily to them is no longer so attractive. If you make yourself scarce or into a threat of being forever withdrawn from her, this will force her to face the reality of not being able to have both men. Act strong, even if you feel weak.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 The more brutally, coldly and indifferently you throw a cheater out on his/her ass the more likely it is they will be willing to see things your way. If you throw her out, do it hard enough for her to bounce and let her know in no uncertain terms that you are done with her, through. You are not going to help or support her in any way. The OM will no doubt be dismayed to end up with her dumped in his lap, as well. If she does not come back, consider it a blessing though you won't see that for a while to come. She will likely just find other, more discreet ways to cheat on you if she comes back. If she does come back, she is going to have to undergo extensive counseling - both individual and marital, and agree to no more nights out without you being there. No exceptions. Period. That is an uphill battle, one that probably won't be worth the fight. If you get her reined in, she sounds like the type to make you sorely regret it.
travelgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 You are her security blanket, he is her fun new relationship guy. She has her cake and is eating it too. You need to break this habit NOW. Tell her to leave and move in with him. She will realize what a loser he is and you will be gone.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I have been married ten years to the woman I love. We dated since we were 15 yrs old and got married when we were 18. I have been in the military since graduating high school ten years ago. I work a lot of shift work in the military frequently long hours. I recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me with another man. She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her the last few years. I am probaly guilty of that but she never said that she felt this way. She now says she loves both me and the other guy although she says she is not in love with me anymore. blah blah blah....Well the whole thing turned out to be a lie. I guess blah blah....blah blah....Any advice would be great. I am so confused I don't know what to think anymore. I'm surprised you even got past the bit in bold.... Honey, you need to nuts-up and change the locks. And wave bye bye. For good.
Adri Ana Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It`s incredible even to read , and I imagine how it is to hear one`s wife talking to another man and telling him love in front of the hubby . She is disrespecting you not only as a man , but also as a person . Even if she is in love with another man, she has at least to divorce first ,then to act like that, and even then she has no rights to hurt you this much this open way . I do not think it is worth for you to work on this marriage any more. Let her go . You set your life yourself.
seibert253 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Pack her sh%t, throw her out of YOUR house, then serve her papers. Nuff said.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 We have no children so I guess that is good but I really do not want to get divorced. I want to fix our problems. You can't. You are married to a cheater that blames her cheating on you. You marriage would be a joke from this point on if you decided to stay together. Why? Because you'll be married to someone who will always hold a place in her heart for another man. Trust me on this. I know you are desperate right now. I know you are hurting. But this woman just blamed you for getting pounded by another man. That is highly despicable. If you stay with her, then you will have to accept the fact that you are married to a cheater. Even if she stops cheating, she is still one. You have a chance to save yourself. You have no children and can get this thing annulled. Don't be a fool. She isn't the only woman in the world and there are women in the world that won't go out and get it from other men just because things cool down. if you stay with her, then you will be busting your ass to please her just to keep her from cheating in the future. Do you want someone you have to keep from cheating? or do you want someone that will love you enough to not cheat on you? If its the latter, get an annullment. If its the former, then good luck and don't say I didn't warn ya.
mark982 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 either pack her ****, and change locks.give furniture away to helping hand, and move into barracks.hell it don't matter. why you letting her destroy your pride? open your own checking accts.whatever you gotta do, time to man-up.
Holding-On Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Both him and my wife told me that he was gay If it helps you to see straight... realize that she and he concocted such a story, stuck to it and lied to you blatantly, to your face, as a unit. The unit is the two of them not the two of you. If you married her at 18, you are only 28. Let her go. Let her go and give her the opportunity to learn some empathy for others. Let her grow up. In the mean time you need to take care of you - leave this relationship. RUN before you have children with a woman you cannot trust with your heart. Who has no compassion for you. Imagine the future. Just imagine how she would treat your kids. If you are military she would have to be almost a single parent at times. If you can't leave for yourself leave for your future kids. Really. Understand that unlike many on here I don't happen to believe in or practice sexual exclusivity. I'm not a believer in any religion. So I am not telling you this from any moral vantage point, just plain pragmatism.
Athena Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I don't want to get divorced as I love my wife very much and cannot see how I will go on without her. I have asked her repeatedly if she is willing to work on our marriage. Sometimes she says yes and other times she just says she is done and wants a divorce. I want to fix our problems. You say you want to fix the marriage, but she does not. You absolutely cannot 'fix' the marriage on your own. It takes Two to make a marriage work, but only One to end it!
desertmoon Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Do not guilt her into staying in your marriage because of your vows, or because of the many good things you have done to her, either. Just let her go.
wuggle Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Sorry you are going through this. Your wife is acting extremely cruelly. In any case, seems like the first step is to try to halt the affair Wow, I agree with Reggie for once (though I really wish he wouldn't raise the issues of STDs as a priority in cases such as this, when your life has just been ripped to shreds the LAST thing you need to think about is STDs, your usually too busy trying not to smash down walls or kill yourself) You can't. You are married to a cheater that blames her cheating on you. You marriage would be a joke from this point on if you decided to stay together. Why? Because you'll be married to someone who will always hold a place in her heart for another man. Trust me on this. I know you are desperate right now. I know you are hurting. But this woman just blamed you for getting pounded by another man. That is highly despicable. If you stay with her, then you will have to accept the fact that you are married to a cheater. Even if she stops cheating, she is still one. You have a chance to save yourself. You have no children and can get this thing annulled. Don't be a fool. She isn't the only woman in the world and there are women in the world that won't go out and get it from other men just because things cool down. if you stay with her, then you will be busting your ass to please her just to keep her from cheating in the future. Do you want someone you have to keep from cheating? or do you want someone that will love you enough to not cheat on you? If its the latter, get an annullment. If its the former, then good luck and don't say I didn't warn ya. But as usual, still don't agree with Dexter (oh well , one day ) IMO your marriage has found its way here because your wife was given something she was missing (She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her the last few years. I am probaly guilty of that but she never said that she felt this way...), I don't think it is uncommon for partners not to verbalise the things that are missing in a relationship, often they don't quite know themselves. I guess the other guy saw some unhappiness in her, they started to talk, was nice as a friend and the affair started from there (that's how they usually do). Again I'm guessing she isn't be deliberately cruel to you, she is probably so messed up now she really doesn't know what to do or think. She probably loves you and thinks she loves the other person. One of the big problems with affairs is that your wife will only be getting to see the good side of this person (he is being nice, supportive and generally on his best behaviour, especially as he sounds like a bit of a scoundral and a bit manipulative) she is probably not seeing the real him. She is comparing a loving relationship with you that she has had for 10 years but which might be getting a little stale with this exciting new relationship. What she doesn't know (and several people who divorce to be with the affair partner only find out too late) is that life with this guy would probably not be a bed of roses, when reality and the day to day issues finally kick in. If she leaves you for him you may well find that a short while later she realises she has been totally stupid and has swapped a life with a man she loved that was generally good for one that's cr*p. That said, what to do ?. You say you want to work on the marriage but as Reggie says, you HAVE to get her to stop seeing the other person. IMO you need to talk to her and tell her she either ceases ALL contact with the other person or she moves out. Horribly simple. Staying with the situation you have now for fear of loosing her completely will NOT work. You will become bitter and twisted and end up destroying everything. You cannot force her to stay though, if she wants to go and be with this other person you have to let her go. Then if she changes her mind later and realises that life was so much better with you you need to decide what to do then, but remember she might not. I know what your going through is horrible. My last advice is try to stay as calm as possible. So much damage is done in these situations (to all parties) when you say and do things in anger (and believe me you will get angry !, when you do try to remember that you still love her), and as I've seen advised several times remember to breathe and take care of yourself.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 You need to leave, or better yet kick her out. Tell her to go live with her gay boyfriend. Does she work. If not, or even if she does. Open another bank account and cut her off. She needs to feel the full weight of what she has done . Pay the bills yourself. She has to understand what separation is going to cost. The more you chase her. The more cake she will eat (The more she will run to him). Time to man up and take a stand.
Heroic Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 "Honey, I can't stand between you and your happiness. Now I know that your new man doesn't have a lot of money so you're going to have to spend a lot of time working so i took the time to pack your things...no need to thank me. Now your share of the the divorce is going to come to X you should have that money to me by the end of the week. By the way I have my own bank/credit cards now and I have closed our mutual account, you might want to think about getting some of your own." Enjoy your new BF and his 2 gay room mates.
Reggie Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Wow, I agree with Reggie for once (though I really wish he wouldn't raise the issues of STDs as a priority in cases such as this, when your life has just been ripped to shreds the LAST thing you need to think about is STDs, your usually too busy trying not to smash down walls or kill yourself) Concern about STD's should be a priority, absolutely. I've seen several stories where the BS has contracted one from the WS. You need to be concerned about this.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 IMO your marriage has found its way here because your wife was given something she was missing Translation, it was the BS's fault. (She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her the last few years. I am probaly guilty of that but she never said that she felt this way...) Translation, the WS justifying the affair I guess the other guy saw some unhappiness in her Ripe for the picking.....eh? they started to talk, was nice as a friend and the affair started from there (that's how they usually do). Again I'm guessing she isn't be deliberately cruel to you, she is probably so messed up now she really doesn't know what to do or think. She probably loves you Wrong. Nobody "loves" someone, then turns around and #$%$#s someone else. and thinks she loves the other person. One of the big problems with affairs is that your wife will only be getting to see the good side of this person (he is being nice, supportive and generally on his best behaviour, especially as he sounds like a bit of a scoundral and a bit manipulative) she is probably not seeing the real him. She is comparing a loving relationship with you that she has had for 10 years but which might be getting a little stale with this exciting new relationship. Yup, guys who sleep with married women will say and do what they want to hear. Again, easy pickins. What she doesn't know (and several people who divorce to be with the affair partner only find out too late) is that life with this guy would probably not be a bed of roses, when reality and the day to day issues finally kick in. If she leaves you for him you may well find that a short while later she realises she has been totally stupid and has swapped a life with a man she loved that was generally good for one that's cr*p. Thats her problem.....not kzeds. That said, what to do ?. You say you want to work on the marriage but as Reggie says, you HAVE to get her to stop seeing the other person. Yes, but most likely she will only stop seeing the other man because kzed said so....not because she wants to. IMO you need to talk to her and tell her she either ceases ALL contact with the other person or she moves out. Now who said we don't agree on something?? Horribly simple. Staying with the situation you have now for fear of loosing her completely will NOT work. You will become bitter and twisted and end up destroying everything. Uh....if anything destroyed the relationship, it was her screwing another man. I know what your going through is horrible. My last advice is try to stay as calm as possible. So much damage is done in these situations (to all parties) when you say and do things in anger (and believe me you will get angry !, when you do try to remember that you still love her), and as I've seen advised several times remember to breathe and take care of yourself. I'd say thats good advice right there....the "take care of yourself part". And one part of taking care of yourself is making sure you realize you deserve better than a cheater.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 You need to leave, or better yet kick her out. Tell her to go live with her gay boyfriend. Does she work. If not, or even if she does. Open another bank account and cut her off. She needs to feel the full weight of what she has done . Pay the bills yourself. She has to understand what separation is going to cost. The more you chase her. The more cake she will eat (The more she will run to him). Time to man up and take a stand. another post I completely agree with
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Serve her divorce papers at her work and tell her "happy trails!" Why are you putting up with such disrespect?
wicar Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I have been married ten years to the woman I love. We dated since we were 15 yrs old and got married when we were 18. I have been in the military since graduating high school ten years ago. I work a lot of shift work in the military frequently long hours. I recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me with another man. She says that I didn't pay enough attention to her the last few years. I am probaly guilty of that but she never said that she felt this way. She now says she loves both me and the other guy although she says she is not in love with me anymore. I knew that she spent a lot of time with the guy, but I had met him a couple of time before. Both him and my wife told me that he was gay, which was totaly believable since he lived in a house with 2 other gay men. I worked nights and my wife worked day shift. She likes going out to clubs and playing amateur poker. So I figured who better to go out with than the gay friend, that is as safe as you can get right? Well the whole thing turned out to be a lie. I guess I should have seen it coming and put my foot down long ago. What I can't figure is the other guy is such a loser. He was kicked out of the marine corps for robbing old ladies, and ever since has bounced from one minimum wage job to the next. I really can't see what my wife sees in him. I don't want to get divorced as I love my wife very much and cannot see how I will go on without her. I have asked her repeatedly if she is willing to work on our marriage. Sometimes she says yes and other times she just says she is done and wants a divorce. She talks to the other guy on the phone for hours every day and sits there right beside me and tells him that she loves him! This just kills me and she wonders why I get angry and try to hang the phone up on him all the time. What makes me even more confused is she still wants to go out on dates with me and we have been having more and better sex than ever since this all came to light. Its like she is giving me what I need at times then kicking me in the gut a few minutes later. We have no children so I guess that is good but I really do not want to get divorced. I want to fix our problems. Any advice would be great. I am so confused I don't know what to think anymore. My friend, sorry to say this, you say that the other guy is a loser, but let me tell you if you don't divorce her you are the ultimate loser. After having been through all this pain and humiliation I don't know why you still want her with you, is she that pretty I don't know. What seems to me is that you are being cuckold. you are losing your self respect living with her. Don't disgrace your self leave her.... She seems to me like a b**** playing with your life.
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