She contacted me :( feel worse than ever though

[neverlost]

Hey all,

 

So I was on a break with my girlfriend, and she said could we talk in a few days. Well after 1 day, she messages me asking if I am ok, I tell her I am and hope she is too. She replies saying she is hurting, and she is down on herself and is sorry for not being good enough.

 

I kinda get the feeling of "it's me, not you" here...

 

So we carry on with a few more messages, and I tell her I need to know what is going on so I can move on. She tells me she still loves me, but is still really down on herself and hates herself for hurting me like this.

 

She then said she is so upset and can we talk tomorrow, I said I was kinda busy, I need to get on with things, but she asks me again please and not to hate her.

 

So does anyone get bad feelings from this? Is she just saying she feels bad as to take away the fact she doesn't want to be with me, and that way it makes her seem less bad?

 

She's been down about things in the past, but never to this extent. She's either lieing to me or has been hit with a bout of manic depression!

 

In the past, even if we had a little argument, she would want to come home with me to make sure it was ok and we were still together. But now I'm totally left alone.

 

I'm off work for the week due to her Birthday coming up, so I'm facing everyday just sitting alone. Her Birthday gifts just sitting by my side, wondering if they'll ever get to her now.

 

And if she had been thinking about breaking up a few weeks ago, so as to have accepted it by now, that would have been around Xmas which really gets to me. But we seemed so close then.

 

I just want to say... what about the time we did this... and that time we did that... but if you've fallen out of love with someone, I guess those words will only fall on deaf ears.

 

Thank you for listening, I hope time can heal my wounds, but I know my memories will always be left as scars

 

-neverlost

[Geishawhelk]

What you need to do is look at this thread and then when you have done that, read this thread too....

 

And understand - really, but really understand why it's so important for you to not let her mess with your mind.

All she is doing is offloading her guilt, and making sure her little puppy is still sitting up and begging. Oh I know she sounds so sweet, and hurt and fragile.....

yeh, right.

Wipe the drool off your chin, and have a good read.

AND GO NO CONTACT!!

[justletgo07]

Thanks Geisha, for making an example out of me...

 

Agreed. Don't let her manipulate you. She'll leave you feeling worse, while she'll be feeling better about herself and her decision. Let her drown in her own guilt.

[Geishawhelk]

I didn't mean to make an example of you in a negative sense.

I feel for him the way I felt for you.

I just figured it was better to show him, rather than go squawking like a parrot.....

 

After a while, I must sound like a stuck record.....

 

And you'd have thought -

"Hang on - isn't this deja vu all over again - ?!?"

[neverlost]

Wow, yeah, I can fully connect with all that. Haha, doesn't make me feel so great though!

 

My only concerns would be... are we to assume everytime the one who finished with you contacts you after it is to make themselves feel better about it, is there really not one out there who genuinely wants to see if you are ok after?

 

Not that I believe that myself!

 

And also, WHAT IF she is depressed and down on herself... it feels as though I would be abandoning her

 

And if someone wanted to get back with you, maybe they would only start with texts like "how are you" rather then "I made a mistake, I love you".

 

I just base this on, in the past she has never been this way. Never done anything nasty. Never threatened a break-up. She was herself a few days ago and then all of a sudden, something has hit her in the face. She was with me over Xmas for like a month, and has only been back at university for a week, so I can't imagine it is someone else.

 

But I also can't imagine all of a sudden she has fell into a pit of despair.

 

My instinct does tell me it's over, but I can't find a way out of the shock as to why? what did I do?

 

But I guess no contact is the way?

 

-neverlost

[IcemanJB]

As always, Geisha is dead nuts on. To answer your question, the reason she asks whether you're doing ok is a mix between her relieving herself of guilt, and she probably really does care. My ex did it, and I'm sure many others have too.

 

As for NC, it's just the proven, fail-safe, tried-and-true way to heal yourself and move the situation forward; whether it be a breakup or reconciliation. If you feel weird about just ignoring her straight away, tell her why you're going to do it first (unless she was just plain evil or cheated, which I don't think is your case). I tried doing it to my ex without telling her why and she turned into a wreck...finally I sent her an emailing explaining myself because I hated that it was hurting her. She said she understood why I need(ed) to do this for myself, she feels awful, contact was hurting her, blah blah blah. This was over 2 months ago and she has respected my request to NOT contact me.

 

The breakup/NC with her has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Just something you have to look forward to. But I feel 10x stronger through all of this; I feel things are more on my terms, and I'm not going to sit around waiting for her to figure her crazy self out.

 

Good luck; just know it will not be easy, but every day gets easier and it's truly the best thing to do for yourself.

 

EDIT: The line from the song "There, there" by Radiohead: "just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." just came on my itunes...and I thought it was fitting for many of the situations on LS.

[neverlost]

Thanks for the replies

 

I am trying to go no contact. I just don't think I could say I'm too hurt, please leave me for a while. Because I'm scared that she might............. and after a couple of weeks, there's no going back for me. Even if I wanted to, I'd know at some point they completely forgot about me for a few weeks and I couldn't deal with that.

 

We've never really gone more than 24 hours with no contact, so I guess if I leave it a few days, it's up to her to say I want to meet to get things back on track, or to continue to ask if I am ok, which I simply can not respond to.

 

But in these situations what do you consider yourself as? still in a relationship? I know some people say you can do what you want on a break, but in reality, once I kissed someone else or she did, on a break or not, I could never, ever go back. And I think the break should be about time by yourself, not going with other people.

 

We both currently have social networking site profiles (only one, because I really don't think they are a great idea. You get to know other people a "safe" way, and make friends with them, which your partner wouldn't accept if you met these people at a bar or something, but on the internet, it's ok? I don't believe so, but that's another story).

 

Anyway, currently my picture is me and her and hers is her and me with the status as: In a relationship.

 

Do you think I should change this?

Not sure I want people asking what's happened if they see it though, because I guess I pride myself in the relationship being near to perfect and not full of a lot of break-ups and get back togethers like a lot of relationships I see.

 

But then I see this going as either she see's it and realises we are close to being over forever and I wont just be around waiting always and takes action in a good way. Or, she gets mad and thinks "fair enough" then and tells everyone she is single.

 

 

-neverlost

[justletgo07]

First, regarding Facebook, my suggestion would be to not place more significance on it than you should. Remember, it is only a website. Personally, I wouldn't do anything. You should have better things to do.

 

Regarding your "break", I don't think it matters whether it is over forever or not. You should take on the attitude and belief that it is, and keep moving forward with your life. Make it clear you aren't going to wait for her, because you shouldn't be. All waiting will do is make her feel in control and make you feel like a fool when she never comes back.

 

Don't try to go NC. Actually GO NC!

[neverlost]

I know I should take the break as forever... she is the only person who ever let me be "me" and a part of me has to believe in hope...

 

Not just for this situation, but for every stupid little thing in the world.

 

I think she has been logging in, looking if I have got messages or probably to see if I have changed my status. I just don't understand why she would even bother if she didn't want to be together.

 

The last girl said keep hold of her Xmas gifts as in we might get back together, and a week later was out at bars, which she said she wanted a break from!

 

Yeah, I felt like a fool even months after breaking up with someone, I still feel as though I am cheating in a way if I am with anyone else. Being too loyal to those that don't deserve it does me no good.

 

NC for 18 hours and NOT counting

 

-neverlost

[Geishawhelk]

Thanks for the replies

 

I am trying to go no contact.

"Do, or Do Not. There is No TRY". This is an all or nothing thing, sunshine. It's a case of I am going.....

I just don't think I could say I'm too hurt, please leave me for a while. Because I'm scared that she might.............

 

Er... Good....Because that's exactly what you need, and exactly what you want, right now.

 

and after a couple of weeks, there's no going back for me.

Whaddya mean, a couple of weeks? There's no going back as of NOW!!

 

Even if I wanted to, I'd know at some point they completely forgot about me for a few weeks and I couldn't deal with that.

 

Well, you'd better, because that's what's going to happen, and the sooner the better.

 

We've never really gone more than 24 hours with no contact, so I guess if I leave it a few days, it's up to her to say I want to meet to get things back on track, or to continue to ask if I am ok, which I simply can not respond to.

Try to understand something. This is going to go on for a lot longer than 24 hours, because it's a PERMANENT THING. It's what you HAVE to do....Damn right you simply cannot respond to it, because you must not, on any account, respond to it.

 

 

 

But in these situations what do you consider yourself as? still in a relationship?

 

NO!! It's over! You are her ex! You are single!! Free to date!! Free as a bird!! Do you not get this???!!

 

I know some people say you can do what you want on a break, but in reality, once I kissed someone else or she did, on a break or not, I could never, ever go back.

 

If I was there I'd kiss you. Even just to get it through to you that this is no more!!

You do realise why you need to go no contact don't you?

 

This is for you, and your benefit, not hers! This is for you to start bealing!

 

And I think the break should be about time by yourself, not going with other people.

Too darned right it is! For you! But she's a free agent too now, so she can do what she likes! And guess what? She will!

 

We both currently have social networking site profiles (only one, because I really don't think they are a great idea. You get to know other people a "safe" way, and make friends with them, which your partner wouldn't accept if you met these people at a bar or something, but on the internet, it's ok? I don't believe so, but that's another story).

 

Anyway, currently my picture is me and her and hers is her and me with the status as: In a relationship.

 

Do you think I should change this?

Delete! Erase! Close down! Put yourself up as single and available! If only to show here you are moving on!! Absolutely get rid of anything that's 'you two', and replace with anything that's 'you one'!!

Not sure I want people asking what's happened if they see it though, because I guess I pride myself in the relationship being near to perfect and not full of a lot of break-ups and get back togethers like a lot of relationships I see.

 

The relationship was far from perfect, otherwise you'd have been able to resolve the issues. The cracks appeared ages ago. She just didn't tell you about them. Until it was too late.

By the way: There is no such thing as even a near-perfect relationship. A relationship doesn't need to be full of break-ups. It just needs one.

 

 

But then I see this going as either she see's it and realises we are close to being over forever and I wont just be around waiting always and takes action in a good way. Or, she gets mad and thinks "fair enough" then and tells everyone she is single.

I hope to goodness it's the latter (though for the life of me I can't see the difference). Either way - it's over.....

So in any case, you can get on with your life.

 

 

And just go - NO CONTACT!!

[nature]

Never make someone a priority, who sees you as an option.

 

She broke up with you. Stop kidding yourself that she still wants to be with you. If she did, she wouldn't have brought up space in the first place. Sorry, but please, for yourself, accept it. Be strong. Go NC

[justletgo07]

Neverlost, listen to the advice here, even if right now seems counterintuitive to what you are feeling.

 

Odds are though, you won't. You'll break NC. You'll contact her, or you'll give into her manipulative and selfish attempts to contact you down the road (and believe me, odds are she will). I didn't listen. I didn't want to come off as mean, or petty, or like I was hurt over anything. I was too concerned with what she'd think or how she'd interpret my reactions. My advice to you is don't care. Don't care how she feels or what she is thinking. If she gets mad at you, so what? Who cares? Always remember that regardless of how much you care about her and her feelings, she doesn't have your best interests at heart. She only has hers.

 

So if you're only thinking about her feelings, and she's only thinking about her feelings, who's thinking about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS??!! No one. That's who.

 

Look out for you and yours. Otherwise, you're going to get stomped on.

[neverlost]

Thank you Geishawhelk,

 

Your responses are very "honest" But you know what? Honesty is what I need right now. If only "she" could give me that.

 

I suppose out of it all, I'm just seeking a WHY. Maybe in time I'll get that answer, because maybe right now I don't want to hear it

 

And thank you Nature,

 

I suppose I'm waiting to see IF she realises it was a mistake, but at the same trying to get on as I can't wait for someone who treats me like that.

 

But regarding no contact, she did ask yesterday to talk to me today, and I'm hoping she doesn't expect me to contact her, because it simply isn't going to happen. And if she does contact me... well, I expect a FREIND to treat me better than this let alone my girlfriend and best friend all rolled into one. So I guess it is no contact.

 

And on another note, does nobody believe that some partners might do this to try your love, to see how much you want them and to chase them?

 

Which is cruel anyway, and if that was the case, I guess no contact would shock them too that you wont chase someone who acts that way.

 

 

-neverlost

[neverlost]

Thanks justletgo07

 

Yeah, I really am trying. But those texts... "please talk to me :(" etc. Can get me a bit soft.

But I wouldn't reply to somebody who punched me in the face, and this is much worse than that!

 

I am trying, and much like you before I believe.. sometimes I do feel like saying something such as "i'm busy right now, i'll get back to you sometime"

 

And leave it at that.

 

But I will be really trying no contact. I'm just really still in shock. It's just so wrong the time when I need her the most, I don't have her and she is the one to cause it. Especially late at night! and I can't sleep early, so it doesn't help.

 

I want to believe she is just a stupid little girl, and I helped her grow and now she'll go back to the people that brought her down in the first place.

 

-neverlost

[nature]

"I need space and a break" is the nicey-nice form of, "I'm dumping you because I don't want to be with you anymore".

 

There is no such thing as "a break". This is some new age concept that began in the late, latter half of the 20th Century. Either you are together or you are not. It's black or white. No shades of gray when it comes to commitment.

 

What was the exact reason she gave you in needing this so-called "break"??

 

Yes, she is concerned you will hate her. That is why the "nice-nice" texts. Nobody wants somebody else to hate them. You need to stick to NC. You really do. PLEASE!!

[neverlost]

She was being really distant with me, so when I asked her about it said she had stuff in her head to sort out, like thinking about going on a university exchange to another country if she gets the chance, but also how she is not good enough for me, and she was in a black hole.

 

Quite honestly, I took these as excuses.

 

But she said "can we talk in a day or 2" she didn't actually say "let's go on a break for x amount of time".

And she contacted me the following day.

 

 

WELL! UPDATE!

 

I was on no contact, and she texted me again (so she has texted everyday now) and I didn't reply, so she started calling me.

I'm afraid I had a talk to her! I just wanted an answer... are we over, yes or no.

 

She hasn't given me this... she kept saying things such as I get upset if she wants to meet new friends at university or go on the trips.

Which I do, I've just been burnt a little, but I never tell her she can't do something.

 

So one part of me gets the impression she wants me to say "I'm sorry about all that, I wont be upset at you meeting new people, and I'm happy for you to go away".

 

Like she wants me to OK it all before we take things further. I really want her to do well and to be happy, but I can not lie, of course I'd be upset if she went to another country for almost half a year. What if something happened to her? I'd be completely useless to her over here

 

Or maybe I'm looking into it too much, and these are simply more excuses. But I told her, if she ever cared, be honest because it will hurt less than this and tell me are we together, and she hasn't said we are not.

 

 

*shrugs*

 

-neverlost

[nature]

she kept saying things such as I get upset if she wants to meet new friends at university or go on the trips.

Be honest with yourself. If you do get upset, then do not consider going back to her. She wants to be part of the fun university life, and she doesnt' want you holding her back from being free. But right now, she's saying to you, "I'll be with you if you don't put any boundaries on me and let me do exactly what I want. But if you are going to put up boundaries, then I dont' want to be with you." And that doesn't bode very well for a relationship. Perhaps you should go make a whole pile of new friends and start planning party vacations away with them, that she is not included in. Wonder how much she would support that in you? Fine when it's she doing it. But if the tables were turned?

 

So one part of me gets the impression she wants me to say "I'm sorry about all that, I wont be upset at you meeting new people, and I'm happy for you to go away". As I said above. She wants her cake and to eat it too. Nobody can have the best of all worlds. Life is about compromise. Unfortunately, but the reality. And she has to decide what is more important to her at this stage in her life. The new party friends at university and the experience of travelling with them, etc or a stable boyfriend.

[neverlost]

Well that's the thing, if I were to do that would she wouldn't like it one bit. But she doesn't know what it feels like because I never do it, to spare her feelings incase she was uncomfortable with it.

 

I've known a female friend for 6 years or so, that I rarely, if ever now speak to, my "g/f" doesn't like her one bit, hmm, I wonder why!

So the "g/f" was going to go on a trip for 3 days, I was planning something for a few days before I was with her and never got around to it. When I suggested I do that, suddenly she didn't go on this trip, so I didn't go on mine.

 

 

What she also fails to realise is that most evenings, she is with a few of her friends who she lives with in a house. While I spend mine with, yep, myself.

So say on a Friday night, if they are all in, drinking, watching movies, it is kinda like a night with friends. While my night is, me and the goldfish!

You might say, why don't I go out? I don't really want to all the time, and also, I guess, I wouldn't want her to worry if I was out at a bar. Not to mention most of my friends don't really do that anymore aswell.

 

Which is fine, because that's the way it is. But what I am saying is, she has people around her all the time.

 

Yet I am supposed to feel bad for not letting her meet new people to be friends with and to go places?

I'm good with some things, but being alone by myself while she is out with new guys, drinking, laughing, having a good time... I'm sorry to be selfish, but that does make me feel a little...... left out?

 

I knew it would be tough with someone at university. But she convinced me it would all be ok. But I fear with these actions, she only makes the distance between us further in a long distance relationship already. It's supposed to be a team.

 

And she is already making friends, doing projects with them each day, they see her more than I do. So I really don't know.

 

 

-neverlost

[nature]

Yet I am supposed to feel bad for not letting her meet new people to be friends with and to go places?

I'm good with some things, but being alone by myself while she is out with new guys, drinking, laughing, having a good time... I'm sorry to be selfish, but that does make me feel a little...... left out?

 

I just went thru this same thing, except with a man who is almost 40, who had a slew of friends around that he's known for 20 yrs. While I am fairly new to this town, so obviously don't have the amount of friends he has. I wrote about it on here under: My Painful, Awful, Sad Experience. It's probably slipped to the 2nd or 3rd page under this Breaks & Breaking Up Heading, as it's been a few days.

 

But what I am saying, is that I know how it feels. And it sucks. It wears on your self esteem and it is lonely. There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship wherein someone takes you for granted. Being single isn't as painfully lonely.

 

I went to university for 8 years. Yes, it was the best time of my life. But let me tell you...dont' blame it on the fact she's going to univ or let her use the excuse of univ to explain her behaviour. There were the people at univ who partied and ran around together and every day was like summer camp. Then there were the people who went to univ, focused and had their seperate life outside of it.

 

I was one of the one's who ran around and partied and did a zillion things with friends, attempted to have relationships, but my friends always won out. I was young. And that's "where I was at in my head." Now I am not that young, so I am ready for a relationship, and nothing else matters as much to me as a relationship. So it is a matter of maturity.

 

Unfortunately, I think the only thing that will snap this girl out of this mentallity and force her into maturing a bit, is if you disappear. Right now she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. And you will be miserable. Not only that, but she will start to treat you worse and worse. You will sit home more and more evenings. I do not see the point in having a relationship unless that person is a priority in your life. And right now, you are not. You are not her priority, you are her security blanket. And that's not a nice place to be.

 

I just went thru it with my ex. His friends started to win out more and more. And when i say, win out, i mean...they were constantly calling him every day to do stuff with them. They assumed on weekends it was about them and the guys getting together. He would say no but more and more he started to say yes to them. And more and more I got pushed to the back burner. Of course this upset me. So I fought with him over it. So he dumped me.

 

I'm just saying, NC is probably your best option right now. You are not goign to change her mind by sitting there waiting for her. Get out and get busy. Don't answer her calls. Don't let her know where you are. Don't let her know anything about you, and certainly not that you are sitting at home waiting for her. She has you right where she wants you right now...at home, waiting, like a nice, stable doormat to wipe her feet on every once in awhile.

 

Disappear. Life is about choices. And right now, her choice is what it is. So don't make yourself her back up plan of convenience. Everyone deserves better than that. As much as it hurts, disappear.

[neverlost]

We spent most of the summer together as she was back in her home city where I am. And I guess my friends in their relationships got on with their lives too. But then she goes back to university, living with friends, meeting new ones, doing activities with them. While I'm left alone, I just wanted her to understand that.

 

She messed up her first year at university, not turning up, changed her mind about the course. So she had to start all over again, which would mean she was away from me even more years. I thought I had made her grow up a bit more, as doing like she did the first time around only wasted her time and got her into even more debt with nothing to show for it. I just wanted her to take it more serious now. Like I believe she has, but now these actions, I fear she is going back to old ways and maybe that is just who she is

 

 

Yeah, you're right about university. If she could see it as a place you go in the day like a job to do work, I guess would be good. I really only want what's best for her. Rather than to be at university and think who's birthday is coming up so to plan dressing up and drinking. Well apparently that's where she is "in her head". When she finishes, probably no job, and in a lot of debt, I just wanted to be there for her. Rather than friends who will go back to their home cities and probably lose contact with her.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, she is with friends everyday, and that is good. But to use "you get upset if I want to meet new friends" as a break-up excuse seems kinda unfair

 

And if I haven't seen her for 3 weeks and a friend asks her to stay there and go out with them, then yeah, it would be nice to be the priority.

 

I also worry people who are single will tell her, be single too, it's much easier, until they get a b/f and then forget about her.

 

Haha, I guess I do get a bit down on university. But I've done my best, and I don't really mention most of these things to her anyway, and if I did, they are only concerns that could be dealt with reasurance. I always reassure her on things.

 

I'm sorry for what you went through with your ex

 

After our talk last night, I'll be going no contact.

 

My place is just full of reminders of her, even my clothing we got together. And I got a postal delivery yesterday for things that I had planned for the summer.

 

 

Ouch

 

 

-neverlost

[IcemanJB]

Hey man, my breakup up is somewhat similar as far as the university goes. I'm 23 in two months, and she'll be 20 in a month. I'm not sure what the university system is like in England, but attitudes seem to change DRASTICALLY as people near the end of their program. I'm graduating in May, so for the last couple semesters (during my relationship with my ex) my focus has been on work, finding a job, and getting my grades up. My major is/was very demanding, so I went/go out MAYBE once a month. She is definitely still in party-with-friends mode. We still saw each other 3-4 times a week, but it was always either right before she went out, or she would show up at 1:30AM at my place. Right now she is just not at the same point in her life as I am. I can't blame her that much though; I went through the party stage of college as well. I NEVER held her back though; I always let her go out but the ironic part is that's what I think her reasoning was for breaking it off. She didn't want to feel awful every time she went out to have fun with her friends because I wasn't with her. Maybe that's called immaturity, but whatever...

 

the point is, I finally realized I needed to DISAPPEAR after the breakup when she wouldn't leave me alone. And I did. I would suggest doing the same, if only to save your dignity. She's immature, just like my ex. You don't deserve to have to put up with that ****.

[neverlost]

Hah, she is turning 20 in a week!

 

Yeah, she started one course and messed it up so she has just started another last September so is still in her first year now.

 

I usually see her for the weekend once every 2 weeks. So it isn't as though she would need space!

The workload can't be that heavy yet as they have only being doing it a short while. Sometimes I think she is more thinking of the trips to other countries

 

I don't try and hold her back either, after her Xmas time at home, she left mine early Sunday night because she had to be up early on Monday morning to travel back. Yet when she got there, they all went for a night out. Maybe it's wrong, but I just felt like yeah, she had such a good time with me as soon as she got back to her university house it is straight out.

 

For me, we had just spent 4 weeks together over Xmas, and it was her first night gone, I wasn't exactly in party mood.

 

 

I think she also feels that as one of her reasons too for feeling bad - when she goes out. I appreciate she has to have a life there, but going out a lot to spend a lot of money too, leaving non left for seeing me, doesn't seem that right. I could spend all my money on things, but I don't, I try and save some so we can do things together when she is home. I thought it was a sacrifice people are willing to make when in love *shrug*

 

Going no contact at the moment, but I do wonder why she texts me around 11:30pm at night, does she keep busy during the day and this is the time when her mind wonders what I am up to... or is she just trying to relieve some guilt just before going to bed..

 

I guess now I know why some people go for older women

 

-neverlost