curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Some of you read my earlier thread, leading up to my finally saying yup it's over. Short recap he is 52 and I am 43 we were together fro 4.5 years, and on January 4th I told him either we move forward or we end it, but 1 day a week is not enough for me. That is the last time I ever saw him. The last hug he ever gave me - as he told me he loved me and could not imagine his life without me. I told him he had days/weeks not months to figure this out. The following weekend he basically made sure he would not be able to see me - he made plans with his business partner 9 am saturday, when we knew a winter storm was on it's way expected to hit around 10 or 11 am. He called that monday, at which I asked if he thought ignoring the question would make it go away - and he had nothing to say. That was it. He never called again, he blocked me on yahoo - that's it nothing. He couldn't even tell me? I KNOW I did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. I don't even know how to describe it other than hurtful and disrespectful and cruel and selfish, and childish. Now I kick myself for being so upset. I kick myself for being so stupid for so long. I kick myself for ignoring the advice everyone on this site gave me, and the advice I would give anyone else if they posted my situation. I am destined to be alone. It is really so sad, because I am such a loving and giving person. Can someone please just help me understand why any grown man would act this way? I am not going to call him - NC is in full force, but I really need some help figuring this behaviour out. Please help me.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I am destined to be alone. It is really so sad, because I am such a loving and giving person. Oh come on, snap out of it. There is no such thing as 'destined to be alone'. This is "boo-hoo poor me" talk, and you can do better than that. Snap out of it woman, you have a spine, and it's holding your head up, so use both to full advantage. Get me...??! Can someone please just help me understand why any grown man would act this way? I am not going to call him - NC is in full force, but I really need some help figuring this behaviour out. Please help me. Because on the outside he's 52, but in reality he's 9 and a half. Picture all his actions performed by a little boy. Does it fit? Told you.
BikerBeagle Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Sadly, that's the funny thing about giving ultimatums ...sometimes, they don't go the way we imagined they would in our head.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It's been 16 days or a little over 2 weeks since you gave him the ultimatum. It's been barely a week since your last Monday contact. Here's a guy who's been happy seeing you one day a week, letting you pay for everything for the past 4.5 years. He's refused to bend an iota, begging you for more time when you last put your foot down but not putting anything more towards the relationship. If anything, he's fought for his "independence". Old dog new tricks, et. al. If you really want to wait, hoping he's going to pull through, that's of course your choice. I hope you don't. Instead, if you take that hope and refocus the energy into staying NC and moving on, you can only gain from this experience. When I say gain, the intent of moving on is to pull away and reground to yourself. If he does come back, you're going to need the strength to say no, if he pretends that nothing happened and wants to continue on with one day a week. Personally, I think he's teaching you a lesson about "wanting everything your way". He wants you to start the begging, pleading and bargaining, that many people do. Stand firm if what he has to offer isn't what you need.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Oh no, I have no illusions that he will come back. I think I would have probably continued to wait, had he not actually blocked me on yahoo. That was my last straw. Not only did I state that we are over, my facebook status yesterday was that I had been dumped. It was my way of forcing HIM to take ownership of what he's done. His friends and cousins are on facebook, and I am sure will question him when they see the status. If he does come back, I do not know how I can possibly accept any excuse for the type of cruelty he has demonstrated in his treatment of me. Thankfully I know that he is ok - because I know where he was Saturday night. So again he has no excuse for this. I am just stunned and devastated and all the other things I believe I've already said.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Stand firm if what he has to offer isn't what you need. This is the most critical part of your post for me to remember. Throughout this relationship I have always met HIS needs - and I have only expressed one need of my own (ok two needs - I pushed for sex too). I have spent the past week reminding myself that it is not all about the b/f - that I have the right to have my need met too. This am I tried to start the day with the thought of - thank G-d I have finally stopped off the planet it's all about HIM. Now it's back to being all about CNYCG - wish I could say it has helped, but I'm hoping in time it will.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Here's another way of looking at the reason for moving on. Anyone who's happy with one day a week, isn't terribly invested or committed towards an honest and mature relationship. You shouldn't have to strong arm or throw out ultimatums to get his attention. He should want to be with you, want to spend time with you, want to please you. The sooner you move on from this man, the sooner you'll make room in your heart for someone who wants the same things as you do.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Intellectually and rationally I know that you are 100% correct, of course you are. I should be thanking G-d in heaven to be rid of him. Emotionally however I am simply a mess right now.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Well, that's your choice. You don't have to be. Take a deep breath, shove your shoulders back, think "The guy is not worth the mess in my head!" and shove it out. Simple. Ok, not easy..... But simple.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It hurts bad. ((hugs)) Stand firm sweetheart.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 I am - the righteous indignation helps. Would really appreciate any insight that the gentlemen on this site might be able to offer. There are times, such as this one, that I believe our brains work differently.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Ooooh, that's dangerous.... You've actually verified he has one, have you.....?
Girlygirl1977 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I read your previous thread and maybe i'm jumping in a bit late here. Did you always only see each other once a week? I think that's a hint he never was that committed. I believe a man who is really incorporating a woman into his life will want much more than that. There is a sense of this relationship being one of convenience for him. When you want it more on your terms or a compromise he is less interested or willing to walk. You gave in a lot - 1 year stretched into 4.5years. It so tough and i really wish you well in this tough time! You have certainly invested a lot. Do not think too negatively about your future though (i.e. beyond this guy) - The more positive you are, the more your life moves that way.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=408025&postcount=1 Read this post from No Foolin' about the long walk!
climbergirl Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I remember your threads about this guy from way back. I can't even pretend to understand what's going through his head or why he's acting like such an a@@. I'm sure this wasn't his intent, but I think he is doing you a favor by acting so childish. Aside from him actually wanting to get married, this could have played out entirely differently. If he said he wasn't ready yet or just said he would never marry, you may have stuck around even longer. And I think if he was caring or loving towards you it would be hard to let him go. But now you see what kind of man he really is. I know you're sad, but you're also pi$$ed. Good. You have every right to be! You won't be sad forever, and I'm pretty positive you won't be alone forever.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 IDid you always only see each other once a week? I think that's a hint he never was that committed. I believe a man who is really incorporating a woman into his life will want much more than that. There is a sense of this relationship being one of convenience for him. When you want it more on your terms or a compromise he is less interested or willing to walk. Well when there was reason, it was more than 1X a week. We live over an hour apart, so it wasn't easy to just pop in. I'm not trying to make excuses - other than for why I might have accepted it. Does that make sense?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 If he does come back, you're going to need the strength to say no, if he pretends that nothing happened and wants to continue on with one day a week. Personally, I think he's teaching you a lesson about "wanting everything your way". He wants you to start the begging, pleading and bargaining, that many people do. Stand firm if what he has to offer isn't what you need. So you really think he might come back? I'm ready to stand my ground on not giving in unless he will give me what I need - but at this point I'm still stuck on how he could just walk away. I deserve the courtesy of at LEAST a good bye! Still hoping some guys might join to give some insight - because I'm simply stumped. How do you treat someone you love in this manner?
Trialbyfire Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 So you really think he might come back? I'm ready to stand my ground on not giving in unless he will give me what I need - but at this point I'm still stuck on how he could just walk away. I think this will depend on how you react. He's relying on your more assertive and impatient nature to get proactive with him by contacting him first. If you're patient and I mean really patient like months, sooner or later he's going to try a friendly contact, pretending nothing happened. No matter which way you look at it, I'm uncertain he's worth waiting for. Whether he is or not, you should try to focus on moving on. When you do so, it can only strengthen your resolve to not look back, even if, for that small chance, he does try to get back with you. He's passive-aggressive, which is a form of backdoor anger.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 TBF yup you have him nailed, he IS passive aggressive - my shrink (who the bf also saw a few times) said the same. I'm just so very, VERY stunned he could just walk away! It's just blowing my itty bitty brain! who does this? other than as Geisha said, a 9 year old?! Hence my continuing to ask for male input. Another thing that is not gelling for me is the fact that he's not telling anyone else either. So I've got all these people from "his" side calling me to coordinate plans, or get him to do something. WTF is up with that?! Why would he not at least tell his best friend? While I am resolved to move on, I'm just having huge issues understanding his method. I think it is very clear that it is over - but who the hell does this to someone who has been there for you literally through thick and thin?!
nature Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 He is extremely passive-aggressive. My take on this situation is...as long as you went along with things to his liking, and did not put too much pressure on him, then he was content in the relationship. He liked it just floating along and felt comfortable with it at that level. As long as you were going to go along with it, then he was happy. However, the minute you started putting pressure on him for more, his walls went up. He doesn't want more, as hard as that is for you to believe and accept. If he wanted more, he would have initiated more in the 4.5 yrs you've dated him. I think you hoped that by biding your time, he would eventually come around and "be ready" for more. Which is why he probably told you over and over to be patient, in time it will come, etc. That was his way of putting off the inevitable. Breaking up. Because he does not want more. How he can not want more, if he says he loves you? Hard to believe and accept. Especially when you do want more. You can't fathom how he could let you go, just because you want more from him. A lot of men would crawl on bended knee for a woman. Yet this man won't. And that hurts you like hell. He is a true commitment-phobe, as hard as it is for you to accept. He can have a relationship as long as it is on his terms and does not ask for much of him. But as soon as expectations are placed on him to buck up, he runs. He flees. He hides. He does anything he can to escape the thought of true commitment. To him, it is like a death sentence. Panic bubbles up in him. Anxiety encases him. And he just needs to run. He's not thinking about what this is doing to you right now. He is only thinking about getting as far away from the situation as possible. That is why no explanation. His explanation is in his disappearing. As the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words". His actions are very clearly telling you the answer. Is it polite? No. Is it respectful? No. But it is what you are getting, and as much as it hurts, it is your answer. No friends, family or yourself will change his mind. And the more he is guilted, the more he will flee. Guilt will not change this man, nor will your love change this man. He is a consummate commitment-phobe, as hard as that is to accept. Everything about his actions over the last 4.5 yrs were telling you that. Unfortunately, you fell for this man, so you did not want to believe it. You wanted so badly for him to change, and that eventually he would be like a "normal" man. Wanting and loving a commitment with you. You will never have this with this man. And much as you don't want to believe it, it is the truth. Unfortunately, many men and women have been strung along and very hurt by commitment-phobes. I once dated one, but thankfully, I researched commitment issues, and despite his pleas for me to be patient, I got out after a year. I knew the signs, and knew it wasn't goign to go anywhere. I could have gone along with that guy for 10 yrs, and it still would have been at the same state it was at the first year we dated. Because they do not want more. And they do not allow for more. My advice to you is to take that post off of Facebook. Save your dignity. Forget what his friends and family think. Yes, everyone probably does think he is an idiot, but it is not going to change things. He has deep seated issues when it comes to commitment. And nobody is going to change him. I'm sorry, but it's the reality.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks Nature - yes you are right, and yes I fell into a lot of traps. On our very first date the topic of marriage came up - he said he very much wanted it, and somehow I had the opportunity to say that I did not believe that at our ages long courtships (ie over a year) were reasonable. Unfortunately events got out of hand, and I allowed that to be an excuse to give him more time. Specifically he lost his job, was trying to start a new business (a couple times over) - and claimed to want that to have taken off before he took the next step with me, theoretically so he would be contributing to the overhead too. Yes the Facebook status has been off for a while - I think I only left it there for about 12 hours. In fact the people it was targetting didn't even see it - as two out of the three of them called me to coordinate plans with me and b/f over the next few weeks. I appareciate your taking the time to comment, and reserve the right to come back and whine
Trialbyfire Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 nyc, try reading this thread about my experience with a passive-aggressive person. It's crazy making! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=126877&highlight=passive-aggressive I never did get through to him and finally gave up.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 OMG I remember that thread! I specifically remembered Lezbean's first answer to you - I read it when you first posted, because I knew I was facing the same type of person. I never posted because I had nothing to contribute. Thanks so much for reminding me of it.
BoerumHill Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I am - the righteous indignation helps. Would really appreciate any insight that the gentlemen on this site might be able to offer. There are times, such as this one, that I believe our brains work differently. I can't help you. That's not how a gentleman behaves, so I have no idea what is going on in his head. I do know this...it's a big world out there. NYC seems cold and lonely sometimes (especially this time of year )...but there are good guys out there. There are just too many fish in the sea to worry about the one you had to throw back. You had a lot invested, and it's going to take time to sort your feelings out. Just accept that...it won't happen overnight. I'm not suggesting you (continue to) wallow in self-pity, but cut yourself a little slack. Healing takes time. He hasn't and wasn't going to meet your needs. Be thankful you have been freed from that. Know that one day you will meet someone right for you, more right than this clown ever could have been. For right now, just get through it one day at a time. Let yourself feel all this pain, don't push it away or deeper inside. You're barely halfway through life (I'm a couple years older...you are as young as you feel), and you have much to look forward to - but let yourself feel the pain, let it go, and let the healing begin. You want your heart to be ready to love again one day. So that's what you doing right now...learning what you can from this relationship, then moving forward. Always moving toward something - don't let the past rule who you are today. You're gonna be fine...but it might take awhile...and that's OK. Believe in your heart that this too shall pass.
Star Gazer Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 C, I'm sorry I missed this thread... I was in an inaugural haze, I think. Unfortunately, I don't really have any unique words of wisdom. I can only echo TBF. ((HUG)) You deserve so much better!
Recommended Posts