Recent breakup and my ex came to the same vacation spot as me. Thoughts?

January 20, 2009

My ex told me he was having doubts about us 2 weeks ago and we had a two hour discussion. He's 40 and never married and I'm 31 (never married). He was feeling pressures as far as committing after 3 months of dating and acknowledged he didn't get that pressure from me. To me when he said that - it ws a sign of the end and so that's what I proposed. I said we shouldn't be in contact and he didn't like the idea. I was saying to show strength of my conviction but have been in contact with my ex here and there since. His msgs have been flirty and a little sexual and I told him that would not be a good iea for us. He seemed to understand because they are no longer like that.

We had thought of going away this long weekend before the breakup and considered going to a certain caribbean island but decided on somewhere else. After things ended we didn't talk about it. I decided to go to the island anyway b/c it was my idea partially b/c I have a friend I can stay with.

Last Thursday i get a msg he is checking into flt to same place and he just decided day before. He said perhaps we can meet up and he hopes to see me there. I figured we could meet in a group and on sat. morn we talked about dinner and he said whatever works. In the evening I sent him a text and told him we would be a party of six. He called and said he didn't know it would be "all those people". So we decided to meet for a drink after. It was easy to talk and everything and he didn't try anything so he respected what I said in the prior week.

After he left (day before me) - I asked him why he came and he gave me some sensible reasons: weather, tennis, practice spanish and then admitted that sometimes we aren't aware why we do things nor do we always remember correctly. He is reaching out again - since I got back yesterday and his msgs seem to be more about how I'm doing and he had gone to see a movie I had recommended etc.

I feel like he came to the place and that was some sign maybe - but he didn't engage me in any discussion. What do you think of this?

January 20, 2009

reminds me of that movie forgetting sarah marshall

January 20, 2009

If you have only been dating 3 months, that would be way too soon to have committment talks. Since he was the one who brought them up - maybe he was just forewarning you that he is not looking for that.

With that, it is obvious he is still interested in seeing you - but without committment or strings.

If you want to date him , with no future plans (which would be pretty normal after 3 months) why not?

January 20, 2009

reminds me of that movie forgetting sarah marshall

This is exactly what I thought about!!!!

He doesn't want a committed relationship, but he doesn't want to lose you either. It's your call now!!! I don't like those little games.....not wanting a commitment, yet playing all flirty and what not to keep you hanging on a string. (ie. Stringing you along).

January 20, 2009

If you have only been dating 3 months, that would be way too soon to have committment talks. Since he was the one who brought them up - maybe he was just forewarning you that he is not looking for that.

With that, it is obvious he is still interested in seeing you - but without committment or strings.

If you want to date him , with no future plans (which would be pretty normal after 3 months) why not?

This is the impression I got with our discussion. He said he didn't conclude we couldn't work out long term but he was having some doubts as far as the commitment. So during that conversation - I just ended it then.

Yes I see he is interested and it is interesting that he came to the same spot (he is self-employed and so he can take days off when he wishes - while I planned it around this weekend b/c we had monday off - i.e. he had other days he could have chosen). I think the cards are on the table - mine and his. Definitely, I would not go for something that was indefinitely undefined though i can understand that a person might not know in 3 months I guess. During the dating it was mostly his intiation and we saw each other probably 3x a week and were in touch every day.

hmm. . .how should I deal with him now?

January 20, 2009

Hmm, this is tough. Clearly he's interested. But in what? He could be testing you. This could be the sign of a guy who will be a great bf, but then pull away every time he starts to feel too attached to you. Then he'll always be able to say "but I told you I wasn't in this for the long haul..." The fact he brought up the commited r/s thing after 3 months, and not you, says something about his focus on commitment (be it fear, or some doubt in his head that "you are the one.")

Do you want to go on an emotional rollercoaster ride with this guy?

January 20, 2009

Hmm, this is tough. Clearly he's interested. But in what? He could be testing you. This could be the sign of a guy who will be a great bf, but then pull away every time he starts to feel too attached to you. Then he'll always be able to say "but I told you I wasn't in this for the long haul..." The fact he brought up the commited r/s thing after 3 months, and not you, says something about his focus on commitment (be it fear, or some doubt in his head that "you are the one.")

Do you want to go on an emotional rollercoaster ride with this guy?

Yes that's why I ended it. The showing up to the same place seemed like he was acting out so I started to rethink it again. Yes I would be a bit concerned about the future if it was repetitive.

It sounds like he has done that before b/c he is unmarried at 40 and I talked to him about his previous relationships including one 4 years ago where the woman thought they could solve things by going to couples therapy 1.5 yrs into it because he couldn't commit. . . .When I heard that, I figured I don't want to end up like that. So he said he was bringing it up early given some of this.

I heard it and ran away - it seems unfair that he would test me now if he has nothing new to add. I would only be interested in something sincere which is why i'm responsive enough to him when he reaches out but I am not initiating. I am also pursuing other options.

The friend I visited and her bf (who is 39 unmarried and a bit more sympathetic) said since he showed up I should look into it. But is that enough?

January 20, 2009

Yes, his showing up was a big gesture. His backing out of meeting the people you know for dinner doesn't scream "I want to be in your life," though.

I'm so glad you're entertaining other options -- you sound very thoughtful and down-to-earth. Can you keep a grasp on things with your head before your heart if you start to see him again, and be sure to end it if/when this type of thing happens again?

It's also great that you're considering his r/s history. And it's good he's laying it all out there. Sometimes these guys have an immature view that when the right woman comes along, she'll make me want to commit, instead of realizing that commitment is their choice, alone, not because of some magical princess.

January 20, 2009

- it seems unfair that he would test me now if he has nothing new to add. I would only be interested in something sincere which is why i'm responsive enough to him when he reaches out but I am not initiating.

This isn't about you or what's fair to you. This is about him and what's entertaining to him. He is the consummate commitment-phobe. They love the chase and the conquer. It is fun, exciting and entertaining to them. That is why he went to the same place as you. It's all part of the fun game. At 40, self-employed, going on a little trip like that is no sweat off his back, if it brings him the thrill of the conquer.

the only problem is, the conquer is all it's about. It's not about really, really liking you or wanting a future with you. It's about the here and now.

3 months is not too soon to talk about commitment. Any relationship expert will tell you that by 3 months, people usually "know" and have some sense of whether or not this might be "the person" for you. And that if after 6 months they are not begging for commitment, they probably never will.

At 3 months, he is running away. While another guy may be envisioning you as his future wife and doing everything to move towards commitment and marriage. Don't make excuses for this guy, just becasue you like him. for some reason, when they run away like he's doing, women seem to want them more. They set up the dynamic that makes you feel every so slightly rejected, yet throw you a few crumbs to keep you confused, just enough, to keep coming back for more.

January 20, 2009

- it seems unfair that he would test me now if he has nothing new to add. I would only be interested in something sincere which is why i'm responsive enough to him when he reaches out but I am not initiating.
This isn't about you or what's fair to you. This is about him and what's entertaining to him. He is the consummate commitment-phobe. They love the chase and the conquer. It is fun, exciting and entertaining to them. That is why he went to the same place as you. It's all part of the fun game. At 40, self-employed, going on a little trip like that is no sweat off his back, if it brings him the thrill of the conquer.

the only problem is, the conquer is all it's about. It's not about really, really liking you or wanting a future with you. It's about the here and now.

3 months is not too soon to talk about commitment. Any relationship expert will tell you that by 3 months, people usually "know" and have some sense of whether or not this might be "the person" for you. And that if after 6 months they are not begging for commitment, they probably never will.

At 3 months, he is running away. While another guy may be envisioning you as his future wife and doing everything to move towards commitment and marriage. Don't make excuses for this guy, just becasue you like him. for some reason, when they run away like he's doing, women seem to want them more. They set up the dynamic that makes you feel every so slightly rejected, yet throw you a few crumbs to keep you confused, just enough, to keep coming back for more.

You are not reading me 100% correctly - though this is the first time I have met a guy like this. I also agree that at 3 months a guy should know. This is when guys have told me they wanted committment in previous relationships.

I am not making excuses for him - as I had written him off. I just ventured back to rethinking after the trip. I do not want him more b/c he ran away either and will not take crumbs. I just wanted to make sure how I am reading the situation and if the trip added any reason to change my thoughts.

I am self-confident enough that I feel pretty good about myself and my options. I was just checking on if there was any sincerity here. Probably I will just let him be a sideshow. It is not keeping me up at night at this point. I thought about it after the initial discussion for 2-3 days - and now I am just deciding how I will deal with him I guess.

Sounds like you have encountered this type before?

January 20, 2009

I do think you have your head on straight, and you were right in walking away and ending it like you did. However, he has definitely set up the dynamic to have you questioning is intentions. Rather than just walking away from you when you ended it. He is renting space in your brain. And that's what these guys do. And they do it well.

I've not experienced it myself, but stood by watching many of my friends go thru it. I've also been friends with guys like this. They wanted to date me in the first place, but I sniffed them out from the start (lol) so never went anywhere with them and just ended up being friends with them. Thank gawd. lol I know a few guys now who are 40 and the same. And I just laugh and poke at them for it. And feel very sorry for the women who's paths they cross in a romantic way.

but if you are strong and lighthearted about it, as you sound, then no harm done. As long as you don't take them too seriously, they are the most fun guys in the world to hang out with. They are outgoing and flirty and lots of laughs. Good as buddies.

But if you have even the slightest interest, then keep doing what you are doing. Be the hard to get woman as you are. Make them work for you. Maybe you'll be the one to cure his commitment phobia? I always think about Warren Beatty. He was the forever ending, commitment phobic bachelor until his mid-40s. Until Annette Benning came along. She was the intelligent, intriguing woman who wouldn't play to his ways. And he fell madly in love with her and committed. They now have children and he is more committed than a lot of men.

So i think commitment phobes can change. It just takes the right person to knock them off their fear/grass is greener pedestal. The person who makes them work for them. The person who makes them feel they would be lucky to have them.

And you sound like you may be that person! He is obviously intrigued enough to follow you on your trip! Keep him chasing. lol

January 20, 2009

I do think you have your head on straight, and you were right in walking away and ending it like you did. However, he has definitely set up the dynamic to have you questioning is intentions. Rather than just walking away from you when you ended it. He is renting space in your brain. And that's what these guys do. And they do it well.

I've not experienced it myself, but stood by watching many of my friends go thru it. I've also been friends with guys like this. They wanted to date me in the first place, but I sniffed them out from the start (lol) so never went anywhere with them and just ended up being friends with them. Thank gawd. lol I know a few guys now who are 40 and the same. And I just laugh and poke at them for it. And feel very sorry for the women who's paths they cross in a romantic way.

but if you are strong and lighthearted about it, as you sound, then no harm done. As long as you don't take them too seriously, they are the most fun guys in the world to hang out with. They are outgoing and flirty and lots of laughs. Good as buddies.

But if you have even the slightest interest, then keep doing what you are doing. Be the hard to get woman as you are. Make them work for you. Maybe you'll be the one to cure his commitment phobia? I always think about Warren Beatty. He was the forever ending, commitment phobic bachelor until his mid-40s. Until Annette Benning came along. She was the intelligent, intriguing woman who wouldn't play to his ways. And he fell madly in love with her and committed. They now have children and he is more committed than a lot of men.

So i think commitment phobes can change. It just takes the right person to knock them off their fear/grass is greener pedestal. The person who makes them work for them. The person who makes them feel they would be lucky to have them.

And you sound like you may be that person! He is obviously intrigued enough to follow you on your trip! Keep him chasing. lol

Thanks for the background info. It helps me understand where you are coming from. Yeah I'm not interested in thinking i'm going change a perpetural bachelor. I would not go in thinking i'm the annette benning to his warren beatty. Yes I can see somehow I have some hold on him, but who knows if that is sustainable. I am definitely acting like who I am - so i'm being true to myself.

[sIZE=2]You know I'm actually not going to initiate any talk though of course and will let it play out. He hasn't sucked me in so I don't expect to reap too much damage with this approach. I can see the red flags and did not fall in love so far so I have some control and logic. And it is kind of entertaining and I need to get some other candidates pronto to not be too distracted. I can let it play out in the shadows I guess but need to not pulled in. Since I still think a man of his "breed" if I have assessed him correctly may never change, I wouldn't want to bank on it.

[/sIZE]

April 3, 2009

As an update - I'm dating an ex from who I dated when I was 23. I'm 31 now and we dated back then for 2.5 years but parted when it was a period of cross country long distance though we originally had worked together.

As far as T (40-yr old) last friday - he had asked if I wanted to have tea on Sunday but when I woke I didn’t see myself having time for that given my schedule with new guy that day etc. He asked if I wanted to meet on Monday for a drink. I responded ok and he picked the bar we went to last time when we met (met once in February and soon after his dad died and he was gone for about a month - (less than a block from my apt). Well I probably considered cancelling b/c I had agreed to this on Sunday, but I waited so long with no action on that so I ended up going. I did have some curiosity. Well he mentioned he was dating a new lady who posed a threat to my theory about 40+ and commitment. he told me the woman’s name and it wasn’t too hard to figure her out as he told me she went to my college (she's 5 years older than me though, 36 going on 37)so she’s closer to his age.

She's half from a similar part of the world I am from but he couldn't remember or didnt know which of two possible countries it was. but I guess that’s the point – really it is early. But as he keeps those notes on all his dates – he said he met her at a party at the end of January and it was like a lightning bolt as far as their conversation (which given he keeps notes was a first time for him). She apparently got out of a relationship recently but he admits she didn’t say when. . .so he feels strongly about her but he says she has sold her on himself now so they are equal on it now. So they had 3 successive dates soon before his father died. Sounds like i met up with him in february around this time too. . . And then he was gone for 3 weeks for Dad's death and then again recently for 9 days coming back last week. He did not tell her he was meeting me because that would have sounded weird. I did call him out on some of his weird behavior etc. (leaving at 3am on NYE etc. b/c I don’t care now). And he admits his track record doesn’t sound good – he was asking if he should tell all of it. ..umm. . .she apparently was pretty cynical in the beginning but has warmed to it.

He said I didn’t seem to want to be friends first and I had to explain to him that he had a sexual overtone to it. And he admitted that yes even though he brought up his issues to me, he thought he could continue with that other stuff?! Very strange – he said in high school he dated someone named her first name and then my first name as the person's last name?! very strange.

He said we should keep each other updated. I did talk for a while about my current guy at the end and he seemed bored/ticked off. He apologized that he wasn't walking me to my door. He lives in other direction and I didn't care - we are'nt dating.

Can being friends be so easy? I told him I'm rooting for him with the new lady - really I am (he's a lot to deal with and i do hope it's possible). Can friendship be so easy for us? And can he be cured so easily?

Sign In

Recent breakup and my ex came to the same vacation spot as me. Thoughts?

Recommended Posts

Girlygirl1977

EmperorR

2sure

nature

Girlygirl1977

bubblegum

Girlygirl1977

bubblegum

nature

Girlygirl1977

nature

Girlygirl1977

Girlygirl1977

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...