Torn between husband's offers and family/friend's protests to go back.

[pavilion71]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

Here's my situation...

 

A couple of months ago my husband and I separated, for the second time, (sure that a divorce would soon follow).

 

Not the case, he wants me back.

 

But I have already started seeing someone else, a (currently unemployed, ex-boyfriend) actually.

 

I told my family and friends the reason for the separation as well as his pleas and offers for me to take him back. I'm sure you can imagine their response.

 

With my current situation where I am at now with living arrangements, job, financial standing, etc., my husband's offers are very tempting!

 

To get a better idea of what of my situation is like...I currently live with my sister's LARGE family(9 total!), I don't have a job/income(I live in a state where unemployment is through the roof! and jobs are very hard to come by)(yes, I have searched for work and still looking), my health is not good and i need surgery(possible breast cancer). I have exhausted every option in this state to get some type of help, to no avail, either due to lack of program funds or not qualifying because of my young age(32).

 

My family and friends say not to go back to him and his offers are just a ploy to get me back. They also tell me to go stay with this other guy.

 

So, do I listen to my family and stick with this guy(that's unemployed, undecisive with the type of job he wants, dreams of 'hitting the lottery'/a gambler and is not too far off, like I am, with his situation) I'm with now or do I go back to my husband and have my health problem , living situation, job, etc. taken care of?

 

Any and all comments/suggestion/advice on this matter is greatly appreciated!

 

If anything is unclear about this matter, please feel free to send me any questions so that I can better clarify it for you.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

[sonofhud]

So I take it you have no children with your husband? Can you possibly tell us why you and your husband keep seperating?

[Velvet Eel]

You're asking us whether you should make a compromise, and go back, for practical reasons, into an unsuccessful marriage.

 

As a complete stranger, I can only tell you what I'd do. If you're not in love with the guy you're seeing, GO BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND. You could try being honest (or relatively honest) with him, and telling him you're not 100% convinced that it's a good idea. You could go back on a trial basis. But I think that if you are unemployed and sick, you will need loving support from someone who can offer that to you. And if, in return, you open yourself up to all of his good qualities, you won't just be "using" him. You'll be seriously working on your relationship.

 

Maybe it will last, and maybe not. But you do need to take care of yourself, and put yourself in the best possible circumstances.

[HokeyReligions]

My gut instinct says Go Back To Your Husband. As long as he is not abusive, let him know that you are willing to try again, but that one of the key reasons is that you are facing a potential health crisis and need the security he will bring, and also by being together during this time you will be able to see how you two handle it together.

 

Dump the other guy - he's a rebound and he can't take care of your non-emotional needs right now, and those must be faced immediately.

 

Once you have gotten past the breast cancer scare (hopefully that's all it is) and have your own income (keep looking for a job - you'll get one eventually) you can reassess the marriage and make a decision then. You may surprise each other by how well you deal with this health crisis together.

[Lurker]

Do you love your husband? Or do you just want his emotional and financial stability? If you don't love him, then you have no business getting back together with him just because you are in need at this time. There's no excuse for using another human being this way, especially one who presumably actually loves you.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Lurker

Do you love your husband? Or do you just want his emotional and financial stability? If you don't love him, then you have no business getting back together with him just because you are in need at this time. There's no excuse for using another human being this way, especially one who presumably actually loves you.

 

I have to disagree a little with this - if she has breast cancer and her life is in danger then "using" another person financially and emotionally is acceptable so long as the other party (her husband) knows that is one of the key reasons she is getting back with him. When someone is in a life-threatening situation it changes every relationship and we each have to do whatever we can to save the life.

 

Communication is always vital, but taking strength, a shoulder to cry on, the knowledge that there is someone who loves her and will be there for her, and to lessen the stress and worry about finances could actually save her life.

[lurker]

I have to disagree a little with this - if she has breast cancer and her life is in danger then "using" another person financially and emotionally is acceptable so long as the other party (her husband) knows that is one of the key reasons she is getting back with him. When someone is in a life-threatening situation it changes every relationship and we each have to do whatever we can to save the life.

 

Hmmm. I agree that a life-threatening situation changes everything (side note: she does not know that she has breast cancer at this point). But I'm not sure I agree that this gives her license to use her husband. Even if she lays it out for him -- tells him she doesn't love him but is merely coming back for the security he affords her -- if he loves her, will he be in any position to say no? My guess is that he won't be able to. And while I understand her desire to get treatment, etc., at any cost, what will be the cost to him for whatever the outcome will be?

 

I think in large part what I am reacting to is the absolute lack of affection or caring in the original post:

do I go back to my husband and have my health problem , living situation, job, etc. taken care of?

 

Maybe I don't know enough about their relationship.

[brashgal]

Think hard about why you separated. Will you be doing yourself more emotional harm by returning to him? Your family and friends may think you should not go back but it's hard for them to be objective.