Aen Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Hey all, first time posting here. As this is a divorce forum, i wanted to share mine and maybe get some advice. I am 29 years old and have been married 5 and a half years. We have no kids at all. A year and a half ago out of no where she blew up at me. She said she was not happy with how much we pay for the house and the bills. she said she would be fine but needed a little bit of time. As the months when on, i was being supportive and gave her her space she asked for. I heard her complaints about me and i changed. she was upset that through our marriage the dissensions we made together, she never agreed on.. inside. She always thought it was a good idea to get this or that. Buying the house... she wanted a new one... But she really did not agree and never did because she just didnt want conflicts. A month after this happened she told me she doesnt know if she loves me anymore.. and she said "i dont know" and i asked if she loves someone else, and she said "i dont know" again. Well, last week she said the relationship will not work out and we just might as well divorce. I expected that it was coming. It still hit me really hard. Then the stress followed. The house is worth less then what we paid for it. And we even put 18,000 into finishing off the basement which we still have 10k left on the home equity loan. and we owe 192,000 on the house We got about 12,000 in credit card debt. I wont be able to afford the house by mself and i am not sure about roommates. I just dont know what to do? she wants it done and doesnt want to wait on the house. Our savings is our 401k's and i got 12,000 and she has 7,000. I just think she found someone else and wants it done with. Not make an excuse like that and just end our relationship.. it kills me inside
Author Aen Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Where's she living now? still live together at the same house.
Nomad1 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 It sucks! Based on what I have read here over the past year and a half, it sounds to me that there is a third party in the picture. The world could tremble around her and she will be oblivious to it. One thing you have going for you is that you have no kids. It will be tough though. Fasten your seatbelt, the rollercoaster is about to begin. Understand that nothing you can do can change a thing. She's gone. She doesn't care less about the debts. She will tell you it is all your fault. Get legal representation and formalise the division of liability. Get a second job if you have to and start saving the income into your own personal account. You will have to pay for your debts. Your home maybe repossessed. So what! A happy life is life full of challenges that you meet head on. Tell her to move out. Get student lodgers in to help with repayment. Understand that worse things have happened to people but they recovered and restarted their lives. It will be a long bumpy road. Be strong. People have amazing inner strength. They just have to find it inside them. Good luck my friend. Stay strong. Nomad1
J2FT1 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 "A year and a half ago out of no where she blew up at me." It wasn't out of nowhere. Either you screwed up long before that or she screwed someone long before that.
carhill Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 OK, since she has made this unilateral decision, ask her to move out. That's only fair, since she is the one who doesn't want to be married anymore. Then, make an appointment with a divorce mediator. You can retain a lawyer, but it will be expensive (generally 3-10K upfront) and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of liquid capital. She'll need separate counsel. I'd test the amicable divorce waters first. Her response to mediation will indicate where this will likely go. Do you live in an at-fault jurisdiction?
Author Aen Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Do you live in an at-fault jurisdiction? I am not sure what that is. I cannot ask her to leave yet, i cannot afford the house by myself which is a huge problem. Then the other debt... she doesnt want the house just her jeep.
carhill Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 An "at-fault" jurisdiction is one where one marital party can sue another for divorce due to a "fault" (fraud and infidelity would be two examples) by one of the marital partners. Such fault can have monetary repercussions, in addition to custody implications (not applicable to you since you have no children). If your wife is contributing financially to the maintenance of the house (mortgage, taxes, upkeep), you'll have to realize that this can end tomorrow. She'll just say "sorry" and you won't have any choice in the matter. Start making plans to deal with it (find extra work, sell assets, call your mortgage servicer, advertise for roomers, etc) today. Will market rent cover the costs of ownership right now? Do you have anyone you can move in with? That would be another option. Get her out, get a leasee, and rent out the house. The most important thing to remember is to not expect her to be cooperative. BTW, there are free legal clinics which can offer legal advice based on your ability to pay. Further, most lawyers offer free consultations. I'd heartily recommend that. Also, there are peer user forums on the internet for people dealing with the realities of divorce, meaning the nuts and bolts of the process, not the relationship part. Search them out. If you take a hard line (yes, it's painful), she'll get the message clearly that she is responsible for her actions and the effect on you and that there are consequences for everyone.
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