HIS way of dealing with things

[sinkerswim]

He is telling me this is very hard on him..as he loves me and I am a significant part of his life..that it will be very hard to ever forget me.

 

But yet...he takes me out for dinner tonite...keeps putting on a happy face...singing songs that were on the radio..being all cheerful.

 

I said to him "You are acting like I Never mattered to you after 4 years"

He said.."I never said you didnt matter"..

he is ALWAYS Joking around....

He said.."This is hard for me to go through as well...but Im not going to mope and weep and hang my head low all day".

(like I have been)

 

He said..he cant stand talking about it anymore..that this is one of the biggest reasons he doesnt want to be with me anymore... that I nag too much. That I talk about the same things ALL THE TIME.

WHAT DOES WANT???

HE IS UPROOTING MY LIFE.., I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO NOT ONLY HIM, BUT MY HOME I MADE OUT HERE, MY FRIENDS AND MY FUTURE PLANS I HAVE MADE WITH HIM AND MY FRIENDS.

I lived with him for well over a year...he couldn't WAIT until I finally moved out here in 2007..and all was not "perfect" with my job or emotions ...so now he needs to break up with me.

 

I told him.."I loved you unconditionally...I loved you for all your quirks and faults"

He told me.. "I tried to put up with yours and did for awhile....but I cant do it anymore..I am sorry."

It is heart wrenching. Just heart wrenching.

 

He says he loves me and I FINALLY ask tonite... "WHY.. WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?"

He said with all sincerity..like he ALWAYS USED TO.

"I love you..because you are so easy to love..its hard NOT to love you"

He told me this even in the beginning of our relationship.

But I said to him..

"But you are giving up on us..if you love me..you wouldnt do this"

he said

"Sometimes Love just Isnt enough".

 

I keep going back to all of our special memories. Really wonderful moments.

Times at the zoo, vacations, exclusive dinners that he said I truly deserved this happiness in my life..and would do anything for me. Oh and the biggest one yet..

"He would never hurt my heart"

The promise ring he gave me.. that was a stepping stone to our engagement.

The Xmas card he gave my parents our first year together..

"Thank you for your beautiful daughter..I will always treasure her"

 

The cards over the years he has given me.. Thanking ME FOR WHO I AM. LOVING ME FOR WHO I AM.

Saying I am the sweetest person he knows.

 

Was his love conditional?? I guess so. He sure made it sound like it was unconditional though..in the first 3 years.

WHY DID HE CHANGE???? All the promises..all those moments.

Now he is acting like this isnt even bothering him in the least.

 

OUCH.

I don't want to go on without him.

I know I have to.

But I don't want my journey in life to go on without him. I AM SCARED. I AM SO SCARED.

This cant be happening. NOT NOW.

Where did our 4 years go???

WILL HE EVEN MISS ME?????

[nature]

Take a deep breath, muster up the strength, and either call him or send him an email saying: "You are right. I have had time to think about this, and I have not been happy with a lot of your behaviour either. This break up is for the best."

 

It is not how you feel, but it will shock him silly. Because right now he thinks he's got you. Begging and pleading. And it's just stroking his ego. So agree with the break up, then start packing.

 

He won't get it. It will not be what he expects. And that is what you want to do and show him. You must redeem yourself after pleading with him. His ego is much too big right now.

[sinkerswim]

Take a deep breath, muster up the strength, and either call him or send him an email saying: "You are right. I have had time to think about this, and I have not been happy with a lot of your behaviour either. This break up is for the best."

 

It is not how you feel, but it will shock him silly. Because right now he thinks he's got you. Begging and pleading. And it's just stroking his ego. So agree with the break up, then start packing.

 

He won't get it. It will not be what he expects. And that is what you want to do and show him. You must redeem yourself after pleading with him. His ego is much too big right now.

Oh..I agree..his ego his huge right now. i didnt realize it until tonite at dinner.

We are still living together until I go back home on the 30th.

 

Now..just as I was responding to you..

he comes in to say goodnight as usual...and gives me a kiss and asks when Im coming to bed.

Like nothing is even wrong.

WONT HE MISS ME??

 

He is a very affectionate guy..and cant keep his hands off me. meaning..hugs and cuddling.

but he wants me gone???

I DONT UNDERSTAND.

[carhill]

He really wanted it to be the way you say you perceived it. You did and said all the right things. In the end, the reality, the truth, just wasn't in him, in his soul. Ask yourself, would you rather he let you go gently and with care, or with cold and ugly actions and words? He respects and values the past but evidently doesn't see a future.

 

Send him that e-mail. I think that's honest. If his response is empathetic and validating, I'll know I'm right. If not, you can rightfully denigrate his ego-feeding, self-involved personality. Hope I'm right

[nature]

I told him.."I loved you unconditionally...I loved you for all your quirks and faults"

He told me.. "I tried to put up with yours and did for awhile....but I cant do it anymore..I am sorry."

Oh my gosh, if someone said this to me, I'd say, OK...walk in to the other room, pack a bag, go stay at a friends, cry my eyes out, go back to the house when he is out, pack up my stuff, and be gone. PRIDE.

Whether getting dumped by someone being kind to you about it, or dumped by someone being cruel and angry, it still hurts. It is huge rejections.

 

Staying in the house with him right now....not good. First of all, not good for you. Second of all, not good for him. Because he doesn't have to feel the loss and can get used to it slowly over a few days until you leave. Disappear. Shake him up. Don't answer his calls. Don't accept his hugs. He's doing all of that because he feels bad, guilty and is trying to hurt you as little as possible. But you do hurt. You feel rejected and betrayed.

 

So pick yourself up, and get out of that house. Even if it's not what you want to do. Clinging to him over the next 10 days is not going to make him change his mind. Leaving and disappearing is about the only thing that will shake up his world and possibly make him reconsider.

How old is he?

[neverlost]

I keep going back to all of our special memories. Really wonderful moments.

Times at the zoo, vacations, exclusive dinners that he said I truly deserved this happiness in my life..and would do anything for me. Oh and the biggest one yet..

"He would never hurt my heart"

The promise ring he gave me.. that was a stepping stone to our engagement.

The Xmas card he gave my parents our first year together..

"Thank you for your beautiful daughter..I will always treasure her"

 

The cards over the years he has given me.. Thanking ME FOR WHO I AM. LOVING ME FOR WHO I AM.

Saying I am the sweetest person he knows.

 

Was his love conditional?? I guess so. He sure made it sound like it was unconditional though..in the first 3 years.

WHY DID HE CHANGE???? All the promises..all those moments.

Now he is acting like this isnt even bothering him in the least.

 

Not at all a good idea thinking about these things. I think like that too... all the things you did together, the days away, places you went. And if you have something you got together from say a day away and it is sitting there staring you in the face, even worse. Maybe not all these times were perfect, they just seem like that are right now as we have nothing else to hold onto.

 

If you are still there, cuddling him etc. you are not going to get over this at all, that is a cruel situation. And he can't miss you when you are right there everytime he needs you.

 

People change and promises change but at the time, they were very true.

 

Please just realise you are in the middle of the storm right now, as I am too. Someday soon that will pass. Before you met this guy, you had no idea about all the times you would have, just as you have no idea now what times may lay ahead of you (which are good ones, I mean!).

 

You are not alone,

 

-neverlost

[sinkerswim]

I told him.."I loved you unconditionally...I loved you for all your quirks and faults"

He told me.. "I tried to put up with yours and did for awhile....but I cant do it anymore..I am sorry."

Oh my gosh, if someone said this to me, I'd say, OK...walk in to the other room, pack a bag, go stay at a friends, cry my eyes out, go back to the house when he is out, pack up my stuff, and be gone. PRIDE.

Whether getting dumped by someone being kind to you about it, or dumped by someone being cruel and angry, it still hurts. It is huge rejections.

 

Staying in the house with him right now....not good. First of all, not good for you. Second of all, not good for him. Because he doesn't have to feel the loss and can get used to it slowly over a few days until you leave. Disappear. Shake him up. Don't answer his calls. Don't accept his hugs. He's doing all of that because he feels bad, guilty and is trying to hurt you as little as possible. But you do hurt. You feel rejected and betrayed.

 

So pick yourself up, and get out of that house. Even if it's not what you want to do. Clinging to him over the next 10 days is not going to make him change his mind. Leaving and disappearing is about the only thing that will shake up his world and possibly make him reconsider.

How old is he?

I dont want him to think that i hate him or that I dont care.....I want him to know how much I do love him..and I KNOW he knows. I want him to remember our good times. I guess.

 

He is turning 39 in a month.

 

When I met him..he said he was so thrilled to have found me..and that he was happy he doesn't have to "look for someone" anymore..because he loved me soo soo much and wanted to marry me and have our children together.

 

:-(

I feel very sad today. I actually hurt all over.

I am dreading not talking to him everyday when I move.

How does one handle that?

[sinkerswim]

Not at all a good idea thinking about these things. I think like that too... all the things you did together, the days away, places you went. And if you have something you got together from say a day away and it is sitting there staring you in the face, even worse. Maybe not all these times were perfect, they just seem like that are right now as we have nothing else to hold onto.

 

If you are still there, cuddling him etc. you are not going to get over this at all, that is a cruel situation. And he can't miss you when you are right there everytime he needs you.

 

People change and promises change but at the time, they were very true.

 

Please just realise you are in the middle of the storm right now, as I am too. Someday soon that will pass. Before you met this guy, you had no idea about all the times you would have, just as you have no idea now what times may lay ahead of you (which are good ones, I mean!).

 

You are not alone,

 

-neverlost

Thank you , neverlost..It only feels like I am alone...

We all have each other on here to get us through.

I am terrified of how I am gonna handle being 900 miles from him again.

When we did our long distance relationship...he always told me to smile and be happy..because we would see each other again soon and live together one day.

Now I gotta go on life without him and possibly not see him again.

I AM HURTING BAD.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thank you , neverlost..It only feels like I am alone...

We all have each other on here to get us through.

I am terrified of how I am gonna handle being 900 miles from him again.

When we did our long distance relationship...he always told me to smile and be happy..because we would see each other again soon and live together one day.

Now I gotta go on life without him and possibly not see him again.

I AM HURTING BAD.

 

Sinkerswikm -you are most definitely not alone. Everytime I read one of your posts, I start to cry - because I only wish my ex would have told me what was in his head. Insted, he just walked away. Never even told me it was over.

 

I don't know how you are coping still being in the same house - I would have left at the first mention of parting ways. I really think you need to do that. What is keeping you there until the 30th? None of these friends you mention can put you up?

 

I guess in a way mine is a little easier, because we are not co habitating, and there is no chance will will run into each other accidently - but it still hurts more than I can say.

[nature]

He knows you love him. You do not need to sit there in front of him, pining away for him to know you love him. Believe me, he knows. The bottom line is, he has ended it with you, regardless of how much you love him.

 

Stop torturning yourself, in hopes that if you sit there under the same roof as him the next 10 days that he'll change his mind. Shake him up. You must have a friend you can stay with. Desperately clinging to him is not going to make him change his mind. And at the same time, you are torturing yourself.

 

The only thing that may possibly shake him up, is to feel what it's like wihtout you right there. I know you are sad and depressed. It is awful. But go be wtih a friend.

[cabarc1]

I agree with Nature!! Go with what she says!!!

[sinkerswim]

I know..I should have stayed with someone..my friends did offer.

But the weird part is...

at night..he acts like things are normal...we eat dinner, we watch tv together..we watched the inauguration last night and talked and stuff.

He will kiss me good morning..etc.

 

It is sooo weird.

 

What does bother me is though...I keep asking him to please always be friends with me and he has promised he would and last night after I asked AGAIN..he said..."I'll try..only if you dont call and nag me all the time or pull something...you gotta be careful about that".

 

I am keeping my cat here until May...he loves my cat and this is the best thing for him right now. (my cat that is)

It will be too stressful dragging him 4 states...and then I have nowhere for him to go really.

My boyfriend will take good care of him , I know he would and he knows when I am coming back for him.

But I want to keep tabs on my cat..my friends are just like...once a week..just drop an email or call if you feel you need to..to ONLY check on the cat.

[sinkerswim]

Sinkerswikm -you are most definitely not alone. Everytime I read one of your posts, I start to cry - because I only wish my ex would have told me what was in his head. Insted, he just walked away. Never even told me it was over.

 

I don't know how you are coping still being in the same house - I would have left at the first mention of parting ways. I really think you need to do that. What is keeping you there until the 30th? None of these friends you mention can put you up?

 

I guess in a way mine is a little easier, because we are not co habitating, and there is no chance will will run into each other accidently - but it still hurts more than I can say.

NYCGirl...I am sorry your guy did this to you..My ex fiance did the same thing to me 5 years ago. :-( One day you will get closure..I did. He called me a year and a half later. But I did NOT take him back...but it made me feel good.

do you guys live far from each other? Is that why you wont see him?

 

That is what I am terrified of..knowing my boyfriend will be so far after I move from him.

Would he ever want me back if he wanted me again??

[nature]

I know..I should have stayed with someone..my friends did offer.

You still can stay with someone else. You still have 9 days left. Not only are you torturing yourself by staying, you are also giving off a "needy", desperate vibe. He knows he has you in the palm of his hand. And his ego is freaking huge right now. I still think, pack a bag and go stay with a friend. Why are you staying there desperately trying to get him to change his mind? If you want him to change his mind, you are goign about it the wrong way by staying there.

 

But the weird part is...

at night..he acts like things are normal...we eat dinner, we watch tv together..we watched the inauguration last night and talked and stuff.

He will kiss me good morning..etc.

He acts like this because he doesn't want any drama. He's trying to pretend everything is cool until you leave. He's trying to keep things as smooth and drama-free as possible until you leave.

 

It is sooo weird.

No, it's not weird. You just want to feel it is weird, so that you can convince yourself he will change his mind and still want you. I'm sorry, but staying there allowing this behaviour is the wrong thing to be doing.

 

What does bother me is though...I keep asking him to please always be friends with me and he has promised he would

Gack, his ego must be the size of Mt.Everest. Holy cow, girl, muster up some self-worth. You don't beg the person who dumped you, to be your friend. Argh. Stop this now. If anything, he should be begging you to still be his friend. And you should be saying no. Argh.

 

and last night after I asked AGAIN..he said..."I'll try..only if you dont call and nag me all the time or pull something...you gotta be careful about that".

This is killing me. This guy is beyond pompous at the moment. And you are feeding his ego. No person should be allowed that kind of arrogance. What an a**hole. Arghhhhhhhhhh.

 

Please, for me, stop acting so needy and desperate. I can't stand it when I see people selling themselves short like this. Stop, for the sake of all human beings, stop giving this guy such a big ego boost. How can you do this? Honestly? Is he really that great? Because I don't think there's anyone on the planet who is that great. Nobody deserves this kind of ego. It's painful to even listen to. Telling you, "you gotta be careful". It's laughable, it's so self-righteous and ridiculous.

[sinkerswim]

I know..I should have stayed with someone..my friends did offer.

You still can stay with someone else. You still have 9 days left. Not only are you torturing yourself by staying, you are also giving off a "needy", desperate vibe. He knows he has you in the palm of his hand. And his ego is freaking huge right now. I still think, pack a bag and go stay with a friend. Why are you staying there desperately trying to get him to change his mind? If you want him to change his mind, you are goign about it the wrong way by staying there.

 

But the weird part is...

at night..he acts like things are normal...we eat dinner, we watch tv together..we watched the inauguration last night and talked and stuff.

He will kiss me good morning..etc.

He acts like this because he doesn't want any drama. He's trying to pretend everything is cool until you leave. He's trying to keep things as smooth and drama-free as possible until you leave.

 

It is sooo weird.

No, it's not weird. You just want to feel it is weird, so that you can convince yourself he will change his mind and still want you. I'm sorry, but staying there allowing this behaviour is the wrong thing to be doing.

 

What does bother me is though...I keep asking him to please always be friends with me and he has promised he would

Gack, his ego must be the size of Mt.Everest. Holy cow, girl, muster up some self-worth. You don't beg the person who dumped you, to be your friend. Argh. Stop this now. If anything, he should be begging you to still be his friend. And you should be saying no. Argh.

 

and last night after I asked AGAIN..he said..."I'll try..only if you dont call and nag me all the time or pull something...you gotta be careful about that".

This is killing me. This guy is beyond pompous at the moment. And you are feeding his ego. No person should be allowed that kind of arrogance. What an a**hole. Arghhhhhhhhhh.

 

Please, for me, stop acting so needy and desperate. I can't stand it when I see people selling themselves short like this. Stop, for the sake of all human beings, stop giving this guy such a big ego boost. How can you do this? Honestly? Is he really that great? Because I don't think there's anyone on the planet who is that great. Nobody deserves this kind of ego. It's painful to even listen to. Telling you, "you gotta be careful". It's laughable, it's so self-righteous and ridiculous.

I know..I NEED to hear this...

I guess I dont see it the way other people do. I just love him sooo much.

Everyone tells me his ego must be huge.

OMG..I feel so desperate and I hate it.

[nature]

You feel so desperate because you are acting and behaving so desperate. And desperation is the biggest turn off to men. And to women, for that matter.

 

Of course you see things different than the way other people do. Because you have concocted this "fantasy" in your brain that tells you, if you stick around and be nicey-nice to him, he will change his mind. Not going to happen.

 

Keep doing this, and the next thing you will hear is he is dating a vixen who made him work for her. A woman who's a challenge. A woman with self-worth. Nobody wants someone with no self-worth.

 

Ever heard of the book "Men Love Bitches"? Go buy it. It explains very clearly that men do not like needy, desperate, insecure women. You do not feel like a prize to your ex, because you do not act like a prize. We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You're acting like a doormat, so he sees you as a doormat. Not exactly appealing, is it? His tears aren't because he is in love with you and is changing his mind. His tears are because you are acting so pathetic and making him feel guilty that he's turned you into such a doormat. Seriously. He wants out even more now. Not kidding.

 

Who wants some clinging, pathetic, desperate person? Not me. And obviously, not your ex either. So even if you don't feel like a prize, teach yourself some acting skills, and fake it. Because this nicey-nice little act is probably making him as turned off as we all are. Being nicey-nice to him is not being nicey-nice to you. And he sees this.

 

Why would a man want some insecure, needy woman pining at his feet, when he can chase some intelligent, hot woman with self-respect who makes him work for her? Be that woman, if not for him, then for yourself. Or at least for me. lol

 

Go pack a bag, muster up some self worth, and be a woman that a man would feel proud to be with. Stop being a pathetic, clinging doormat. PLEASE. I'm sure you weren't like this when he first met you? So stop being like it now.

[sinkerswim]

You feel so desperate because you are acting and behaving so desperate. And desperation is the biggest turn off to men. And to women, for that matter.

 

Of course you see things different than the way other people do. Because you have concocted this "fantasy" in your brain that tells you, if you stick around and be nicey-nice to him, he will change his mind. Not going to happen.

 

Keep doing this, and the next thing you will hear is he is dating a vixen who made him work for her. A woman who's a challenge. A woman with self-worth. Nobody wants someone with no self-worth.

 

Ever heard of the book "Men Love Bitches"? Go buy it. It explains very clearly that men do not like needy, desperate, insecure women. You do not feel like a prize to your ex, because you do not act like a prize. We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. You're acting like a doormat, so he sees you as a doormat. Not exactly appealing, is it? His tears aren't because he is in love with you and is changing his mind. His tears are because you are acting so pathetic and making him feel guilty that he's turned you into such a doormat. Seriously. He wants out even more now. Not kidding.

 

Who wants some clinging, pathetic, desperate person? Not me. And obviously, not your ex either. So even if you don't feel like a prize, teach yourself some acting skills, and fake it. Because this nicey-nice little act is probably making him as turned off as we all are. Being nicey-nice to him is not being nicey-nice to you. And he sees this.

 

Why would a man want some insecure, needy woman pining at his feet, when he can chase some intelligent, hot woman with self-respect who makes him work for her? Be that woman, if not for him, then for yourself. Or at least for me. lol

 

Go pack a bag, muster up some self worth, and be a woman that a man would feel proud to be with. Stop being a pathetic, clinging doormat. PLEASE. I'm sure you weren't like this when he first met you? So stop being like it now.

 

I just heard about that book yesterday...wish I would have known about it a month ago.

You are right..I was NOT like that when I met him.. he chased after me...900 miles away.

*sigh*

[Hersheys]

I know..I should have stayed with someone..my friends did offer.

You still can stay with someone else. You still have 9 days left. Not only are you torturing yourself by staying, you are also giving off a "needy", desperate vibe. He knows he has you in the palm of his hand. And his ego is freaking huge right now. I still think, pack a bag and go stay with a friend. Why are you staying there desperately trying to get him to change his mind? If you want him to change his mind, you are goign about it the wrong way by staying there.

 

But the weird part is...

at night..he acts like things are normal...we eat dinner, we watch tv together..we watched the inauguration last night and talked and stuff.

He will kiss me good morning..etc.

He acts like this because he doesn't want any drama. He's trying to pretend everything is cool until you leave. He's trying to keep things as smooth and drama-free as possible until you leave.

 

It is sooo weird.

No, it's not weird. You just want to feel it is weird, so that you can convince yourself he will change his mind and still want you. I'm sorry, but staying there allowing this behaviour is the wrong thing to be doing.

 

What does bother me is though...I keep asking him to please always be friends with me and he has promised he would

Gack, his ego must be the size of Mt.Everest. Holy cow, girl, muster up some self-worth. You don't beg the person who dumped you, to be your friend. Argh. Stop this now. If anything, he should be begging you to still be his friend. And you should be saying no. Argh.

 

and last night after I asked AGAIN..he said..."I'll try..only if you dont call and nag me all the time or pull something...you gotta be careful about that".

This is killing me. This guy is beyond pompous at the moment. And you are feeding his ego. No person should be allowed that kind of arrogance. What an a**hole. Arghhhhhhhhhh.

 

Please, for me, stop acting so needy and desperate. I can't stand it when I see people selling themselves short like this. Stop, for the sake of all human beings, stop giving this guy such a big ego boost. How can you do this? Honestly? Is he really that great? Because I don't think there's anyone on the planet who is that great. Nobody deserves this kind of ego. It's painful to even listen to. Telling you, "you gotta be careful". It's laughable, it's so self-righteous and ridiculous.

 

 

Great post.

 

Sinkerswim - He's playing with your feelings. He knows your vulnerable and hurting. He knows you are longing for the affection he used to give you. He knows you're hanging onto every word he says that might have even the slightest hope of you two reconciling.

 

"you gotta be careful about that" - What a guy....he's all high and mighty isn't he? Please don't plead anymore for friendship on this guy. He doesn't deserve your friendship. I know it hurts because you love him and you want every possible way to at least keep him in your life but someday you will realize that it is best to walk away competely because doing so will save you from further pain and thinking.