purpleplanet Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 So I recently (in October) got out of a 3 year relationship that ended horribly. I'm not in a hurry to get back into one, but I've met someone I really like. We met in November. I told him I wanted to take things slow, and he's been very patient and respectful, but has mentioned several times that he would like to date exclusively. Each time I've said that I'm just not ready for that. But then to complicate things we ended up sleeping together a couple weeks ago and now he's pretty much insisting that we should be exclusive - that he's too old to be "playing games" (he's 28, I'm 26). I do want to be in another relationship, but it seems so soon. I think he's afraid that I'm wanting to sleep around, but that's not it. I'm just terrified of making another emotional commitment to someone who's not right for me. I don't know if he's right for me yet - maybe so, maybe not. I am dating other guys, but in a pretty casual sense, a few dates here and there, one I have kissed, the rest not even that. I know I shouldn't have had sex with him - but I have needs! And if I'm really being honest with myself, I would admit that having sex with someone new would really help me move past the ex. And it did. It was fun. But it definitely complicated things. I understand why he would want me to make a commitment at this point. I'm scared to make that commitment though. So what should I do? Take the plunge on the commitment, or explain to him that I'm afraid to and won't, or just end things entirely to save him the trouble? Is there a way to go back to the point before we had sex, when he was more ok with me dating other people?
sultry33 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 once you have had sex he probably thought you was meaning your exclusive. If its not what you want in the long term then just be honest.. its your life and seems to me that you are really not into him atm and he is too into you. I had the exclusive talk before the sex but thats because i like him.. if not id have not had the talk and maybe not the sex.. you are right we have needs;)
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Well, if you can't make a commitment to him, tell him. If he can't take you dating other people, let him move on. He wants to commit to moving things forward. I am sure marriage is on his mind. Guys can be that way. I was that way(now married 29 years). But remember no coulda/shoulda/wouldas if he drops you because it hurts him thinking of you with other guys. Sometime the timing isn't right.
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I know I shouldn't have had sex with him - but I have needs! And if I'm really being honest with myself, I would admit that having sex with someone new would really help me move past the ex. And it did. It was fun. But it definitely complicated things. THis is just plain selfish. You're a user, it seems.....Knowing how he felt, frankly, you were stupid to have sex with him. Sorry, but there you are. If you didn't want to get into dating right now, you should have removed yourself from this situation way back when he told you he was into exclusivity. You're yanking his chain and keeping him bouncing. Make your mind up. IN or OUT?
Author purpleplanet Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I am selfish, and I feel like I've been using everyone lately, from my coworkers to my hair stylist. They are all pawns in my little game where I pretend I feel like a Normal Human, doing Normal Human things like working and socializing and outdoor activities I used to enjoy. I've been reading too many self help books about recovering from a breakup, where you just get back out there. I've been going through the motions, because what is the alternative? Attempting to exist in a vacuum until I can present myself to the world as Healed and Whole again? And it seems like all I do is make one bad decision after another, and I'm living in constant fear of making more bad decisions. After all, I made the decision to be with my ex, and the resulting fiasco was a horrific disaster. The anxiety/guilt is overwhelming sometimes. And now, this guy I like - who for some reason seems to like me back.... I've been honest about how I feel (less than emotionally healthy may be an understatement), but I believe his personality type is the kind that just wants to help, to be the hero, the good guy. And I just want to be saved.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Well now....here's an idea - bit radical, I grant you, but - Why not TALK TO HIM? Why not 'fess up and explain exactly what you have just said here? Why not tell him you're a bit of damaged goods right now, and you need fixing? But get this: Don't ask, expect or desire that he will fix you. That is your job, buddy. All you need is a bit of moral support and understanding. The effort - and commitment - to get yourself back together again, is all on your plate. Whatever goes on inside your head is started by you, perpetuated by you and allowed by you. So change what's in your head. If you need something more concrete and tangible than self-help books, then find a good counsellor. Self-help books are brilliant - providing you follow through. It's no good sitting there and "I sooo get that! That is soooo me! Oh my God, how true! wow, that is so spot-on!" if you then put the book down and do nothing to improve matters. But if this guy looks like a good 'un, you owe it to him to be frank, honest and open with him. But don't be a leech. Don't be a sponge. Be a goddamn woman, fer chrissakes.
D-Lish Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Well now....here's an idea - bit radical, I grant you, but - Why not TALK TO HIM? Geisha, do you sleep? I don't think I see breaks in your posts that would indicate that you do! OP- I concur that you should probably have a frank discussion with this guy. As much as you are in a bad place right now, it doesn't seem like you are heartless. You care enough to post about it, so it's obviously eating at you. Why not talk to him? It's the right thing to do. If he is smitten with you and you are on the fence- just tell him so. Discuss how you are feeling with him. I am sure that is what you would want if the roles were reversed. It's just a stand up thing to do. I know you know that in your heart.
Author purpleplanet Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Yes, the talk is really the best idea. I've been avoiding it since it'll be really, really hard... but that's just a cop out. Thanks for the advice guys.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Geisha, do you sleep? I don't think I see breaks in your posts that would indicate that you do! Remember I'm in the UK... we have a time bridge of between 5 - 8 hours.... What you see as your morning is my afternoon..... OP- I concur that you should probably have a frank discussion with this guy. ......I am sure that is what you would want if the roles were reversed. It's just a stand up thing to do. I know you know that in your heart. Yup!!
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