I cheated on my bf of almost 6 yrs...here's my story...

[BlackLace]

Okay so here's my story.....my bf and i met in high school, i was about 16 . I was crazy about him, I was like one of those horses that wear the blinds next to their eyes, all i saw was him. I never once looked at a guy in a way that might make him even THINK i was attracted to him, never gave my number to anyone, not once did cheating even cross my mind. I looked down on cheaters with anger and never understood why they'd be in a relationship if they're cheating. My bf was my first and only......

 

Fastward a few years later, I enrolled in a chem class at the jr college and met another guy there. We were so attracted to each other but always kept things as friends. Towards the end of the class i gave him my email thinking there'd be no harm, I'm not a cheater, I'll give him my email, it's not as bad as a phone number. So we talked off and on, flirting, sending dirty messages, all that fun stuff until we somehow lost touch.

 

I'd see him again every once in a while but never stopped to talk or anything like that, it was always "hey" and we'd move along, but we both would always have that surprised happy smile on our faces.

 

---A little background about my bf --- he's unbelievable. He's responsible, loyal, funny, caring, all around wonderful good guy. Our sex life is great, we're like each other's best friends. A few years ago, about 3 years into our relationship i had caught him cheating on about 3 different occassions, never once did he admit to actually sleeping with anyone but just the fact that he went that far was a low blow at that time since i had held him up on a pedastal for so long. Once was with his ex, another with a co-worker, then i found him soliciting himself online. I stuck with him through those hard times because i truly love him. Our love is like no other.

 

Back to my story.....so about a year ago i ran into the other guy again (it had been 3 years since we first met) at school. Mind you i'm in my mid 20s now. We started talking again and it wasn't long before our attractions got the best of us. He is with his gf of 3 years now so i fool myself into thinking that makes it okay - cause "if i go down, you go down" - which sucks but i need to rationalize this somehow.

 

Anyways, so basically we started sending each other dirty texts, pictures, and when that wasn't enough we decided to meet a few times. We've had intercourse twice now. The first time was really hard for me because it meant that i now have had sex with 2 people. One my bf of almost 6 yrs and another who i've been soooo attracted to.

 

So i'm at a point where i honestly don't feel bad about cheating on him, I don't know why that is. There is just so much more to this than i can write but basically my bf wants to marry me, we plan on moving out this year, we save money together, our families know each other, he gave me a ring, i don't know, maybe it's the pressure but i don't know. I'm still talking to the other guy and he keeps that spark alive, the passion of a new love. I know i can't have my cake and eat it too but it just seems like it's working out so well, he's in a relationship and so am i, we both know what we're doing, we're very careful about each other, and i still am with my bf and never once show him any sign that i might be involved with someone else.

 

So i just want to know if theres anyone that can relate to me, or give me advice. I'm NOT going to tell my bf.

 

Also just wanted to say thanks for replying if you do!

[AAlike]

you're going to get ripped to shreds on here (and rightfully so, really) - so I'll try and be as objective as I can.

 

You don't love your boyfriend. plain and simple. I think that you might THINK that you love him, but it seems that you're only in love with the security. otherwise you'd never be able to do this.

 

you don't love the other guy either, obviously.

 

your best bet is to break it off with both of them - for the sake of your BF, who, even if you don't love, I hope that you respect, and for the other guy's GF who you are also hurting. Eventually you'll find a guy that provides the security and the lust all in one. but right now, you're just creating a big mess.

[Raegun]

i can understand where your coming from, its wrong that your BF cheated on you, especially when he knows that he was your one and only.

i have been in a relationship where i cheated on my partner, once i had cheated once, it didn't seem a big deal to cheat on him again with someone else, until i was just so bored with my bf i had to leave him(which was really sad because he was my first as well).

your best bet would be to leave him now, and its true that you will find lust and security combined in one.

good luck:)

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Congratulations. You have succeeded in lowering yourself to the level that you previously despised. The reason you don't feel guilty is that your conscience was seared. Don't be concerned about cheating in the future. You will now be able to screw anyone you want with impunity. You should absolutely marry your boyfriend. Remember this comment?

 

"I looked down on cheaters with anger and never understood why they'd be in a relationship if they're cheating."

 

But that was the old you. Let me tell you about your future marriage. You will both jump into bed with anyone you please thus eroding your vows. Or maybe even start swinging. Your marriage will lack any real commitment deeper then finding the next partner who can give you a better orgasm. If you have children they will model they're future relationships after yours. So that they can continue your legacy by learning how well their parents are able to deceive each other. Congratulations on your evolving morals.

[lkjh]

If you are ok with just being a piece of a** for the other guy then so be it. Congrats you made your bf a fool and you are trying to justify it with a bunch of BS. Leave him and let him marry someone worth it. Im sorry if that sounds mean but it is true. The other guy does not care about you, he is just using you for easy care free sex. If he needs to; he will cut you loose. Just leave your boyfriend and do not take him back. Im curiouse, how do you know he cheated? What evidense did you have?

[couchmonkey]

So, let me get this straight?

 

Your boyfriend is awesome.

 

Your boyfriend cheated.

 

You cheated.

 

You don't feel sorry.

 

You're not going to tell your boyfriend.

 

You're awesome.

 

Sounds like everything is good here so I'm not sure what kind of help you need. Carry on. I'm sure as your relationships evolve both of your families will think your awesome too.

[BlackLace]

Basically i caught him red handed......caught the ex thing cause she would call him when i was around!! Caught the co-worker thing cause i saw her text messages, and finally caught him online cause....well, lack of words, i snooped.

 

 

I'm not a bad person, it's just, he's my first ever REAL bf.....i've had guys before but i mean 16 and younger....never a bf, just boys that i would talk to and flirt, nothing physical besides kissing. So i guess i'm just a bit overwhelmed that my first love is my one and only love and it's hard to take that in.

 

I want him in my life sooo badly, he's amazing, (not to mention he's got a third leg...if ya catch my drift --- the other dude, not so much, i'd say an average 5 inches)....anyhow, i want him in my life, i know he's the one.....but i feel like i've never been independent, i've never dated guys, experienced different things, it's just been the same thing since i was 16. I don't want to lose him but i don't know if i can live like this forever....and ever.......till death do us apart...a tad overwhelming. =(

[lkjh]

why dont you just leave him?

[lkjh]

its not right to just use him!

[BlackLace]

I can't leave him....it's so hard cause i can't tell you guys every aspect but our friends are the same, our daily lives revolve around one another, i don't know what he would do without me, what i would do without him (i'm slowly trying to get more independent and hope that he will too) but we hand out with the same friends, it's just so difficult to say "i want out" ----- what's my reason? I can't tell him what i did/am doing ---- i just thinking about how it would make him feel makes me want to tear my heart out and yet again i don't regret it, does that make sense? I"m just a very confused girl.

 

 

If anything i just want that fire that i had for him before back.

 

---also, i don't see the other guy on a regular basis, we don't even talk on a regular basis, we've had sex TWICE in the past year so go figure. Also, i wouldn't just cheat on my bf with just anyone, i've known him for a long time and we trust each other with what we're doing.

 

I really don't want anyone thinking i'm this terrible gf/homewrecker. I just really want to be fully completely unconditionally in love with my bf again. ='(

[In Like Flynn]

i wouldn't just cheat on my bf with just anyone, i've known him for a long time and we trust each other with what we're doing.

 

WOW!!!!! I almost choked on my drink. In all the years I have been on these types of sites I don't think I have ever heard a cheater say that!! Makes you wonder sometimes!!! I think some people just need to get back to church or something. Let this be a lessen to all the fathers out there that don't spend quality time with their daughters and show them a loving relationship!!! Then end up making statements like the one above!!!

[BlackLace]

IN LIKE FLYNN ---- I appreciate your response but you do not know my upbringing so leave the low blows out of this. Also as a member since 2005, one would think that you would know their policies on character conduct..."We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant." - I didn't ask to be judged i asked for insight and i'm a very smart person and for you to respond like that was not only rude but very immature.

 

For anyone else that has degrading comments, please keep them to yourself, I understand that just the fact that i cheated on my bf opens pandora's box for people to lash out at me, but do not think that you can self impose anything about my family, childhood, or anything else that is irrelevant. If my childhood had anything to do with this i would have mentioned it because i want to get the most out of my post.

 

 

Thank you.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

 

 

I'm not a bad person=(

 

This is what all cheater say.

 

I want him in my life sooo badly, he's amazing, (not to mention he's got a third leg...if ya catch my drift --- =(

 

This is one of your reason why you will stay.

 

I don't want to lose him but i don't know if i can live like this forever....and ever.......till death do us apart...a tad overwhelming. =(

 

This is one of the reason you will cheat

 

---also, i don't see the other guy on a regular basis, we don't even talk on a regular basis, we've had sex TWICE in the past year so go figure. Also, i wouldn't just cheat on my bf with just anyone, i've known him for a long time and we trust each other with what we're doing.=(

 

Here we have a wonderful justification.

 

Let me say this. You are already having intercourse with somebody you have admitted, is inferior to your boyfriend both in bed and in your feelings for him. And yet you do him and don't feel guilty. This is exactly what I meant. Wait till after you're married and you find someone that you think is equal or better then your husband. The only way you will know this is to jump in bed with him too, and you will. Because remember,

 

Excuse 1: I am not a bad person.

 

Excuse 2: He is all I have ever known (not anymore).

 

So as I said in my first post. You will cheat, throughout your marriage.

And it is exactly because of what you have done that this prayer/request that you made will never happen.

 

"I just really want to be fully completely unconditionally in love with my bf again."

 

How very sad for you and any children you have together.

[lkjh]

You are a terrible girlfriend. You have cheated on him and you don't care. You don't even consider him in your discussions. It all about you. Also you will cheat again. Relationships are like life, you have good times and bad times. You can not just cheat during the bad times and then say you want the good times back. If you can not be honest with him then leave him and let him find someone who can. Life is not just about you, this is his life to

[lkjh]

Do not marry this guy. You have absolutely no respect for him and he deserves better.

[Geishawhelk]

......- I didn't ask to be judged i asked for insight and i'm a very smart person and for you to respond like that was not only rude but very immature.

 

Tough doodie.

Warped actions attract warped responses.

And immature?

Pot, kettle, black......

 

You might be a very smart person, but you are far from intelligent.

 

Do you not see all the contradictory crud you are posting here?

Honestly, I think you'd be better lining up a whole row of FWB relationships and just jump freely from one to the other.

No strings, no ties, no commitment.

For you, should be no problem.

[O'Malley]

You're in a comfort zone. You and your bf enjoy certain elements of each other but you both obviously feel the need to go outside of the relationship to get the excitement that you crave. It's a big indicator that your relationship has run its course, and now it's coasting on fumes. You're more concerned about looking like the 'bad guy' and the reactions of your friends and family than your boyfriend's. Not that I feel too sorry for him.

 

Once you find someone you consider 'better' -- more compatible mentally and physically than your bf of the third leg -- you will have no problem breaking up. You can be unrepentant about cheating (although what you're doing to this other guy's girlfriend makes you look like crap) but you're going to regret staying in this dead end relationship at some point. By cheating, you're just delaying the inevitable. Your boyfriend won't die of a broken heart when the breakup occurs and neither will you.

[Gzus]

Alright, Jesus Christ guys she asked for advice not for a character assasination.. I mean, let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that. G0d dammn yall must be some perfect mofos.

 

BlackLace - If I may:

 

You definitely crossed a major line. You can't unf*ck this guy. Your boyfriend will eventually find out - and you need to come to terms with that reality.

 

I get the impression you are rather naiive (2 guys in your whole life, 1 major relationship) when it comes to relationships/guys and are still learning about yourself and what you want/need. In this case, you are wanting a 'spark' back that you don't have after a period of time with your bf. That 'spark' has to be mutually kept alive and even then will never feel like 'new' love/attraction feels.. and that is because between two people who really love each other it develops into something far deeper- an emotional bond that is bigger than any attraction/sex/etc. You and your bf may not be right for each other... then again, maybe you have just drifted apart emotionally and gotten too comfortable.. it happens to the best of us.

 

Use this as a lesson - realize the 'newness' of your attraction/lust for someone will always fade over time.. you dont see the new guy's other side.. you only see the side he shows you. Not the ****ty side, not the dirty laundry and certainly not what his gf puts up with to be with him. But you see that with your bf, so this new guy looks shinier in some ways. But in reality, hes probably not. If he'd cheat on his gf with you, he'd cheat on you if you were his gf. Not the type to build long term relationship with.

 

In any event, I would tell your boyfriend and come clean. He cheated, you cheated.. can you both forgive and move on? IT could destroy you or it could be a defining moment for your future. You obviously need some kind of change in your relationship. Try to use this negative and turn it into a positive.

 

Cheers.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Your highschool sweetheart relationship was like any other adolescent, in my honest opinion. Not surprised that three years into it, it lost it’s first-love sparkle and you BOTH began to notice other people as you got older. You “both” began sending flirty/sexual emails to other crushes behind each other’s backs around the same time. Neither one of you are more to blame than the other. But you have both become so enmeshed that it’s almost natural to fall back on each other for comfort, security and familiarity.

 

If you want to continue as partners (or even as friends) you need to give your friend/boyfriend as much leniency for wavering in his loyalties as you have given yourself... and vice versa. Chalk it up to the folly and inexperience of youth. However, if you want this to evolve into a more grownup relationship, than both of you are going to have to introduce a little “honesty” into your relationship as well as forgiveness.

 

Sit down together and have an honest-to-goodness heart to heart to air out all your secrets and past resentments. Come clean with understanding rather than blame, accusations or anger so that you can decide together whether to move forward with a clean slate and fresh new start ... or to go your separate ways to explore what else life has to offer both of you.

 

Your twenties will challenge and test what little you have come to learn about life, relationships and yourself in ways you never imagined. It’s rare for any childhood relationship (or hopeful long-term one) to survive the changes you’ll both encounter during the next ten years while you try to figure out who you are, what you want and where your life is going. You won’t even be the same person by the time you reach thirty.

 

While it’s nice to have a lifelong friend to share all those new experiences with, it will be difficult (if not impossible) for either of you not to notice other attractive people and want to explore your romantic options at some point. Especially if you never had that opportunity to do that before. Perhaps it might be in both of your best interests to finally let go and give each other the freedom to do that...

[Rebellious]

It's not easy to confess such personal things and ask for advice. Why are some people so mean to her? They're not married, they're still growing up together, so maybe they both needed to sow their wild oats. I mean, even Hilary took back Bill.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

This is a board of opinions. Some of the comments are more supportive. Some of them are more convicting. She has done the very thing she hated in other people. She is going to continue to cheat based on what she said. She is going to marry this guy. She will probably have children at some point. She does not feel guilty about what she is doing and she does not love her boyfriend. She asked herself what is the point in getting married if you're going to cheat? I guess there a people on this board who are trying to make her look at herself before goes further down the road and causes more pain to parents, spouse, children, whoever she cheats withs parents spouse and children. The children of divorce have multiple psychological issue. More likely to quit school, more likely to do drugs, more likely to be sexually promiscuous, more likely to have a baby early and out of wedlock. Can you tell me where the upside of this is? If anything, the people who are hardest on her, probably care more for her and the pain and anguish she will cause herself and a host of others.

[BlackLace]

Ok so the last time i posted my message i just wanted to vent basically. Well last week the other guy and i planned on seeing each other this week, which it's been MONTHS since i last saw him. Anyhow...he tells me that we cannot talk to each other anymore because a friend of his found out that her husband was having an affair...and they have KIDS!!! I would NEVER do this if i had kids.....so anyways, he saw the impact cheating has on his family and found himself hating the very thing that he had become.

 

I'm glad we've ended things on such good terms and that most importantly i'm hoping that i can focus all of my energy towards my bf.

 

Please feel free to leave me comments, i really REALLY appreciate everyone who took their time out to write a reply because i took into consideration everything that you guys had to say and even though some things were worse than others, it's what i needed to hear.....i'll keep you guys posted if anything happens.

 

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Never say never black lace. Up until you messed around with this other guy you would have NEVER cheated. You lowered your bar there, you could do it again. To those who stand, take heed lest you fall. I hope you don't but you did it before.

[lkjh]

We are harsh because her actions are harsh. Cheating has come easy to her and she will continue to do it.

 

Blacklace, you are a serial cheater in the making. End this before you really mess up your life and the poor SOB you marry. Break up with your boyfriend and work on yourself. You need to grow up and realize life is not just about you. You cheated on your boyfriend and got dumped. You didn't do one good thing.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't think it's a functionally relationship, he cheats, you cheated back, it's back to distrust level, marriage without commitment, it will not work out.

 

I think the reason you don't really feel any guilt is because he cheated on you three times in the first place, your way of getting back at him. But if so then leaving him would have be more wise, why scoop down to his level.

 

I think you should leave him and go single for a while till you're ready for serious commitment or if not try open relationships (you know, the swingers style), just don't say the reason why you're breaking up though, he might not even care, why would he?? He cheated many times already, he won't give a flying crap about it, who knows, maybe he still doing it.