Awkward LDR

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

Hey everyone, i met this girl about 5 months ago, i live in canada, she lives in the usa, and we talk/text almost everyday, well we cant text anymore because it costs her to text to canada and her dad gets mad

we both love eachother alot, but its hard when i cant be with her, she has told me that she would wait forever for me and that she loves me more than words can say, and i love her more than anything, but... she has a boyfriend, she got her boyfriend in november and it broke my heart, i was depressed and stuff and i didnt bother trying out for basketball (i was on the team the two previous years), i started to think really suicidal and stuff and feeling worthless and such but since we're best friends, we continued to talk and most times she cheered me up.

 

then about 19 days ago, she told me that she is actually in love with me (she still has a boyfriend), and im still in love with her, she has told me if things don't work out with her boyfriend that she's all mine, she tells me that im perfect and she wouldnt know where'd she be without me (she's clinically depressed, goes to counciling and whatnot so she has been suicidal) and she doesnt know what she would do without me and that someday we can arrange to meet eachother and date eachother. Her boyfriend is a strange guy, he tells her things like "there are things that i would do for other people that i wouldnt do for you" and that "your too serious, i just want to play around"

 

sometimes i feel like im not good enough for her (i don't know why she loves me) or if we did ever meet, things would go wrong and i would screw things up, and im always scared that we're about the fall apart, and i dont know if i could take losing her because i love her more than life, i dont think im the best looking guy and she could probobly do better than me, so i dont know what to do and i was hoping if you guys can give me some help/ opinions

 

oh, she's 17 and im 16, Im not really the most popular guy in school, im kinda like a loser, i havent been in a relationship before, i havent danced or kissed or held hands with a girl before. i started working out so sooner or later i might have abs and i would feel better about my appearance if i had them.

 

if you guys have any more questions about me or her, dont be afraid to ask, like if you need more detail or a little more history or anything.

 

i have so much on my mind with worrying about us, exams, what am i going to do for a career, planing on meeting her, worrying if we'll grow apart, i dont want to lose her, shes not like any other girl, she makes me feel special like i have a reason to live but im scared if we drift apart and i'll lose her, i dont think i could ever establish this type of relationship with any one else and no offence but i dont want to be some 30-40 year old person living by himself just working to feed himself and get back to work the next day i don't see the point in life if thats whats going to happen to me.

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

dont get the wrong picture of her when i say she has a boyfriend, she really is a nice fun caring person, she's my dream girl, she said she doesn't love him as much as she loves me, she's always there for me and its like she always knows when something is wrong because she can always tell and always trys to make things better. lately i have been talking to her ex friend, who has been saying lies about her and i started to believe them, but then i told her about them and she says they werent true at all.

 

grrr, i hate overthinking things all the time

[motive2002]

she has told me that she would wait forever for me and that she loves me more than words can say, and i love her more than anything, but... she has a boyfriend

 

You know the sound effect for when a needle goes flying off a record? I think I just heard it.

Have you discussed this with anyone? Anyone but the Loveshack that is?

How can she confess her undying love to you and have a boyfriend at the same time? That makes no sense at all.

I think both of you are merely pining for the unattainable. This is the essence of long distance relationships. (trust me I know first hand)

I thought I could handle a long distance relationship myself and it was a disaster (not to mention really expensive).

Unless they were, without a shadow of a doubt "THE" one, and the feeling was reciprocated.. hell even then it's really tough.

 

I can tell you right now.. she ain't the one if she's got a boyfriend. Well you can at least be thankful she didn't lie to you about it.

It you want my advice... try try TRY to get over this one if you can. Find someone local. It will be worth the wait, trust me.

You've still got some developing to do. There's a lot of good times ahead of you, and as you get older, this gal from so far away will be a mere blip on your radar. I know it's hard to believe or understand now, but you will, in time.

What you call love now, may in fact be an obsession with a fantasy. I mean, you haven't even met her in person yet, how can you possibly know what she's really like?

I have fallen into this trap. Meet someone online.. they seem fantastic.. etc, etc. only to be blindsided with how the person really is.

 

Ok enough about the long distance lecture... how about your self esteem?

sometimes i feel like im not good enough for her

i dont think im the best looking guy and she could probobly do better than me

You better stop knocking yourself. I mean, you're all that you've got when it comes down to it. I mean, if you're weren't attractive, do you think you'd have some girl talking to you about being in love with you? There's more than just her yenno. Again, if you could get her to go for you, how about someone LOCAL WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND? hmm?

Be kind to yourself. Someone out there thought you were good looking.. put that to some good use my man!

 

Did I mention the whole "local chick without a boyfriend" thing? hehe.

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

thanks man, but i dont know if i got over this one, i'd be ready to go for somebody locally, i dont know if i could go through this and get disapointed again, i already have low self esteem, i dont even know if im ready for a relationship, i have no experience, no idea what to do at all, i dont live in a place where i could take a person to a movie, to the mall or out to eat, i dont have my license for another 7 months.

 

i have discussed this with many friends, they told me to get her out of my life before i get hurt again

[motive2002]

I know how you feel.. if that helps. Being lonely and then seeing a glimmer of hope on my computer screen from someone so far away. It's like a mirage in a desert.

Don't let it get ya down though.

[whichwayisup]

This 'friendship' is just going to mess you up. If she loves you more, why does she still have a boyfriend? Think about it. What you share with her is online - The distance between you two is safe for her to keep you hidden and away from her life..The boyfriend, does he know you exist? Does he know that she is inlove with someone else?

 

In all honesty, you'd be better off building your self confidence up, and finding a girl close to where you live to have as a girlfriend.

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

apparentlly she wants to work things out with her boyfriend but she says she doesnt want to lose me.

[Geishawhelk]

......she has told me if things don't work out with her boyfriend that she's all mine, .......

 

apparentlly she wants to work things out with her boyfriend but she says she doesnt want to lose me.

 

 

Can you honestly not see the huge flapping red flags here?

Her BF sucks, but she's still with him.

But she's talking to you a whole lot, because you give her what he won't.

This means she has it both ways.

She's needy, dependent and high-maintenance.

 

She is the "I want my cake and eat it too" merchant.

She is using you for the support you provide and as a handy back-up fall-guy if things crash with her BF.

 

You know all about him.

Do you actually suppose he knows all about you?

Of course not.

 

Just as you won't know all about the next guy she hangs on to, when she's with you......

 

You really need to ditch her.

she's clinically depressed, goes to counciling and whatnot so she has been suicidal

....And only 17.....?

 

This is seriously dangerous and risky. you do not want to be there when it all explodes.

No, really. Trust me.

You don't.

 

.....i have so much on my mind with worrying about us, exams, what am i going to do for a career,

 

THIS is what you actually need to focus on.

Sweetheart, you are barely out of puberty, and you're already thinking waaaaay too far ahead in the Love-stakes.

 

Concentrate on you, getting your life together, and getting ahead of the game.

Build up some self-esteem and confidence. You have everything at your disposal to be able to do this.

But stick with Little Miss Emotional Vampire here, and I see you needing your own therapist.

[Island Girl]

Geishawhelk has told it like it is (as usual).

 

I agree with EVERYTHING she said and would like to add a few things.

 

It sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues. Abs don't make a difference. In the end it is YOU that makes a difference. You are still young especially for a male. As you mature your looks will change. Right now you long for love but you have a long time to find that.

 

She has some major issues that thankfully she is getting help for. She has others, like her stringing you along for moral support and ego boosting, that she isn't addressing. You are entirely too sensitive and vulnerable not to get caught up in the drama and it will be very destructive in the end for both of you. Let the professionals handle her and her issues. Do not take that on in your life.

 

What IS important where you are in your life a few years from now. Right now the only responsibility you have is minimal care for yourself. Take FULL advantage of that because later you'll have responsibilities that restrict your options in life.

 

This girl is playing you. Please open your eyes. A friend of hers told you information about her that was unfavorable. And you confront her (over the phone) she says it isn't true and *boom* you believe her.

Haven't you thought that she very well could be lying?

I hasten to say her boyfriend does not know about you (as Geisha said) and if she says he does she is lying. So she is a cheater at the very least but you don't believe she could lie to you too?

 

Please listen to your friends (and everyone here) and break it off. It has to ring in your ears that everyone is saying the same thing!

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

apparently her boyfriend is ignoring her, he was gone for a month and came back 2 days ago, hasn't answered any of her texts, calls, or emails, and she even mentioned the subject of me going to college there

[Geishawhelk]

OK.

Listen very carefully, because I really don't want this thread to turn into one where we all en up calling you a dumb@$$ loser....

 

Don't first of all, even THINK about moving closer to her to go to College. Your place is where you are right now, concentrating on your studies.

 

The only reason the discussion of you moving closer has come up is because she wants you closer.

She has absolutely zero interest in your studies, your ambitions or your career.She absolutely gives a damn, and couldn't care less whether you pass or fail.

All she wants is a dumb-patsy fall-guy to keep propping her up and use as and when she feels she wants to. And having you closer will do nicely, thank you.

 

She will drink you emotionally dry then keep on eating.

 

This looks like the first sensible thing her BF has done.

 

I suggest you follow suit, because trust me -

This will all end in tragedy if you give her one more moment's thought.

 

Do exactly as he has done.

Cut off all contact - I'm absolutely serious here - ALL CONTACT.

Delete her 'phone number and block incoming calls.

Don't answer her messages or e-mails.

This girl has got to learn, from day one, that she has to start standing on her own two feet.

It would be far kinder of you to let her try doing that.

Because this situation is helping neither of you.

[KikiW]

COULD NOT AGREE WITH GEISHA MORE.

 

She is keeping you around as a backup, which she is now relying on because HER BOYFRIEND IS IGNORING HER. If she truly cared about you, he wouldn't be in the picture at all, because she would want to be WITH YOU. But she DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

 

Do NOT be a doormat. Do NOT allow women to treat you like this. You deserve someone who sheds other romantic interests completely in favor of you because you are the only one she wants to spend time with.

 

GAH. Next you'll be telling us how she wants you to send her money or how she wants you to come see her (and wine and dine her to the extent your funds will run). Don't fall for it.

 

TAKE OUR ADVICE. No one here believes she is a good match for you - it must mean something that we all think that.

[thegoodlife]

Take it from us...people who have been there before and have seen it happen to others time and time again. I'm sorry to say your situation is no different from any others so GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE NOW. Seriously. Really seriously.

 

I know you're young, and you're at that stage in your life where it's the first time you have these strong feelings toward someone so you're convinced it's true love and you can't fathom ever being without them. But trust me, you are so better off on your own. And if you continue this you will find yourself 5 years down the line kicking your own ass because you got strung along into never never land and messed up some real good opportunities (relationship, educationally, or otherwise) for yourself in life. You seem like a pretty sensible guy, I mean you are here posting for some advice so you obviously see that this isn't right. Listen to your gut, and listen to us.

 

I met someone online when I was 19 and I had just gotten over a really terrible break up so I was in a completely vulnerable state with really low self esteem (such as yourself), this person made me feel like GOLD and spoon fed me all the lines about being in love and never feeling this way before and we are perfect for each other we are meant to be, they made me feel like I had a place (such as this girl is doing with her with her depression - you make her feel better, so it makes you feel good about yourself and makes you feel like you're important to her). I too started planning on going to college over there (I also am in Canada and they were in the States, this is all too weirdly familiar), and was pretty much willing to give up my life to be there. I ended up neglecting friends and family, dropped out of my own college here because I let myself be convinced that we can't be apart for that long, missed sooo much time from work by just staying home to talk to them, and all around I just set myself way behind in life. At the time I couldn't see it, or I kind of could but I let myself be blinded by what I thought could happen. And what ended up happening is this person turned out to be one entire lie. Everything I thought was true turned out to be one big fabricated web of lies. That's the dangers of meeting people online, they can make themselves out to look any way they please.

 

So do yourself a huge favour and get out of this. Don't worry about feeling like you're abandoning her and she'll go into depression- she has professional people to help, remember it's their job, not yours. It's her problem, don't make it yours. I know you feel like there will never be another girl who can possibly compare to what you think you've found in this girl, but you are dead wrong. One day you are going to meet a girl that loves you and finds you attractive in every way, who won't play games with your head, that doesn't have a boyfriend, and a million great things wrapped up in one. She's the one worth waiting for. And until then you need to focus on you, and that's it. You're the most important person in your life.

 

If you need support in breaking out of this, I can be your friend and help you find your way out. We have a lot of similarities in my past and your present situations and I just want to see you come through on the positive end. PM me if you need a support buddy.

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

Heres an update, i know you guys are going to be dissapointed with me. she broke up with her boyfriend, he wouldnt talk to her at all, she had to talk to his mother, fast forward, things are going pretty good with us, we even had our relationship status changed on facebook for everyone to know we were in a relationship, we are even both wearing promise rings for eachother, but yesterday she told me that people have been talking about her and saying bad things about her and its bothering her so we should take down the relationship thing on facebook,

 

she also hung out with a guy last night and she said it was kinda like a date but she didnt know that it was going to be one, she says she can wait for me but she cant stay single for about a year and a half

 

because she says she needs to have that physical contact, hugs etc., she told me that shes interested in this guy over there and that theres another guy who told her he pretty much loved her, she says shes confused and doesnt know what to do. she told me that if she gets a boyfriend she wont be sending me kissing emotions while on msn anymore,

 

but shes scared of losing me and she says she'll always love me and doesnt want anything to happen between us, she asked me if i was going to be ok, i said i wasnt sure and she said that if anything ever happened to me she wouldnt be able to live with herself and said "whatever you do, i do"., she made me promise that i would never leave her even if she got a boyfriend.

 

 

and also today, my parents found out that my plans were to go to college with her and my parents are completely against it and they said they wont let me do it, even though all i want to do is be with her and maybe if i was there, everything would work out between us.

 

I can't help but think about what the point in life is, i dont feel like anything is worth it anymore, i dont have to motivation to work out or enjoy life because she was my motivation, she was everything to me and without her, i feel like i've lost everything, she has me so confused, i dont know what to do anymore , she says that she'll continue to wear the ring, but it'll be our secret

[Els]

she made me promise that i would never leave her even if she got a boyfriend.

 

LOL!?!?!?

 

even though all i want to do is be with her

 

You'd choose your college based on a girl at 17!??! Think, man, think... You'll be over this crush someday. You don't get to go to college twice in your life. Well, not usually... and even then you wouldn't really have THE college life anymore.

 

 

Seriously, dude. Just pause here, and read back everything you've written, try and make some sense out of how absolutely ridiculous it all sounds like. We can tell you and tell you but you'll never get anything until YOU SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

Seriously, dude. Just pause here, and read back everything you've written, try and make some sense out of how absolutely ridiculous it all sounds like. We can tell you and tell you but you'll never get anything until YOU SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.

 

apparently she still wants to be close friends, well thats the way it seems i guess

 

i'll never love again

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

man, even yesterday, i was talking to her friend and she said that the girl im in love with doesnt even care about me at all and could care less if i left

 

i confronted her about it and she got upset and said

"do you love me?, because you seem ok with hurting me"

 

i told her that wasnt the case, and i apologised and everything was back to normal again. i thought we both had a deep love for eachother, and then she pulls this , i've never felt this bad in my life

 

these are the times i wish i had someone to talk to, but nobodys around

[Island Girl]

man, even yesterday, i was talking to her friend and she said that the girl im in love with doesnt even care about me at all and could care less if i left

 

i confronted her about it and she got upset and said

"do you love me?, because you seem ok with hurting me"

 

i told her that wasnt the case, and i apologised and everything was back to normal again. i thought we both had a deep love for eachother, and then she pulls this , i've never felt this bad in my life

 

You confronted her about not caring about you

 

She turned it around to be about HER and don't you love HER because you telling her what you feel is hurting HER

 

Then you APOLOGIZE TO HER and everything goes "back to normal"

 

In your case back to normal is you putting what you feel aside and allowing yourself to be MANIPULATED by her.

 

She doesn't care about you.

 

I AM SO SORRY.

 

But she does not care about you -- she only cxares about herself. THAT is why she doesn't try to make YOU feel better -- she turns it around so that YOU have to apologize and make HER feel better.

 

It is amazing that you write these things - like you having to promise that you wouldn't leave her even if she got a boyfriend -- WTF?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So she gets to be with someone who holds her, kisses her, etc. -- and you are supposed to wait around and still devote yourself to her.

Right.

 

And you don't see what is WRONG with that?!!

 

You need to tell your parents that you need to see a counselor about this and talk this out with someone who can help you see this picture clearly.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

You confronted her about not caring about you

 

She turned it around to be about HER and don't you love HER because you telling her what you feel is hurting HER

 

Then you APOLOGIZE TO HER and everything goes "back to normal"

 

In your case back to normal is you putting what you feel aside and allowing yourself to be MANIPULATED by her.

 

She doesn't care about you.

 

I AM SO SORRY.

 

But she does not care about you -- she only cxares about herself. THAT is why she doesn't try to make YOU feel better -- she turns it around so that YOU have to apologize and make HER feel better.

 

It is amazing that you write these things - like you having to promise that you wouldn't leave her even if she got a boyfriend -- WTF?????????!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So she gets to be with someone who holds her, kisses her, etc. -- and you are supposed to wait around and still devote yourself to her.

Right.

 

And you don't see what is WRONG with that?!!

 

You need to tell your parents that you need to see a counselor about this and talk this out with someone who can help you see this picture clearly.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

 

sometimes she'll turn things around on me and make me apologise like that, sometimes saying that "i guess you dont care if i go back into the hospital again", i think she does care about me to some extent, why else would she always try to cheer me up whenever im blue, she always knows when somethings wrong and she worries about me when im feeling down and always telling me that she loves me and putting it on facebook for the world to see and she gets upset if i leave when somethings bothering me.

 

maybe she wants us to remain good friends even if she gets a boyfriend, i dont know if i can do this:(

 

yeah i agree with you,i need something

[Lucky_One]

"always telling me that she loves me and putting it on facebook for the world to see"

 

Until people on facebook (of all freaking places) see it, and so she wants to change it.

 

You need to find some friends locally, and get off the damn computer.

[KikiW]

This chick has you spinning. You need to get off this ride. It's unfair, and you shouldn't mess with it any longer.

 

I can't imagine it feels good being a doormat, so don't let her treat you like one.

 

Erase her from your phone, your facebook, your email, your life before it gets worse.

[Els]

Sigh, LonelyConfusedSoul...

 

I've been your age before... not too long ago either. Had the stupidest of crushes... and yes, some were on people who used me, misled me, and abandoned me when they found the person they actually WANTED to be with.

 

So.. I know how you feel. And I also know you'll get over her. You don't think you will, but you will. That's fact. And the sooner you try, the sooner it'll happen.

 

She MAY be attracted to you, but that doesn't change the fact that she's selfish, manipulative, and extremely immature. Even for her age. There's no good future in this. No future in even being friends with her, she'll just continue to mislead and use you.

 

Go expand your circle of friends, find some new hobbies, meet new people, and forget about her. If you have the balls to. I challenge you.

[thegoodlife]

Please stop talking to this girl. She's no good for you and you will end up terribly heartbroken and feeling even worse than you do right now if you continue to try and pursue something with her.

 

If she really wanted to be with you and was committed to a relationship with you - you would know it. But she's clearly not. And she is just stringing you along basically using you as an ego boost to make herself know that she always has you to fall back on, while going out with other guys over there. Come on man you deserve so much better.

 

She will keep using you and making you feel like crap as long as you let her. Stop it now!

 

Take care and update soon.

 

I know we all might sound kind of harsh but we all just want the best for everyone on this forum.

[LonelyConfusedSoul]

Update: I had this page open one day before i went to school, mom saw it, got super freaked out when she read everything but things are all fine now, I don't talk to her anymore, I feel like im 100x the man I was back then and looking back, it was probobly the stupidest thing of my life, but im smart enough not to go through it again.

 

Now, theres this new girl

 

a lot closer to home:cool:

 

but.... more problems >.<, i'll just start a new thread:p

[carvidep]

Update: I had this page open one day before i went to school, mom saw it, got super freaked out when she read everything but things are all fine now, I don't talk to her anymore, I feel like im 100x the man I was back then and looking back, it was probobly the stupidest thing of my life, but im smart enough not to go through it again.

 

Now, theres this new girl

 

a lot closer to home:cool:

 

but.... more problems >.<, i'll just start a new thread:p

 

I just read this thread from the beginning... as I read along, I was sure that your latest update would say something about you still wanting to be with her and I was ready to reply with "STOP IT!!!!!!"

 

But it looks like you already did!!!

 

Moms are pretty cool, aren't they? I'm happy for you that you found a new girl who's closer to home. I hope she's good to you! If she's anything at all like the last one, put on your running shoes.