funkify Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 About 2 years ago, my first long-term (5yrs) relationship ended. It was initially the most amazing relationship, yet as we matured and experienced life I thought I wanted something more, I think he did too. We tried to hang onto the good times even though things were fizzling. Suffice to say, in the final years there was a lot of hurt and betrayal turning the once magical rship into the most awful experience. I have never gotten over it and blame myself mostly for its demise, even though it was both our fault. To this day everything reminds me of him and I cry a lot wishing we were together. I've had 3 relationships since. One immediately after, where I fell hard yet was screwed over majorly. The second one, unfortunately had mental illness issues. When things were getting bad in the second one, I'd often miss my old rship. I'd think of him particularly when getting intimate with my boyf and start crying right in the middle. Now in the third rship, by sheer coincidence the man is an employee of my ex, but that's where the similarities end. He is 3.5yrs younger than me (I've never dated a younger man), yet the sweetest most gentle and loving person. He treats me exactly the way I'd want to be treated. I've only been seeing him for 1 mth, yet tonight as we were getting intimate, the tears started flowing again, bc I missed my ex & wish I were with him instead. I don't want this to ruin my otherwise perfect new rship. I fear that these feelings will plauge me forever and I won't be able to have another happy rship. It's like he's put a curse on me or something. I thought perhaps some of your could share some insight into this and how I may help the situation. Thanks in advance
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 No. You don't miss your ex-. You miss the idea of being with your ex, and I think you've conditioned yourself to view being with others as a trigger for this behaviour. You're obviously self-sabotaging, because you have actually moved on far ahead enough to consider dating. But now you've taught yourself to fear getting attached to anyone else, so you've programmed yourself to scupper any happiness you might have. You actually do this to yourself "Accidentally on Purpose". Stop it.
alwayssme Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 if i may ask.. how did u deal with the ending of your first relationship? Did you deal with your feelings? Did you ever get closure? Did you go NC? What happened after the break-up?
Author funkify Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 if i may ask.. how did u deal with the ending of your first relationship? Did you deal with your feelings? Did you ever get closure? Did you go NC? What happened after the break-up? It was a painful, on-off relationship for the last couple of years. I jumped head-first into another rship which ended painfully. The same year I had the second rship which lasted 6mths and was v difficult having to deal with someone else's mental illness as well as a rship. The next year (last yr) I remained single and that's when it all hit me. So I sought counselling (psychotherapy) which allowed me to talk about it, however didn't give me any strategies to deal with the issues. Logically, I understand the first rship was damaging and would not have lasted even if we ended up getting married. However, I can't shake the grief or stop wanting to be with him. As for closure, a couple of times I contacted him in a friendly way, asking how he was and offering to catch up for coffee. He was very nice but never took up the offer...so I know that he has no longing for me anymore. In hindsight, I believe that these 2 yrs apart would've allowed us to mature enough to fix the probs we had easily, however he has not feelings for me anymore so this is not an option.
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 It was a painful, on-off relationship for the last couple of years. I jumped head-first into another rship which ended painfully. The same year I had the second rship which lasted 6mths and was v difficult having to deal with someone else's mental illness as well as a rship. The next year (last yr) I remained single and that's when it all hit me. So I sought counselling (psychotherapy) which allowed me to talk about it, however didn't give me any strategies to deal with the issues. Logically, I understand the first rship was damaging and would not have lasted even if we ended up getting married. However, I can't shake the grief or stop wanting to be with him. Then I think you never had counselling. Not in a productive, constructive and progressive way. You need to find someone professionally equipped to help you do this..... As for closure, a couple of times I contacted him in a friendly way, asking how he was and offering to catch up for coffee. He was very nice but never took up the offer...so I know that he has no longing for me anymore. In hindsight, I believe that these 2 yrs apart would've allowed us to mature enough to fix the probs we had easily, however he has not feelings for me anymore so this is not an option. Nope. This is about you, not him. He's over it. he doesn't need closure. He's quite happy to keep walking on and he's living his life. It's YOU. You haven't had the closure. because you are auto-sabotaging.
alwayssme Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 i really feel for you...i think your biggest mistake was jumpin into a relationship right away and not allowing yourself to get over this on your own..you seem to have a problem with being single, its understandable but if u dont learn to be comfortable with it, you'll always feel like this... However dont feel like you are the only one who is still grieving after so long..it sucks because it is hurting you but u shouldnt feel like there is something wrong with you...i have a friend who still has not gotten over his ex of three years ago and still hopes they can get back someday in the future...with that said there are alot of people in this world who take a very long time to get over lost love... I suggest you find a good counselor and learn to deal with pain and overcome it..rather than trying to numb it or push it away so u dont feel it...i went through way too much when my ex left me 5 months ago...it was hands down the worst time of my life...i cried all day everyday, seriously i was ina lot of pain and i dont wish that on nobody...but in a weird way it helped me get better....did i ever get closure?? umm no not really...because since he was over it, he didnt really feel like "talking about it"...i had chances to be with someone else but i didnt want to...im not a big fan of being alone but i knew i had to do this for myself, in order to never go through this again. I'm still going through it & am not completely healed but it has gotten better. I hope it all works out for you and keep us posted!
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