Goatsbreath Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 she called. I sort of knew it might be coming as after my last mess up where I went to her apartment 2 days ago on her birthday. We talked for like 20 minutes and then she had to go......she told me, "I'll call you this weekend ok." I just said "ok, sorry for just stopping bye" and left feeling defeated and stupid for going in the first place. So she calls last night and even though my roomate tells me not to bring up any thing about the relationship I fail at the rules she sets down for me if she calls and I bring stuff up. It sort of goes like this.... me: "I just want to know how you moving out went from you needing some space but still wanting to be with me to you now being in a new relationship. I thought you said you wanted to be free of labels for a while? Is he your boyfriend now?" her: "It dont matter, things are what they are because things and circumstances changed. Things were said and just the whole way things unfolded changed stuff. I told you what I wanted and you did not want to listen or believe me or accept it or whatever and so things are the way they are. It dont matter if Im seeing him or not. me: "you know I dont think we ever got a fair shot, to many things happened, circumstances were bad. You lost your job, had to go to counseling, we had to live in a small 1 bedroom apartment. We were both under a ton of stress" her: "it dont matter what led to what it is. we tried living together and it didn't work." me: "still, I wish you would at least take some time before jumping into something else to evaluate us, our life together, even just out of respect for our 13 year friendship." (3 year relationship) her: "not that it matters or I have to even tell you but I am taking time. Still what I do or what I want shouldn't matter anymore. Its my choice." me: "oh, well I still have some stuff of yours, cloths, printer etc that I came across at the apartment while moving out of the apartment. You want me to leave them somewhere." her: "its not like I dont ever want to see you again, I can come to where your staying now or whatever. You just stopping bye at my new apartment on my birthday was just fu&(ked up and I had lots going on that day. ok, so this is how it went followed with intermittent attempts at movie discussion to lighten the mood. Then she said we should probably not talk or hang out for now, let things be for a while and have some time pass. I agree but I leave the conversation feeling like I lost all control and then it hit me hard as I was sitting there. Shes blaming me for the way things are now. When she first started talking about moving out and needing time and then I found out there might be another interest I was angry. I did react. I did say things. I did tell her what I really thought she was doing, that she was leaving me for someone else. Nope she said, its not even like that. But now that it is like that its my fault as well? So i text her this right after: I realize now the way things are between us are exactly what I feared most. You said it wasn't like that but not that it is its my fault for doubting you? sad anyway thats it, no more contact, I just feel like I lost so much ground ever sense I went to her place on her birthday. I think Im desperately trying to steal some back from her. gRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Look up B.F.Skinner. That might help you understand why you keep whumping yourself over the head with the cast-iron skillet. Again, and again, and again. Like Moths to a flame, we just keep going back.
Author Goatsbreath Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 thanks geishaw but I have a question he idea that behavior is determined by its consequences, be they reinforcements or punishments, which make it more or less likely that the behavior will occur again. why then do I keep repeating the behaviors that cause punishment.....
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Because it feels good. Awful contact is better than no contact at all. The pain and mysery is a masochistic bonus if it means you can still interact with her, see her, get a response from her..... But you keep banging your head against the rockface, hoping that the more you go on, the more it will come crumbling down. Not a chance, sweetie.
Author Goatsbreath Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 hmm...ok, I need to stop some of these behaviors. I admit that I have sense drove a little out of my way to go down her road and see if her car is at her place. This behavior will get me no where as it don't matter, if it is.....ok, now what. If its not......ok, now what. Now nothing is the answer to both so whats the point if not just to torture myself more. Sometimes I think I like pain or something. I need to refocus, before any of this happened I was starting a website called gear up and play that focused on outdoor activities, gear, clothes, etc. I mean sometimes I would get up real early in the morning to work on it and learn more about how to create and get indexed in google and such. I was doing it for some extra money but I also had a real passion/hunger for the work. Now that hunger has simply vanished. I can't even think about it. I wish I had that drive back......it was consuming
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 hmm...ok, I need to stop some of these behaviors. I admit that I have sense drove a little out of my way to go down her road and see if her car is at her place. This behavior will get me no where as it don't matter, if it is.....ok, now what. If its not......ok, now what. Now nothing is the answer to both so whats the point if not just to torture myself more. Sometimes I think I like pain or something. My point exactly! I need to refocus, before any of this happened I was starting a website called gear up and play that focused on outdoor activities, gear, clothes, etc. I mean sometimes I would get up real early in the morning to work on it and learn more about how to create and get indexed in google and such. I was doing it for some extra money but I also had a real passion/hunger for the work. Now that hunger has simply vanished. I can't even think about it. I wish I had that drive back......it was consuming You can get that drive back. Complete the website. Go out, buy yourself an ink cartridge as back up, design a leaflet, print them off and go get some business. Just what the heck would it take you to get it through your head that you're acting like a drooling love-puppy that keeps getting kicked downstairs?
Zammo25 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 hmm...ok, I need to stop some of these behaviors. I admit that I have sense drove a little out of my way to go down her road and see if her car is at her place. This behavior will get me no where as it don't matter, if it is.....ok, now what. If its not......ok, now what. Now nothing is the answer to both so whats the point if not just to torture myself more. Sometimes I think I like pain or something. I need to refocus, before any of this happened I was starting a website called gear up and play that focused on outdoor activities, gear, clothes, etc. I mean sometimes I would get up real early in the morning to work on it and learn more about how to create and get indexed in google and such. I was doing it for some extra money but I also had a real passion/hunger for the work. Now that hunger has simply vanished. I can't even think about it. I wish I had that drive back......it was consuming I think we are in similar places with our relationship splits from the other thread. To repeat SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU IN HER LIFE ANYMORE. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Repeat this Mantra over and over. That is what I am trying to do. Its been 14 days NC. If she gave a damn about me she would have made contact with me. I am NOT going to keep trying even though it is killing me. If someone truely loved you they would work through the problems and never give up apart from infidelity but I did nothing much wrong at all and she still stops loving me , if she ever did in the first place. As far as you are concerned she DOES NOT EXIST.
neverlost Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Wow yeah, I've been there before. I'm in a bad position right now though but I'm trying to be stronger this time. Once she starts being all cold and saying "I can do what I want, it doesn't matter etc." She really doesn't care. And when you start saying "ohh but... if only? and if we had that chance?" Non of them reasons matter to her, because she isn't intrested. And by being a love sick puppy, she knows you are there if she decided she wanted you, and you are starting to blame yourself for things. I'm sure she played a part. And by saying the things you have of hers, are again usually excuses for more contact. When someone is in love with you and wants to be with you I don't believe it would get to the point of what if's. Seems to me, people have this cut off switch and when it is flicked they become that way. Totally cold. And no doubt when you try and talk to her and she says something like "that's just the way it is" those words hit you hard and bring you down just a little more. You deserve someone who doesn't make you feel that way. Texting after talking aswell, probably will just make her annoyed and will strengthen her view she did the right thing. You want your ground back? You do keep with no contact. Because to you at the moment "she" doesn't exist. There is no she. Just you to be with someone who's every word will make you feel good and not worse about yourself. Take care -neverlost
Author Goatsbreath Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 right, im going to stop drooling for sure and I know you are right zammo.... here it is, it is what it is DAY 1 NC
Zammo25 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 right, im going to stop drooling for sure and I know you are right zammo.... here it is, it is what it is DAY 1 NC I know how hard it is believe me. Its been 2 weeks since I last saw her beautiful face. I laid my cards on the line one final time and make it clear I did not want us to split up. I also sent a final message over a week ago stating the same. She told me face to face and replied that it was OVER. I am realising I loved her far more than she loved me. The foundations of the relationship were not strong enough. I always felt that my feeling for her were stronger for the 3 and a half years we were together. Little things dawn on me now like it was nearly always me that told her I love you first to which she would reply I love you too. She hardly ever said first I love you . Also even if I had done all the things I said I would and we got a place and lived together everything was on her terms. I would have to have changed the person I was to be with her and I am sure if we hot married she would have dumped me again as soon as I did something trivial to irate her. No basis for a loving, respectful relationship. I have been a wreck for 2 weeks but proud I have made NC for 14 days. You can do it , you seem like a decent bloke. She is the wrong one.
Author Goatsbreath Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 your so right neverlost......she flicked the switch for sure. Well Im hanging in there, for the most part I'm doing ok. I hate the sudden waves of pain and disbelief most. Sometimes there is a disbelief that floods through me out of no where and I think, can this really be happening. She really don't want me anymore? That's the worst part because it gives my stomach a light empty feeling and this time becomes critical. Its during this time that I loose site of rational thinking and make bad choices. I shrugged it off this morning after waking up but hopefully I can keep being successful.
justletgo07 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Definitely hang in there, and stay NC. If I were you, I would also prepare yourself for her contacting you again. Probably not because she wants to get back together, but because she is going to want to have her ego stroked. Just be ready. Relationships are all about power, unfortunately. Her reactions to you, in part, are to keep her in power in the relationship. She wants to stay in control. Once she hasn't heard from you in a while, and doesn't know what you're up to or how your life is going, that feeling of power will fade, and yours will grow.
Author Goatsbreath Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 ok, day 3 and I made it so far. I had a minor setback yesterday where I uncovered some unnecessary pain. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177074/ The reason I go look for it is a problem of mine and I am working on it. Still, nothing came of it, No direct contact atleast. I did drop some stuff off at her apartment yesterday but she was not there thank god or I would of messed up cuz I was really upset and mad. Sense I have regained my head and realize this is the best. NC and ignoring this girl if she even calls is my best bet.
BigRedBoss657 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Keep going man. I try to find benchmarks and reward myself. I myself am on 1.5 months of absolute no contact. Could have been 2.5 months, but foolishly broke it because I was going through some other stress and needed someone to talk to. Think of it like 1 day>1 week>2 weeks>1month>2months>6months>1year. I'm trying to go by that.
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