Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Hi. I'm in the SAME EXACT boat. I'm you, my GF is your BF. I was too available for her and she lost respect for me thinking she could have me whenever she wanted. Leave some mystery and be unavailable. Do the relationship ON YOUR terms. Be a little selfish. He'll come running to you. I think it might be too late for me. (Read my post FEMALE ADVICE NEEDED and give feedback if u can). I too wanted to know where things were going. Not that I needed a wedding date, just to know she wasn't wasting my time. She said the same things your BF said. She was comfortable keeping things "simple" and in my opinion, didn't want to lose her friends by telling them she couldn't go out w\them cause she was going to be w\me. She's had lousy friends in the past that busted her chops about being whipped, so she's scared of that happening again. A wall is up and she's afraid of losing her freedom. Eventually, she pulled away from the relationship as things got closer. She'd come back hot n heavy again, only to pull away when marriage or moving in together came up. Be careful with this one, but u have every right to know where this is going. Good Luck Thanks for sharing with me Fireman.....and I'm sorry you find yourself in this position....it sure does suck! I will pop over to your thread....first though I got some hungry troops baying for food!!! Be back laters.
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Thank you for the in-depth reply. My first instinct here is to stick with your timeline. 3 years is a long time for a guy his age to be living with mom and dad, no matter the circumstances, especially with kids. He likely is itching to get out of there, not because of his folks, but because of his own perception of self-respect. My bet is encouragement and support along those lines will go a long way. See yourself as his inspiration Regarding the sexual component, IMO, if you can discover his boinker button, you'll get all the sex you want. Every man has one, no matter how crazy his brain is working. The key is listening to him. We're all different so I can't give you any real guidelines. It's kinda like the money position, the one that is a guaranteed one minute orgasm. Once you know it, you can always go there with confidence, and so can he. It's one of those special intimacies. IMO, you both have a lot of responsibility and complexity on your plates, so I would err on the side of understanding and patience. Watch for his actions to match his positive words based on the timeline you have set for yourself. Enjoy today. Each one is a blessing
Garbo Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Thanks, Amy. I have actually done your #1 suggestion, but I am having a hard time accepting his reason for waiting to move forward. I guess I don't know how long I should wait for him to decide if he can accept my religion even though he attends my church with me. I'm getting close, I think, to revisiting the subject if that's the only thing holding him back. BH, Yes, I know I sound bitter, and I think it is affecting my attitude towards him. That's why I think I have to make a solid decision now. Is it too late to re-claim some power by not being as giving?
Enema Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Does he pay child support to the mother of his kids? Did he lose out in the breakup? Is he bitter about getting a bad deal?
Author Amy35 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Does he pay child support to the mother of his kids? Yes. Did he lose out in the breakup? Is he bitter about getting a bad deal? They had to sell the home they shared....and he was bitter....about losing what he said was something he worked for years building up to. He said he wasn't the one who called time on the relationship...she did that by cheating and yet he lost his home. Is he still bitter?....I'd have to say yes...I asked him once whether he still was affected by this....he said there are more important things in his life to think about now than wasting time thinking about what he lost. I can understand if he is feeling guarded about being shafted again though. I got proper shafted in my divorce and had to go bankrupt as a result....if I had my time again there would be many things financially I would consider now that I never did before.
Author Amy35 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thank you for the in-depth reply. My first instinct here is to stick with your timeline. 3 years is a long time for a guy his age to be living with mom and dad, no matter the circumstances, especially with kids. He likely is itching to get out of there, not because of his folks, but because of his own perception of self-respect. I understand this...and thank you for explaining it. He has said things along these lines before regarding self respect. My bet is encouragement and support along those lines will go a long way. See yourself as his inspiration I hope he does. And I do support and encourage....and again I hope that won't change. Regarding the sexual component, IMO, if you can discover his boinker button, you'll get all the sex you want. Every man has one, no matter how crazy his brain is working. The key is listening to him. We're all different so I can't give you any real guidelines. It's kinda like the money position, the one that is a guaranteed one minute orgasm. Once you know it, you can always go there with confidence, and so can he. It's one of those special intimacies. He seems to like it....his comment was he was tired and feels he would rather not do it as he "Can't do me justice" whatever that means. If he does it....he likes ot do it right...not some half hearted tired attempt I would assume. As for the money position....let's just say I am still learning. (I can't believe I just said that!) I do listen, I do ask. I do tell him what I like...give feedback etc... IMO, you both have a lot of responsibility and complexity on your plates, so I would err on the side of understanding and patience. Watch for his actions to match his positive words based on the timeline you have set for yourself. Enjoy today. Each one is a blessing My own life is crazy enough for the two of us....but I will go with what you say and just enjoy eveyr day for what it is....a blessing. Thanks Carhill....for your support here.
Author Amy35 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Thanks, Amy. I have actually done your #1 suggestion, but I am having a hard time accepting his reason for waiting to move forward. I guess I don't know how long I should wait for him to decide if he can accept my religion even though he attends my church with me. I'm getting close, I think, to revisiting the subject if that's the only thing holding him back. BH, Yes, I know I sound bitter, and I think it is affecting my attitude towards him. That's why I think I have to make a solid decision now. Is it too late to re-claim some power by not being as giving? With the acceptance...it took me a long time to learn that everyone behaves according to their own set of rules. I still struggle sometimes with acceptance...but it gets better. Being bitter isn't healthy. But I know how hard it is to let go and leave that bitterness behind. Are you giving by way of hoping for something back in return? Because true giving is giving with no expectations...or at least that would be my interpretation of it. You do what you feel is right....and that is all you can do. But remember also....you come first. Give to you first....then to others. If you find yourself disappointed....ask yourself why...what were you hoping to get back in return? I hope that made some semenance of sense!
Enema Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 They had to sell the home they shared....and he was bitter....about losing what he said was something he worked for years building up to. He said he wasn't the one who called time on the relationship...she did that by cheating and yet he lost his home. Sometimes I'm so smart I make myself sick He loves you and wants to be with you, but... that's how he felt about the last woman too and look what happened: She cheated and he lost everything.
carhill Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 OP, think about the psychology of him living with his parents and you living in your own home, knowing what you know about his history and circumstances of divorce and property settlement. I know what I'd be feeling every time I walked in your house, even though I'd try to intellectualize it away. Encourage him to consistently communicate how "he's doing" and be supportive. Watch for reciprocation. Sounds like you have a good thing going on so far. Best wishes
Author Amy35 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 Sometimes I'm so smart I make myself sick He loves you and wants to be with you, but... that's how he felt about the last woman too and look what happened: She cheated and he lost everything. Oh Enema you reminded me of a conversation we had once..... We were talking and he said something about being worried about being hurt again....I said I would never intentionally hurt you....and I would never cheat because cheating is bad (because that was what I thought he meant)...he replied....that is not what I am trying to say....and then changed the subject. I did feel afterwards I missed his point and wished he would have explained better about what he defined as "hurt"....but I didn't push for it. I wonder if he meant this.....you given me food for thought....and thank you
Author Amy35 Posted January 20, 2009 Author Posted January 20, 2009 OP, think about the psychology of him living with his parents and you living in your own home, knowing what you know about his history and circumstances of divorce and property settlement. I know what I'd be feeling every time I walked in your house, even though I'd try to intellectualize it away. I would assume he feels less than...and that I was very lucky indeed to have a home and my children with me. It is very hard for him right now. The position he finds himself in is one he never envisaged and he worries about buying a property and then losing his job. (Jobs not safe here in the UK) He wants to make the right choice I would assume so that he doesn't lose it all again and have to return to his parents. He has no private space, he has to take of his children under the presence and scrutiny of his parents. I don't know if I myself could even cope with that scenario for a week, let alone 3 years. Thank you so much Carhill for explaining how he might be feeling and thinking....you have helped tremendously and I'm very grateful Encourage him to consistently communicate how "he's doing" and be supportive. Watch for reciprocation. Sounds like you have a good thing going on so far. Best wishes I always start any meet conversation with a Joey line...."How you doing?" and I make him the first topic of conversation. I'm interested in what he does, how he is feeling and how his day has been. I want to support him...because I know he is having a tough time with work, home and life and trying to find balance. He is very VERY creative...tis one of the things I adore about him. And yet at first he almost seemed embarrassed by this skill he has. I've seen his work....it's awesome and I love it...and I tell him this. He said that before in his relationship with his ex she never encouraged him to be better...didn't support him....but he said that I inspire him (if that makes sense). He wants to set up a website and ultimately sell his work....I said to go for it...he said it was overwhelming and didn't know how to achieve this....I talked about having the goal....but thinking about the objectives and steps he needed to take....he asked if I would help him do this and I said Of course and I do! I would love to see him achieve his goal...his dream...and I think he can do it. I listen a lot....we talk a hell of a lot....the communication gets better over time. He is becoming more open...but that is taking time. I suppose building trust and intimacy does take time....but the more I learn about him....the more I get to know him....the better he gets....I told him this the other day....and he replied he loved that I loved him for who he is....and I do: Totally and utterly. Thanks Carhill...you've been magnificent and I will remember what you said and work from that
carhill Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Our psychologist talked about the balance of empathy, caring and getting our own needs met. It's an important balance. I find, being knowledgeable of that balance in myself and being more assertive about maintaining it gives me a healthier perspective. I "feel" better. Be mindful of the balance. Yes, inspiration is important. I will opine it is a very positive sign to hear him verbalize that about you. Watch for his actions to follow those words, including reciprocation. Balance.
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