Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 So as the title suggests....I put myself out there by expressing my wants....and I got a bit rocked by the response. I've been in a relationship for 7 months....and it's progressing....but being the impatient beast I am....I instigated one of those womenly emotional talks and opened myself up to how I see things going and what I would like to happen and to see what his expectations and time line is. You know the kinda talk...the "I want to see where this is going" talk. So I said I would love to live together....that I see that as an option....and I wondered what his thoughts were.....he said "I see us together forever" I said do you have any idea when we would move to the next level such as living together....he said 3 to 4 years. He said He was "Having Fun" and enjoying spending time with me...that he loves me....said He never felt this way about a woman before...but he is happy with how things are and sees no need to change things just yet. I asked if he misses me when we are not together.....( I know I know I know....I was emotional at this point ) He said he rationalizes it with "Well I do and I ache for missing you but I figure I will see you at some point in the next few days and so go with that" For want of a better word....I have an agenda. I've been married before....and I find myself having a slighty (maybe) skewed perception of relationships and marriage. I'm all for marriage....with the right person....but I'm not sure I want to wait 4 years....and run the risk of getting to that point and being told that he has no plans to live together/marry etc. I don't want to have wasted my time. He says he does think about getting married....but he didn't say to me. He just said it generally. Infact just reading this back...everything is answered generally speaking (I can't believe I only just recognised this....damn) Anyway...some advice if I may ask.... I'm thinking of backing off. And not being so "available" I feel kinda annoyed with myself I made him my priority....when it seems looking at it....he made me an option. Would this be the way to go? I want to add I do love him...but I'm getting to the point I'm thinking that I like him waaaayyy more than he likes me even though he tells me I am gorgeous, he never felt this way before, he sees us as "Forever" etc etc. I hear the words....I want to see some actions.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 My input will be skewed to the fact that my b/f of 4.5 years decided it was better to just sort of walk away, than have the discussion and/or move forward, so take it with a grain of salt. While you've only been together for 7 months, depending on your ages, that might be a reasonable amount of time to be having this discussion. I believe that the older you get, the less time you should need for the BS. Rather than ask him what he wants or expects, why don't you tell him what you are looking for and what you need? You certainly have the right to expect your needs to be met, at some pont in the relationship. I applaud you asking these questions this early in the relationship and agreed wholeheartedly that you should not allow too much time to go by before figuring out i fhe will be able to give you what you want. Best of luck to you
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 My input will be skewed to the fact that my b/f of 4.5 years decided it was better to just sort of walk away, than have the discussion and/or move forward, so take it with a grain of salt. My thought processes are skewed by past relationships.....but I thank you for taking the time to respond While you've only been together for 7 months, depending on your ages, that might be a reasonable amount of time to be having this discussion. I believe that the older you get, the less time you should need for the BS. I agree....I'm 35 he is 38. And I don't do BS anymore. Rather than ask him what he wants or expects, why don't you tell him what you are looking for and what you need? You certainly have the right to expect your needs to be met, at some pont in the relationship. I'm getting better at being more succinct in expressing my wants and what makes me happy. Previous Relationships I wasn't so. I learned the hard way that in order to get what you want you a) Need to know what it is you want and b) know that it isn't selfish to have needs, wants and desires and express them and if someone tells you you are being selfish....they are projecting. Oh and that self abnegation doesn't work. Ever. I refuse to be dragged back into that place for a relationship. Been there, done that, worn the t-shirt. BUT....and there is always that little but....at what point do you decide to walk when it isn't working for you? What if you are being uncompromising or have expectations way above and beyond what anyone can give you? Being too fixed in your plan and maybe should exercise some "Go with the flow?" I applaud you asking these questions this early in the relationship and agreed wholeheartedly that you should not allow too much time to go by before figuring out i fhe will be able to give you what you want. Best of luck to you Thank you curious....I'm thinking I should wait maybe 3 or 4 months or to hit the 1 year mark....then re-evaluate....and see where I go from here???
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 BUT....and there is always that little but....at what point do you decide to walk when it isn't working for you? What if you are being uncompromising or have expectations way above and beyond what anyone can give you? Being too fixed in your plan and maybe should exercise some "Go with the flow?" Shall I tell you when I think most clearly? When my mind drops the BS and I can evaluate just what the heck is going on? When I have PMS. The rest of the time, I get caught up in the whirl of it all. PMS puts it into black and white for me. Don't ask me why, but when I act upon decisions made during these times, I am almost invariably spot-on.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Thank you curious....I'm thinking I should wait maybe 3 or 4 months or to hit the 1 year mark....then re-evaluate....and see where I go from here??? Yup one year was the timeline I had in my mind when I first met my ex. Things happened and I compromised - clearly WAY to much. So as I always say to the kids I mentor - DON'T TURN INTO ME!!! Don't make my mistakes.
boxing123 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think if he is 38, and suggesting 4 more years of dating, he is not that into you.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Shall I tell you when I think most clearly? When my mind drops the BS and I can evaluate just what the heck is going on? When I have PMS. The rest of the time, I get caught up in the whirl of it all. PMS puts it into black and white for me. Don't ask me why, but when I act upon decisions made during these times, I am almost invariably spot-on. Wow....I really had a wow moment when I read your post Geishawhelk When I have PMS....it's awful in the fact that I just want to end the relationship. I actually get to that point of thinking it just isn't worth it: for my sanity or my time. After that....we reconnect....have sex....nice words....little bit of time spent together....bang....I'm hooked. Things go along normal....then I start to feel neglected, disconnected and that he isn't really wanting the same thing I do. I start to get resentful...I try to self talk and lower expectations....then I get profound dissapointment....then I want out...and all this in the space of say 5 days while PMS'ing. I come out of that hormonal funk....and so the cycle begins again. I did say at one point in our "Talk" I didn't think I was cut out for relationships right now...he responded with "If you need to take a break or see me less that is fine....I wouldn't see any else as you are the only one" At the time I said "Oh god no that is the last thing I want to do, I want to see you MORE not less" Afterwards....I thought...Oh man he is GOOD! (Like not stupid) I just got well and truly sucked in to that!!! Last night before he left we had very touchy feely and attentive, today I got a phone call, then he said he will call tonight. This is slightly different to how it has been.......
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Yup one year was the timeline I had in my mind when I first met my ex. Things happened and I compromised - clearly WAY to much. So as I always say to the kids I mentor - DON'T TURN INTO ME!!! Don't make my mistakes. I'll remember not to compromise then when the year is up
BoerumHill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Anyway...some advice if I may ask.... I'm thinking of backing off. And not being so "available" I feel kinda annoyed with myself I made him my priority....when it seems looking at it....he made me an option. Would this be the way to go? May I ask why would you handle it that way? Seems passive-aggressive. You're not going to get what you want, he has made that clear. Are you thinking, like a bad puppy, a little tough love will help him come around?? I'm seriously missing the point of wasting time. If, however, you are going to behave that way to transition your way out, I think you should make it clear to him what you are thinking. 38 and 35...I mean if that isn't an age when you are seriously thinking about committment...then it's probably not going to happen. 3-4 more years of having fun? That sounds more like 23 and 20 or 28 and 25. BTW - the flattery... "I see us together forever" (but only wants fun for 4 more years)"I've never felt this way about a woman before" (really?)"You are gorgeous" (OK, 1 out of 3)...all that costs him...yup, exactly nothing. It's a lot to mull over. You don't want to throw away a good thing, you want to give it the full chance it deserves...but I think half-hearted attempts at breaking up (or "backing off") are not going to move things forward. You have a lot to sort through....keep posting.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I think if he is 38, and suggesting 4 more years of dating, he is not that into you. Hmmmm I was thinking the same. (I have that book btw....very interesting but very spot on) OK to all....More info....we both have children. Mine live with me...his with his ex. My ex sees mine EOW....he sees his EOW....and at times our schedules match and we get quality time together (ie: No kids for a whole weekend) Other times a mismatch but he stays with me either one or both weekend nights and then I have a whole day to have quality time with my kids without him. He thinks that going slow is the way to go for the kids (His Kids that is) But he stays at my house in the week, normally once or sometimes twice. He sees my kids more often than his own. My kids are really growing to like him and I'm worried that they are going to get upset if this doesn't work out. I have more than me to think of here. I do not want to get to 4 years and then find out he doesn't want to commit to me. He either does or he doesn't.....I can't pussyfoot around. Does this make sense? I dunno I got this feeling that it's an excuse. That for me....I have this whole circle thing going on that includes him in my life....but he has this triangle which each end is either Him, His Kids, Me. And we are all separate. I make decisions based on the whole....he makes decisions based on him and his kids. I don't figure. I feel I am doing the right thing....I'm backing off. I have to go do my own thing. I know I will be ok....single or not I will continue to be happy....I know I will survive because I did it before.
BoerumHill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Just saw your next post... From my perspective, you are already compromising a lot as it is. You really need to think about this one. As for the tender moment...OK, good puppy is learning...but is that going to last? I dunno...maybe...but I suspect he is slightly scared he's going to lose a good thing so he is stepping up slightly. How much is that costing him? Not much...and it might be just enough. Listen, I'm just saying...character counts. I think you know enough about him to know what he truly is; I could be wrong, but what I have seen too often is we rationalize someone's behavior as "a moment of weakness", when in fact they were revealing exactly who they are.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Just saw your next post... From my perspective, you are already compromising a lot as it is. You really need to think about this one. As for the tender moment...OK, good puppy is learning...but is that going to last? I dunno...maybe...but I suspect he is slightly scared he's going to lose a good thing so he is stepping up slightly. How much is that costing him? Not much...and it might be just enough. Listen, I'm just saying...character counts. I think you know enough about him to know what he truly is; I could be wrong, but what I have seen too often is we rationalize someone's behavior as "a moment of weakness", when in fact they were revealing exactly who they are. I was going to answer your other post then saw this.... I think from my perspective....I am allowing him into my life....to intergrate with my kids and build relationships with them and me....and if he really isn't into me or seeing this as something truly permanent...then he should or I should do the decent thing and not mess around. I really don't want to play games. Backing off I don't like doing....but I thought if I just make myself busy....get back to seeing more of my friends...(I still see them just not as much lately) and not seeing him as much in my home with my kids....then if things don't work out then sure it will hurt...but the impact will be less so. The wish and the want to take a chance is huge. I would love to. But I worry if I wait....it won't work out....and me and my kids will be hurting. And as for the last paragraph...I'm going to be real dumb and say I don't know what you mean? You mean that he revealed in that talk exactly who he is??? And if so what is he???
Garbo Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 My bf is 39 and I'm 38. We've been dating a year and a half. He is not budging much except when I say I want to move forward. The last time I said this he said that after some soul searching, he realized that he had nothing but good things to say about every part of our relationship but the religion part. So now it's the fact that I'm Catholic that scares him. He is doing all this research and reading because he has to see if he can accept the religion since he would want his family to all go to church together...even though he doesn't have a church now, considers himself a Christian and not affiliated with any church. He was raised a close religion to mine but doesn't practice it. So now we are going on a month or so of us not discussing it...business as usual. And I'm losing sleep over the fact that I think he's wasting my time. And my question to myself is the same as yours - how long do I wait before saying move forward or goodbye. It's a sucky situation to be in, and I think he's just buying time.
Garbo Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I've tried involving myself in other things in hopes of getting his attention and backing off. It doesn't work because even though he is not ready for marriage, that doesn't mean he is ready to break up. He will continue to call and wonder what's up, and then you have to be honest. I've also tried cutting out being intimate because it was really messing with my emotions to be giving myself so much to someone, physically and emotionally and financially, and after a year and a half him not moving forward. He was actually okay with this because he felt like getting intimate can sometimes cloud one's judgment. But I recently gave back in to being intimate and am starting to feel used again. So as you can see, it doesn't really do any good to become busy with other things unless you really intend on giving up the relationship if he's not willing to move forward.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I've tried involving myself in other things in hopes of getting his attention and backing off. It doesn't work because even though he is not ready for marriage, that doesn't mean he is ready to break up. He will continue to call and wonder what's up, and then you have to be honest. I've also tried cutting out being intimate because it was really messing with my emotions to be giving myself so much to someone, physically and emotionally and financially, and after a year and a half him not moving forward. He was actually okay with this because he felt like getting intimate can sometimes cloud one's judgment. But I recently gave back in to being intimate and am starting to feel used again. So as you can see, it doesn't really do any good to become busy with other things unless you really intend on giving up the relationship if he's not willing to move forward. Oh Garbo it does suck right? I've tried what you did once before....he asked me if I was distancing as he felt I was. I said I was just busy lately...and then he seemed fine with that. If I go quiet he searches...seeks me out kinda thing. As for the imtimacy it's good....I just would like more. (It's all I ever seem to say lately...please sir can I have some more should be tattooed on my head!) I don't think he wants to break up with me....I just think he has a different agenda. Or he ain't that into me. Or I am overanalyzing the whole thing and need to just go with the flow til the year mark and then re-evaluate. It gets you thinking though....whether he is the right one....whether there is someone out there more in tune with what I want. Or whether I would be better off alone for a few years!!! Way too many questions.
BoerumHill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 And as for the last paragraph...I'm going to be real dumb and say I don't know what you mean? You mean that he revealed in that talk exactly who he is??? And if so what is he??? I'm going to one up your "real dumb" with "I probably don't know him well enough". Seriously, what I meant was I think you know the deal with him; there are some deeper issues that are preventing him from making a commitment or being more comfortable with taking the relationship to the next level of integration. Listen, I have 2 kids, I get the go slow approach - they simply don't meet people I am dating, that comes when I feel confident we are both committed (ummm...OK...in theory...but hasn't happened yet ). However, I think just wanting to have fun for 3-4 years, well, it makes me wonder what the underlying issues are. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself...we all have some baggage, some keep it in a carry-on or shoulder bag, others have a four or five piece set. But is he willing to work on that? Will he work on figuring that out with you, or talking with someone who can help him unlock it? Because unless he takes this thing in a new direction and gets serious, I think there are reasons behind that...and he needs to work on that IMO. ASIDE - I could be off base here...but my thinking is if he isn't willing to go to the next level, just wants to have fun, the real reason has to be a) he isn't THAT into you, or b) he has some trust issues he needs to work on. When I say you know the score, the thing is, you didn't get the answer you were looking for...and that's OK, now you know. But don't think he is going to change just because you have hope. He has to want to, and he has to do the work (if that is the problem) or make the commitment. If he isn't willing to do one of those two things - figure himself out or change his time line - then you need to figure out your exit strategy. That's probably another thread/conversation, but I agree with Garbo...it is probably better to do something proactive than to merely be passive about it.
Garbo Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 He really is getting the better deal here. I'm still going on giving my heart (and soul really), and he is not committing. Yes, it's my fault. He has said he is afraid to let me go if I'm really supposed to be his soulmate. So you and I play the waiting game and we have to be the ones to be proactive, because why should he if he's where he wants to be. No commitment but all the other benefits. Blah, blah, blah, I sound horrible I know, but just being truthful.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I'm going to one up your "real dumb" with "I probably don't know him well enough". LOL....I understand! Seriously, what I meant was I think you know the deal with him; there are some deeper issues that are preventing him from making a commitment or being more comfortable with taking the relationship to the next level of integration. Listen, I have 2 kids, I get the go slow approach - they simply don't meet people I am dating, that comes when I feel confident we are both committed (ummm...OK...in theory...but hasn't happened yet ). His relationship with his ex who he had kids with, ended because she cheated on him. This was about 3 years ago. He was in short, devastated. Lost his home, family unit, well I'm sure many can empathize with him on this situation. It has taken him a long time to reconcile to the fact this is how it is for him, to be separated from his children. Since then he had a few short term (for want of a better word) relationships. Then he met me. He once said that he never met anyone like me, that I had "that certain something" he couldn't quite explain or put his finger on....but that he had never had that before with any other woman. I totally understand the go slow approach with kids...I got some...their feelings are very important to me (whole nuther convo) I have met his kids. They are wonderful boys. Our boys have all met. He tells me a lot he is keen not to upset the balance of the boys minds'. I am keen for this also...but he worries a lot about my boys not accepting him. I reassure that this is not the case...but I also add I can't promise that every day that they will be liking him....I said somedays even my boys get upset or annoyed with me and I am their Mother. He said he worries about upsetting his boys. He also said...(blimey he said a lot)....that he wants it all....like me and his kids....but he can't see how that can happen...and that he has been frustrated by that in the past. However, I think just wanting to have fun for 3-4 years, well, it makes me wonder what the underlying issues are. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself...we all have some baggage, some keep it in a carry-on or shoulder bag, others have a four or five piece set. But is he willing to work on that? Will he work on figuring that out with you, or talking with someone who can help him unlock it? Because unless he takes this thing in a new direction and gets serious, I think there are reasons behind that...and he needs to work on that IMO. Should I ask him if he is willing to work on figuring it out with me? Or just leave it and see if he gets to that place? I have baggage....it comes in the form of children and my ex had some issues and in the end cheated on me. I called time on my marriage....only after I bent over backwards and let him run around with his OW thinking thta might get him to ditch her for me. It didn't work. I ended it. After my divorce I got some therapy...worked on me....and I still do. I focus on me and my goals...(SBT was my way of working through my issues and I continue to apply this to my life) But 3 or 4 years though....I'll be nearly 40 I'm all for having fun....but I really dig this guy. I don't know if I could just be a ""piece of fun" for him or anyone. ASIDE - I could be off base here...but my thinking is if he isn't willing to go to the next level, just wants to have fun, the real reason has to be a) he isn't THAT into you, or b) he has some trust issues he needs to work on. He says he trusts me....we did talk once about he worries that he will get hurt. I worry about that too....but I go with the being brave thing and loving anyway. When I say you know the score, the thing is, you didn't get the answer you were looking for...and that's OK, now you know. But don't think he is going to change just because you have hope. He has to want to, and he has to do the work (if that is the problem) or make the commitment. If he isn't willing to do one of those two things - figure himself out or change his time line - then you need to figure out your exit strategy. That's probably another thread/conversation, but I agree with Garbo...it is probably better to do something proactive than to merely be passive about it. You are right....I didn't get the answer I was looking for. The fixer in me wants to fix it. And whether I should be "fixing" it or working in it is something I ask myself? All relationships require effort and working on. They are not always plain sailing....otherwise we wouldn't have forums filled with people who have issue within their relationships. If it's me putting in all the effort, all the work....then this relationship is not for me. I've been there....I don't want to go back to being the one to carry someone else and do all the work. I want a partnership...a common goal....not someone who thinks relationships don't require working on because they can't be bothered or don't want to change for the betterment of the "us" What kinda of proactive things should I be looking to do? Thanks BoerumHill, I appreciate your help today.
BoerumHill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Yes, you do sound bitter Garbo. That kind of resentment is too often present in unbalanced relationships...but aren't they all? It's such a rare thing to be in a truly mutual bond. There is often one who is loved, and one who is the lover. Someone on here (CaliGuy?) once wrote "whoever cares the least has the most power". That's so cynical, but it is true. I think that is the crux of it for both you and Amy35. You care more, and in doing so have ceded some measure of power. But what's the solution? If you are not willing to be vulnerable, if you don't take chances, you won't know true intimacy. Yet if you do "put yourself out there", and get a lukewarm response...not a good place to be. I've been there.
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Tell me about when you stay over at his house with his kids. How does that go? How old are his kids? When you have "talks", does he get into how he feels or is he just throwing out canned phrases? Does he admit mistakes and weaknesses? When you say you want more intimacy, what do you mean? BTW, I was the guy with the "cares least, most power" saying, which didn't set well with some LS'ers, but it's as true as the day is long
FIREMAN Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Hi. I'm in the SAME EXACT boat. I'm you, my GF is your BF. I was too available for her and she lost respect for me thinking she could have me whenever she wanted. Leave some mystery and be unavailable. Do the relationship ON YOUR terms. Be a little selfish. He'll come running to you. I think it might be too late for me. (Read my post FEMALE ADVICE NEEDED and give feedback if u can). I too wanted to know where things were going. Not that I needed a wedding date, just to know she wasn't wasting my time. She said the same things your BF said. She was comfortable keeping things "simple" and in my opinion, didn't want to lose her friends by telling them she couldn't go out w\them cause she was going to be w\me. She's had lousy friends in the past that busted her chops about being whipped, so she's scared of that happening again. A wall is up and she's afraid of losing her freedom. Eventually, she pulled away from the relationship as things got closer. She'd come back hot n heavy again, only to pull away when marriage or moving in together came up. Be careful with this one, but u have every right to know where this is going. Good Luck
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 He really is getting the better deal here. I'm still going on giving my heart (and soul really), and he is not committing. Yes, it's my fault. He has said he is afraid to let me go if I'm really supposed to be his soulmate. So you and I play the waiting game and we have to be the ones to be proactive, because why should he if he's where he wants to be. No commitment but all the other benefits. Blah, blah, blah, I sound horrible I know, but just being truthful. You know Garbo....I can easily give you advice on what you could do in your situation. In mine...I can't see the wood for the trees. You are at the 1.5 year mark....I think that it's no bad thing to state your bottom line requirements and go from there. Figure out what you want...and if he is unwilling to move forward....then you have 3 options. 1) Discuss it, try to compromise and figure it out how to proceed....and that then leads to option 2 or 3. 2) Accept it. 3) Walk Away. Believe me....I know how hard this is. I tried and tried and waited and waited for my exhusband to work on our marriage issues. We had Counselling. I did everything I could, but ultimately my marriage ended. It failed. It took me a long time to figure I did all I could and that it wasn't enough. I didn't fail, my marriage did. It wasn't working for us. I left it and kept saying "Maybe soon it will change" Trouble was I had already given him so much time....10 years more than I should have done, and in that time he never changed, oh hang on he did....he got worse. We were living together....split up, got back, spilt up, got back. I thought "Hey lets gets married" That didn't work. We had another child....that didn't work either. I did whatever I could to keep him happy and my family intact, it didn't work. The best thing I ever did.....and this took me a VERY long time to say this, was divorcing my ex. It was one of the hardest choices ever...and since then I've made even harder choices. But now today....I don't look back and think I should have stayed, that I could have done better. I just know that I only got one chance at life....and I am entitled as everyone else is to be happy. And how I got to that decision....was writing down my bottom line requirements and focusing on me. And then I woke up to the fact that my marriage was not meant to be. And so I called time on it and moved on. I hope this helps....if not....it just gave me chance to ramble for a bit!!!
BoerumHill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 All relationships require effort and working on. They are not always plain sailing....otherwise we wouldn't have forums filled with people who have issue within their relationships. If it's me putting in all the effort, all the work....then this relationship is not for me. I've been there....I don't want to go back to being the one to carry someone else and do all the work. I want a partnership...a common goal....not someone who thinks relationships don't require working on because they can't be bothered or don't want to change for the betterment of the "us" What kinda of proactive things should I be looking to do? Thanks BoerumHill, I appreciate your help today. Thanks for all the background info...it's a lot to digest. I'm certainly not trying to encourage you to bail out; this may work itself out, you may be overthinking things a bit. You know, us men folk are a bit dense sometimes. So who knows, maybe that convo will jar your significant other into action. You're probably wishing/hoping he would have figured out on his own that it was time to go to the next level. That's one scenario for you to be hopeful about. Maybe in the near term you will see some dramatic shift. Hey, this is a big step for everyone...you...him...the children. That takes awhile to process and figure out (BUT not 3-4 years!!! ). But on the other hand...if things stay status quo...well, by proactive I mean you have to have the next conversation. The hard one. Sorry, but I'm not here to just hang out and have fun. Not going back to check...from memory did you say you are in month 7 and had a one year time frame in mind? I think that sounds about right. BTW...I imagine you feel some resentment and hurt that you didn't get reciprocity. I would find a gentle way to let him know how he made you feel. I know, he should already know...but we Martians can be really slow. I think you should be in the habit of expressing disappointment and letting him know how you feel - it sure beats pushing it down inside. If you don't, it might come out later in a heated moment...and that never helps, if you know what I mean. Good luck...thanks for sharing. I truly enjoy learning from each other here at LS.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Tell me about when you stay over at his house with his kids. How does that go? He doesn't have his own place. He lives with his parents. When he spilt with his ex (mother of his boys) he had to move back to his parents and save for a new place. 3 years later he is just at that point of looking at moving into a new place....and I come along. He put off moving for 6 months to see how things panned out with us...then he said after Christmas he wanted to then get his own place as he can't cope with living at his folks no more. He said this goal he has had since his relationship ended. He still has this goal. He has said to his boys since the spilt that he would eventually find his own place and they could spend time with him there. He said he doesn't want to let them down...which i understand. I visit him and his kids at his folks place. We go out for the day or spend the day indoors. It's kinda cool...they are great kids. At first their was a jealousy issue with his oldest....but as time goes on....he is 100 times better. I notice when I have spent too much time with them all....the boys get a bit tetchy/clingy....and then I make that my cue to go home and give them space. BF only sees them EOW. Two days out of 14 so I do not dominate BF time with his kids. That's his time. I haven't overnighted with him and his boys. But if BF is free and I am not....he will overnight with me and my boys for the weekend...leaving early Sunday to give me time with my boys. BF said when he gets his own place....then I can spend weekends with him when we are free....but if we have our respective kids on the same weekend....we tend to stay apart and concentrate on our own. We mix infrequently as a whole unit....sometimes we do meet at the local park or his come to me and the boys play XBOX/PS2 etc....normally pizzas and drink....5 or 6 hours then they go home. I'm not about to start suggesting we all stay overnight in the same place....I fear BF would say no it's too soon. How old are his kids? 9 and 5. Mine 17, 14, 13 and 5. ALL boys. When you have "talks", does he get into how he feels or is he just throwing out canned phrases? Does he admit mistakes and weaknesses? He talks about how he feels. He goes with "I feel...." statements. He is a super analyzer. He will think an issue to death...and only go with the option that is best for everyone with the least amount of hurt and upset. He is open to advice and suggestions...and now can see other sides. Before he didn't think he could be changed in his perspectives on certain issues. Now though meeting me he has become more open and able to see other POV. He does admit sometimes he doesn't always do what is right or best....and that he can be wrong... He is most open post coital...or when we have had a relaxed day and he is driving.... I do not instigate talks when he is tired, he shuts down. (Doesn't everyone) Sometimes though....when the subject gets close to the bone....he will shut down and/or change the subject. Like if it's too painful. When you say you want more intimacy, what do you mean? It's like this....when I wake up with him I love it. I would love to wake up with him more often. I love sharing my bed. I love talking with him. I love sharing my life with him. We have a laugh, we have fun, we hang out, we go out a lot, we "Date"...... But just lately I've felt kinda bummed out by the drop in sex. We have sex normally when he stays over. Now in Dec/Jan he is stacked at work....and overnights are currently at once a week and alternative weekends Fri night to sunday evening. I want more sex....I love sex....I love making love....and I especially LOVE doing it with him. We just don't get to do it that much because we don't overnight as much as I want to. I know relationships are not about sex....but say I see him on a tuesday....and then at the weekend he has his kids....then he won't be staying over til the following tuesday or wednesday....so we get to sleep together and be intimate and build on that intimacy once a week with EOW a couple of times. This weekend just gone....we did it once....had a day trip out and as he was tired we didn't have sex...then in the morning we got up....and went out again....great we had fun....I want to have fun in bed too. And I got royalled pissed off and told him I was annoyed. He said he had to go home for a bit to get some clean clothes...I asked how long he was going to be....he said 30 minutes....I said make it an hour I need to "Knock one out" he looked at me....shocked....and then he was upset that I was upset...and then he left. Part of me was thinking....I just told you I am so up for it you would only need to do 2 minutes tops to finish me off....he went home. I'm thinking either I am a sexual nut job.....or there is something wrong.... Later on though he was more touchy feely....but no sex. BTW, I was the guy with the "cares least, most power" saying, which didn't set well with some LS'ers, but it's as true as the day is long I've seen that quote....and I reckon it's spot on.
Author Amy35 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I'm certainly not trying to encourage you to bail out; this may work itself out, you may be overthinking things a bit. You know, us men folk are a bit dense sometimes. So who knows, maybe that convo will jar your significant other into action. You're probably wishing/hoping he would have figured out on his own that it was time to go to the next level. That's one scenario for you to be hopeful about. Maybe in the near term you will see some dramatic shift. Hey, this is a big step for everyone...you...him...the children. That takes awhile to process and figure out (BUT not 3-4 years!!! ). I was hoping he would lead....that it wouldn't be me shaking things up all the time and moving things on. I always seem to be the one to instiagte conversations about us. And would you believe more often than not he says "Oh I was thinking the exact same thing!" And then I think well why didn't you just say something instead of keeping it in and not saying nothing. I would love a man to take the lead....and not in a dominating/controlling way (Been there done that) I mean in the sense that working towards total commitment, expressing himself without prompting from me. I may see some dramatic shift....but like you say....I don't want to wait 3 to 4 years!!! But on the other hand...if things stay status quo...well, by proactive I mean you have to have the next conversation. The hard one. Sorry, but I'm not here to just hang out and have fun. Not going back to check...from memory did you say you are in month 7 and had a one year time frame in mind? I think that sounds about right. Yep....7 months....and one year is the start of June. It's turning into a cycle....one where I get ansty and suck it up....let it stew for a bit then one day blow and say something. I have a goal at present to express myself more...at the point I feel it and not to bottle it up. (was me in the past....now I combat that with going with what I feel at that time and not let resentment brew....but it's a battle within me) BTW...I imagine you feel some resentment and hurt that you didn't get reciprocity. I would find a gentle way to let him know how he made you feel. I know, he should already know...but we Martians can be really slow. I think you should be in the habit of expressing disappointment and letting him know how you feel - it sure beats pushing it down inside. If you don't, it might come out later in a heated moment...and that never helps, if you know what I mean. Good luck...thanks for sharing. I truly enjoy learning from each other here at LS. I do know what you mean about expressing disappointment....I get that at least once a month at present. I go with validatory statements....and understand the position he is in...but I cannot hide when I feel disappointment any more....I have to spill so to speak otherwise it affects my sanity. You are telling me Martians are slow....it makes me feel so impatient and needy....which is absurd.... If you look at it....he comes over, he calls, we make plans for future functions, he gets better at including me in his schedule, he tells me he loves, he tells me it's forever, I've met his friends, parents, kids, he calls when he is shopping asking if I need anything....I could go on.... But I just want to know he wants the same things as I do....and whether he would consider moving in sooner...than waiting some pre-allotted time that he feels is best for him....I've heard of going slow....but I ain't no tortoise....
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