caterpillar Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I've been dating my boyfriend for over three years, one year long distance (los angeles/new york). I need some advice on breaking up in a way that will be the most considerate - I care about him immensely but it's just not meant to be. He is coming out to visit me soon (it would have been better if I were visiting him, but I visited him over the holidays and that would have been terrible timing) - what do people think about when/how to break up? In person when he first comes? In person right before he leaves? On the phone before? On the phone after? He doesn't have much of a support system out here in Los Angeles. I personally feel like I would prefer on the phone (so I could be alone) if I were in his shoes, but conventional wisdom says in person. Thoughts anyone? Thank you.
lofi_tokyo Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Have you been kind of emotionally distancing yourself for a while? Should he kind of see this coming?
Author caterpillar Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 I certainly feel like I have been trying to drop hints - like talking about feeling uncertain, mostly focusing attention on me and my not feeling ready for making decisions about the long term in general. Also, I tried to break up when I moved out here, but changed my mind then. However, he's kind of the type to be easily in denial - for example, he keeps talking a lot about plans to move out here despite (from my perspective) my attempts to express more distance...
neverlost Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I've been dating my boyfriend for over three years, one year long distance (los angeles/new york). I need some advice on breaking up in a way that will be the most considerate - I care about him immensely but it's just not meant to be. He is coming out to visit me soon (it would have been better if I were visiting him, but I visited him over the holidays and that would have been terrible timing) - what do people think about when/how to break up? In person when he first comes? In person right before he leaves? On the phone before? On the phone after? He doesn't have much of a support system out here in Los Angeles. I personally feel like I would prefer on the phone (so I could be alone) if I were in his shoes, but conventional wisdom says in person. Thoughts anyone? Thank you. Usually I'd say give someone the respect of breaking up in person. But on this occasion, I think you should do it a week or so before he is due to visit you over the phone. I know I wouldn't like to be in another city and get dumped and to be left all alone. And to be looking forward to seeing you and then to be hit with that. Sometimes we might all go a bit crazy when finished with, and to be so far from home, isn't a good thing at all. On the phone, give it time to sink in, and then if he still wants to come and see you to talk or anything, his head would have settled a little by then. Absolutely do not let him visit and act as though everything is fine and then tell him on the day he leaves. Everyday would just be fake then, and when he finds that out, it will hurt a lot. I respect you for wanting to do it the best way, but that is a problem with long distance, it can't always be the best way possible when you break up. Just don't leave it too long "pretending" you still want to be with him, because afetr all, nobody likes to live a lie. I hope it goes as best as possible. Take care, -neverlost
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