AAlike Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Is she being affectionate towards you in ways other than sex? I could handle no sex due to circumstance - I couldn't handle no affection. what has her reaction been when you've asked her about this?
mental_traveller Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Tell her what you told us. If you still get no sex despite that, then you're gonna have to get divorced, or become a cheater, or go insane. Hopefully it won't come to that, but obviously divorce is the best of those 3 options.
amerikajin Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 To the original poster, I think the thing here is to step back, take a deep breath and really think about what's going on in your relationship. The important thing in any relationship is to remember that not only must you be understood, but you must also understand -- you must also understand what your partner is going through. Your feelings of neglect may be perfectly valid on the one hand, but you should also consider that her lack of desire may be perfectly natural and normal given the fact that she has just given birth to your child. I think the important thing here is that you must first try to keep an open mind about things. But just as important is that you need to communicate with her in a very open but non-hostile and non-confrontational matter. If it were me, I would perhaps just ask her questions and get her side of things and just listen to her. Don't even think about going into this kind of discussion pushing your needs for sexual gratification on her -- that's not important right now. It may seem like it to you, but for the time being the nature of your relationship has changed -- accept that. Open communication may not get her in the mood right now, but if you approach it the right way, you can maybe make her feel a lot more comfortable around you, and she will eventually come around and want to have sex with you. If you keep pushing it on her though, if you keep blaming her for things, you're just going to make her feel a lot more uncomfortable in the relationship. Just accept that, for now, the nature of your relationship has temporarily changed. She's assuming a maternal role now, and you should be assuming a paternal role, not thinking about your sexual needs. Lastly, if you can't get her to open up or if you think that the communication isn't going anywhere, then you should both agree to marriage counseling. A professional counselor can sit you both down and get you talking again. A counselor can also be an objective third party and get you both to look at the relationship more objectively.
lamaman3 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I cant believe some of the inconsiderate posters on here who are jumping down the OP's throat. I pity the men who end up with you - I mean that in all sincerity. Can you imagine if a woman was complaining that her husband hadnt kissed her or told her that he loved her in over a year - and said that maybe he will kiss her again someday?! And people started jumping on the woman - asking her why shes selfishly badgering her husband?!!? A relationship is a 2 way street - apparently some of the posters here think a woman simply needs to get married - and then can start treating their husbands like children who they have to "put up with" and scold when they ask for silly unimportant things like sex. And they wonder why so many men have commitment issues. Relationship is a 2 way street - it constantly has to be nurtured or else it will deteriorate and die. The husband has been supportive now for over a year and his wife completely shuts him out and refuses to nurture the relationship at all - and now people are surprised that he feels the relationship is deteriorating?!? When one partner stops nurturing the relationship...the other wont carry the burden forever - one year since birth has been more than enough time for a husband to go without any physical affection from his wife...physical affection is a NEED - providing it is one of the duties in a relationship with someone - and if his wife refuses to do her part in the relationship for OVER A YEAR - its time for the husband to let her know that he wont do his part unilaterally without any reciprocation - and his part includes pledge of monogamy - let her know when you got married you didnt sign up to be a roomate - and you refuse to live that sort of life - so after your patience of one year - she can either start doing her part - or you will find someone else who will.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 one year since birth Just to clarify, this is an erroneous statement. Marriages are between two people. If needs aren't being met, it's up to the TWO individuals to find a way to make it happen. If they can't, they break the compact and walk. Dragging in third parties does nothing but hurt all parties and realistically speaking, is a morally-bankrupt way to handle problems, unless you have no issues with lying and cheating as a whole. If so, I guess it's no big deal...
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 People are welcome and will correct me if I'm wrong but marriage isn't like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where people constantly chase each other around with frying pans and smack each other over the head, when angry. If one adult has issues with the performance of another adult, in whatever way, adults sit down and discuss issues. They listen to each other and sometimes roll-over, sometimes get their way and sometimes compromise. Affairs are inherently childish. Do you honestly want to be part of a marriage built on frying pan action?
Trimmer Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Just to clarify, this is an erroneous statement. Right, it's been 4 months since the baby's birth; about one year (since she got pregnant) that they've "grown away from each other in many aspects of marriage (mentally physically and emotionally)" including not having sex. Dragging in third parties does nothing but hurt all parties and realistically speaking, is a morally-bankrupt way to handle problems, unless you have no issues with lying and cheating as a whole. If so, I guess it's no big deal... I'm assuming you're talking about affairs here, and not marriage counselors. Just checking, as some of the recent posts have suggested counseling, too, and I know some people have negative feelings about that (but I wouldn't call it morally bankrupt...) People are welcome and will correct me if I'm wrong but marriage isn't like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where people constantly chase each other around with frying pans and smack each other over the head, when angry. Pretty sure that's right. Now I'm going to have to go and Google it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I'm assuming you're talking about affairs here, and not marriage counselors. Just checking, as some of the recent posts have suggested counseling, too, and I know some people have negative feelings about that (but I wouldn't call it morally bankrupt...)IMO, if you're sleeping with your marriage counsellor, this is also morally-bankrupt. Pretty sure that's right. Now I'm going to have to go and Google it.Great idea! Verification can never hurt but a frying pan can!
lamaman3 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 Just to clarify, this is an erroneous statement. Marriages are between two people. If needs aren't being met, it's up to the TWO individuals to find a way to make it happen. If they can't, they break the compact and walk. Dragging in third parties does nothing but hurt all parties and realistically speaking, is a morally-bankrupt way to handle problems, unless you have no issues with lying and cheating as a whole. If so, I guess it's no big deal... No point in lying - that would defeat the whole purpose...Lying is what you do when you are ashamed of something - the OP having thoughts of other women since his wife has now shut him out sexually for over a year is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Shed probably respect him more knowing he still has some testosterone left in his rapidly shrinking testicles. He needs to let his wife know that the status quo is unacceptable - and if they cant figure out a way to make it change - then they can discuss other options. I think talk of "cheating" and "affairs" may not be applicable here. When you cease to view someone as a sexual partner and have no plans or interest to sleep with them again or change the situation- you are no longer "romantically" involved with them and no longer have any say into who else they will be sleeping with. Since the wife seems to be content to stay married without any sex life whatsoever - they may be able to work out some arrangement that could very well include, but not necessarrily include, divorce. Im just saying it dosent have to be black and white.
clv0116 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 I think talk of "cheating" and "affairs" may not be applicable here. .... Since the wife seems to be content to stay married without any sex life whatsoever .... A good point if that is the case. If he has continued to try and get with her and if she is turning him down or systematically discouraging him. Then you have a very solid point. No woman, marriage contract or not, should assume she can cut off access to regular sex and still expect 'fidelity'; it's just stupid to think that way. If he's honestly trying to get intimate and it's constantly not allowed then she knows what might happen. We have to assume she's not a complete idiot. On the other hand it's pretty easy for a man to no longer feel attracted to someone and manipulate that into 'we never have sex anymore' with the aim of using that to justify stepping out. The second explanation seems most likely in my estimation.
porter218 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 one year since birth has been more than enough time OK...Well lets approach that once it actually has been 1yr since birth. They aren't even close to that yet. Can you imagine if a woman was complaining that her husband hadnt kissed her or told her that he loved her in over a year - and said that maybe he will kiss her again someday?! And people started jumping on the woman - asking her why shes selfishly badgering her husband?!!? That isn't even close to the same thing. You try carrying some squirming creature inside you for 9months that makes it impossible to eat, sleep, breath, or function at all. Then Push this 6-9lb creature out of a hole that isn't large enough to let something that big out. You tear your vagina while pushing this creature out. Your hormones are out of whack, and when you are breastfeeding you don't produce the natural lubrication that women need for sex. Throw in full blown exhaustion to the point that you speak English like it is your second language ...yet you have no first language. you are getting only about an hour at a time of sleep, and once the baby is 3months old you may get 3-4 hours of sleep. Then tell me how important sex is to you. Remember..... This period is only temporary. It doesn't last forever, unless you plan on having 17 children.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 OK...Well lets approach that once it actually has been 1yr since birth. They aren't even close to that yet. That isn't even close to the same thing. You try carrying some squirming creature inside you for 9months that makes it impossible to eat, sleep, breath, or function at all. Then Push this 6-9lb creature out of a hole that isn't large enough to let something that big out. You tear your vagina while pushing this creature out. Your hormones are out of whack, and when you are breastfeeding you don't produce the natural lubrication that women need for sex. Throw in full blown exhaustion to the point that you speak English like it is your second language ...yet you have no first language. you are getting only about an hour at a time of sleep, and once the baby is 3months old you may get 3-4 hours of sleep. Then tell me how important sex is to you. Remember..... This period is only temporary. It doesn't last forever, unless you plan on having 17 children. Hopefully not a creature, but a beautiful child is being pushed out of my SO's womb. All of that is understandable, but men have needs to. We want to get our rocks off everyday almost. Going months without sex is crazy, I can't even think of doing that.
Trialbyfire Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Since the wife seems to be content to stay married without any sex life whatsoever - they may be able to work out some arrangement that could very well include, but not necessarrily include, divorce. Im just saying it dosent have to be black and white.An open marriage isn't something that most people want or remain happy in, although the odd person can. Before introducing a topic of discussion which would disgust most people, perhaps try some good old-fashioned husband to wife, partner to partner, honest, mature discussion about what the issues are. This marriage seems to sadly be lacking in communication.
Trimmer Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 This marriage seems to sadly be lacking in communication. And on that note, I think we are sadly lacking in communication from the OP. I think there are a lot of details to be filled in here, and lots of questions and suggestions have been raised that merit some responses. It's getting to the point where we're just running open loop, without some more substantive input, which I hope the OP will come back for...
clv0116 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 That isn't even close to the same thing. You try carrying some squirming creature inside you for 9months that makes it impossible to eat, sleep, breath, or function at all. For all 9 months? Really? You're not exaggerating just a teensy little bit here are you by any stretch? I've known plenty of single moms in my life and those that were in a position to date had no issues with sex for the vast majority of the term. Getting pregnant sure wasn't an issue.
porter218 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 For all 9 months? Really? You're not exaggerating just a teensy little bit here are you by any stretch? I've known plenty of single moms in my life and those that were in a position to date had no issues with sex for the vast majority of the term. Getting pregnant sure wasn't an issue. Nope, every pregnancy is different. My first pregnancy was extraordinarily difficult for the first 4 months and then I was absolutely fine for the final 5, then my second pregnancy was easy for the first 2 months then absolute murder for the remaining 5 months. I was capable of sex during the pregnancies, however the second pregnancy I would have been happy to not have sex at all. As far as after the babies I had sex within one week of the first one, but only out of fear. I feared my H would cheat but in retrospect I should have just not had sex because his fidelity is not my responsibility. After my 1st was 6months old sex was back to 2-5times a day like usual. After my 2nd, hormones have completely robbed me of my drive for sex. We have it about 2 times a week as compared to our 2-5times a day. This time I didn't make love for about 6 weeks, but the truth is after a baby I really don't want much to do with sex for about 5months.
Trialbyfire Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Nope, every pregnancy is different. My first pregnancy was extraordinarily difficult for the first 4 months and then I was absolutely fine for the final 5, then my second pregnancy was easy for the first 2 months then absolute murder for the remaining 5 months. I was capable of sex during the pregnancies, however the second pregnancy I would have been happy to not have sex at all. As far as after the babies I had sex within one week of the first one, but only out of fear. I feared my H would cheat but in retrospect I should have just not had sex because his fidelity is not my responsibility. After my 1st was 6months old sex was back to 2-5times a day like usual. After my 2nd, hormones have completely robbed me of my drive for sex. We have it about 2 times a week as compared to our 2-5times a day. This time I didn't make love for about 6 weeks, but the truth is after a baby I really don't want much to do with sex for about 5months. I was chatting with my friend about her pregnancies and with first one, she spent the first four months vomiting until around 10 a.m. every morning. While she made herself eat, she had little interest in food nvm sex drive! At around 6 months, she ended up with gestational diabetes and had to watch what she ate. At around 8 months, she wasn't allowed to do anything besides bed rest since there was some concern about miscarriage with some placental separation. The good news was that her son was born healthy and happy but via a C-section since his head was too big. The bad news was that her husband didn't get any sex for over a year, since she was determined to breast feed but had great difficulties doing it. She eventually ended up using the pump, which took so much time that by the end of the night, she was exhausted. Her second child was a breeze! Five hours labour by natural childbirth. The baby latched easily and was a strong sucker. Their sex life thrived. While I doubt most women go through this much trauma from pregnancy, don't be so quick to say that childbirth is so easy and natural. It doesn't always happen that way and when it doesn't, a sex life will be the last thing on a woman's mind. You can call my friend selfish for not meeting the needs of her spouse...
Author buu Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 And on that note, I think we are sadly lacking in communication from the OP. I think there are a lot of details to be filled in here, and lots of questions and suggestions have been raised that merit some responses. It's getting to the point where we're just running open loop, without some more substantive input, which I hope the OP will come back for... You are absolutely right. Its been a while but Im back. (finally got my new computer)as far as my situation it is still the same (probably worse). I know there are a lot of questions I left unanswered and I will be happy to fill them in as they come. .
lostsunsets Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Since you take care of so much including working. What exactly does your wife do all day?
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 People are welcome and will correct me if I'm wrong but marriage isn't like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where people constantly chase each other around with frying pans and smack each other over the head, when angry. OH CRAP. I've been doing it wrong! (scuttling off quietly to put frying pan away) The things you learn.
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 You are absolutely right. Its been a while but Im back. (finally got my new computer)as far as my situation it is still the same (probably worse). I know there are a lot of questions I left unanswered and I will be happy to fill them in as they come. . They already came - you need to participate here, with more substantial detail, if you want to get reasonable discussion and advice. Read back over your own thread and help illuminate things some more... [a mother] who is either: A - so confident in herself as a mother, that she is arrogantly dismissive of anybody else's attempts to look after her baby as well as she can, or B- One who feels that if she lets anybody else help she is a complete failure as a mother and is incapable of dealing with the baby by herself because it's her job..... ...perhaps the OP might be able to objectively and dispassionately give us his opinion as to which of the two above rationales it is. Or it could be something else again..... Is she being affectionate towards you in ways other than sex? I could handle no sex due to circumstance - I couldn't handle no affection. what has her reaction been when you've asked her about this? Just checking, but while your thread subject sounds like "I'm considering cheating on my wife," I think what you really mean is "I'm having thoughts of cheating on my wife, even though I wouldn't," is that correct? Maybe that's for another thread, but do you mean that she does it all herself and doesn't allow you to do any of it, or just the opposite, where you are doing it all, and she refuses to pitch in? I can't help but ask this indelicate question, and shoot me down if I'm way off base, but is there any possibility that the baby is not your biological child? She has frozen you out of sex since his conception, and if I'm reading your comment correctly, she has frozen you out of bonding and caretaking privileges with the child since his birth... C'mon - there are lots of questions out there already, you need to participate...
Author buu Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 This is so depressing. Your wife is taking care of YOUR child, which can be so emotionally and physically exhausting, and all you can think about is putting your d*** into someone else. Threads like these are what make me contemplate to never have children. Grow up and be a man, she already has one child to take care of, she doesn't need another one. And maybe you're not meeting her emotional needs, so she's not in the mood to have sex with you? Wow! How very one sided of you. Did you even read my post? Keep this in mind. Just because Im a guy does not mean that I think with my D----. This is far from the truth. Well, you have three choices..... 1) Live with your marriage as is. 2) Leave your marriage through divorce or an affair. 3) Fix your marriage. What do you really want? You obviously do not want to live with your marriage as is or you would not be here posting a thread. Do you want a divorce? If so, then think of the consequences...lost wife, broken family, less time with child and more. And what happens if she meets a guy who actually takes the time to discover why she is non-sexual? Then not only you have lost her, but you will see what could have been. Do you want an affair? Secret life, brief pleasure for life time of pain, and then see divorce. What if you fixed the marriage? Since you are reaching the end of your patience, let's say for the sake of argument that before an affair or divorce you try to find out what is wrong. There are a number of possibilities... 1) Did she have a difficult childbirth? Perhaps she does not want the pain of labor and delivery again. 2) Does she feel overwhelmed? Having sex may mean another baby to her. And, another baby means more work. 3) Why does she feel she needs to do everything herself? Does she not trust you? Does she feel the need to be the perfect mother? I wonder if this "another story" is really "THE story." 4) Her hormones have not balanced out yet. While she would be in the minority here, it is not out of the question. 5) Is she depressed? What did she give up to be a mother? Her career? Her friends? Her nights out with friends? Does she get out alone ever? 6) Perhaps while you feel she is not meeting your needs, she feels as if you are not meeting the needs of the family? How many hours a week do you work? How many hours a week do you spend with her? Do the two of you sit down and talk without having a baby present? Do you have date nights? Do you treat her as your sweetheart? 7) Why do you feel that marriage is about meeting your needs? And while some have said that you should expect certain things from marriage, the question becomes...what can you give to your marriage and family? Usually when we reach the point of resenting the lack of our needs being met, we have reached the point of not fulfilling her needs. My point is that since you have reached the end, then before ending things, be certain you have tried everything to fix the problems. And if you do not know the problem, then the first problem the two of you have is a lack of communication. Once you have reached the point where she can open up to you as a friend and not feel as if it will turn into an argument, then you can research the possible solutions. Some will say that you should not have to jump through hoops just to have sex. I agree. But if you want mutual and enjoyable lovemaking, then it behooves you to do everything possible to make her want to enjoy it with you. You could say "It isn't worth it." And then I say to go back and remember you wedding day. Would that groom say just run at the first sign of trouble, or would he say..."Do what you can, because SHE is worth it." Good luck...I speak as one who has been there and will at some point be there again. I speak as one who has felt as you do. I speak as one who has discovered that it IS worth the effort to change a marriage. Yes I want to fix my marriage. Just like others I want to be happily married and have a family of my own. 1. Yes according to the DOC. She had fibroids and was on bed rest after month 6. 2. No. If she could she would quit her job and have many many more. 3. Im pretty sure she don’t trust me and she give such petty excuses on why. (“You MIGHT forget something” or “ I prefer it done my way and I can do it better anyway so…..”) 4. I can totally understand that but to push me out of her life and the baby’s as well? 5. NO. being a mother was her dream. If she could she would quit and be a stay at home mom. No friends outside of family. Never goes out alone 6. I have 2 jobs but I do manage time very well. Im usually home by 7 pm. Weekends are optional for my line of work. I use to spend a lot of time with her but as of the past 2-3 months I stay to myself because at times she can be unbearable and I tend to get frustrated very easily. 7. I believe marriage should be about 2 ppl working together to achieve a common goal. Both are willing to help each other along the way or coming to some kind of compromise. It should not just be one sided. I’m got getting that out of my marriage. Thus creating these thoughts of cheating. I do not want to cheat on my wife. Let me put that out there for everyone to understand. However I do feel that there is something severely lacking in our relationship and my eyes are starting to wonder elsewhere. When I bring this subject up to her she tends to dodge or shutdown the conversation. I have put forth a lot of effort in many ways towards our relationship up to the turn of the year because frankly, it’s just irritating to keep getting turned down again and again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 ..dont do it! if you want sex just get it from her, you must exhaust all avenues first. you'll feel like scum afterwards.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you're going to cheat, make sure the OW doesn't get attached and make sure you have your excuse, lie for that excuse, details about the lie, and some more **** ready for your wife if and after you cheat. To be honest you are not in the wrong wanting to drift because the sex is lacking. Men are physical/logical creatures. We think with our dick alot, but not all the time. But you're damn right that sex is important to me. I tell my GF all the time now "if the sex is sucking, or lacking, and I'm still with you, I'm cheating". She ****s my brains out now.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I’ve been married for almost 3 years. We have recent added a new baby boy to our lives. He is almost 4 months old. This past year we have really grown away from each other in many aspects of marriage (mentally physically and emotionally). I honestly feel that she does not care to even meet my needs as a husband. Its been a YEAR since we had sex and I find myself looking at other women plus thinking about stepping out on my wife. It is just a thought that comes in my head and then quickly leaves. But lately I find these thoughts coming more and more often. My question is are these thoughts normal behavior for going without for so long? TALK TO HER! If you are miserable, and you talk to her, and things don't change, then when all else fails, get a divorce. DO NOT CHEAT!! don't become a piece of s##t. I know having a child, especially that young, its tough to think about divorce. So for you to not become a cheating scumbag, you have 3 options: 1) talk to her, maybe things will get better and the marriage will improve. Possibly tell her you want to go to marriage counseling. 2) talk to her, or don't, the marriage will not improve and you simply stay in a marriage and be miserable for your child.(which I can tell you is the wrong reason to stay married and miserable for the rest of your life) 3) talk to her, try counseling, and if nothing works and you are completely miserable a year or more from now, get a divorce.
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