buu Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I’ve been married for almost 3 years. We have recent added a new baby boy to our lives. He is almost 4 months old. This past year we have really grown away from each other in many aspects of marriage (mentally physically and emotionally). I honestly feel that she does not care to even meet my needs as a husband. Its been a YEAR since we had sex and I find myself looking at other women plus thinking about stepping out on my wife. It is just a thought that comes in my head and then quickly leaves. But lately I find these thoughts coming more and more often. My question is are these thoughts normal behavior for going without for so long?
lilmrcheerful Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think that even if you're not happy in your marriage, I wouldn't put her through that, I think if things are that bad I would rather seperate than cheat outright whilst still together, that's just a horrible thing to do. I would certainly vote against the idea, but rather, I think perhaps seek some marriage guidance instead and work towards finding a solution than casusing something that could be irreversible especially if done just out of frustration and to get your point across...
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 In other words, you didn't have sex during the latter part of her pregnancy and the early part of your son's birth? Did you do anything to help make her feel sexy?Did you romance her at all with nights out, babysitter and all?Have you discussed any of your concerns with her?Also, did she have a caesarian or natural birth?Did she tear badly, if it was a natural birth?Is she exhausted all the time with the new baby?Is she breast feeding?How much help are you around the house with domestic chores, including caring for the baby?You don't need to answer these questions to me or anyone else on LS. But...you need to be honest with yourself and to your wife. After you've thought about these questions, maybe have a heart-to-heart with her.
Author buu Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Without being too long winded: As soon as she found out she was pregnant the sex stopped totally. Its literally been about a year We talked about this and the best response over this period of time "Dont worry. we'll have sex someday." That was a month after the baby was born. She refuses to share the responsibilities of the baby with me what-so-ever.:mad: But that’s another story
Trimmer Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Just checking, but while your thread subject sounds like "I'm considering cheating on my wife," I think what you really mean is "I'm having thoughts of cheating on my wife, even though I wouldn't," is that correct? In other words, are these just fantasy thoughts that you are putting in their proper place, or do you think you might actually weaken to the point of acting out any of this? Bottom line, for someone who hasn't had sex in a year, I think those thoughts are not surprising, but they certainly are an indicator that something is wrong - not that you need any more indicators than you already have. She refuses to share the responsibilities of the baby with me what-so-ever.:mad: But that’s another story Maybe that's for another thread, but do you mean that she does it all herself and doesn't allow you to do any of it, or just the opposite, where you are doing it all, and she refuses to pitch in? I can't help but ask this indelicate question, and shoot me down if I'm way off base, but is there any possibility that the baby is not your biological child? She has frozen you out of sex since his conception, and if I'm reading your comment correctly, she has frozen you out of bonding and caretaking privileges with the child since his birth...
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Without being too long winded: As soon as she found out she was pregnant the sex stopped totally. Its literally been about a year We talked about this and the best response over this period of time "Dont worry. we'll have sex someday." That was a month after the baby was born. She refuses to share the responsibilities of the baby with me what-so-ever.:mad: But that’s another story You need to make sure she knows that you think sex is important. If you let her know how you feel, and she doesn't care enough to take action. Just dump her. Don't waste your time with a woman who does not love you. Also, don't let everyone tell you that you need to do x,y,z. If you need to jump through hoops to get sex once a month... she simply is not attracted to you. Do not make the mistake of spending one moment too long with a woman who rejects you like that. She just isnt worth it.
lkjh Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 You have to tell her your problem and seek some real help. Let her know that this isn't gonna work but do not cheat. You have a son to worry about.
c-riouz Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 This is so depressing. Your wife is taking care of YOUR child, which can be so emotionally and physically exhausting, and all you can think about is putting your d*** into someone else. Threads like these are what make me contemplate to never have children. Grow up and be a man, she already has one child to take care of, she doesn't need another one. And maybe you're not meeting her emotional needs, so she's not in the mood to have sex with you?
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 You need to make sure she knows that you think sex is important. If you let her know how you feel, and she doesn't care enough to take action. Just dump her. Don't waste your time with a woman who does not love you. Also, don't let everyone tell you that you need to do x,y,z. If you need to jump through hoops to get sex once a month... she simply is not attracted to you. Do not make the mistake of spending one moment too long with a woman who rejects you like that. She just isnt worth it. This post is really nasty. Either you're a guy, and you have no idea what it's like trying to have and look after a child, or you're a woman who has also never done either. Not wanting sex when your partner does, is a terrible feeling. It's just all you think about and fear - yes, fear - when they're around. A woman's body can take anything up to a year - maybe more - to recover from Childbirth. That includes hormones settling down. Remember that a woman can succumb to post-natal depression anything as much as 5 years after the baby is born.... When your hormones are still in avolatile state, when you're tired and a baby takes up all your time, when all you can think of is routine - life is a bitch. I'm not absolving her of all blame., She bears a great deal of responsibility in this. To keep dangling, "Dont worry. we'll have sex someday!" under your nose is both irrational and unreasonable. You do need to tell her that this is bothering you a lot, and that you are beginning to think that your role in the relationship is completely redundant. How does she feel about you? When will some day be? Put her on the spot. Suggest she has a check-up, hormone-wise to eliminate the imbalance thing (or even confirm it) but you two guys have to talk. The lump under the carpet is getting pretty high. Pretty soon it will turn into the elephant in the room......
Isis1808 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 This is so depressing. Your wife is taking care of YOUR child, which can be so emotionally and physically exhausting, and all you can think about is putting your d*** into someone else. Threads like these are what make me contemplate to never have children. Grow up and be a man, she already has one child to take care of, she doesn't need another one. And maybe you're not meeting her emotional needs, so she's not in the mood to have sex with you? I completely agree with all of this, i was in that same situation after i found out i was pregnant. Sometimes its a bit hard to have sex while your pregnant cause everything down there is soo swollen and extremely sensitive that it kind of hurts to do anything... then after you give birth the baby takes up most of your time and at the end of the day your so exhausted that all you can think of is sleeping then the baby wakes up. I also still have that problem cause my partner doesnt give me emotional comfort or support, the only time he comes to bed with me or hugs me is when he knows we're having sex or afterwards he snuggles with me otherwise i dont get that affection from him... Keep in mind that after one gives birth some women feel uncomfortable with themselves, how their body changed and how it hasnt gone back 100% to where it was before. As well as exhaustion if every type. Show her that you still love her and care about her no matter what and give her the affection and emotional support she craves. Talk about it to her but not like if its something of dire importance in the relationship (cause there are things that could be of more importance to her) but something that you need to address. Another thing, sometimes for first time mothers its a bit hard to switch from motherly women to sexy women from one min to the next so give her some time to adjust. Dont cheat on her please. Sorry the post was so long.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 There's a continuity in this thread: SHE wouldn't give me sex for about a year after she got pregnant. SHE won't let me help with the baby. The next episodes will be: SHE was mean to me so I found someone who will give me sex and I'M so happy. SHE found out and now the marriage is ruined and the family is broken. SHE's the reason why I cheated. I'm trying to figure out why YOU have no control over your own actions and life.
JamesM Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well, you have three choices..... 1) Live with your marriage as is. 2) Leave your marriage through divorce or an affair. 3) Fix your marriage. What do you really want? You obviously do not want to live with your marriage as is or you would not be here posting a thread. Do you want a divorce? If so, then think of the consequences...lost wife, broken family, less time with child and more. And what happens if she meets a guy who actually takes the time to discover why she is non-sexual? Then not only you have lost her, but you will see what could have been. Do you want an affair? Secret life, brief pleasure for life time of pain, and then see divorce. What if you fixed the marriage? Since you are reaching the end of your patience, let's say for the sake of argument that before an affair or divorce you try to find out what is wrong. There are a number of possibilities... 1) Did she have a difficult childbirth? Perhaps she does not want the pain of labor and delivery again. 2) Does she feel overwhelmed? Having sex may mean another baby to her. And, another baby means more work. 3) Why does she feel she needs to do everything herself? Does she not trust you? Does she feel the need to be the perfect mother? I wonder if this "another story" is really "THE story." 4) Her hormones have not balanced out yet. While she would be in the minority here, it is not out of the question. 5) Is she depressed? What did she give up to be a mother? Her career? Her friends? Her nights out with friends? Does she get out alone ever? 6) Perhaps while you feel she is not meeting your needs, she feels as if you are not meeting the needs of the family? How many hours a week do you work? How many hours a week do you spend with her? Do the two of you sit down and talk without having a baby present? Do you have date nights? Do you treat her as your sweetheart? 7) Why do you feel that marriage is about meeting your needs? And while some have said that you should expect certain things from marriage, the question becomes...what can you give to your marriage and family? Usually when we reach the point of resenting the lack of our needs being met, we have reached the point of not fulfilling her needs. My point is that since you have reached the end, then before ending things, be certain you have tried everything to fix the problems. And if you do not know the problem, then the first problem the two of you have is a lack of communication. Once you have reached the point where she can open up to you as a friend and not feel as if it will turn into an argument, then you can research the possible solutions. Some will say that you should not have to jump through hoops just to have sex. I agree. But if you want mutual and enjoyable lovemaking, then it behooves you to do everything possible to make her want to enjoy it with you. You could say "It isn't worth it." And then I say to go back and remember you wedding day. Would that groom say just run at the first sign of trouble, or would he say..."Do what you can, because SHE is worth it." Good luck...I speak as one who has been there and will at some point be there again. I speak as one who has felt as you do. I speak as one who has discovered that it IS worth the effort to change a marriage.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Sex is a vital part of a male's life. I don't blame the OP for thinking about interacting with other women. We all do it (males) from time to time. If my GF is being a complete bitch for a couple of days my eyes start to wonder around the room contemplating all the options on the table. I never act on these thoughts but they're there.
JamesM Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 You need to make sure she knows that you think sex is important. My guess is that she knows very well. The question is...does he know why she has no interest? And it appears he does not....or he is not listening to her response. If you let her know how you feel, and she doesn't care enough to take action. Just dump her. Don't waste your time with a woman who does not love you. Spoken as one who has not found the true love of his life. Here we are equating sex with love. Just because someone does not have interest in sex...this in no way means she does not love him. The assumption is...if she does not care to meet his needs, then she does not love him. Untrue. To her, she may feel that all he wants is sex...and not her love. She may think (rightly or wrongly) that he just wants a "hole." Also, don't let everyone tell you that you need to do x,y,z. If you need to jump through hoops to get sex once a month... she simply is not attracted to you. Totally untrue. She may simply have so many worries that sex is not a priority. And when he made his vow at his wedding, he did not say "Yes...as long as it doesn't get too difficult and as long as she meets MY needs." Do not make the mistake of spending one moment too long with a woman who rejects you like that. She just isnt worth it. First off, to you she is not worth it, because you did not marry her. Second, women are worth so much more than their sexuality. If sex was the only reason for marriage, then there is no reason to marry. Third, why is it a mistake to spend "one moment too long" with a woman who is the mother of his child? Why is it not worth taking some time to see if HER needs are being met? Marriage is much more than sex...even if sex happens every day.
me4u2 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 As a woman who has had 2 children both c-sections, I think no sex for a year is unacceptable. Period. I think you need to find out why she doesn't want or isn't interested in sex. I'm not talking about excuses either - I'm talking about cold hard facts. Is she really just not interested in you, in sex in general, does she truly have a hormone imblance from the pregnancy and birth, etc. Whatever it is, you need to figure it out and then offer to work on some solutions rather than have an affair.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Either honest communication is sadly, sadly lacking in this marriage or there's a lot that's not being said. The OP's posts are short and not very informative, beyond blaming his spouse for everything.
Trimmer Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 There's a continuity in this thread: SHE wouldn't give me sex for about a year after she got pregnant. SHE won't let me help with the baby. The next episodes will be: SHE was mean to me so I found someone who will give me sex and I'M so happy. SHE found out and now the marriage is ruined and the family is broken. SHE's the reason why I cheated. I'm trying to figure out why YOU have no control over your own actions and life. I once had a literature teacher who would make this motion with his hands - he would bring his fists together in front of his chest and then, with a grimace on his face, he would pull them outward, as if stretching a heavy spring. It was his way of saying you are stretching beyond reason to make your point. Setting aside your confident fortune-telling extension into the future of what "will be" (She's the reason why I cheated,) how in the world do you fault the OP for sharing with us that she won't let him share in the child-care responsibilities? I think that's an extremely relevant point, and how is he supposed to share it - as a simple and relevant fact - without you jumping on him as "blaming her..." In general, I agree, and I totally get, that pregnancy and childbirth are brutally difficult times on a woman, her body, and her psyche, and I agree that the OP could use some sensitivity to that, and that this marriage needs some serious, open, and respectful communication to figure out and heal whatever is going on. However, virtually everyone across the board, agrees that the first months of a newborn's life are exhausting: When your hormones are still in avolatile state, when you're tired and a baby takes up all your time, when all you can think of is routine - life is a bitch. Your wife is taking care of YOUR child, which can be so emotionally and physically exhausting... then after you give birth the baby takes up most of your time and at the end of the day your so exhausted that all you can think of is sleeping then the baby wakes up. But if we're harping on him about being a better communicator, I suggest we do the same, and really listen to what the OP is saying: she's not letting him share in the childcare responsibilities. In spite of everyone's desire to jump down the OP's throat for being sexually selfish and thoughtless, doesn't this at least raise a flag here? What new mother who is exhausted, tired, etc. wouldn't WELCOME help taking care of the baby? You're telling him that he needs to be sensitive to the fact that she's exhausted and overloaded with taking care of the baby - a point with which I agree - but the point is that he is trying, but she won't allow it... This certainly wasn't how it was when my kids were born - I was right in there helping, and anything I could do to take the load off my wife was accepted gladly. Do any of you other mothers have a similar experience of being exhausted, overwhelmed, etc. and yet refusing to accept any of your husband's help in caring for the new baby? Is it just me or does this sound weird?
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Trimmer, you're right, I don't know what's going to happen. But...he's following the cheater's script. It's always the betrayed spouse's fault, as to why the cheater chooses to take his/her course of action. If you can't see it, you're not reading carefully enough. Until he chooses to do something about it, instead of taking a victim's stance of SHE is at fault for my want to cheat, he's headed down that highway to hell!
clv0116 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Either honest communication is sadly, sadly lacking in this marriage or there's a lot that's not being said. The OP's posts are short and not very informative, beyond blaming his spouse for everything. Well at last I agree with you on something. Call it jumping down his throat but it sounds like he's trying to talk himself up to cheating and divorce. Maybe I'm way off base and maybe he just hasn't been clear, but that's the subtext I get. He needs to man up and explain the issue to her and clearly lay out what his expectations are WRT their continuing relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well at last I agree with you on something. Call it jumping down his throat but it sounds like he's trying to talk himself up to cheating and divorce. Maybe I'm way off base and maybe he just hasn't been clear, but that's the subtext I get. He needs to man up and explain the issue to her and clearly lay out what his expectations are WRT their continuing relationship. Haha...will wonders never cease! Totally. Get the issues on the table and if there's no hope of compromise, walk!
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I once......she's not letting him share in the childcare responsibilities. In spite of everyone's desire to jump down the OP's throat for being sexually selfish and thoughtless, doesn't this at least raise a flag here? Actually, I have to agree with this. I didn't address it specifically in my previous post, but I did point out that the OP's wife had to take some of the responsibility. But this issue had escaped me..... What new mother who is exhausted, tired, etc. wouldn't WELCOME help taking care of the baby? One who is either: A - so confident in herself as a mother, that she is arrogantly dismissive of anybody else's attempts to look after her baby as well as she can, or B- One who feels that if she lets anybody else help she is a complete failure as a mother and is incapable of dealing with the baby by herself because it's her job..... Maybe....? Do any of you other mothers have a similar experience of being exhausted, overwhelmed, etc. and yet refusing to accept any of your husband's help in caring for the new baby? Is it just me or does this sound weird? It sounds a lot more than weird. It sounds like a recipe for depression and disaster...... perhaps the OP might be able to objectively and dispassionately give us his opinion as to which of the two above rationales it is. Or it could be something else again.....
Trimmer Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Trimmer, you're right, I don't know what's going to happen. But...he's following the cheater's script. It's always the betrayed spouse's fault, as to why the cheater chooses to take his/her course of action. If you can't see it, you're not reading carefully enough. No, I do see it, but I still think you are insisting on reading TOO carefully. (but you can be "bad cop" and I'll be "good cop" for now... ) I think his brief posts so far (we agree on that) are ambiguous on the cheating point, and I would once again encourage the OP to expand more on what "Thinking of cheating" means. Do you mean that you are actually considering engaging in behavior outside your marriage as a possible way to satisfy your desires, or do you mean that you sometimes have thoughts of other women as sexually attractive, and you are wondering if these "thoughts of cheating" are normal or not? I don't think we can conclude one or the other from the OP's posts so far, but I think there is a huge difference between these two interpretations, as to whether you can conclude that he's on "the cheater's script." So, OP, people are making guesses, but you need to give us more detail - being brief is not necessary or desirable here - you need to fill us in on what your feelings are and what are your intentions going forward. And I'm still interested in hearing from other mothers as to whether you've ever felt exhausted, overwhelmed, etc. in caring for a newborn but then exacerbated the situation by refusing help with your child. I'm keeping an open mind, but is there any way this makes sense? Get the issues on the table and if there's no hope of compromise, walk! I agree, but given that they've willingly taken upon themselves the responsibility of raising a child together, I would insert: "Get the issues on the table, work your asses off as both spouses and parents to reach resolutions, and then if there's no hope, then walk. But know you can't walk away from being parents."
porter218 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 But if we're harping on him about being a better communicator, I suggest we do the same, and really listen to what the OP is saying: she's not letting him share in the childcare responsibilities. In spite of everyone's desire to jump down the OP's throat for being sexually selfish and thoughtless, doesn't this at least raise a flag here? What new mother who is exhausted, tired, etc. wouldn't WELCOME help taking care of the baby? You're telling him that he needs to be sensitive to the fact that she's exhausted and overloaded with taking care of the baby - a point with which I agree - but the point is that he is trying, but she won't allow it... Is it just me or does this sound weird? This is what piques my curiosity. I somewhat understand that after childbirth you don't want sex as much....but 1 year of no sex is just odd. Then add to that the fact the she is shutting him out of their child's care, red flags everywhere. I recently posted on another thread about a similar problem, but this one I am thinking is a completely different problem. I jumped down the other ones throat for his point of view, but I am just feeling very bad for this OP. Buu, you really need to ask your wife point blank 'what the heck is going on', she is 100% shutting you out of her life and your child's. It is time for some really honest communicating.
clv0116 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Haha...will wonders never cease! Totally. Get the issues on the table and if there's no hope of compromise, walk! Always remembering that compromise can also mean you have to suck it up and change. That is after all the nature of a true compromise.
Lizzie60 Posted January 20, 2009 Posted January 20, 2009 My question is are these thoughts normal behavior for going without for so long? Of course these thoughts are normal... any normal human being living with a partner and do not get sexually/emotionally connected... will have those thoughts.. If I were you.. I would have a 'very serious' talk with her.. You both need to determine what is going wrong.. if she is tired and feel motherhood is overwhelming.. then you both have to find a solution (ie help in the house, with the baby, etc.)... I would even go as far as telling her you had those thoughts.. maybe that will help... If nothing works.. then you need to make your own decisions.. but I have to warn you.. if you start cheating.. chances are you will never stop..
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