Drainpipe Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Hi everyone, I have a friend that I spend the last three years of high school with, and we got to be very good friends. However, as things happen, we finished high school and realised that we didn't really have all that much in common, and we just stuck together at school because we could. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he has told me he just worked up the courage to tell me that I change around this friend. She doesn't want a boyfriend, she is not as worldly as the rest of our group and her interests are COMPLETELY different to ours. When we hang out with our friends and she is there, I dumb myself down so she doesn't feel left out. Our group uses a lot of crude sexual humour, and never having wanted a boyfriend and not having much sexual experience, she doesn't get a heap of the jokes, so I pretend I don't get them either. People have told me that I change and become no fun around her, and I am in real danger of not being invited to parties/outings etc if this friend comes along because Im not the same person. I've seen it too, and I know that I do in fact change for the worse. The question is...what do I do? I know my friend from school has other friends that she can fall back onto, but I still don't want to cut her off instantly, I've thought about confronting her, but she doesn't deal with confrontation well. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
peach15 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Hm this is kind of tricky. I'll do my best and tell you what i think. You should definitely just be yourself at all times.. don't change for her. I think what you could do to make her more comfortable around your other friends is when she doesn't understand a joke or something, just explain it like its no big deal so she doesn't feel silly. Maybe you could also try just hanging out with her one on one more. I think you and your friends should accept her as she is though and if not you probably shouldnt be hanging out with her at all really. Hope this helps a little bit.
Author Drainpipe Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Hm this is kind of tricky. I'll do my best and tell you what i think. You should definitely just be yourself at all times.. don't change for her. I think what you could do to make her more comfortable around your other friends is when she doesn't understand a joke or something, just explain it like its no big deal so she doesn't feel silly. Maybe you could also try just hanging out with her one on one more. I think you and your friends should accept her as she is though and if not you probably shouldnt be hanging out with her at all really. Hope this helps a little bit. Believe me, i've tried explaining things to her, and I've tried to tell my other friends about it and to ask them to be more tolerant. As for explaining things, what usually happens is that someone will tell a joke, we'll all laugh, I'll explain it then everyone sorta just sits there in awkward silence, the moment being killed. As for hanging out one on one, well she's not really the type of person that likes to organise stuff, she usually just takes the invites. I'm usually the one organising things, so it doesn't look good when I invite her to do something and don't ask anyone else. I know that my friends should understand, but its still a difficult situation. I really need some more advice, I'm getting really desperate.
peach15 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Not sure what else to tell you really, but just make sure you be yourself, and try to make her feel as included as possible. If it's still too awkward for you, I would just not hang out with her around these friends as much anymore.
chardonnay Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I agree with peach15.. Do you value this friend? If so then accept her for how she is. And you can always do one on one things with friends, like catching up for a coffee, shopping etc. Surely your whole group doesn't have to be invited for everything you do?
gopher Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Hi everyone, I have a friend that I spend the last three years of high school with, and we got to be very good friends. However, as things happen, we finished high school and realised that we didn't really have all that much in common, and we just stuck together at school because we could. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he has told me he just worked up the courage to tell me that I change around this friend. She doesn't want a boyfriend, she is not as worldly as the rest of our group and her interests are COMPLETELY different to ours. When we hang out with our friends and she is there, I dumb myself down so she doesn't feel left out. Our group uses a lot of crude sexual humour, and never having wanted a boyfriend and not having much sexual experience, she doesn't get a heap of the jokes, so I pretend I don't get them either. People have told me that I change and become no fun around her, and I am in real danger of not being invited to parties/outings etc if this friend comes along because Im not the same person. I've seen it too, and I know that I do in fact change for the worse. The question is...what do I do? I know my friend from school has other friends that she can fall back onto, but I still don't want to cut her off instantly, I've thought about confronting her, but she doesn't deal with confrontation well. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. No offense, but using crude sexual humor doesn't make your group smarter than your friend. It equal to 10 year old boys telling fart jokes... If you truly don't have the same interests, than by all means let the friendship go. But, I wouldn't measure it using the gauge of what type of humor your group uses.
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