screwedup®retful Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Hey...I wanted to see if I could get some advice from everyone here. I had been in a relationship that begin about six months ago. The relationship itself has been amazing and I think that I have truly discovered my real soulmate here. We have both previously been married, but she has been divorced for a few years, whereas my divorce isn't even totally finaly yet. We both have children, as well. Well, our relationship had been fantastic, but periodically, I go through some grief stemming from things like missing my kids (my stbx has custody) or going through a holiday or celebration where my kids won't be with me. Well, around my birthday this year, I ended up withdrawing from the relatiopnship. It wasn't until after that I realized it was probably grief from not having my kids with me, but in the midst of the funk, I broke things off with her. Within a few days, I realized how STUPID I had been and I told her so. I asked her to please give us another chance and had the opportunity to talk with her. We both knew how much we loved each other, but she told me that my having hurt her was a big deal to her. She told me if it ever happened again, it would be over and I promised I wouldn't. Over the course of the following months, things were excellent and we grew closer and closer, made lots of plans and our relationship just continued to blossom. When the holidays struck, so did another withdrawal from me, though. This time, I went into a deeper funk and stayed that way for about 10 days. I didn't call or text or anything. We had zero contact. When I came out of the funk, I realized that I had probably ruined things forever, but that didn't stop me from trying. I sent her a letter, then tried to call. In response, she had one of her close friends call me and tell me to leave her alone that she was moving on with her life without me. I'm at a loss. We truly have an amazing connection and while I am not bombarding her with contact (I have only attempted to contact her once in the last 7 days without a response), I seem to be getting no where fast. I believe she knows that we are ideal together, but probably is worried about whether or not I'm going to withdraw again. I don't think I would, as I have really sorted out a lot of stuff with my therapist and feel very, very strong, but I really want us to put our relationship back together. She won't speak to me at all, though, and I know that she loves and misses me. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I should do? Should I just leave her alone and hope she comes around or should I fight for this incredible relationship that we had (ironically, we NEVER had a fight that was significant, agreed on values, had friends & family that said we were perfect together, etc. and even talked about getting married not to far into the future). This really was the perfect relationship in my mind and I am having difficulty thinking that my holiday depression could be the contributor to it's end. Any advice would be great.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 You sound like you know what's up. What can we do though? Whether she comes back or not is up to her. Nothing we can do. You do sound like you are intelligent and know what you did wrong now. That's about all anyone can say here.
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Instead of worrying about her, you need to address the issues you have with regard to your children and holidays, etc. There's no point looking at the eggs you broke, and asking the chef what happened.
nature Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I agree with Geisha. Give her some space for a bit. The holidays were only a few weeks ago. I do not believe that you have "fixed" your way of coping with difficulties, and your ex girlfriend probably doesn't believe it either. Withdrawing and ignoring her because you had problems was your way of coping. But it hurt her terribly. Being shut out probably hurts more than anything else. I'd rather someone be angry at me than shut me out. They say ignoring someone is a form of emotional abuse, and i'd agree. It stings to the core. So because you did it to her twice in 6 months, she is very hurt. And probably doesn't feel like she even wants to open that can of worms again. I don't believe you have fixed your coping mechanisms in only a few short weeks following the holidays. And I assume your ex doens't believe it either. give her some space to cool off. In a month, perhaps write her a letter telling her you continue in therapy, and you will continue in it, because you know you have deeply engrained habits in your way of coping. Habits that are not healthy. Not healthy when trying to have a relationship. I've never understood that withdrawal from someone you love. I had an ex who did it to me. I took it personally. I just didn't understand it. It hurt so bad. Do you even understand it?
Author screwedup®retful Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Yes, I understand it now, but I didn't before. The withdrawal comes from fear...in a lotta psychobabble...fear of being hurt, fear of hurting, fear of being rejected. In reality, its a self fulfilling prophecy because withdrawing leads to all of those things the one who is withdrawing is afraid of. So, it's only when you realize, afterwards, what you did, that you can disect it and change the behavior going forward. I won't say that I'm done with that process, but I am on my way and, if for no one else but myself, I am heading in the right direction. ...but, yes, I did hurt a person that I love deeply through this process of learning and I am just hopeful that, in the end, we will be able to work things out and that she will, in time, speak to me again and give me another chance.
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