hcs20 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 okay it all started about 5 months ago i moved out of state to be with my husband who is in the military, he was a jerk and never showed me any attention. I ( out of hate of pure lonlieness) cheated on him, it was a one time thing and i couldnt even finish the deed i stopped in the middle because i realized how big of a mistake i was making. Well i sat my hubby down at the time and talked to him about his attitude and he said he would change but he didnt , he still was a jerk and getting worste, he still didnt know about the affair though. I felt as though i could let him treat me anyway he wanted because i cheated, but then i became pregnant, and i am almost 100% sure its my hubby because we have been trying. one day a little bit ago i decided to tell him what had happened, i didnt want to lie anymore, he obviously took it hard but decided that we can try to work through this. The problem is that he is a bigger jerk than ever, he treats me like crap he wont even look at me all day, but whenever it comes to bed time all he wants to do is have sex, and not like love making, like just sex. i know i deserve this, i just dont know how much longer i can deal with it, and whenever i ask him not to be so mean to me he tells me that this is what i get!!Is he wrong or is it just me??? plz help
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Get some professional help. See if the military will help you. I assume you have no further contact with the OM. It would be smart to get a paternity test as part of the process. I'd say, if you both want to work on the M, it'll take a few years to see things improve. Neither of you are "wrong". You both are expressing your pain in unhealthy ways. Counseling can help you with that. If your H is still pursuing sex with you, at least he's still engaged. If he lost his love, he'd be going elsewhere. That's something. What do you want to do? What's the first step for you? When is your baby due? One further thought, given your H's response to you moving to be with him..... Is it possible he was being unfaithful? Likely?
Author hcs20 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 we will not need to get a paternity test because my H is asain and the other guy is white, we have been saying that we need counseling for a long time and he is just so against it... after that one time i never talked to the guy again, and it has never crossed my mind before or after, i want this relationship to last, we have a 2 year old and have been together for almost 5 years but i just dont know, he tells me he is not going to leave me because of it but i still worry that one day he just wont come home from work. The baby is due end of april, and on him being unfaithful well i have always had my suspicions and so have my friends but i just keep telling myself that its because i am kinda hoping he has cheated because then i wouldnt be the only one who has made a mistake.
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 What a fookieng mess. How can two people raising kids be so dumb? I despair for the next generation, I really do. WE constantly complain about the youth of today but with the examples we give them, is it surprising they're growing up with no boundaries, no communications skills and emotionally stunted? Jeesh.....! I - as carhill has done - suggest you go to the military and explain your relationship is in deep She-ite. See what they can offer in support and assistance. Then go from there.
Bryanp Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I hope that you have been checked for STD's. Why didn't you at least use protection?
carhill Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 OP, if you are ethnic Asian, it is very possible that your child will appear outwardly to be of Asian decent, even if the father is Caucasian. I would not rely on physicality as a determiner. Also, my suggestion was more to facilitate healing, in that it would conclusively determine your H to be the biological father. There would be no doubt. My understanding is that the military takes a dim view of and will take action regarding infidelity of its members. That could be a factor if your H has indeed been unfaithful and it can be verified/substantiated. Further, the VA has resources which can help you as a dependent spouse. You'll have to research that. Currently, about all you can do is provide verifiable disclosure of your current contacts and actions and work to remain healthy for the welfare of your baby. If this means separating from your H, then that's what you have to do. If/when your H is ready for MC, that would be my preference. However, IC might help you work through some of your issues and give you a better perspective of how to deal with your H and M. Remember, time reveals all truths. Best wishes for a healthy outcome for you and baby
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Can you get him on here so we could discuss it? but not on the same thread.
clv0116 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 .... couldnt even finish the deed i stopped in the middle .... i am almost 100% sure its my hubby because we have been trying. I'm curious how you could be pregnant if you didn't finish? Call me crazy but inquiring minds need to know.
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 She stopped in the "middle" with the other man, not her husband, but appears to be unaware that, if no birth control was utilized, his pre-ejaculate could impregnate her. If the incident ties fairly closely to the timeline of her pregnancy, it might be a tossup.
LakesideDream Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 It seems that your greatest fear is that your husband is "checking out" of the marriage, becoming emotionally distant. That is a reasonable fear. On of the easiest symptoms to spot when a spouse (particularly men) is "checking out" is their style of "lovemaking". When intimacy becomes "just sex" consistantly, it's a sign of emotional ambivilance. Often when one partner cheats and the other decides to "forgive" they are not able to. Lingering anger lives and sometimes builds. Your fear that he may "just not come home" someday is real, and well founded. It happens more than most realize. Like Carhill, and others I suggest MC. You may want to try to do this privately as the military has a bad habit of keeping track of those things and factoring them into a servicemans history, sometimes affecting advancement. You should also have that paternity done soon after the child is born. Frankly it is unfair to your husband to leave the doubt of paternity in his mind. For many the uncertainty alone becomes the deal breaker. Good luck, you have a long and difficult road to travel.
Geishawhelk Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 . .....it might be a tossup. In more ways than one.
Author hcs20 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 we will have a paternity test done and i know that it could well be a toss up... i know that prejaculation can cause pregnancy , in my situation i was only begining and i mena literally it was no more than a min and a half and i freaked out started crying and made him leave. i know i was well into the wrong for trying to get back at him for being mean, and i know that it will take a long time to heal, i just thought that it would be better if i told him and we could work on the things we were both doing wrong so that way our M would never be that bad again, but all he is doing is being even worst than before. my friends told me i should never had told him and now i kind of wish i hadnt.
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Your honesty will benefit you down the road, especially in counseling. Improvement and change take sincere commitment based upon honest communication of each other's perspective. If you both want your M to work, you can do it. If it doesn't work out, you'll at least have the solace in knowing you gave it all of yourself and can look forward with confidence in who you are. Our military (active and retired) members understand that dynamic real well and I would listen carefully to their experiences and advice. They know the path you and your H walk. Please update us with any future events
clv0116 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 For me the fact that you're still trying to dissemble by shifting blame onto your husband is pretty telling. You need to really take responsibility for your disgusting behavior before you can expect him to start coping with it.
Author hcs20 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 i do take full responsibility for my actions, my H didnt tell me to go find some random guy and sleep with him, that was me and i as an adult am trying to do what is right for my H. I love him i made one really big mistake, i told him that it was my fault for letting 2 min almost ruin our 5 year relationship. I just dont understand how i could mess up so bad, and all i kept telling myself is that it was one time and i was not like those other wifes that have affairs for months or just have multiple one night stands, but i am just as bad as them because i broke a sacred vow. I just want to make this work... i know i deserve ever bit of this, it just kills me that 2 weeks ago when he didnt know he would hold my hands and touch me in public, now we are like strangers until we get to bed and then he is comfortable enough to hold me.
clv0116 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 i do take full responsibility for my actions .... OK, now seriously, I have experience here .... you need to really mean it and when you do mean it you will stop saying things like this: .... my husband who is in the military, he was a jerk and never showed me any attention. Just stop thinking that way. You made a huge mistake and the sooner you really take that on the better you will both be.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Why he might not want to touch you in public is because he doesn't know if this other guy told anyone about his wife. So he doesn't want to attract any eyes that may know about you and the other guy. In other word he doesn't know who knows. What you did to him is called cuckolding. It is where a wife sleeps with other men and the husband doesn't know. The only thing worse is a cuckold who knows and is afraid that his wife will be mad at him and leave him if he makes a big deal about it. He might just be really depressed. Why he has so much sex with you is because he is afraid of losing you. It is called hysterical bonding. How a man knows every thing is right between him and his wife is by having sex with her. That is why after a fight men want to have sex to re-bond with them. Where as with wives, sex is the last thing on their mind after a fight. If he is forgiving you he could be acting this way because he doesn't trust that you won't leave him for this other guy. And you might say you won't but how does he know? What happens when he gets deployed again? Will you be there when he gets back? Just how much should he open his heart to you, when you could just as easily rip it out and eat it. That's why he is tentative about showing affection with you. He is protecting himself.......from you. I hope you can reconcile. have you written him a letter on how you feel about what you've done. I guess I can identify with your husband. Because my daughters fiance is a marine, who's wife cheated on him (after they just got married). He divorced her as soon as he got back. He is a great guy. Has your husband spoken with the chaplain or got any counseling. They are very well versed in adultery because it happens so often in the military.
Recommended Posts