takemeaway Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Yes...I am aware that this is a recipe for disaster I'm a college student and I've become interested with a graduate student who TA'ed a class of mine last year. He's very smart, very handsome man. We'd spend a lot of time together talking, sometimes I'd be the only one in the office for hours and hours, but I thought, well...its his job to talk to me. However, after the term ended, we started emailing, every single day, for a month. He sends me messages telling me what he did in his day, we talk about life etc. So i thought, wow, he DOES like me, this is crazy! He really doesn't seem like the type of person to open up to a lot of people. Until all of a sudden, he mentions he's been seeing somebody for a year. Hasn't used the word "girlfriend" even once, just "seeing somebody". And I got really confused because he'd never mentioned her before. Now he talks to me about how their relationship is on the rocks and they are probably going to break up and stuff like that, and just...keeps freakin' talking to me! The other day I asked if we were ever going to hang out, and he said I could hang out with him whenever I wanted. So last night, he hinted he was going to a movie, and I asked if that was an invitiation to a movie or he was just telling me, and he said it was sort of an invitation, but that his former position teaching me makes it problematic. I said that if it makes him uncomfortable we shouldn't do it, but that I didn't mind...I mean, its not like hes an actual professor or something. So then he decides right after inviting me that its not a good idea to be seen in public with me, and that he'd rather just talk to me online because its safer. So obviously, nobody wants to hear that, I mean...it sounds really insulting. However, i do understand from his perspective that he's still not single, and he's also in a position where it might be a little unethical. However, I definitely know TA's who have at least been FRIENDS with students, and we obviously ARE already friends if we talk all the time,. I told him that I was glad that we'd established what our relationship was going to entail...talking online and never actually hanging out, (but why did he tell me a few days before I could hang out with him!?!) and he said he'd like to hang out with me, but he's "paranoid" about it. The whole time we've talked he has seemed a little conflicted about whether its okay for him to talk to me, but I never know whether its the age difference, his relationship status, his position at the school, none of which have kept him from talking to me at all :-P lol so....basically my question is: am I a dirty little secret...or...am I an online therapist/pen-pal...or...does he just not know what on earth he wants from me right now and thats why he keeps changing his mind? Would somebody get that freaked out about being seen in public with somebody if they just wanted friendship? Is the whole thing about his position just an excuse? Who invites somebody somewhere and then tells them they can't come?!? lol And just so you all don't think I'm a total doormat for allowing this situation to occur, I told him that he should go figure out his life, and what he wants, and then let me know. Why can't I just like some dumb frat boy my own age?
prncssfce9 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Because nobody should like dumb frat boys darling! lol from what it sounds like ... he is in fact conflicted. It seems like he likes you, but given the girlfriend and the TA thing he is a little hesitant. it could be that there is a clause in his TA agreement about fraternization and if he was caught he could lose him position. he is being overly cautious bc his career goals are likely very important to him, which by the way is a very good sign that you found a decent guy. but don;t think he is taking advantage of you, i truly don't think he is. it could be he doesn't want to start something until he is officially available, and maybe he would be more comfortable having a little bit of clearance from the department at the school. just talk to him about it ... rationally if possible. i know if i were you i would be tempted to get a little overly frustrated and emotional ... try not to encourage him to inquire about fraternization policies, he could be in the clear bc he is NO LONGER your teacher, but you never know. just hang in there!
AlektraClementine Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I think the only thing he's conflicted about is his relationship status. Doesn't want to be seen in public with you? Barf. He's full of it in my opinion. Why would you want somebody who would do that to his girlfriend? Oh and btw, people who talk poorly about their relationships to strangers are doing that in the hopes of eventually getting a sympathy lay. How would you feel if your boyfriend was speaking to other women about how your relationship was on the rocks. That would suck. You sound like you've responded in a good way though. By telling him that he needs to go figure out his life. Now. Either he will in fact go figure out his life and then come back to you once he's sorted it out or he'll just go find some poor girl with low self esteem who'll buy into his BS.
likestolaugh Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Well I'll add my 2cents since I'm a TA currently trying to establish a dating relationship with a student that I TA'd for last year. If he's not your TA anymore then there's no ethical issue. Most TA's are pretty close to your age anyway, so it's not like an actualy prof doing this. I mean yeah, at one time you had a "business" relationship... but that's long gone. You said you're "friends" now... well. I think you should just put him on the spot and get him to tell you what the hell he's doing exactly. just my 2 cents..
EYECANDY000 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I hope yyour not looking for anything serious with this guy, because it doesnt really sound like hes interested. (1) I Dont think you are his dirty little secret because , yes, he is confiding in you but he may just want someone to talk to .(2) It doesnt seem like he has came on to you in a flirty kind of way. (3) Can you blame him about wanting to over step his boundary with going out with someone if he is still in a relationship. He stated that "its on the rocks" not they have completely broken up. If you want to be him pen pal and listen to him and his girlfriend' have fun because thats all I see coming from this.
Trialbyfire Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Ask yourself why you would be willing to pursue a man who's supposedly previously committed. Your instincts should have been screaming at you, when he never admitted to dating anyone else for a long time. Your feet should have taken you away in a DEAD RUN, when he said he didn't want to be seen in public with you. Don't get involved with a guy who's potentially rebounding and blatantly stepping over the line of relationship boundaries. It's time to listen to your self-preservation instincts.
BubblyPopcorn Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Emailing each other every day, spending hours together and him not mentioning his gf at any point during that time is wrong IMO. Whether or not he refers to her as his "gf" is besides the point. And it's wrong on your part now knowing about her, for you to pursue anything further with him. There is nothing wrong with corresponding as friends, I have male friends I correspond with just like anyone else but with them it's established from the onset that there is no romantic interest or dating interest. The ones I am in regular contact with, know who I am dating and vice versa and we’ll talk and give each other advice like any other friend would do. One person who I was friends with seemingly waited until I was in a very vulnerable position before making his intentions known and I didn't realize it at the time what those intentions were, but once I did, our friendship had to end. You have to be very careful with your dealings under certain circumstances and if you are naturally friendly especially. So try to resolve it as best you can and don’t get romantically involved with someone you know is taken.
Author takemeaway Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Ask yourself why you would be willing to pursue a man who's supposedly previously committed. Your instincts should have been screaming at you, when he never admitted to dating anyone else for a long time. Your feet should have taken you away in a DEAD RUN, when he said he didn't want to be seen in public with you. Don't get involved with a guy who's potentially rebounding and blatantly stepping over the line of relationship boundaries. It's time to listen to your self-preservation instincts. thank you for that. I know you're right...it was jsut hard cause we were talking for a few months before I found out about her, and then he immediately started in about things were bad and over with her...so I was like...maybe I just wait? SIGH. btw I love your "dont get on the drama rollercoaster" thing. Thats so true
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