socialight Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 i am entering into a LDR with a girl in her mid 20's. We have seen each other twice, and the third time is coming up. The relationship is intimate. At what point do you starting laying ground rules, etc, and talk about formally enter "relationship status" w/o appearing needy or clingy. Would appreciate all input. THanks
likestolaugh Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 not quite yet... at least in my experience. SO that said, it'll be different for everyone. But yeah, after a couple more encounters if it's already very intimate...
movingonandon Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 at this point it is WAAAY too early to have any "talk" other than "I obviously like you a lot and would like to keep seeing you, while not seeing other people (and obviously I'd be happy if you feel the same way)". Or something along those lines....
Author socialight Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 but isn't that essentially "the talk"? clarification that you are going to be exclusive?
LovieDove24 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Sociallight I agree. What movingonandon suggested is referring to being exclusive. The minute you both say you don't want to see other people, you are exclusive. I do agree with movingonandon though that it is much too soon. There is no "right" time for everyone, only a right time for the two of you. If it feels forced its too soon. Don't just have the talk to rush things...do it because you truly feel in your heart its what you want.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I think you shouldnt make the talk seem dreradful. Just go over what you like and dislike, things that make you tick, etc.... Basically The talk shouldnt leave an icky taste in your mouth.
Author socialight Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 but that's the gamble lovie. the minute you spout out that you want to be exclusive and the other person's resonse is "ugh, hmm.." etc you are screwed.
hollylove24 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 I wouldn't base anything on the number of times that you've seen each other...base it on the way you view the relationship and what you want. Do your conversations with her give you the impression that she is interested in a relationship with you? Is that what you really want-or are you more concerned about doing what's "right"?
Author socialight Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 a serious relationship is what I want. I don't know what she wants. I know that if she isn't sure yet about a serious relationship and I start talking about one the odds of her wanting one plummet. On the other hand, i sure has hell don't want to waste energy, time and money on a pretty girl from out of town who is just using me for a good time every few weekends.
Touche Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well if that's what you're looking for then in my opinion, you shouldn't have slept with her so soon. I mean that in itself doesn't mean that she's not looking for anything more serious but you would have been in a better position to know this if you had waited before having sex. But to answer your question, what's so wrong with coming right out and asking her? Like this: "Hey (insert name) I've been having a lot of fun with you. I really enjoy your company. I was wondering how you see us. Is this just a fling for you now or do you think we might have something more serious here? What do you think?" And then just wait and listen to what she says. You should have your answer.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 socialight, my current guy expressed a desire for exclusivity at around the two week mark. I agreed completely! If someone is really interested in you, they won't hesitate. If they do, they're not all in and I don't mean a lifelong commitment. It just means that they're definitely interested and emotionally available.
hollylove24 Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 a serious relationship is what I want. I don't know what she wants. I know that if she isn't sure yet about a serious relationship and I start talking about one the odds of her wanting one plummet. On the other hand, i sure has hell don't want to waste energy, time and money on a pretty girl from out of town who is just using me for a good time every few weekends. It sounds to me like you answered the question for yourself...you know what you want and don't want to waste your time if she's not looking for the same things-or at least considering it-so I think you should just be honest with her.
Author socialight Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 thank you all for your advice!
mclovin Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 Sociallight: It DOES NOT appear "needy" or "clingy" to communicate to a woman your interest in becoming exclusive. I know it's difficult, but just ask at the right momment. To be brutally honest with you, if this is the right person for you, you should not feel any hesitations that are enough to hold you back or question how your motives appear. Although it is normal to have some insecurities, sometimes you just gotta take the ball and run with it-then let things fall into place naturally.
mclovin Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 btw...how old are you? have you had long-term relationship(s) before?
BCCA Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 The relationship is intimate My personal opinion is once you start sleeping with me, I dont want you sleeping with other people. I would have brought up being exclusive even if you dont want to label the relationship. Sorry, but I dont want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people or can at any time.
saturnsfall Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 My personal opinion is once you start sleeping with me, I dont want you sleeping with other people. I would have brought up being exclusive even if you dont want to label the relationship. Sorry, but I dont want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people or can at any time. I agree with BCCA, and it's refreshing to hear you say that BCCA. However, bringing up a topic such as "relationships" can be risky. I currently did this with a friend of mine. We are both very much into one another; however, I feel there is a strain on our friendship now because neither of us want an "exclusive" relationship; however knowing neither of us will jump into bed with another person is great, and that is why I brought it up with him. Maybe you should wait a little bit longer. I know you feel you need to know now, and a sense of immediacy, but what will waiting make you lose? You may in turn lose her. Is that worth it? Wouldn't you wish you had waited a bit longer?
burningashes Posted February 21, 2009 Posted February 21, 2009 TOF's advice is great- you can just ask her straight up if you're not keen on wasting your time. Even if you think it's too soon to ask her to be exclusive with you, you could let her know that you want to be in a casual monogamous relationship with her due to health reasons and so on. Before my bf asked me out, we agreed to only being intimate with one another even if we weren't officially dating yet. It took a huge burden off our shoulders, we didn't have to worry about having to be exclusive in order to be faithfully intimate with each other. This led up to him finally asking me to be in an exclusive relationship with him You could try this!
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