IcemanJB Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 A few of you know my situation in greater detail, but I'll try to sum it up as quickly as possible. My ex and I met through my sister over a year ago. At the time, my ex broke up a few months prior with her previous boyfriend from back home. Keep in mind my sister (with whom I'm very close) is also close friends with my ex - in fact, they're living together next year. Ex and I went on a few dates and talked frequently from the time we met up until the summer. I kept my distance for several months not wanting to be the rebound - and I know that was the right move. Finally things advanced and we were "official" in the summer. Never been happier - neither had she. We were together a lot, and never fought or got sick of each other. NO ONE saw us as a couple before this as we are from completely different backgrounds. I grew up in a tiny Wisconsin town, coming from a very German background. She grew up close to downtown Chicago with half Mexican roots. But oddly we have very simliar interests and views on life. She's kind of quirky - she can be very awkward (which I find cute), took her several weeks not to be really nervous around me, and doesn't like any sort of compliment about herself; I'm starting to realize this probably isn't a good thing. With that said, she's still the smartest, funniest, best looking girl I've ever dated. The breakup was COMPLETELY unexpected. The night of the breakup she just cried and couldn't really tell me why she was breaking up with me. I was frustrated, scared and confused and kicked her out without getting answers. That weekend in October was my sister's birthday, but I couldn't go to her party because I knew my ex would be there - turns out my ex didn't go for the same reason. I called her over the next week because I wanted answers - she THANKED me for even saying something to her. She claims she waited 15 minutes outside my house trying to calm down because she was so nervous, before she came in to talk. Still took her 30 minutes to calm down, and we talked for 4 hours. Again, she cried most of the time and really couldn't say why she was breaking up with me, all she really said was "I want to be with you so bad." CONFUSING! I didn't kick her out right away because I know how self-conscious she is, and my roommates were in the living room and I didn't want them to see her like that. I walked with her back to her apartment building; and THAT was probably the saddest night of my life. I was hurting BAD for the next couple weeks. I tried to just accept that she's young (20 in a monthish) and confused, and kept my contact with her to a minimum - she always initiated. In fact, we ran into each other one night at a bar downtown. I ignored her for the first half hour, then as I was leaving I told her it was nice to see her and I left - she looked really nervous and couldn't even look me in the eyes. I got a text 3 minutes later saying she wanted to talk - and I STUPIDLY went back and we talked for about an hour outside the bar. This was a month after the breakup, and we both clearly were not over it. She texted me a couple more times that weekend, and I finally lost it (in a computer lab working on a school project...lol). I sent her an email telling her to leave me alone until I contact her first. She replied saying she totally understands, she feels awful, blah blah and a few other things. This was 2 months ago, and luckily she respects me enough to leave me alone. So I'm at about 2 months NC as of today. As far as I know, she isn't seeing anyone right now. My sister randomly asked me yesterday "do you still have feelings for her?". I just replied "let's not talk about that." - which means I do a little bit still. All my sister said was "trust me, you dodged a bullet with her"; I not sure exactly what the hell that means, but I didn't feel like talking about it. Probably just little sis trying to help me. Anyways, after my sister said that, it was the best I've felt since before the breakup! Part of me believes what she said; that basically I don't deserve the rollercoaster my ex has put me through. But part of me wants to be friends with her because of the connection we have - and she admittedly doesn't have many down-to-earth friends from back home; lots of drama queens/kings though. She thinks very highly of my sister, and I kind of want to be a part of that. So it comes down to some questions. Does she deserve to be my friend? I still have feelings for her, but I don't think I would date her right now unless she proved she wouldn't pull any of that **** again. I've had family friends die and not felt as bad as I did after this breakup - I'm doing MUCH better though; really moving on with my life (just got hired for a full-time position and I don't even graduate until May!). I'm really putting a lot of thought into this, trying to see if I could handle just being her friend. As of now it would bug me if I found out she was in a relationship; but not as much as before. Over the weekend I had dinner with a different ex of mine, but it was perfect because I have no feelings for her; it was great just to talk and not expect anything. I'm now wrestling with whether I can do this with the currect ex or not...and can she handle being friends? I'm thinking about asking her to meet me for coffee or something, just to talk. She's always respected my requests to meet up, so I'm not worried about that. What would you guys say? If this is a horrible idea, say so, lol. Hopefully it is not just me being self-righteous trying to be her friend, and not end up with me being crushed. Let's say hypothetically I'm fine with just being her friend. How do I tell if she can do the same? She said during the breakup she couldn't be my friend at the time... Thanks for bearing with my rambling...I'd just like to add that I would not have done a single thing differently in this relationship and breakup. I don't think I came off as desperate, and was a great boyfriend and not clingy to her during the relationship (without patting myself on the back too much ). Considering that she broke up with ME, I still came off looking like the stronger, more mature one in the way that I handled it - even with the strongest feelings I've ever had for a girl. I've embraced this fact and it's helped me move on quite a bit.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Horrible idea. Straight up. No if and's or buts. No maybes, no possiblies. Straight up, horrible idea. That's that, the end.
Dmoney28 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 2 months of NC..you are a pro now. The question is..do you really want to be her friend. Or do you have that left over feelings for her? If you meet up for coffee, you risk losing that 2 months progress of NC. Now we both know you want more than friends with this young lady. So i suggest taking ALOT of time to really think what you want, and what you are willing to go through...again. But 2 months is really good bro. And grats on your new job. I'm a week NC, suggested by her. Says she needs time, blah blah blah.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Translation: Dmoney's post is the long version of mine.
Author IcemanJB Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks guys - I was actually counting on you two to respond. Dmoney knows my story pretty well, and Tom tells it straight up with no sweetener added. I'm definitely going to think it over for awhile; I'm going to watch the football games with my friend and bounce the idea off him as well.
saturnsfall Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I've read your threads from the beginning. She does not deserve any form of association with you. Let it go. You're better than this. Bad idea. Horrible idea.
Author IcemanJB Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 On my iPhone so I'm gonna make this short...you guys are all right. She doesn't deserve to hear from me. It was a horrible idea! Ok back to beer and football...
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Good my friend... glad to hear you regained your head. I got your back.
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