I hate the cycles of pain!!

[mendsley]

I have been doing good for the last 2 -3 weeks and all of a sudden, as of yesterday, I feel like I did when this crap first happened to me. The night before last I had a dream about her, the kids and our home town and I woke up in a bad mood and feeling like I should break NC and call her, but I did'nt.

 

Well this morning I woke up and it was even worse, I thought about things we have done, the way she makes me feel, how much I still love her, the outings us and the kids would go and do. So I thought I would talk to my freinds here before breaking NC.

 

I have been reading alot of postings this morning and it helps me but it also raises a few questions.

 

1. I know NC is good for myself to heal when the relationship is all lost but, is NC good for us when one of us is trying to work on building back a realtionship?

 

2. I want to do what is best for my son and 2 step children. I live 10 hours away from them and it is hard for me because I feel like I am not there as a father. I do call almost everyday and provide anything they need, but the only thing I feel is missing is me taking them places, shooting guns, pizza, paintball, building skateboard ramp and other things that I feel are important for bonding. If I did move down to be closer I would be losing out on a really good paying job. I am sure I could find another job but just don't know.

 

I know I need to be strong and not show any weakness, but it is very hard.

[climbergirl]

I am so sorry that you are hurting.

 

I don't have much advice but to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better.

 

Forget her for the time being and just think about what you need...and everything will fall into place.

[NYCmitch25]

I have been doing good for the last 2 -3 weeks and all of a sudden, as of yesterday, I feel like I did when this crap first happened to me. The night before last I had a dream about her, the kids and our home town and I woke up in a bad mood and feeling like I should break NC and call her, but I did'nt.

 

Well this morning I woke up and it was even worse, I thought about things we have done, the way she makes me feel, how much I still love her, the outings us and the kids would go and do. So I thought I would talk to my freinds here before breaking NC.

 

I have been reading alot of postings this morning and it helps me but it also raises a few questions.

 

1. I know NC is good for myself to heal when the relationship is all lost but, is NC good for us when one of us is trying to work on building back a realtionship?

 

2. I want to do what is best for my son and 2 step children. I live 10 hours away from them and it is hard for me because I feel like I am not there as a father. I do call almost everyday and provide anything they need, but the only thing I feel is missing is me taking them places, shooting guns, pizza, paintball, building skateboard ramp and other things that I feel are important for bonding. If I did move down to be closer I would be losing out on a really good paying job. I am sure I could find another job but just don't know.

 

I know I need to be strong and not show any weakness, but it is very hard.

 

I guess it's always assumed that the author of the thread is the good guy but the best advise should probably make no such assumptions. I don't know your situation but it seems like things have deteroriated to the point that contact seems out of the question. Currently just because you can't live in such "pain" doesn't mean you've really done anything to heal anything. I see this as largely a selfish act, that you want her so YOU want to continue to harass her about seeing her until she relents ?

 

If you are serious about setting a positive example for your kids, start here - do the responsible and thoughtful things which will show you are serious about healing.

[mendsley]

Thanks for the replies, I guess this is something that goes along with a failed marrige. I have to say I have been thru many things in my life and it is amazing how another person can cause so much pain and bring a grown man to his knees. I feel very weak minded, how I can come so dependant to another person even if that person no longer loves you and the sad thing is I know she no longer loves me and I still wait for the day that she will come back.

 

I will get thru this but you are very correct when you say I am being selfish, I guess that will be my first goal will be to do as she requests and think what will be best for HER not ME. Thanks -

[mendsley]

I have been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why I cannot be happy with myself and I came accross this that I thought was interesting on http://www.codependents.org;

 

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

 

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."

I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

 

Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

I accept sex when I want love.

 

Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

 

 

When I look at this I can see my-self all over those things especially LOW SELF-ESTEEM and COMPLIANCE PATTERNS. So I guess if I recognize the problem there is a way to work on fixing it. I am sure some of you have seem this chart but I did'nt and I hope it can help some one to maybe recognize a problem

[Athalanthas]

I have been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and why I cannot be happy with myself and I came accross this that I thought was interesting on http://www.codependents.org;

 

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

 

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."

I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

 

Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

I accept sex when I want love.

 

Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

 

 

When I look at this I can see my-self all over those things especially LOW SELF-ESTEEM and COMPLIANCE PATTERNS. So I guess if I recognize the problem there is a way to work on fixing it. I am sure some of you have seem this chart but I did'nt and I hope it can help some one to maybe recognize a problem

 

I really saw myself here. Thanks for sharing.... You know what's so funny though? It is so hard to take the first step in fixing the problem.

[TrustInYourself]

NC is a tool for the broken. If you are whole, you should be able to win her back without fear of loss or gain.

[mendsley]

NC is a tool for the broken. If you are whole, you should be able to win her back without fear of loss or gain.

 

I like what you are saying here TrustInYourself , could you explain a little more about the broken? Broken relationships or personal well being? I do agree, and I am trying to get to the point where I don't have this fear of never getting back with her.

 

I have read countless times where once you have choosen to move on and forget about the spouse, they seem to do a 180 and then start approaching you! I know if you use that as a tactic, and not a true meaning, to win back the one you love than that would eventually lead to failure and it would be a short relief.

 

I think the correct approach would be, to be honost with yourself and accept that moving on with your life to find happiness would have to be letting the other person go. Well I have done allot of thinking and I think I need to find ways to forget her, if I really think about it she is not really worth all the depression. I love her but, I need to love myself more

[TrustInYourself]

I like what you are saying here TrustInYourself , could you explain a little more about the broken? Broken relationships or personal well being? I do agree, and I am trying to get to the point where I don't have this fear of never getting back with her.

 

I have read countless times where once you have choosen to move on and forget about the spouse, they seem to do a 180 and then start approaching you! I know if you use that as a tactic, and not a true meaning, to win back the one you love than that would eventually lead to failure and it would be a short relief.

 

I think the correct approach would be, to be honost with yourself and accept that moving on with your life to find happiness would have to be letting the other person go. Well I have done allot of thinking and I think I need to find ways to forget her, if I really think about it she is not really worth all the depression. I love her but, I need to love myself more

 

You do NC so that you can cope emotionally. It also allows the other person an oppurtunity to understand what they are missing.

 

So yeah, you're right. It would be short lived, if you did it for her. Everything you do has to be for you. Otherwise, you'll just end up resenting her and being angry.

 

Letting go and accepting her decision is the first step in a long road of self discovery.

 

Excitement, life, and your happiness are still present in your life. You're an incredible person with thoughts, desires, dreams, aspirations. You are perfect in your own way. The first step is remembering how perfect and great you really are and relying on those strengths to grow from this situation.

 

Does your wife's actions define you? Does your role as her husband define you? Or do you define your life? Are you the master of your fate? Or are you subject to her decisions and your feelings?

 

The choice is yours. I could draw on my personal experience, but it's irrelevant. This is your situation. You decide.

[mendsley]

Thanks for explaining I can see what you are saying. I do appreciate what you are saying and it helps. I have been in such a slump and have forgot who I was before my wife was in the picture. I am really trying to tell myself I do not need her and there is a life for me with out her. It is very hard but I am realizing this and I know there will be more down days but I think I am on the right path.