mladakota Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 My fiance and I have been together 2 1/2 years, and got engaged last summer. He is in the Navy and stationed overseas for 4 years. I don't think I ever really saw us staying together while he's gone for so long, but he made such a good case for our relationship that I agreed to wait. Well, the longer it goes on (he's been gone for 1 year), the more cracks are appearing and I'm ready to end it. I've approached it tactfully, mentioning that we really didn't get to talk very often (he sent me flowers apologizing). I tried to point out how much happier we would each be if we didn't have to deal with the long distance thing (he sent me money to buy the new/used car I needed - which I am saving up to pay back to him). I hinted around that there was someone else (there wasn't, and he didn't believe me). I finally just came out and said that I didn't want to marry him. He broke down and cried, and said he had never wanted anything but for me to be happy, and he has tried everything he can think of to make me happy. I felt so awful that I took it back, but now I just feel like he was manipulating me. I feel like he's trying to force me to marry him and be happy, and I just don't feel the same way. But he won't take no for an answer!! I wish he would just realize that we're not meant to be and move on. What do I do?
wuggle Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 If it's just the distant job that's the problem, tell him to get another job or you're through. If you really don't feel you were meant to be you have to persist no matter how much he cries. He'll get over it. better sooner rather than in 10 years time.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Would you feel differently when he comes back?
Author mladakota Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 If it's just the distant job that's the problem, tell him to get another job or you're through. If you really don't feel you were meant to be you have to persist no matter how much he cries. He'll get over it. better sooner rather than in 10 years time. He's in the Navy - if he "quit" [deserted], he'd be a felon. I think you're right though, I will just have to keep trying. Would you feel differently when he comes back? I have no idea how I will feel in 4 years, but I'm guessing by that time I will have come to resent the whole situation a lot more than I do now, so I doubt things would be any better.
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 4 years is a heck of a long time to wait.... Would you not see him at all during this period? Does he never come home on leave?
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 How the **** do people expect relationships to work when they leave for so many years? Good God... Look, the guy deserves much respect for fighting for the country. But he can't expect you to wait 4 years, that's insane. How often is he able to come home? Tell him to go up and start hitting on the captain. Do they still kick out gays? Or wait, wasn't that what the Navy is known for? That was my last idea.
Author mladakota Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 How often is he able to come home? I saw him for two weeks in 2008, and it would probably be about the same in 09. Tell him to go up and start hitting on the captain. Do they still kick out gays? Or wait, wasn't that what the Navy is known for? That was my last idea. That actually made me laugh. Apparently Obama is getting rid of the don't ask/don't tell thing, though. Thanks for trying.
Goatsbreath Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 4 years is to long and even if he is coming home once a year or something it does not sound like its enough for her to feel good about. I think you just need to be strong here and tell him its over and maybe in the future when he is back......who knows what will happen but for now you need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. You should not have to be talked into staying in the relationship, you should want to stay and he should want someone who wants to stay. This is not something easy to see though when you love someone so much and they are rejecting that love. good luck
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I saw him for two weeks in 2008, and it would probably be about the same in 09. ....and 2010.....and 2011....and 2012....... and 2013...... 8 weeks. In 4 years. Walk. And take ruddy big strides. Sorry hun, but this is way too much to ask of anyone. The problem is, he's isolated on a great big ship full of hunky burly guys, all doing macho manly things together. This is the Navy for you. But it's not "life". You, on the other hand, are surrounded by it. You live it, eat it, breathe it and function in it 24/7. Well he chose this. He decided this was going to be his big move. He decided this was the way to make his way in the world. gay stuff aside, () he would be far better off getting together with someone in the Navy, who understands the requirements, and feels the same way, about this way of life, as he does. I'm afraid this is not going to work. Trust me. In the next 4 years, you are not going to live the life of a small, insignificant little recluse, waiting for her man to come back. At one point or another, a guy is going to come along, and he will hold your interest.... Do both you and him a favour. Break this off now, before it becomes a "Dear John, I slept with another guy yesterday and it was great!" deal.....
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 i don't believe absence makes the heart grow stronger....................to a certain extent, depending on the circumstances......................but four years?! LDR's are difficult enough. i saw my ex every weekend. but we weren't the best on the phone, we realised that. but even trying to make time at the weekends was difficult, especially with conflicting working hours. i missed him most weeks. other times i just got on with things. those times i felt weird for not missing him.................but i realised i didn't have to be with him all the time. and i also thought that how i felt with him was more important than how i felt without him. and how i felt with him was pretty darn good! he said the same. but we're finished now, so..................i don't know. how did you feel when you saw him for those two weeks? is it worth waiting to see him for two weeks in 2009?
wingwoman Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 If it's just the distant job that's the problem, tell him to get another job or you're through. If you really don't feel you were meant to be you have to persist no matter how much he cries. He'll get over it. better sooner rather than in 10 years time. If he's in the navy that's not just a job he can get up and quit... unless he wants to go to military prison and that wouldn't be any better for the relationship! He did however make the decision to go into the military and knew would be away for 4 years. I think you guys should have been realistic with eachother a year ago knowing that 4 years is a long time for someone to wait. I would tell him that you honestly don't think you can wait that long and see where your lives are at 3 years from now. You may still be single!
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