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Absolutely devastated after the abrupt end of a two-year relationship.


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Posted

I had basically lived with this girl for nearly two years. This wasn't my choice, it was hers -- she asked for a set of keys, she came over whenever she wanted, and she stayed over basically every night. I was very social before we got together, but as a result of her very strong draw on me, I basically closed off, and spent much less time with my friends and family. This was all fine, because I came to see this girl as the love of my life.

 

She got my humor, she was into everything I was into (playing LittleBigPlanet with me regularly, which was a blast). She was beautiful, creative, intelligent, ambitious - it kills me to say it, but she was everything I wanted in a person.

 

This past Friday, while I was celebrating my last day at work (I start a new job on Tuesday), she packed up all her stuff (there was tons), and left. She even left the gifts I gave her, and a teddy bear that meant a great, great deal to both of us. I called her and we spoke briefly, and I made it clear that she can have her stuff. She said she wasn't sure if she should take it. She tentatively picked a date to pick her stuff up. During our conversation, she revealed that she wanted to be "carefree," and felt like she didn't have a life apart from me. I told her that was fine, and she said she still thought we could make something work, but we needed time. She also said that she didn't think she could ask for 'time' so she chose the only alternative: to break my heart completely.

 

I've cleared my apartment of reminders of her, but this apartment was co-occupied by both of us for the past 2+ years. It drips with memories together, and it's crushing. I still love her with all of my heart, and I feel sickeningly depressed. I can't look at food, can't look at women, can't do anything. I woke up in a cold sweat the night after she broke up with me, and was only able to sleep last night after popping some sleeping pills.

 

Though I'm older (28), this was the only real relationship I ever had. I don't know how to cope, don't know how to live without her. I find myself really wishing to die, though I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I don't know what to do, and I feel like something is eating me from the inside. I'll never find anyone like her, and I really don't think my life, as much as I have going for me, is worth living without her. I don't know, I just want to cry, but I can't even get the tears out. :(

Posted

"don't know how to live without her"

 

then that is exactly what you need to do.Mostly this is a rewarding, exciting process. you start to find things you never knew you loved before, you feel stronger and like your standing on your own to feet again.

 

... if you let yourself, after time you will start re creating yourself. you dont have to find yourself, like searching..its kinda more like a creation. your already there, you have the tools, its what your going to make of it.

 

dude you are more than a relationship...and she shouldnt define your whole happiness. not many relationships can withstand this pressure.

 

keep posting and hang in there. the devestation left me after about 6 months. 6 months sounds like a long time, but its a process and it has to happen.

 

this might sound bizare but you broke up for reasons much bigger than what you first thought it to be, and on a bigger scale than your ex deciding to break up. it had to happen , how do i know? because it did happen. there are big reasons behind it. you know youve lost your grip, you know your nothing without her, youve lost touch with friends and family, - is that a way to live happily for the rest of your life? your going to find someone one day after youve done all your grieving and questions, and analysing who you will have something even better and you will know why it didnt work with your ex

 

you have a lot waiting for you, its going to be okay.

 

Keep posting okay.

Jmina

Posted
I had basically lived with this girl for nearly two years. This wasn't my choice, it was hers -- she asked for a set of keys, she came over whenever she wanted, and she stayed over basically every night. I was very social before we got together, but as a result of her very strong draw on me, I basically closed off, and spent much less time with my friends and family. This was all fine, because I came to see this girl as the love of my life.

 

Oh Lordy.... that phrase again......

 

Your life's not over yet. And it's a very premature thing to assume, when it's your first real relationship.....

 

She got my humor, she was into everything I was into (playing LittleBigPlanet with me regularly, which was a blast). She was beautiful, creative, intelligent, ambitious - it kills me to say it, but she was everything I wanted in a person.

 

Yes, but unfortunately, you plainly weren't everything she wanted, in a person.

Confucius he say: "Seek not every quality in one individual." (oddly enough, he really did say this. The old buzzard had a point.)

 

 

This past Friday, while I was celebrating my last day at work (I start a new job on Tuesday), she packed up all her stuff (there was tons), and left. She even left the gifts I gave her, and a teddy bear that meant a great, great deal to both of us. I called her and we spoke briefly, and I made it clear that she can have her stuff. She said she wasn't sure if she should take it.
Very considerate.

 

She tentatively picked a date to pick her stuff up. During our conversation, she revealed that she wanted to be "carefree," and felt like she didn't have a life apart from me. I told her that was fine, and she said she still thought we could make something work, but we needed time. She also said that she didn't think she could ask for 'time' so she chose the only alternative: to break my heart completely.

hard as this may be to believe, that is absolutely the thing she should have done. Rather than keep you dangling, and make you put your life on hold, I mean.

This is the best advice we give people, and those who have been dumped, but left hanging on by their exes always suffer most, because they remain in a state of limbo.

So I'm sorry, but good for her for not yanking your chain.

 

I've cleared my apartment of reminders of her, but this apartment was co-occupied by both of us for the past 2+ years. It drips with memories together, and it's crushing.

 

Move. And quickly.

You need a new place or you'll go insane.

 

I still love her with all of my heart, and I feel sickeningly depressed. I can't look at food, can't look at women, can't do anything. I woke up in a cold sweat the night after she broke up with me, and was only able to sleep last night after popping some sleeping pills.

 

It does get better.

You might slip up now and then, and come back to point one, but it does get better.

 

Though I'm older (28), this was the only real relationship I ever had. I don't know how to cope, don't know how to live without her.

 

Actually, you do. Cast your mind back to before you knew her....?

THis honey, is melodrama. Understandable, but melodrama all the same. if you really don't know how to live without her, then this wasn't love, this was excessive dependency.

 

I find myself really wishing to die, though I'm not suicidal or anything like that.[/QUOTE]

More melodrama. if this were so, your post would be a lot more worrying. As it is, you're showing very plainly that perhaps, it was your dependency and weight of emotions upon her, that became too much for her to carry....

 

I don't know what to do, and I feel like something is eating me from the inside. I'll never find anyone like her,

 

No of course you won't. And she'll never find anyone like you.

The point of moving on is to never look for carbon copies, because it leads to complete misery. Yours, because it's futile and you end up comparing everyone to her, and come up wanting, and the 'new person in your life' because they'll blissfully throw themselves into the relationship, completely unaware they are already second-best.

So I really do hope you find someone completely unlike her.

 

and I really don't think my life, as much as I have going for me, is worth living without her.
Well you've already said you're not going to commit suicide, so now you really are being a bit melodramatic, aren't you?

Three days have passed. you're still here. So Life is worth living it seems. Which is good......

 

I don't know, I just want to cry, but I can't even get the tears out. :(

 

You will. At one point, it will hit you like a 20-ton truck. So hard you won't see it coming until it stifles you and stops you breathing. But this too shall pass. It all does.

 

On no account, for whatever reason, contact her.

Ever.

And if she gets in touch with you - block every available avenue to you.

because otherwise, it will never end.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I'll just give you an update after a recent phonecall I had with her that may change your thoughts.

 

Before we got together, she was with a guy named Jacob. Jacob left for the peace corps, leaving her behind. She refused to break up with him until many months into OUR relationship. I felt she always had something for him, and a year after we were dating, I found a note she had left lying around - a journal entry, apparently - talking about how miserable she was, how she missed him, etc. I confronted her about this and tried to break up with her, but she begged me through tears, with gifts, for days not to leave her. And I didn't.

 

I just found out that he is back from his time in the Peace Corps, and yesterday she met him, saw him, and went home with him. She told me this after I prodded. Mind you, she left me on Friday, and got with him on Saturday. It's Sunday here in New York.

 

Needless to say, I'm even more crushed than I was. For two years, she lied to me through her teeth, telling me she loved me, had moved on, was ready to spend her life with me, etc. etc. For two years I wasted my time with her, and no matter what anyone says, it was a waste. I don't want the memories I have, and wish I could head to the Lacuna Clinic in Eternal Sunshine and wipe her from my mind. I got played, and I am a damn chump.

 

Women, you wonder sometimes why guys can be so cold -- well, here you have it: a great example of the very creation of a cold, remote person. I poured my love into this girl, sacrificed my friends, my life, gave everything to her. And she repays me by deceitfully telling me she loves me for 2 years, only to leave one day, and reconnect with and sleep with her ex-boyfriend (and assumedly, the REAL "love of her life") the very next day.

  • Author
Posted

I guess this is so extreme it's not really worth commenting on.

 

That's life, I suppose.

Posted

Its not extreme at all. Sounds like you were a rebound relationship and she fooled you.

I don't understand why you stayed with someone who refused to break up with their ex ,even though she was with you.

Hopefully you are right about not finding another woman like her, seeing as she was deceitful.

Posted

Three things:

 

ONE: It will make your recovery period much shorter because now you definitely know you are better off without her.

 

TWO: Not all women are like this.

 

it takes an eclectic mix of folk to make up this crazy ball of soil.

You stumbled upon a bad un'.

 

THREE:

The replies I gave you earlier were obviously entirely geared towards the original information I received.

I got it horrendously wrong.

But only because you did.

 

Good that we now know better, huh?

Posted

 

Women, you wonder sometimes why guys can be so cold -- well, here you have it: a great example of the very creation of a cold, remote person. I poured my love into this girl, sacrificed my friends, my life, gave everything to her. And she repays me by deceitfully telling me she loves me for 2 years, only to leave one day, and reconnect with and sleep with her ex-boyfriend (and assumedly, the REAL "love of her life") the very next day.

 

I see you are already blaming all the women for what your ex did. Don't go there.

 

After experiencing such an emotional trauma, there are 3 paths to take:

 

1. You become a cold, cynical, misogynistic person who wants to have revenge on whole female gender

2. You realize that monogamy, marriage and "true love" is just a BS and societal conditioning, you totally go alpha and figure that you should experience love and intimacy with as many women as you can

3. Try getting a new LTR partner, pray to God and hope for the best that she won't leave you for whatever reason

 

This is indented to be semi-humorous, but it pretty accurately describes what happens to people after a traumatic break up :laugh:

 

You'll be fine after a while, the pain just goes away. Hang in there man.

Posted

I'm so sorry that happened to you. At the same time, PLEASE know that not all girls are like this!!! For example, I'm three out of the four things you mentioned wanting in a person (not beautiful, but definitely creative, intelligent, and ambitious.) I know that without physical beauty guys have a tough time being interested, and that may very well be why mine left. But I could not possibly have loved him more, and I used to ask him all the time if we could do things together. I'm a dancer and he's a musician, and I used to suggest all the time that we practice together, but he never granted me that. Ultimately he broke up with me because I had the wrong career (I'm a dancer/writer and he wanted to be with another musician.) He did this two weeks after I sold my first book, on the weekend we were ostensibly celebrating. He walked out the door and I never saw him again. It's been a year and a half and as far as I know he has no interest in even knowing me. I cannot figure out what I did, and until I figure out exactly what it was that was wrong with me, I am way too scared to try again with anyone else.

 

This has left me feeling that no guy could ever possibly want me, and that the kind of artist I am is not good enough. I no longer trust men. I mean, I didn't even get left for an actual person, I got left for an IDEA of a person. I got left for the conceptualization of a person who was a "better" kind of artist. When I bellydance, I feel that all the other dancers are sexy and talented, but that I must not be or else I wouldn't have gotten dumped.

 

The point here is that being left sucks. Your girl took off and she shouldn't have. But honestly, it may not have really had anything to do with your shortcomings, and rather with her romantic notion of this person being the love of her life. I think I could end up with someone else a decade from now and if Joe (my ex) came back, I'd be sorely tempted to get back together with him. I cannot imagine anyone else (well, short of Jon Stewart) who could make me fully forget him. That would have absolutely nothing to do with whomever my future partner might be, it would have to do with my unresolved issues with Joe. In other words, this is not because you're not good enough, it's because she had this previous entanglement she wasn't really over, even if she tried to convince herself she was.

 

When my ex left, he specifically said that he felt he needed to be with an old-time fiddle player (he's an old-time bass player.) The thing is, he's had two fiddle player gfs, and one he dumped because she wasn't a good enough fiddle player. The other dumped him because he wouldn't play with her when there were other fiddle players around he perceived as better musicians. As much as I feel I wasn't good enough for him, there's a tiny, tiny inkling inside me that this could have been at least partially his problem.

 

I really do hope you can see that this isn't really about you. And I'm so sorry you got treated that way.

Posted

Unfortunately you made a very big mistake in investing in her.

 

She was with another and that relationship ended only because of distance really nothing else. So he always did have a piece of her heart that you couldn't touch.

 

The writing was on the wall especially since she was with you for 6 months before breaking it off with him. No wonder she could break up with you and get with him the next day! As far as her patterns of behavior - that is actually better behavior for her!

 

Look how much you have to share with someone, that you are capable of fidelity and love, and that makes you ahead of the game as far as relationships go because you can be sure of yourself.

 

You have to give yourself a fair shot at a relationship though. Dating someone who has a boyfriend (LD or not) is not really starting off by creating a solid foundation. It really is asking for trouble.

 

All women are not like her just like all men are not like you.

 

To write off having a relationship based on this is only hurting yourself. There is a woman out there who will appreciate you but when you are looking pay attention to the big red flags.

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