To stand my ground or not?

[2SidestoStories]

Beth, have you fully grieved the loss of this relationship yet?

 

I would have to say no, not fully. I've been growing to realize and accept that I am definitely experiencing loss as well; for much of this time it has been entirely about he and his loss. It has been more about feeling like I've had to justify myself to everyone than coping with the fact that my choice to leave means the end of a relationship. It's not even about how miserable I was in the relationship in terms of the grief; it is indeed a loss for me, too. I haven't felt that it's "fair" for me to claim it's a loss, because after all, I am the one who made the decision to pursue the divorce, and I "could stop this at any time." (really need a sarcasm font here...)

 

The shock of the trauma has begun to wear off; survival mode fight vs. flight adrenaline rush fades every moment, and I'm left with the reality that I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I have plans, sort of, but everything in my life is upside down or backwards, and I have no clue what to do from here. I trust that I will continue to blindly step in the direction I've chosen and will eventually land on a track, and will be able to know what to do as though divinely guided. Which may be naive, or it very well could be the truth of it.

 

There are times when I catch myself staring at my children and wondering what the he** I've done to them; the resurgance of guilt and feeling like maybe I should have just borne the brunt of this all "For Them..." Then I think of the times when he told me that I was good for little other than being with the children, and that I wasn't even very good for that...

 

Grief. That is indeed under the surface, and should have been so much more obvious to me. Thank you again. Perhaps this is what I need to go through next is really letting myself grieve, instead of worrying so very much about "how it looks" to anyone else. Why should I? They don't understand it anyway. Weary of explaining!

[moimeme]

haven't felt that it's "fair" for me to claim it's a loss

 

Of course it's a loss. In fact, it's a collection of significant losses;

 

loss of a best friend

 

loss of a 'soft place to fall'

 

loss of a partner to help deal with situations from the stuck toilet to the kids' illnesses

 

loss of the ability to trust as easily; next time you have to watch out for the signs you missed this time 'round

 

loss of another warm body in the bed

 

loss of all the hopes you had for your future together and the security you felt in them; this was going to be a life partnership and you had plans together - now all the plans have to be changed

 

loss of friends sometimes; as a single woman, you can be a 'fifth wheel' among marrieds

 

loss of good relationships with his relatives, if any

 

loss of your faith in your own good judgment; if you actually married someone like this, what does that mean about your discernment?

 

plus empathy for your childrens' loss of an always-present father

 

I could go on. At the end of a relationship, people, especially people with kids, have to get busy working on what's next. In so doing, they don't give themselves enough time to process all the losses.

[cindy0039]

Next, you need to make a list of all the pluses. I think that will help you to move forward.

[EnigmaXOXO]

On grief...

 

I once heard that a divorce is much like a death...only worse, because the dearly departed is still around to remind you of your pain and loss. Because of this, it's difficult to complete the grief process and fully let go. Particularly when there are children involved.

 

I think in my experience it is much like that. But it does get better with time. And yes, we do stumble around blindly in the beginning wondering where to place that next footstep.

 

I have already been around that corner that you can not see yet, Beth. And it will get better...I promise.

[d.stevens]

Hey 2sides

 

Your doing a fine job at keeping your chin up. Continue to be strong. Proud of ya

 

d man ;P