Jmac25 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 I just don't understand why I am feeling this way? It's been three weeks since I heard the words "I don't know how I feel about you" and the first time in nine years I have been truly alone. I have read all the stories about others trying to cope with this loss but for some reason it just has not sunk in fully am I insane? I guess I should give some back story here and I know I'll catch some flak for it but here it goes. We started dating in high school I was sixteen and she was seventeen, I lost my virginity to her but she was already playing the field before I met her. Our relationship began within a matter of days of meeting each other. We had our tiffs and arguments but for the first few years everything was alright, nothing catastrophic ever occurred that is until the fourth year rolled around. I found out that she was seeing someone else, a co-worker, for roughly a month. When confronted she became very defensive and blamed me for everything. We reconciled and I gave her a chance to redeem herself, it was fine, for a while... Until the next guy, and the next and so on and so fourth. It's been all downhill from then on out. She has met someone new, someone who she slept with while I was out of town. I am so angry and feel so full of hate that it's almost unbearable. I feel like all I have done is give everything I have inside of me, to love her, through all the pain and heartache, only to become bitter. She has only tried to contact me twice but I have yet to return her calls. I know it seems unfathomable, but I wanted to pick up my phone. Does this happen often? I know that I have done nothing wrong, yet why do I feel the compulsion to "chase" her after everything that has happened? Aside from that I am consumed by feelings of jealousy and betrayal, old wounds have opened back up and it feels like the cycle has begun again, but I know that I cannot let that happen. So I am here looking for something though I haven't yet figured out what, I just felt it was better to write then to take out my rage and put forth anymore effort unto someone who I think has never really cared about me in the first place.
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Know that you are doing all the right things by not contacting her, nor permitting her through, to contact you. This has to be total shut-down. You are completely spot-on with this. I know it's difficult to believe, but it does get easier, and gradually, day by day, you get to feel better. Unless you break NC. Then trust me, you'll feel as if you've gone back to beyond quare one.....
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Here's how it is. You dated someone with a mental disorder. (I know psychology, I am being very serious. Not just making a joke statement. She has a mental disorder). You will never win. Whether this girl ever cared is truly debatable. Sounds by her actions that she is a classic narcissist. You have no choice but to move on. Hopefully through that realization, you are able to move on.
mladakota Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 If you're having trouble dealing with being alone after 9 years, handling this breakup will be more about you than her. That means that you have to start learning to stand on your own two feet without relying on her (or any other woman) to make you happy, or to make you feel secure. Try to make this more about helping yourself move on and learn from this, because that's what you can control. You know you can't control what she does, or how much she cares about you, or any of that. But you can control your own happiness. Try something new where you can make friends - pick up a sport at the Y or something. When you realize there are other people out there, and you can be happy on your own either way, you'll finally be over her.
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