gummybear Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Please bear with me as this is long but I do need your help Basic background -- I met guy online back in June and we went out a few times but then I had to move 300 miles away for my family/job. After I moved we continued talking for a bit and even got together officially as a couple for 2 days but then I backed out because of the long distance and also because I was under a lot of stress at the time finding a job and was also worried about what my parents would think my dating someone outside of our race. (Additional info -- he's had 3 gfs prior (latest one being 1.5 years ago) and he broke up with all 3 of them and he still talks to the last 2 every once in awhile but they never hang out. They just talk casually. That I am fine with) We had no contact for 3 months as he was very hurt by my actions but then Dec 1st he contacted me telling me that he is ok with being friends again. We chatted alot over IM and things felt so good, I was very happy talking to him again, and then I visited him about 2 weeks ago for the first time since we broke up. I went thinking there was a possibility of us getting back together, but at the time I asked him about his dating life over the past few months. He said he was interested in one girl and the girl was interested in him for awhile as well but then she started to brush him off and he said he was a bit miffed but he didnt think too much of it and they stopped talking. He also met 2 other girls online but he wasnt that interested in dating them and they just became friends (with one girl she initiated being friends while with the other girl he initiated the friendship). He told me they basically IM at times and hang out once or twice a month. After he told me all this, out of jealous curiosity, I asked him of all girls he's ever dated, and I emphazied ALL girls, who did he like the most? Without any hesitated, he touched me and specified that it was me. Back in June when we dated, and I told him Im moving and didnt want a LDR, he had tried to convince me otherwise, telling me that when hes with me he feels butterflies in his stomach that he hasnt felt with other girls. So I suppose I do believe him when he told me he likes me the most. But still, I started experiencing pangs of jealousy knowing he had 3 girls after me, even if he still liked me alot more than them. Later that day, he asked me why I visited and how I felt about us. I didnt know what to say, so I just said that I'm cool with us being friends. He didnt seem to believe me. Then he says that seeing me brought back alot of emotions and its hard that I'm gonna have to leave again after the visit and theres nothing he can do about it. After I left my visit with him, we continued to talk even more over IM and he started calling me almost every night to chat over the phone. We even planned a trip next weekend for me to visit him again to go to Napa and he booked a $200 hotel for us to stay in. But just this Wed when I asked him what plans he had for the week, he said he was just gonna have lunch on Saturday. I asked with who and he said with one of the girls he met online a few months ago and stayed friends with. After he told me that, I felt extreme pangs of jealousy. So much that I couldn’t get myself to talk to him like before. From then until today I wasn’t as chirpy with him anymore because I’d think about him hanging out with that girl and I’d feel jealous and mad at him. I was also annoyed at myself cuz I’d ask him details on the lunch with the girl such as if they were doing anything after as well and he had said prob not. Well today he and the girl did meet up for lunch and they also watched a movie afterward as well. When I found out, I just feel upset/jealous. Unforunately we still have the napa trip next weekend and right now I just feel like I want to get it over with and not talk to him anymore. I know that I was the one who broke up with him, and so I am to blame for it, but all things aside, would it be ok for a boyfriend while in a LDR with a girl to hang out one on one with other girls he’s dated before? I feel like this is one of the main reasons that is preventing me from telling him that yes I do miss him and want to be with him. But right now I feel like I cant because everytime I imagine him having fun with that girl I feel very very jealousy. Yesterday I think he felt me being jealous because he told me that I need to stop comparing myself to the other girls because he said that he has a lot more fun when he hang out with me and that he doesn’t talk to them nearly as much as he talks to me and also he doesn’t do weekend getaways with him. He also wants us to spend the Valentines Day Weekend together as well (I told him we can talk about it after the Napa trip). He told me that there is no comparison with me vs the other girls and that he is nothing but casual friends with him. But at the same time, eventhough I believe him that I am more special to him than the other girls, I just wish he wouldn’t’ hang out still with the other girls one on one. I’ve told him before that I don’t even talk to any guys I’ve gone out with in the past let alone hang out with them, which is true. So basically, I don’t know what to do. I try not to let my jealousy get in the way because I tell myself I am being silly but at the same time I feel weak for showing my jealousy to him because of the questions I ask and its also preventing me from accepting him. Further I worry that if we do get back together again that he'd still hang out with these girls while I'd be worried/jealous being 300 miles away while these girls are only a few miles away. I dont know if the worry/jealousy is worth it. What should I do?! I’m confused
O'Malley Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 He likes female attention, but that's a moot point here. You two are not in a relationship now, so you both have the right to date other people. Based on your breakup with him and the distance between you, your friend is keeping his options open. Which is what you should be doing, instead of putting so much focus on this particular guy.
Author gummybear Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 He likes female attention, but that's a moot point here. You two are not in a relationship now, so you both have the right to date other people. Based on your breakup with him and the distance between you, your friend is keeping his options open. Which is what you should be doing, instead of putting so much focus on this particular guy. Thing is, we are this close to being back in a relationship. But I ask myself if we get back together, will he still hang out with these girls? I imagine us back together and in an LDR and when I'm gone he's hanging out with these girls and I'd be driven mad from jealousy. At the same time I won't be able to get myself to ask him to stop seeing this girls given he told me that he is nothing but friends with them. I think him and I, given the things he's said to me, are at the point that we should be back together (and I think if it's going to happen it's gonna happen at next weekend's napa trip so I have until then to decide) but my thought of me being so jealous if we were in a LDR is preventing me from wanting to be with him. Thus I feel conflicted. I tried dating others but there is none that interest me.
Author gummybear Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 pls help! I need to decide on us by this weekend....
fishtaco Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Well, do you want to date him or what? You basically told him you just want to be friends. He would be stupid to block all other options just in case you change your mind. He's doing exactly the right thing by multi-dating other women. If you don't want him to date other women, be exclusive with him. Otherwise you don't have the right to stop him from dating. However if you become exclusive, he could still hang out with other women platonically, even his ex's. Some women are okay with this, some are not. Which type are you? It's not wrong to be jealous, but jealous people should stick together. Put a jealous person together with non-jealous person, it'll become an issue sooner or later. But sometimes one likes to punch and another likes to get punched, and that would be a match. If you think exclusivity is a possibility, talk to him about the issues you have. Maybe he's willing to give up his friendships for you. Although personally I think that's a bad way to start a relationship; relationships should add to your life, not take away from it. But you never know. Whatever floats his boat. If you decide you don't want an exclusive relationship with him, then just be friends. If you're jealous even when you're just friends, then you're stepping into the realms of psycho women. Please don't go there.
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